Diet O’Clock – 27th of February. Dominos, you hurt me and I hate you.

Give me my inches!

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About 18 months ago I ate a lot of Dominos pizza. Probably twice a week at least for maybe a month. it was not good for my weight I tell you.

Now before you judge me too harshly I should explain that we were renovating the house and the scheduling all went to pot and the four of us ended up living in the living room for an extended spell with absolutely no cooking facilities whatsoever.

We had already spent weeks in a hotel and it was costing an arm a leg so we figured sod it, how bad can it be. Billions of people on the planet live this way.

Well as noble as that might seem (and to be fair we did have a working bathroom even if the house was still missing most of the roof) it was not the indoor camping trip that I explained to my wife and kids it would be.

Most of the time we survived on Tesco meal deals (A sandwich, packet of crisps, a drink and a snack of some sort) and bags of fruit in an attempt to ward off scurvy but there are only so many tuna sandwiches you can eat before you crave something more substantial. And that is where dominoes came in.

Two large pizzas, some wedges, a bottle of pepsi (diet of course ;)) and we were like pigs in shit. Full bellies we would drift off for a good nights sleep as the brick dust settled onto our lungs. By the time the builders moved out and normality was restored I was probably 15kg heavier than when the build started. Thats about 30lbs or more in about 10 months.

Anyway, to get to my point…

Sunday night the family were in full on rebellion as I explained that I had neglected to go shopping and it was soup and a sandwich for dinner. (I like to do the grocery shop – it keeps them from buying frivolous things like expensive loo roll and the good ham that isn’t actually full of water). They insisted that Dominos was in order and no way would they eat my soup.

Three pairs of Pouty lips and folded arms later I had ordered a large margherita, a large meaty thingymajig of some sort and some wedges. Now at £24.99 I thought it was steep but it was for two large pizzas and I figured it would last two meals and they could hae it the next night as leftovers too with baked beans and chips. (Fries for you americans not chips (crisps)).

I was upstairs when it arrived and by the time I went downstairs they were tucking in. I had already feasted on salsa and guac so was tryign mostly to just stay away from it because I have the will power of a priest surrounded by a chorus of pretty mouthed choir boys.

They informed me that they had left half for the next night which I was most impressed with and I went through to the kitchen to maybe just look at it for a while and then put the leftovers in the fridge.

And that is when things happened.

These were no large pizzas. These were medium at best. I checked the boxes and they noted that the pizzas were 13.5 inches. That is no large, my god I can eat two of thise and still have time for a sneaky Nando’s. I was outraged.

I quickly checked my order ready to make a jolly stern complaint about their mistake. I checked that I had ordered latge, which I had, so feelign smug there. they were going to get it.

And then for some reason I double checked what large was. 13.5 inches.

Now unless were talking porn, and even then it may be a stretch (no pun intended), 13.5 inches is in no way large. I checked the pizza place at the top of the hill and their large is an eye watering and anus splintering 16 inches. 13.5 is barely going to touch the bloody sides.

Surely the internet would know what the devil was going on and a quick google later I was to learn that I was not alone in my disappointment. Turns out those deceitful bastards recently reduced their ‘large’ pizza from 16 to 13.5 inches, and at the same time they upped the price.

Surely Pizza hut haven’t done this I thought to myself. Alas upon checking their idea of large is a meagre 14inches. 14! It’s the extra two that make it so bloody satisfying. How can I be sated with a meagre 14 frigging inches.

I have vowed never again to eat a dominos and was hopign the family would get on board with my protest and in future use the place at the top of the hill who guarantee satisfaction but instead they informed me that if I wasn’t eating it then actually two 13.5 inch pizzas was actually enough.

Bastards the lot of them!

P.s

I forgot to mention that I actually got a tape measure out and measured one of the pizzas and you know what it was about 12 in. 12 in. I reckon the 13 and a half in is before it gets cooked so the cooking process then steals another intern half and trust me we all know how important that extra inch and a half is. Anyway so at this point I’m actually missing an entire 4 inches .

Never Again dominoes, never again, you’ve hurt me and I won’t get over this. I can’t get over this.

Author: Michael

Husband, dad,programmer, comic collector and proud Yorkshireman. I have no idea why im here or why im writing but i rather enjoy it. no great fan of punctuation;

19 thoughts on “Diet O’Clock – 27th of February. Dominos, you hurt me and I hate you.”

  1. Whaaaaat, they can’t change the size of a pizza! This is an outrage. The people expect a certain size when they order a certain size. If everyone starts messing with the standard pizza measurements, society will crumble!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe they heard you were trying to lose weight and cut the inches just to save you? Nah. You know they’re scarfing the other three inches themselves behind the corner. Thinks about it. I eat the personal size. It’s tiny to begin with. What if they shrank that too? ……. It’s the end of the world. … Oh wait, I’ve already switched to ModPizza because they let me put as many veggies as I want on top and I can pretend I ordered a salad. Okay, a salad on a crust…. with cheese. Still lots of veggies so it doesn’t count as a pizza. I’ve given up pizza cuz now I eat salad. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. (darn it. Now I’m craving a pizza)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was hilarious Michael. I was curious what you were going to write about Dominos. The original owner way back in the 90s owned his own island and The Detroit Tigers baseball team, but sold it to a corporation and moved on, likely a billionaire. They were the biggest pizza chain here in Michigan until “Little Caesars” came along and that owner bought the The Detroit Tigers … must be a pizza/owner thing. I liked Pizza Hut pizza’s thin and crispy til they made it so thin you could read the newspaper through it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree Michael. I’m no fan of the deep dish Chicago-style pizza. When I still worked on site, I was working for the H.R. person and once a month we had a staff meeting. I had to poll the staff to see what we should order for our lunch. Lots of options for take-out in the downtown Detroit area, but they always wanted this *&#% deep-dish Pizzapolis pizza. At the time, a large pizza was $25.00 or more. It held no appeal for me and believe me, I’m not a picky eater. I just hopped on their website and they have thinner pizza and I see the V.I.P. pizza we ordered is now $33.95. And they wanted antipasta salad with it. The attorneys clamored for it at their staff meetings as well. Likely the reason the firm had to have a merger and later the firm went out of business … eating high off the hog and funding lots of social events in off hours for 75 people! You can see the picture of the deep dish pizza: http://pizzapapalis.com/menu

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know it! That’s not really my idea of pizza either – when Pizzapolis came to Downtown Detroit about 20 years ago, everyone thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. They are a chain but only set up in primo locations, not in “the neighborhood”. At those prices most people are not dining on Pizzapolis unless their company is paying for it – LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. And, … during Lent, everyone wanted Pizzapolis, but our staff meetings were always on Fridays. I had to order the seafood combo pizza and it is now $41.95 (hope you have a currency converter) … it was not my preference to have shrimp and crabmeat on my pizza.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Unbelievable isn’t it? I should have converted it to pounds – I usually do for miles and temps. (In fact, you I converted the kgs you gained eating pizza and found it was 30 pounds, then you mentioned it the next sentence.) It’s crazy – the Firm would spend a small fortune for pizza and antipasto salad for the staff luncheon – SMH.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I enjoyed this. We get pizza at least once a week during soccer season. It is not easy but we always look for online deals. It is mainly for the girls and mainly we get cheese for them. Pizza Hut has online deals for medium one topping for $5.00. So for ten Dollars the three of them eat and there are left overs. Can’t beat that.
    At a freaking salad Mike! Balance.

    Liked by 1 person

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