Your lunchtime limerick 17/9/17

Another day another limerick.

A jolly fat bellied chap , Nick

Christmas Eve of the children got sick

so he went to the pub

had some drinks and some grub

cancelled Christmas next day, what a dick

 

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 

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Your lunchtime limerick 16/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

A limerick, at lunchtime.  The clue’s in the title really…

 

A hillbilly chap, quite obese

one day coverered his sister in grease

from her toes to her head

then he took her to bed

she gave birth to his daughter and niece

 

maybe another incest based limerick because they fun

 

I once went to school with a lad

who had a quite young looking dad

turned out his mums lover

was his hot older brother

that’s just wrong, quite disturbing and mad

 

Anyway, have a good Saturday, not going to be writing much else today got a lot to do…

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 15/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

A limerick, at lunchtime.  The clue’s in the title really…

A sturdy young chap, Roger black

Hard liquor each night he knocked back

Young vibrant and bold

But then he got old

Now he’s fat and addicted to crack

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 14/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

A limerick, at lunchtime.  The clue’s in the title really…

A cuddly bus driver from cleaves

was beset by a posse of thieves

stole his clothes, bus and phone

left him stranded alone

and his modesty covered by leaves

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 13/9/17

Another day another limerick.

A skinny young postman called pat

Who could eat but could never get fat

Pies and cakes, buns and sweets,

vegetables, breads and meats

Had a tapeworm you see, fancy that

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 12/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Proof that the limerick form can make sad things less so. 

 

A chubby young fellow called Giles

Got a rather bad case of the piles

Doc said “Don’t be so glum –

pop this cream in your bum,

’till they’re gone just sit carefully and smile

 

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Screw You Haiku 11/9/17

A little light haiku relief…

Proof that haiku do not always have to be serious…

 

The life of the clown

by day bringing joy, by night

he’s under your bed

 

night time toilet trip

lights out, think I saw a clown

run back to bed scared

 

Long hair and tight jeans

he watches her walk and lusts

bugger, it’s a bloke!

 

hot tea before bed

up three times throughout the night

Damn old man’s bladder!

 

One drink after work

woke up in the back garden

bloody sambuca!

 


More stuff?  Ive tons and tons of stuff!

Jeffrey and Cho – FFFAW Challenge

Lion and Zebra – Daily Prompt – Hidden

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt

 

 

Your lunchtime limerick 11/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Been a bit busy of late so best I can muster is …another lunch time limerick.  Proof that the limerick form can make sad things less so. 

 

Lovely fellow was left at the alter

loved her still So he just would not fault her

She ran off with her lover

then got aids from another

and then died late last year in Gibralter

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 10/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Another day another lunch time limerick. 

 

She’s quite gender fluid my gran

so this week she’s being a man

she looks ever so weird

with her moustache and beard

insisting we call her nan Stan

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 9/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Another day another lunch time limerick. 

 

A cheeky young lass from Djabouti

buxom, curvaceous, such beauty

she was caught in the park

with a ginger lad, mark

who brought sausage and whipped cream, so fruity!

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 

 

Image courtesy of  pixabay

Your lunchtime limerick 8/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Another day another limerick.  True story and so sad but see how the limerick form makes it just a little less sombre…

 

 

A chap’s lovely young bride named Jane

had a tumor alas in her brain

she died, you can tell

he’d insured her quite well

bought a quite lovely villa in Spain

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Your lunchtime limerick 7/9/17

Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.

What shall we look at today…hmmm

 

A church going chap who loved learning

one day felt a rather strong yearning

he’d enjoyed fifty shades

now feels wholly depraved

and wakes up every day with loins burning

 


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Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

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Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

Today’s blog introduces my new section, Ask Michael.

Seems that there are lots of blogs offering advice and inspiration so today I thought that I would perhaps try my hand at something a little different.   I have read a lot of the blogs out there so think maybe I might have the knack.

Life not what you thought it would be?  

How about…”All good things come to those who wait.”  Ooh,  how about “Life is what you make of it.”

Now you could sit around waiting for something wonderful though I would suggest you ask yourself if it really is that bad.  Okay, so maybe you’re one of those poor folk with a face full of flies and a sticky out belly button and is born into abject poverty and would prefer a loaf of bread over a fridge magnet quote but given that you are reading this, probably on a mobile phone, then I don’t think you’re one of them.

