Somewhere in an alternate reality
Somewhere in an alternate universe…
There’s this chap, tangerine with such plans
Made America great now he stands
There atop his great wall
Bares his ass to you all
Then he grabs your wife’s V, with small hands!
This one’s about something that only happens to other people.
I went to Thailand once. This happened to someone else though. Not me.
Single chap I know lives with no cares
Drunk encounters each night, unawares
meets this lass in Bangkok
Got a terrible shock
Didn’t see adams apple, he swears
I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.
I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…
A fine actor from Hollywood hailed
and young men he apparently nailed
one with mouth he did please
as he dropped to his knees
many more he’d seduce but he failed
Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta
Had a mind that was oft in the gutter
Home he’d go self to please
Rub his bollocks with cheese
And his nipples he’d smother in butter.
There once was an old man from Chile
Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy
That would be rather sick
To write odes of old dick
I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…
An innocent chap from Taiwan
who kept puppies and sweets in a van
Gave away outside schools
Church bazaar’s, public pools
worse charity ever, stupid man!
Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty
Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty
“God that stings” through the walls
Heard him shout, slips and falls
Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty
Sorry. Kinda.
Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.
Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …
Trump the crazy on tour out in China
Salivates, like he would at a diner
Watch out for him trust me,
He will grab yours you’ll see
then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!
A loony chap, Donald the POTUS
Went to Asia, the land of the lotus
Picked a fight with young Kim
With maniacal grin
Big appeal to the racist white voters
Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need
Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?
Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers
All he offers. Who cares?
Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!
There is one about a panda which could have been special but mostly it is just a bit dirty. The rest are just crass.
There once was a chap from Milan
Had a thing for his best mate Paul’s gran
Craved her wrinkly bits
And her pendulous tits
of her saggy old thighs, a big fan
An irregular builder from Goole
Bought a potion to soften his stool
He strained with a large load
And his bowels did explode
Don’t gamble with farts, that’s the rule
A woman from Selby quite cute
Survived mostly on vege’s and fruit
But most every fart
Would result in a shart
Just imagine the stress of each toot
A lonely young chap from Uganda
At the zoo fell in love with a panda
Craved its fluffy white thighs
And it’s come to be eyes
Got him rather aroused, double hander!
I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.
Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure. I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them. So for the first time I’ll publish a few.
There lived a young chap in Caracas
Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers
thought he’d best see the doc
who grabbed hold of his cock
and gave them a shake like maracas
A saucy fun temptress from China
spent her cash on a custom vagina
was so very good looking
but just no use for fucking
though she might just let you 69 her
A mechanic from North Carolina
had the hots for a big burly miner
left his family in shock
when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock
I just like it way more than vagina”
A vicar quite down on his luck
found a great way to make a quick buck
to the members he went
said “I need to pay rent,
for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”
A builder from Cork name of Shamus
had a monstrous and cavernous anus
in his bottom he placed
knives, forks, bowls cups and plates
now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous
Sorry. Kinda.
Move along, nothing to see and certainly not for kids.
For every limerick I write there is usually another I discard because it is inappropriate, childish, vulgar, twisted or just not the sort of things I would want my kids to stumble upon.
Today I will publish a few because I am in the sort of mood, and it’s the weekend and what are weekends for if not inappropriate limericks. I had something of a request for more erotic asphyxiation stuff earlier this week. I know I know, but there’s no accounting for the tastes of people.
A conservative preacher, John Stead
Man of god but quite kinky in bed
by the cleaner discovered
bound, naked and buggered
Purple faced, plastic bag on his head
A plumber from Goole well endowed
love to take off his clothes in a crowd
and the ladies he’d please
as it hung to his knees
hand on hips, legs akimbo, so proud
A vicar from Grimsby most hated
spent a celibate life most frustrated
unless you count the young boys
who he used as his toys
’till they caught him and now hes castrated
Something more pleasant?
Ooh look at me being all topical!
Fences – FFfAW Challenge – 11th of July
photo courtesy of hypnoart at pixabay
I am going to have to admit that I love writing these. Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.
I am going to have to admit that I love writing these. Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.
A woman that I work with a Saint
broke her spine when she slipped on some paint
She’s bed ridden and blue
Her hub said he’d be true
now he’s doing her mum, so he aint.
My friend had a wife quite divine
got addicted to cake, crack and wine
really let herself go
and her bottom did grow
only 30 but looks fifty nine
An arab chap born in Kuwait
stole the hub of a really good mate
it was all quite a mess
he looked good in a dress
now they’re married, he calls himself Kate
My sister got hammered one night
with her boyfriend got into a fight
so she stayed out real late
and then slept with his mate
now she’s single again, such delight
4. I like doing 4.
Want something different?
We unlikely few – An Armitage tangent
Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt
A quick dose of inappropriateness
I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time. So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone.
