I promise I wont do more of these…
Gym kit malfunction
who’d ever have imagined
hidden in small shorts
I know I am a grown man and that I should know better. I know I can produce things of a more edifying nature. I know should be a better example to my children and generally a better human being but alas I am not.
Look what dad made boys! Don’t tell mum!
Well, its something I suppose
Once a big strapping fellow called andy
Saw his wife’s thong n thought “that looks dandy”
He perfected the look
With a shave and a tuck
Now on weekends prefers to be Mandy
Poor him. poor hobo. Poor you.
A young fellow who’d never been kissed
Felt aggrieved at the things he had missed
So went out on the town
A few shots he drank down
Humped a tramp n got aids rather pissed
_______________________
Okay so I realize that escalated rather quickly. Limericks have a way of doing that though. Lines one to four flow just fine and before you know it this poor virgins giving hand jobs to homeless people under a bridge.
And all he wanted was some love.
Dirty bugger
🙂
what a cruel man though rather cosy and warm…
Swedish vet took a couple of kittens
Turned them into a pair of warm mittens
Sewed his dogs into hats
Made a scarf with 12 rats
Perfect wares for cold winter conditions
Tasty…mmm
Once a butcher who’s marriage had soured
Killed his wife and her liver devoured
Made a pie with her thighs
And kebabs with her eyes
Fried her heart lightly spiced, dipped and floured
Go on you know you want to
Wealthy woman who’s husband had strayed
And enjoyed coital bliss with their maid
Now she irons cleans n mends
“Hes on business” pretends
As she smashed in their heads with a spade
Brrrrr
Winter’s icy sting
Frosted flowers glistening
Pale insipid sun
Think he got it on wish…
Once a lonely chap ordered from china
A state of the art fake vagina
Came with booklet of tips
How to best use the lips
And he reckons he’s not had one finer
Squishy
Once a bloke, for ‘the one’ he was waiting
spent his nights quite alone masturbating
Past his prime with regret
He went onto the net
Bought himself a girlfriend, self inflating
Sploosh!
Once a lass who loved marvel most dearly
And insisted “beats dc quite clearly!”
Loves them now though i bet
Aquamam got her wet
Made her sploosh as she writhed quite severely
Wrote that one for the wife and her friends who have a film club and who normally enjoy highbrow kind of stuff and the good romcom but recently felt that they would rather enjoy Aquaman. For a bit of a change u know.
Funny they weren’t fussed about superhero stuff before.
Blah blah limerick blah
A young lad with a craving for porn
Who would watch from late night until dawn
Please himself with such joy
Bought himself a large toy
Now his anus is tattered and torn
who left that lying around?
A young lady upset and quite sad
As her boyfriend had treat her most bad
‘Till revenge it was served
In short skirt and much verve
When she spent the whole night on his dad
Oh Im just keep on giving don’t I
Love wains, they try to
keeps it fresh in the bedroom
risky and risque
Get well soon!
Oh you poor thing I hear your unwell
seems it’s oozing and starting to smell
round the edge it’s gone crusty
and at night seems quite musty
and your girlfriend she has it as well
Because Im just the giving type
As time marches on
lifes toll shows in tired eyes
bodies grow weary
Stuff happens…
Once a shepherd who loved his wife dearly.
When she passed, took the loss quite severley
As he tended his flock
they reacted with shock
he was lonely it seems, rather clearly
The one with the teletubbies.
Part 1 Part2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7
Well the Christmas season came and went here in somewhat of a blur, I am sure I speak for all of the other toys when I say thank fuck for that. As I am sure you can imagine the holidays brings a real nervousness to the toy box as you never quite know whether youre going to be usurped by this years newest fad.
A couple of the old timer hand me downs still speak with a real fear of the Christmas of 1997. There was a real blood bath once all the new toys were in the box and when the dust settled mid January all that was left were those Teletubby bitches, a few toy cars and a couple of books. You couldnt move for a bloody lala or a po wherever you went it was hell I tell you. Oh and trust me that Tinky Winky…nasty piece of work. He came across all sweetness and light but he was a real twisted bastard and had a thing for Barbie’s smooth bits. #MetooBarbieSmoothBits.
Another plus was the great time the children had as Mr dressed up as Santa for them though Mrs seemed pretty keen on the whole thing too and couldnt do enough to help. I even heard her asking him to empty his sack for her one night though from all of the noise they were making I am surprised they didn’t wake the kids up.
Happy New year from the toy box.
They’re mostly harmless
In suburbia
secrets abound and fester
until mardi gras
A tale of caution and precaution
Married fellow precautions foregoing
red light district, wild oats he was sewing
now he’s crusty and oozy
caught siph off of a floozy
which he gave to his wife without knowing
Oh go on then
Stares at the mirror
Christmas excess took its toll
inhales and holds it
Just because I can
Once a couple in love but most chaste
He to her: “Love my seeds gone to waste
I wake up in the night
sticky mess, PJ’s tight
god won’t mind if you have just a taste”
The post that is not a post.
M has served up another delicious portion of prompts for January over here. This is in response to: “Milky white peaks charmed their senses..”
Okay so I started this but stopped because mostly it just made me sound like a perverted 15 year old.
I figured milky white peaks would be a fantastic name for a cowgirl you know, red shequed shirt with a white frill across the front, snug jeans and perhaps some rhinestone boots. She was going to have an ample busom and there would be campfires and horse wrangling and baked beans eaten from a frying pan and oh the tales they would tell of her milky white peaks.
Then I realised that I was just thinking about Dolly Parton and it just felt wrong to write about her millky white peaks because she is like 72 and that is older than my mum and I don’t really want to think of either in any sort of…well just no.
Not that I would think of my mum like that. or Dolly. Good god what is wrong with you people. It was just an age thing…
Anyway…I’ll try again tomorrow and hopefully this whole sordid episode will be behind me by then and I will feel a little less uncomfortable with myself.
That is why they cannot have nice things. Or salad.
Kinky couple, seems they had forgotten
‘Bout the veges she’d placed in his bottom.
Quite uncomfy as hell
And my god what a smell
Pretty nasty when they had turned rotten
Why not….
Proud of his conquest
though the darkness holds secrets
by day shame abounds
Oh don’t go acting all surprised
Once a vicar, a spiritual leader
Like plump ladies turned into a feeder
feeds them sausage and pies
for round bellies, thick thighs
massive bottom? Oh he’d really need her
Afterwards 