Let the limericks flow

Poor him. poor hobo. Poor you.

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A young fellow who’d never been kissed

Felt aggrieved at the things he had missed

So went out on the town

A few shots he drank down

Humped a tramp n got aids rather pissed

_______________________

Okay so I realize that escalated rather quickly. Limericks have a way of doing that though. Lines one to four flow just fine and before you know it this poor virgins giving hand jobs to homeless people under a bridge.

And all he wanted was some love.

Dirty bugger

ūüôā

I think I fancy yet another limerick.

what a cruel man though rather cosy and warm…

Swedish vet took a couple of kittens

Turned them into a pair of warm mittens

Sewed his dogs into hats

Made a scarf with 12 rats

Perfect wares for cold winter conditions

A limerick about Aquaman

Sploosh!

Once a lass who loved marvel most dearly

And insisted “beats dc quite clearly!”

Loves them now though i bet

Aquamam got her wet

Made her sploosh as she writhed quite severely

Wrote that one for the wife and her friends who have a film club and who normally enjoy highbrow kind of stuff and the good romcom but recently felt that they would rather enjoy Aquaman. For a bit of a change u know.

Funny they weren’t fussed about superhero stuff before.

What Teddy saw. 8.

The one with the teletubbies.

Part 1 Part2  Part 3 Part 4 Part 5  Part 6  Part 7

Well the Christmas season  came and went here in somewhat of a blur, I am sure I speak for all of the other toys when I say thank fuck for that.  As I am sure you can imagine the holidays brings a real nervousness to the toy box as you never quite know whether youre going to be usurped by this years newest fad.

A couple of the old timer hand me downs still speak with a real fear of the Christmas of 1997. ¬†There was a real blood bath once all the new toys were in the box and when the dust settled mid January all that was left were those Teletubby bitches, a few toy cars and a couple of books. ¬†You couldnt move for a bloody lala or a po wherever you went it was hell I tell you. ¬†Oh and trust me that Tinky Winky…nasty piece of work. ¬†He came across all sweetness and light but he was a real twisted bastard and had a thing for Barbie’s smooth bits. ¬†#MetooBarbieSmoothBits.

Another plus was the great time the children had as Mr dressed up as Santa for them though Mrs seemed pretty keen on the whole thing too and couldnt do enough to help. I even heard her asking him to empty his sack for her one night though from all of the noise they were making I am surprised they didn’t wake the kids up.

Happy New year from the toy box.

 

Mmmmmilky

The post that is not a post.

M has served up another delicious portion of prompts for January over here. ¬†This is in response to: “Milky white peaks charmed their senses..”


Okay so I started this but stopped because mostly it just made me sound like a perverted 15 year old.

I figured milky white peaks would be a fantastic name for a cowgirl you know, red shequed shirt with a white frill across the front, snug jeans and perhaps some rhinestone boots.  She was going to have an ample busom and there would be campfires and horse wrangling and baked beans eaten from a frying pan and oh the tales they would tell of her milky white peaks.

Then I realised that I was just thinking about Dolly Parton and it just felt wrong to write about her millky white peaks because she is like 72 and that is older than my mum and I don’t really want to think of either in any sort of…well just no.

Not that I would think of my mum like that. ¬†or Dolly. ¬†Good god what is wrong with you people. ¬†It was just an age thing…

Anyway…I’ll try again tomorrow and hopefully this whole sordid episode will be behind me by then and I will feel a little less uncomfortable with myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOT for the kiddies

Immature and inappropriate

The Haunted Wordsmith posted earlier and it tickled my fancy so I figured I would give it a crack. ¬†The idea is to come up with the best lies to the questions below. ¬†My lies are in BOLD. ¬†Or are they lies? ¬†Maybe they’re the truth and the truth is all just lies.

Deep eh ūüėČ

Everyone thinks they know the story of Jack and Jill, but why did they really go up the hill?

Weed.  Jack was a serious toker and the hill gave him a great viewpoint in case the cops came by.  Jill brought snacks.  Be like Jill.

 

What was humpty dumpty sitting on and why?