A baker I know quite sublime
Made cakes pies and puddings most fine
Met a lass who he woo’d
with his sensual food
Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”
A fellow with wife rather bland
For insurance he schemed and he planned
But his plot came to nought
By the cops he was cought
Now in prison he gets nightly manned
Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer
What a weekend he had but i fear
That his wife will discover
His large breasted lover
When the tests come back with gonorrhoea
A hubby his wife sadly binned
But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned
Such a flatulent hag
She’d eat chilli, he’d gag
As it gave her quite horrible wind
They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!
These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…
I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.
A lonely chap I know named Dom
bought an internet bride, it went wrong
because when she appeared
big hands, penis and beard
he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com
Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.
A woman’s rich husband was boring
Old, obese, dull with bad snoring
said “just do what you will
and Ill pick up the bill”
so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.
I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here. I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him. Maybe it was that. It dd not last if you’re wondering.
Carl does not like condoms he says
and convinces the ladies he sways
“Im catholic you see
withdrawal method for me!”
6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way
Carl is foolish. Do not be like Carl. I’ll give you one more shall I. 4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.
Young lovers eloped and got hitched
after time his desires they switched
Now it’s gone really bad
and he fancies her dad
‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/
Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…
Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world. Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
A fellow alas premature
in his loving, his wife quite demure
Said “I need you to last
and not be so damn fast
cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure
A woman got picked up and drugged
and a fellow got beaten and mugged
but I said to the wife
at least we’ve a good life
she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.
Chap in charge of the choir last spring
said he just loves to make the boys sing
“Do it harder and faster!”
said the old choir master
you really do have a nice ring
A fellow joined up and no doubt
true patriot so he shipped out
Lost his legs to a mine
had some made now he’s fine
and he always gets parked when hes out
A cheating wife knocked up oh dear
Told her hub she was faithful all year
But the couple are white
and the kid black as night
so he left her for chicks, meat and beer
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…
my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…
I fellow I know, a romancer
lovely wife, healthy kids and great dancer
had it all so he thought
but it all came to nought
when he died really young of brain cancer
These Twins at birth were separated
who later in life met and dated
they had kids, sad to say
hip conjoined by the way
now in freak show they’re quite celebrated
“You’re adopted” says father to son
“and I’ve just had a chat to your mum
It’s just not working out
we don’t want you about
this parenting lark’s just no fun.”
Want to read more of my stuff?
Trust me these are all on the BBC website! Kind of. Okay, maybe not in limerick form…
Trust me these are all on the BBC website! Kind of. Maybe not in limerick form…
Zac Makwala, a Botswanan runner
Ran 400 in world champs this summer
But he got bottom squirts
And excluded “It hurts!
Its unfair, wrong and oh such a bummer”
A bastard it seems, name of Gus
Got quite fat and his wife made a fuss
So he went for a run
got upset and for fun
pushed a lass passing by ‘neath a bus
Kim-Jung and Donald you ought ta
Stop waffling on about slaughter
Cos the Donald will win
‘Leash his nukes with a grin
Then fondle Kim’s wife, gran and daughter
Want to read more of my stuff?
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
Today I’d like to explore the frailty of our existence. through the medium of limerick.
I’ve rather enjoyed the attempts at sombre limericks of late and being a little pushed for time to write this week they still give me chance to write as they don’t take long.
Today I’d like to explore the frailty of our existence. through the medium of limerick.
So here you go, another 4…though these will be the last for some time as they’re getting rather dark and a bit weird if I’m being honest.
A lass I once worked with called Jane
Had a tumour removed from her brain
She went to celebrate
Thinking yeah this is great
But got hit on way home by a train
My friend knew a girl, quite the dancer
Really hot so he thought he’d romance her
Woo’d her hard, they got wed
Had two kids then dropped dead
Nobody knew she’d brain cancer
Mum loved chicken and steak, cheese and bread
Quite often ate cake in her bed
Scoffing chocolate and sweeties
Got real fat, diabetes
Lost 3 toes then one summer fell dead
Old dame lived alone in a flat
Had no family or friends fancy that
Fell, banged her head on the ground
3 weeks ’till she was found
Decomposed, face chewed off by her cat
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. How did I do?
On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself.
Last Monday I explored the idea of the inappropriate Haiku which you can read here.
Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. So, can the limerick be sad? Perhaps you’d like to leave your own in the comments?
A young lad I knew as a senior
he got cancer, I think ’twas leukaemia
the treatment it failed
he got thinner and paled
and then died and his wife got bulimia
My dad was a drunk and a cheat
every weekend my mother he beat
took her cash to do drugs
bringing home sluts and thugs
’till we all ended up on the street
First time we met how I tried
not to love, but I made her my bride
then the marriage it failed
when her sister I nailed
Took her life, overdose, suicide
My dog, my best friend always true
dedicated to me through and through
Drunk, I left the door wide
and she ran straight outside
got ran over and died now I’m blue
A chap that I know who loves choir
had to quit giving up his desire
he could not harmonise
when he lost both his eyes
and his tongue when he fell in a fire
I think I’ll stop there, I’m not sure that I’m trying hard enough to make them sad. Or maybe I should blame the limerick, either way I hope it’s not too inappropriate and I think it goes to show that even the most serious of subjects find some lightness in a limerick.
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
Afterwards 