Tag: limericks

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

 

For that special someone who your husband ran off with…

Heard you’re pregnant and feeling quite ill

happy days, eat for two what a thrill

Once you’re big as a horse

he’ll skip town, well of course

he’s a dick, should have stayed on the pill

 

Or on the same theme…

Heard the test came back, it’s gonorrhoea

and a pretty bad case, you poor dear

still I’m sure your new new life

with your whore of a wife

is quite great.  ***Sits back opens a beer***

 

Oooh this could so be a new thing.  Might do a range of greetings cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Eeuuuwww

Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.

There once was a fellow from Leeds

Had some real dark and rather sick needs

Shouted “Bring me a goat

Two small kids and a boat

And a full yard of glass anal beads”

 

Each December we put up a tree

Decorate it with oh so much glee

Then we watch as it dies

As we gorge on mince pies

Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie

 

A poor fellow addicted to crack

Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back

To his family and wife

Though he missed his old life

He was also quite hooked on ball sack

A couple of rather rude limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…a few of the ones that make me chuckle that I often avoid writing because they go too far in some regards but I am in the mood for going too far today.

There was a young fellow from China

Met this lass with a massive vagina

 

 

he would rattle inside

she would say “It’s so wide,

but was tighter when I was a minor”

 

For every vagina based limerick I feel it should be balanced out with a penis based one.  Just for good measure.

 

A well endowed fellow called Scott

has a dick he could tie in a knot

animals he could make,

dogs, swords flowers or snake

some girls found it incredibly hot

 

And just because I can one about anal sex.

 

lad I know, poor thing – anus quite wrecked

he hit forty so prostate got checked

turned out loved it so much

craved it poked, drilled and touched

far more pleasure that one might expect

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should be shocked at all of these and roll your eyes and tut.  If you dont then you are part of the problem 😉

A Final Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Heard your suffering, and poorly my friend

How I hope that you’ll be on the mend

pretty soon feeling fine

itll heal up in time

told you never to pierce your bell end

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

 

I hope he gets prison aids.

I feel like I should be throwing rocks at something but all I muster is a bloody limerick

Wicked Donald presides from his perch

Leaves his country alas in the lurch

Muslims, gays, blacks will feel

Twitter wrath, don’t you kneel

But its fine if you gun down a church

Should you like young kids like his pal Ron

Fill your boots cos he says that’s not wrong

and hell grab your wife’s V

cos he likes it you see

and he’ll have Ivanka’s before long

Then his wall he will build and what’s more

Taking health care away from the poor

The right wing he’ll embrace

And he sees no disgrace

giving tax breaks to friends all the more

So fake news will not slow his progress

As America sinks but I guess

the whole world cannot cry

cos we idly stand by

But that’s life, well done us, what a mess

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

I heard you’re quite bloated today

And you stomach’s all growly  you say

Just give in,  let it out

Unleash hell have no doubt

You’ll feel better quite soon, fart away

 

Ha that picture with this poem made me chuckle.   There must be a fetish haiku in it surely…

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

You got whiplash? Oh dear that’s a shame

Though I hope that you know who’s to blame

Cos you’re sure to cash in

And you’ll most likely win

When you call up and submit your claim

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Sprained Wrist *wink wink* 

 

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Donny and Roy love the ladies

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

This occurred to me earlier and made me chuckle.

 

Theres your POTUS, loves grabbing vagina

now insists Roys a good man, none finer

seems he’s rather quite keen

of young girls of fourteen

doesn’t matter to him, loves a minor

 

 

 

Late Night Limerick – So you’ve got syphilis

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

So you’ve got syphilis

This is as far as I got.   Just the title.  I started researching it right and oh my bloody hell it’s frigging awful.  I can happily write a stupid poem about it with little knowledge but I confess to never having really understood fully just what it entails.

I tell you it is quite awful.  It effects you for like forever and some of the things that happen to you are quite chilling.  Let’s just say that you could indeed look back at the day your dick nearly fell of and think “Aah, good times.”

Bloody hell, I’m stopping writing now and having a rum and going to bed.  Maybe 3 rums actually.

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

 

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You really should know better. You know who you are.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Young and single and sexually free

Unprotected you play cos you see

You were  really quite thick

now  you’re grabbing youre dick

STD feel’s like fire when you pee

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Heard you had something dodgy to eat

Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet

You just threw up your lunch

And your arse packs a punch

Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You know this is what you really want to say

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good

Please indulge me this thought if you would

Get you’re arse off to bed

If you’re feeling so dead

‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.

 

 

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill

With a sneeze and a cough and a chill

I think stay tucked in bed

Chicken soup and some bread

if not better then perhaps take a pill.

 

See.  Not weird or anything.  Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.”  But no, that’s not unnecessary.  

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.

I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages.  I think the picture makes it.

 

An alpha male type, macho guy

One day realised he may well be bi

Now he’s down on the dock’s

And he’s gobbling on cocks

Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

Normal stuff again, nothing weird to see here thank heavens.

There once lived a lady named Jane

Who so loved to dance out in the rain

Got a cold, then a sniff

then pneumonia, quite stiff

now lies dead and no coat was to blame.

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

After the last two days limericks I feel the need to just step back a touch and calm things somewhat.

There once was a gran who made mittens

Tiny things that you put upon kittens

Super cute, fluffy sweet

They’d cavort at her feet

If you see them you’d ‘Awwwww’ rather smitten

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You people out there doing this…STOP! It’s just wrong!

This might make you gag a touch.  It’s apparently a real thing.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it but I will probably publish it anyway.  It’s not my fault people are weird.  I just write about it.

 

A young chap who worked at the zoo

Had an odd fascination with poo

He would take hand fulls home

Have a sniff, gasp and moan

Cavort naked, all caked such a thrill

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay