Musky appeal
Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”
Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.
Maschalagnia
Head down inhaling
hot musky heady odours
tangy on the tongue
Armpits. Some people are get all amorous for pits. Fair enough I guess.
You really should know better. You know who you are.
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.
Young and single and sexually free
Unprotected you play cos you see
You were really quite thick
now you’re grabbing youre dick
STD feel’s like fire when you pee
photo courtesy of pixabay
For me it starts once I have seen the coke advert…
I was unsure as to whether posting on the matter of Christmas was a little premature, but I saw the Coco-Cola advert last night so for me that is the traditional beginning of Christmas and a green light to write about it.
Actually, I should confess that our family Christmas traditions started week before last. Each Sunday in the run up to Christmas we watch one of the Harry Potter films, and by the time they’re all done the big day is upon us. I just think there’s something about the films that screams Christmas plus it gives us a chance to curl up in front of the fire on a gloomy English Sunday afternoon and spend time together with the kids who, as they get older, are often keen to be anywhere else.
While I am at it I have another confession. On Sunday we had our first family Christmas get together. Now I know it is only mid November but my Dad works in Kazakhstan much of the year and this was the last chance we had to get together before he goes away until the new year so we had lunch (not a festive one as the Christmas menu was not yet out) and exchanged gifts. This has become something of a tradition in recent years, and we now seldom meet over the Christmas period.
Funny you know, but I had intended for this to be something of a rant about the things I don’t like about Christmas – and there are many, but over recent years I have learned to enjoy it more than I ever did, and I think perhaps it is because as a family we are making our own traditions and not simply slotting in with other peoples.
Yes we see our families and friends, but when it works for us instead of it feeling like an obligation. It’s selfish perhaps, but sometimes it is important to consider what you need first because just pleasing others at your own expense isn’t always a good thing, as selfless as it might seem.
Do you have any traditions that you’re excited about?
Anyway, see you tomorrow for ‘D is for Duran Duran’
Some families aren’t always what they seem…
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
“Dude what the hell have you done?”
“I know I know, but he was keeping me awake all night every night. I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped.”
“So you just bashed his head in? No one complains about you.”
“You gotta understand man, the wheezing – it never stopped. Night after night it just went on and on and on I couldn’t take it.”
“Oh the boss is so going to go ballistic man.”
“Shit shit shit shit shit!”
“Get a mop, bucket and tarpaulin. We’ll sort it”
“Oh gosh thanks man really, thank you!
“The seven dwarfs sounds better anyway…”
Photo courtesy of pixabay
I am too scared to google this any more than I have
Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”
Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.
Formicophilia.
Skin crawling, writhing
slowly up the water spout
delicious creepies
Look I’m not sure if I am being had here but the internet reckons its all to do with become aroused by insects crawling on you. I know, I’m not sure about it but Im not researching any further in-case someone looks over my shoulder and sees what I am googling. Give a new meaning to incey-wincey spider though right…
A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.
Heard you had something dodgy to eat
Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet
You just threw up your lunch
And your arse packs a punch
Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet
photo courtesy of pixabay
This is serious stuff, and not wholly unpleasant…
A few weeks ago I went to Leeds to see this chap who quite tenderly caressed my testicles and probed my bottom.
Okay, now that I have your attention I will clarify that it was part of a health assessment and the chap was most qualified to do so given the certificate on the wall. He also had a white coat and a stethoscope, so that pretty much qualifies him to do what the dickens he fancies to my tender parts.
I would say that the certificate didn’t specifically mention those activities, that would just be weird, but it all looked particularly official so I just assumed it covered it.
My point is, and it is a serious one, that many men neglect these things and end up dead.
There are some pretty harrowing figures out there on the matter of men’s health. Did you know that 1 in 8 men in the UK will get prostate cancer in their lives? It is the most common cancer in men in the UK, and yet so many of us do nothing about it in terms of prevention.
What’s the point you ask? My point is don’t neglect your health gents. You might actually find that you enjoy it, you never know.
Head over to www.prostatecanceruk.org if you want more information.
Tomorrow: C is for Christmas
You know that feeling when you just gotta have something to eat…
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
Granville sat back, chemical pleasure coursing through his veins.
“Food” he thought grabbing a large bag of crisps pushing handfuls of day glow orange goodness into his mouth.
“Oh so good” he said as his mind did a triple somersault and the television turned into a Shetland pony. “Soooo good”.
Handful after handful he shovelled into his cavernous mouth until they were all gone, his fingers thick with their dust.
“Eat them” shouted the Shetland mounting a mermaid that had 5 minutes earlier been a coat rack.
“Then join us” she said winking.
Granville grinned, opened his mouth and bit down…
Photo courtesy of pixabay
I will only do these for a week or so I promise.
Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”
Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.
Emitophilia
Regurgitating
pulse racing, licking of lips
slow, breathless, retching
Turns out the idea of watching someone vomit is trouser stiffening for some folk. I shit you not. Who’d have thought eh. Maybe your neighbours are emitophiliacs? No? You never know don’t be so sure.
