Tag: inappropriate

Alphabet Soup – Room 101. I’d mostly just pass this one by.

This is offensive and crass and pretty childish really and just ignore it.

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.

Today it’s alphabet soup.  This is not written for anyone or aimed at anyone but instead a piece that I should be better than.  It’s just a list of profanities listed alphabetically and loosely rhyming.   Imagine it as maybe a breakup letter written to someone or a poem written for a colleague when you’ve left work.

This is probably my swearing quota out of the way for the month.Maybe read this instead its wholesome.  And this is very grown up.

 

 

 

 

A is for arsehole and B is for Bastard

C for Crap and perhaps sometimes C*%T

And D so for Dickhead or maybe a Douche

E’s for effing,  please don’t take affront

 

Fuck is quite obvious, Goddamnit is G

Hard-on might be a stretch, cut me slack

Idiot will do me when searching for I

J for jackoff said behind your back.

 

K for Knob really suits you Its british for cock

L for Lobcock.  It’s bad – look it up

Mother fucker a classic you sure must agree

Youre a Nupson if not, useless tup

 

Onanist that’s describes you a tosser for sure

And a prick if you really must know

Q I aint got a thing cos I’m not homophobic

Rimjob suits you cos you really blow

 

Shit-face, spanner and sod I have next on my list

And then twat ‘cos its obviously so

Uropygium, bird’s anus – I looked that one up

Vaffanculo –  Italians will know!

 

Wanker, wally and whore seem to work pretty well

Xanthippe, Yarak and Zatch work real well

Now go google and find out just what they all mean

And when done kindly then go to hell.

 

The things people do…

Based in fiction obviously

I watched the most recent league of Gentlemen and have had Tubbs on my mind very much and this is somewhat driven by that image of her with the pig.  If you’ve seen it you know the one.  If not you should.  Or what about that episode of Black Mirror with the pig.  Oh yes that one!

limerick7118

 

 

Another year, same old limericks

What? I like writing them…change isn’t always good.

Once a vicar quite fond of the whisky

found it made him quite hot and most frisky

one bleak Sunday in Lent

he’s caught pitching a tent

caused some fuss I can tell you , quite risque

 

That just about sets the tone for 2018 I reckon.

Eeuuuwww

Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.

There once was a fellow from Leeds

Had some real dark and rather sick needs

Shouted “Bring me a goat

Two small kids and a boat

And a full yard of glass anal beads”

 

Each December we put up a tree

Decorate it with oh so much glee

Then we watch as it dies

As we gorge on mince pies

Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie

 

A poor fellow addicted to crack

Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back

To his family and wife

Though he missed his old life

He was also quite hooked on ball sack

Dances with elves – Room 101

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

“What the… ” he exclaimed marching in and shoving a small man in a cowboy outfit hard in the chest.  “Explain yourself”.

The man, probably in his seventies, wore a sly grin on his face and a large bulge in his jeans.  “We were just dancing sir” he said “We met at the mall and your colleagues suggested they could help me with my bulging Christmas sack.”

“Get out of here you sick bastard” Nick shouted shepherding him from the room, “leave my elves alone!”

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A couple of rather rude limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…a few of the ones that make me chuckle that I often avoid writing because they go too far in some regards but I am in the mood for going too far today.

There was a young fellow from China

Met this lass with a massive vagina

 

 

he would rattle inside

she would say “It’s so wide,

but was tighter when I was a minor”

 

For every vagina based limerick I feel it should be balanced out with a penis based one.  Just for good measure.

 

A well endowed fellow called Scott

has a dick he could tie in a knot

animals he could make,

dogs, swords flowers or snake

some girls found it incredibly hot

 

And just because I can one about anal sex.

 

lad I know, poor thing – anus quite wrecked

he hit forty so prostate got checked

turned out loved it so much

craved it poked, drilled and touched

far more pleasure that one might expect

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should be shocked at all of these and roll your eyes and tut.  If you dont then you are part of the problem 😉

More R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.

 

I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…

 

A fine actor from Hollywood hailed

and young men he apparently nailed

one with mouth he did please

as he dropped to his knees

many more he’d seduce but he failed

 

Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta

Had a mind that was oft in the gutter

Home he’d go self to please

Rub his bollocks with cheese

And his nipples he’d smother in butter.