A haemerroid ring.  Did you not know that he has serious piles from sitting on that cold fucking wall all day long.  They look like a freaking bunch of grapes just dangling from his little eggy anus.

 

What did Rapunzel let down?

Oh she let her hair down alright, that is why she was locked in that tower. ¬†She was completely out of control when it came to princes and was secretly desperate to get a piece of any prince that was passing by. ¬†Her parents locked her up there for her own good because she was getting a rep as a right little tease. ¬†On and that wasn’t the hair from her head that she let down, she was famously hirsuite, if you know what I mean. ¬†ūüėČ

 

What was Little Miss Muffet eating and what happened when the spider came down beside her?

Miss muffet had spend the afternoon with Jack and Jill so she was bloody starving and was eating porridge but she had already polished a ham, two chickens and a yard of sausage.  She was still tripping balls when the spider came down so she spent an hour talking existential shit before falling asleep and pissing herself.

 

Why was Hansel and Gretel sent into the woods?

To get some shrooms for Jack because Gretel had a bit of a thing for him and they were all going to get wasted together and see what happened. ¬†Jill is a bit of a prude but you’d be amazed what people will do when they’re off their tits dancing with leprechauns.

 

Who really ate Grandma?

Everyone ate grandma when she was younger.  She would do just about anything for a picnic basket.  She makes Yogi Bear look vegetarian.

What did the Three Little Pigs build their houses out of?

Actually they rented as they were struggling to get a mortgage with the economy being in the state it was. ¬†it wasn’t like they had a job or a deposit. ¬†Unfortunately they had a pretty sketchy landlord who was just in it for the money and really didn’t look after the place which is why they came down so quickly.

What did Little Jack Horner pull out of the pie?

Himself. ¬†Come on you know he did. ¬†Times were harsh but they still ate it because it would be a good waste of pie and with the plague and everything you don’t know when the end will come so you really cannot be too picky about whether it has his special sauce in it or not.

 

What is the true story behind Cinderella?

She had to be gone by 12 because she was on probation for prostitution.  If she got caught cruising the palaces once more it was the stocks for her.

Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t his name…what was it?

Rumpledforeskin. ¬†You’d have thought he’d have gone for something way different like Kyle or Luke maybe but he didn’t want to upset his mother.

 

Now off to bed with me to read stories to the kiddies

Happens to us all right?

Of love and lust and gettign a little bit splooshy

M has served up another delicious portion of prompts for January over here. ¬†This is in response to: “Every inch of his body sensed her presence.”


 

There’d been flirting and longing and deep admiration

he found her enticing, with much admiration

he craved her since day one and felt such frustration

her dark eyes, soft skin, sweet disposition

 

How he wondered if ever they might be united

a deep hunger he felt, he so often delighted

in sweet flights of fancy his passions ignited

to be with her his greatest ambition

 

‘Cross the room he did see her and loins burned with fire

watched her play with her hair felt consumed with desire

caught her eye, and she smiled and he melted entire

how he craved her, his secret admission

 

And quite sudeen she’s there and she smiles, says hello

introduces herself and it so seems to throw

him quite sideways, she laughs says she really must go

“let’s swop numbers’ her sweet proposition

 

One thing leads to another as things tend to do

text turns to call turns to date and then two

and he knows she’s the one he wants nobody new

time to kiss ‘spite nervous disposition

 

In the dark of the cinema quirms in his seat

every inch of his body felt presence most sweet

turns to face her she sees him her lips his then greet

warm soft bounty his sweet acquisition

 

Head and heart swell in her gorgeous embrace

and his body reacts and his pulse quickens pace

and then Sploosh he explodes quite all over the place

cannon-esque, with hot white ammunition

 

“Oh my word” she exclaims as his face twists in pleasure

and his trousers run thick with his thick baby treasure

and he splutters and coughs one last time for good measure

says he’s sorry with heartfelt contrition

 

So the moral it seems is to try take it easy

or your trouser will end up quite sticky and greasy

and all thoughts of sweet love be they ever so cheesy

will be spent with pre-mature condition