Only another 4 to go after this dont worry.
You know this is what you really want to say
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.
Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good
Please indulge me this thought if you would
Get you’re arse off to bed
If you’re feeling so dead
‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!
photo courtesy of pixabay
Welcome my alphabet of thoughts.
The world is full of them, we all know that. Pompous, annoying and wholly unpleasant individuals who, if you could get away with it or were rather good at fighting, you would happily punch in their man-vagina. Turn around, I bet there is one near you right now.
He’s probably a loud mouth breather or perhaps he’s cooking fish in the office microwave whilst talking loudly about something pointless. I don’t know you or the circles you move in so you may even be in proximity to someone who’s rather fond of molesting prospective actors, some drunk and others not. You might just move in lofty circles indeed and you can see a vagina grabbing orange faced buffoon or a man of god senate elect who’s rather fond of fourteen year olds from where you’re sitting.
The point is they are everywhere.
I say him, it could well be a her, but my experience is that arseholes tend to be primarily male.
Let me give you an example. On the way into work this morning there was a spandex clad one on a bicycle who insisted on weaving dangerously between traffic causing the impatient driver arseholes in their cars to beep, swerve and drive dangerously to pass him almost wiping out one of those dog walking types who probably lets their dog shit everywhere for my kids to step in and drag it into my car making it smell like the bottom of a rottweiler. And exhale…
It really was a veritable cornucopia of arseholes. Unless there is a better collective noun for them. What about ‘a clench’ or perhaps ‘a puckering’.
Anyway, onto my rather laboured point. The world is full of them, in fact we have a glut, so try not to be one today, and I will too.
Tomorrow: B is for balls
Seems we all have our dirty little secrets…
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
Cheap neon buzzed and flickered as James slipped inside the building, hood pulled down hiding his face.
God he hated himself for doing this. Such lack of control, suck desperation, so many lies. God the lies were killing him.
Most of all though he hated betraying Cath. Since he’d lost his job she’d returned to work, now she was never home and never had time for him.
“It’s not my fault” he told himself pulling the door closed, unbuckling his jeans, “I have needs, I’m only human.”
“James what the fu…” came Cath’s voice as his boxers slipped to the floor.
Photo courtesy of stux at pixabay cco
I will only do these for a week or so I promise.
Read here if youre wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku.”
Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.
Forniphilia
Be my slutty chaisse
my dirty coffee table
sweet filthy futon.
Okay so when I first saw this one I read the following:
| Forniphilia | Turning a human being into a piece of furniture |
I now know it’s more than that but I wrote the haiku before investigating and I kind of reckon I will just leave it at that.
Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.
Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill
With a sneeze and a cough and a chill
I think stay tucked in bed
Chicken soup and some bread
if not better then perhaps take a pill.
See. Not weird or anything. Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.” But no, that’s not unnecessary.
photo courtesy of pixabay
Where do you do it?
When posting the picture below I was asked whether it is where I write. God, I wish! That picture is from a stately home up in the Lake District that we visited earlier this year. Kings and queens have apparently visited the place, and jolly grand it was but alas no, I have somewhere a little more simple where I do my writing.
When I sit down to write it is here:
It isn’t actually a desk, so new to this am I that having a desk has never really been something I have considered committing to. I have a couple of Ikea Billy bookcases pushed together in the back bedroom and I am rather happy with that. I have my Amazon Alexa to keep me company and she mostly only ever receives instructions to play piano music. She then plays me the ‘Classical Piano’ channel from Amazon music. She’s good like that.
I also have a few pencils and highlighters, a notebook or three and a few other odds and ends but nothing that distracts me. I think there’s a bottle of Kraken Rum in there too somewhere which is my most favourite of the rum family.
There are a few books tucked away including the entire Mission Earth set by L Ron Hubbard. I dont fall for any of his Scientology bollocks but that series of books just amazed me when I read it 30 odd years ago. So much so that they are the copies I read back then when I lived in South Africa. The actual copies.
I do my writing on a Microsoft Surface pro. It’s a true joy to work on and one of the rather fast i7 ones so never ever am I prone to waiting for anything to load, which is something that makes me rather sweary and want to punch kittens in the face.
Anyway, I didn’t plan to write that much but there you go. The place where I write.
Where do you write?
A destructive tale of attraction
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
Penny watched from the shadows at the people walking by, all so oblivious to the dark creatures clinging desperately to them.
Helpless she followed a creature of jealousy and anger draw its host slowly towards a pretty red haired girl, surrounded by a pall of self doubt and fear.
There was nothing she could do, and she already knew how it would end – badly.
He smiled, offering his number. “I’m Dan” he said.
She blushed and took it, “Im Emma.”
The creatures grinned and hissed in delight. Grandma said it was a gift, but to her it was a curse.
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Cross my palm with silver…
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
Darren sniggered behind his hands as Madame Zabor peered intently into the cup.
“I see death” she warned, a crooked finger stabbed towards him. “Heed my warning” she continued “the fates have spoken.”
He sniggered before bursting into howls of laughter.