 

There once was an old man from Chile

Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy

That would be rather sick

To write odes of old dick

I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…

 

An innocent chap from Taiwan

who kept puppies and sweets in a van

Gave away outside schools

Church bazaar’s, public pools

worse charity ever, stupid man!

 

Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty

Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty

“God that stings” through the walls

Heard him shout, slips and falls

Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure.  I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them.  So for the first time I’ll publish a few.  

 

There lived a young chap in Caracas

Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers

thought he’d best see the doc

who grabbed hold of his cock

and gave them a shake like maracas

 

A saucy fun temptress from China

spent her cash on a custom vagina

was so very good looking

but just no use for fucking

though she might just let you 69 her

 

A mechanic from North Carolina

had the hots for a big burly miner

left his family in shock

when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock

I just like it way more than vagina”

 

A vicar quite down on his luck

found a great way to make a quick buck

to the members he went

said “I need to pay rent,

for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”

 

A builder from Cork name of Shamus

had a monstrous and cavernous anus

in his bottom he placed

knives, forks, bowls cups and plates

now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

The limericks I don’t usually publish

Move along, nothing to see and certainly not for kids.

For every limerick I write there is usually another I discard because it is inappropriate, childish, vulgar, twisted or just not the sort of things I would want my kids to stumble upon.

Today I will publish a few because I am in the sort of mood, and it’s the weekend and what are weekends for if not inappropriate limericks.  I had something of a request for more erotic asphyxiation stuff earlier this week.  I know I know, but there’s no accounting for the tastes of people.  

 

A conservative preacher, John Stead

Man of god but quite kinky in bed

by the cleaner discovered

bound, naked and buggered

Purple faced, plastic bag on his head

 

A plumber from Goole well endowed

love to take off his clothes in a crowd

and the ladies he’d please

as it hung to his knees

hand on hips, legs akimbo, so proud

 

A vicar from Grimsby most hated

spent a celibate life most frustrated

unless you count the young boys

who he used as his toys

’till they caught him and now hes castrated

 

Something more pleasant?

Ooh look at me being all topical!

Faeries: The long winter

Fences – FFfAW Challenge – 11th of July

 

photo courtesy of hypnoart at pixabay

 

More and more limericks

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these.  Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these.  Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.

A woman that I work with a Saint

broke her spine when she slipped on some paint

She’s bed ridden and blue

Her hub said he’d be true

now he’s doing her mum, so he aint.

 

My friend had a wife quite divine

got addicted to cake, crack and wine

really let herself go

and her bottom did grow

only 30 but looks fifty nine

 

An arab chap born in Kuwait

stole the hub of a really good mate

it was all quite a mess

he looked good in a dress

now they’re married, he calls himself Kate

 

My sister got hammered one night

with her boyfriend got into a fight

so she stayed out real late

and then slept with his mate

now she’s single again, such delight

 

4.  I like doing 4.

Want something different?

Playground – Daily prompt

We unlikely few – An Armitage tangent

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt

 

 

A collection of hopefully sad limericks.

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny.  My aim is to do quite the opposite. How did I do?

On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself.  

Last Monday I explored the idea of the inappropriate Haiku which you can read here. 

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny.  My aim is to do quite the opposite.  So, can the limerick be sad?  Perhaps you’d like to leave your own in the comments?

A young lad I knew as a senior

he got cancer, I think ’twas leukaemia

the treatment it failed

he got thinner and paled

and then died and his wife got bulimia

My dad was a drunk and a cheat

every weekend my mother he beat

took her cash to do drugs

bringing home sluts and thugs

’till we all ended up on the street

First time we met how I tried

not to love, but I made her my bride

then the marriage it failed

when her sister I nailed 

Took her life, overdose, suicide

My dog, my best friend always true

dedicated to me through and through

Drunk, I left the door wide

and she ran straight outside

got ran over and died now I’m blue

 

A chap that I know who loves choir 

had to quit giving up his desire 

he could not harmonise 

when he lost both his eyes 

and his tongue when he fell in a fire 

I think I’ll stop there, I’m not sure that I’m trying hard enough to make them sad.  Or maybe I should blame the limerick, either way I hope it’s not too inappropriate and I think it goes to show that even the most serious of subjects find some lightness in a limerick.

Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

 https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/harmonize/