I imagine you have very few, if any, flies on your face and you probably have Amazon Prime Video and enjoy regular baths.  Maybe it could be better if you had NetFlix, but perhaps  just be grateful for what you have and keep working to try and improve yourself and your life and those around you because it could be a damn site worse and you could be wearing underpants that you got from a Lithuanian charity.

Feeling like a failure?  

Why not hang out with urine drenched homeless people and crack addled prostitutes for an afternoon?  You’ll feel so much better about yourself in to time, and will have a new found appreciation for the meagre amount you have achieved in life.  That is assuming they don’t rob you and steal your clothes and use you as a sexual plaything in a bus station toilet.

Lost your faith?

It will be fine I promise, in fact I would suggest you get out to the pub with a few mates and have some cocktails and shots and do some karaoke.  Chances are that whatever your faith strippers and flaming sambucas are on the do to list so enjoy it while you can.

You can always go back when you hit rock bottom, or at Christmas or on the day of the holy monkey god ascension day or whatever it is people go for these days.  We all know how much people of faith love welcoming back a lost soul, so they will probably have a barbecue for you, which would be lovely I am sure.

Let’s finish on a couple of things you could turn into motivational weight related fridge magnets shall we? 

I may have fat armpits, but at least I do not look like I have aids.

I beat anorexia!

I smell like pies because it makes me feel sexy.

That’s just a sample of my wisdom, and you’re feeling better now I imagine.  Not bad for a first attempt I reckon.  As you can see I am all heart and am here to share your pain.  

Feel free to leave a comment and I will happily advise you how to fix your life.


Fancy reading something else?

Ichabod the first

Badger and Fox

More miserable and inappropriate limericks – Not for the kiddies


Photo courtesy of Geralt@pixabay

Your lunchtime limerick 6/9/17

Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.

Yes, it is that time again…

 

A virginal groom of low worth

just 5 inches, got married in Perth

wedding night, all revealed

with delight his bride sqeualed

was not length that he’d measured but girth

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 

 

Image courtesy of  pixabay

More and more limericks

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these.  Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these.  Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.


A woman that I work with a Saint

broke her spine when she slipped on some paint

She’s bed ridden and blue

Her hub said he’d be true

now he’s doing her mum, so he aint.

 

My friend had a wife quite divine

got addicted to cake, crack and wine

really let herself go

and her bottom did grow

only 30 but looks fifty nine

 

An arab chap born in Kuwait

stole the hub of a really good mate

it was all quite a mess

he looked good in a dress

now they’re married, he calls himself Kate

 

My sister got hammered one night

with her boyfriend got into a fight

so she stayed out real late

and then slept with his mate

now she’s single again, such delight

 


4.  I like doing 4.

Want something different?

Playground – Daily prompt

We unlikely few – An Armitage tangent

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt

 

 

Get well soon limericks 

Get well soon.

To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post.  Inspired by a comment by a reader at http://www.poetrummager.com who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you ! 

   

An infected promiscuous mate

Got aids from a lass on a date 

He was once much much bigger 

But now has a nice figure 

Since infected he’s lost loads of weight 

   

I saw your dad this afternoon 

Heard your  stomach looks like a balloon 

And your bottom has leaked 

But your temperature peaked 

So I hope that you’ll feel better soon 

   

Your mum said you just been for tests 

For a lump that you found in your breast

Lets hope its not bad

Cos that happened to dad 

And just after we laid him to rest 

   

I saw your dad at the garage 

said your scrotum is swollen quite large 

Since you went to Bangkok 

I bet it was a shock 

When you saw the quite nasty discharge.

    

Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.

Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay

On placing veg in your bottom.

This just slipped out…next post will be more grown up promise

A chap from school who Id forgotten 

got a vegetable lodged in his bottom 

But he chose to do nowt

And it simply dripped out 

A week later when it had gone rotten 

     

OK…thats enough posts for today.  Just needed to get that out before I forgot it. Seem to be on a roll.

Just one more post…

I have wanted to use the words “throbbing” and “Angela Merkel” in the same piece for some time. To be honest I would probably not bother reading this…

I can’t always muster anything too long when typing on my phone as its far too tricky but Im still awake and seems sleep is some way off.

 It is half past midnight and I am in the Premier Inn in Scarborough with the wife and kids and the cocophony of the blissful sleep of others means that you get one more post.  Pretty place Scarbrough.  I wrote a post or two back why I am awake.