“I’m sorry” he said, quite obviously not, “this is ridiculous.”
“Change your ways” she warned as he continued mocking.
“Come on” he said, “what you gonna do, turn me into a toad?”
Darren doubled up laughing and started to speak but his words were cut short as her hands clamped tightly around his throat.
“Fate has spoken boy” she grinned.
Photo courtesy of pixabay cco
And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.
I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages. I think the picture makes it.
An alpha male type, macho guy
One day realised he may well be bi
Now he’s down on the dock’s
And he’s gobbling on cocks
Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try
photo courtesy of pixabay
Ever wonder where people get their inspiration?
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
“Boss, you seen what Mary’s writing?”
“The ‘footprints’ woman?”
“Yeah her” Jonah continued “what did you do, this smells of you? Just leave them alone.”
“Look, I never asked to get stuck on this planet, and I certainly never asked to be anyone’s god” he snapped. “3000 years I’ve been here, it’s boring. Not once have head-office bothered to pop in and say ‘good job’ or read one of my reports.”
“What did you do?” Jonah pressed.
“Ok so I gave her the ‘I was carrying you ‘ dream.”
“Is that all?”
“…and gave her cancer.”
“Boss, you’re such a dick.”
Photo courtesy of pixabay
And yet another from my phone.
If read it right then no explanation, no people no something else. Anyway I think I’m meant to do a black and white photo a day for a week. Okay there’s a few people if you look closely. I’m not great with boundaries you know that…
Day 7
So I believe, after 7 days, I am now meant to nominate someone. Lets go with Walt. You should visit and read Walt. He has stuff to say.
Just a thought, you know, a bit of advice…
How I wonder if you ever thought
Of the lessons your parents once taught
To be good kind and sweet
To the people you meet
stead of showering in piss, water sport
On Sundays I think I will on occasion re blog an early most which post of you will never have read.
For my darling wife and my beloved children.
I write this to you in a moment of clarity, which these days are sadly so very few. They tell me I do not recognise you any more and that your names are lost to me, my mind fragile and my memories faded. I write this with haste as I know not when the clarity will slip through my fingers.
Today, of all days, I remember you. I remember it all. A lifetime of memories too many to repeat and my heart swells with joy at the life I have lived. The face of my beloved wife on our wedding day, holding each of you in my arms and the laughter – such laughter – of a life well lived and so widely shared.
Each and every Christmas is as clear in my mind as the day I lived it first, I recall each first day at school, each scraped knee, each lost tooth and every candle blown out on each and every cake. I remember those special moments that I shared with each of you that I cherish while I can and that overwhelm me so suddenly that I am given to tears of joy.
To my beautiful children, the pride I felt as you grew and blossomed and built lives of your own fills me now as it did every day watching you. To my wife, my love, my friend , my everything you were my inspiration and my light and I would gladly give every day I have left for just one more walk with you arm in arm.
Do not remember me as I am but rather as I was, and I ask that you mourn not the loss but rather savour each moment we have lived and loved and laughed.
They tell me that you may be here later, it is my Birthday after all, though alas I fear by then I will be lost to you again. If that is so then I would have you know that I will love each of you always, and in my heart I remember you.
Dad
This is how it ends…
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
“What I don’t get” said Zark, feelers twitching, “Is how they start quite pleasant and before you know it they’re quite reprehensible beastly slargvarbles.”
“Nature” said Ven entering coordinates into the navigation panel.
“Not nurture?” ventured Zark.
“Not a bleednorgs chance in snarbut” Ven answered, “there’s no way this species can be this awful without it being part of their very nature.”
“So that’s it?” asked Zark bringing up the targeting reticule. “They failed?”
“It seems so” said Ven quite matter of fact, “vaporise them and let’s go home.”
“Pity” Zark replied punching the incinerate button, “I did rather enjoyed probing them.”
Photo courtesy of pixabay
I will only do these for a week or so I promise.
I was prompted by one of my regular readers to perhaps explore the world of fetish in haiku form. Well it was something like that, I don’t recall exactly but before you know it I am googling the most astonishing things and writing small Japanese poems about them. I know they’re not strictly haiku – they do though have the haiku structure.
Some of stuff I have heard of but a lot of it took me somewhat by surprise. I am rather concerned over the search history on my phone because it is pure filth. All in the name of research mind.
Anyway, I shall leave it up to you to google the title below if you dare.
Liquidophilia
You filthy bugger
get them out my bloody pint
wet dripping bollocks
How to get ahead in life.
Thanks to Michelle for the prompt
Theo opened the jar labelled ‘Calcium Powder’ and added it the blender.
“They won’t laugh at me this time”, he told himself grinning.
His scrolled through his TOR browser, following the recipe. They promised to make him faster and stronger, and even though it had cost him all his savings it would be worth it.
The browser flashed. ‘Add optional Ingredient X now’.
Theo grinned, walked over to the freezer and pulled out the head of Mr Tanaka from next door, a retired mathematician.
“Nothing wrong with some extra smarts” he said to himself grinning as he cracked open the skull.
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Afterwards 