Anyway…my point was that I think I will just wrote one more piece.  Perhaps something dirty about Donald trump and Angela Merkel.

   

Why? Since when did why matter? 

   
How electric was her touch 

proud Donald thought on meeting 

He felt a stirring down below 

As the Fraulein he was greeting 

   

His mind it raced, perfume he smelled 

So buxom quite devine 

Strong back big hands delicious chins 

He craved her “she’ll be mine!”

   

His mind it wandered, pulse it raced 

He hungered for her touch 

His little hands they craved to feel 

Her German curves so much 

   

Unable to control his needs

 he turns Away from twitter 

And sneaks away to please himself 

Whilst hiding in the shitter.

   

“Oh Angela” he cries aloud 

and dwells upon a kiss 

Trousers round his ankles

Face contorted in pure bliss 

   
OK I think I am going to bed this is just getting weird now. 

Photo courtesy of 3dman_eu@pixabay

Late night limericks 

A quick dose of inappropriateness

I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time.   So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone. 

  
A baker I know quite sublime 

Made cakes pies and puddings most fine 

Met a lass who he woo’d

with his sensual food 

Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”

   

   

A fellow with wife rather bland 

For insurance he schemed and he planned 

But his plot came to nought 

By the cops he was cought 

Now in prison he gets nightly manned  

   

   
Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer

What a weekend he had but i fear 

That his wife will discover 

His large breasted lover 

When the tests come back with gonorrhoea

     

  

A hubby his wife sadly binned

But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned

Such a flatulent hag

She’d eat chilli, he’d gag 

As it gave her quite horrible wind 

   

   
They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!

Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.

 

 

A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com

 

Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.

 

 

A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.

 

I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here.  I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him.  Maybe it was that.  It dd not last if you’re wondering.

 

Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way

 

Carl is foolish.  Do not be like Carl.  I’ll give you one more shall I.  4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.

 

 

Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched

 


 

Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/enamored/

The joy of saying stupid things 1.

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.

You know how people just say things?  e all do it and today I think I shall mount my high horse and discuss one of those things people say quite casually that more than likely has its roots in some vague truth but is actually absolute drivel.

Now insist as much as you like, but I do not for one minute believe that laughter is the best medicine.

I am a firm believer that in fact, medicine is the best medicine.

Last year I had kidney stones, and as I lay there wishing for death to take me I can assure you that the last thing I wanted was to be regaled with humorous tales.  What I wanted was drugs, and lots of them.  Ideally I wanted them administered intravenously but I was quite open to the options of those taken orally or as suppositories.

In a near state of collapse as I was I would happily have allowed passing strangers to ram as many fist fulls of whatever took their fancy up my bottom if it came with the promise of even a modicum of relief.

Now I appreciate that there is an argument here on the effects of dopamine on the body, but my counter argument is that were I a syphilis infected crack fuelled man whore on death’s door then I would surely seek respite of an opiate nature in lieu of watching box sets of Black Adder.

Not yet convinced?

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.  Let’s call this man Ebeneezer.  Now Ebeneezer has a son who, due to a most awful set of circumstances, is riddled with aids and malaria.  Sadly he also suffers from malnutrition, his little belly so terribly swollen and his face crawling with flies.  His son is in a rather terrible way and Ebeneezer calls for a doctor, and as it transpires the red cross are in the area and send one over straight away.

“Oh thank you doctor” says Ebeneezer gratefully, “please can you give my beautiful boy medicine to help with the pain?”

Now obviously what Ebeneezer is seeking is something to make his son comfortable, so you can imagine his consternation when he is instead presented with a DVD of the complete works of Monty Python.

“Watch this twice a day” says the doctor “and he will be right as rain in a jiffy.”

I imagine that Ebeneezer was not best pleased, especially given that Ebeneezer does not have a television, let alone a DVD player.


 

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun


Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

Rehash Saturday

I’ve been doing this for about a month now, and there are some posts from the first few days which have not really been seen by anyone.  Now and again I think I shall share a few.

I’ve been doing this for about a month now, and there are some posts from the first few days which have not really been seen by anyone.  Now and again I think I shall share a few.

This one was one of the first ones I did in response to the daily prompt.

I loved writing this one – it was pointless and headed nowhere but I really enjoyed not having to have an ending or a beginning.   Just a middle…

Michael


More?  Try this or this

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