Tag: christmas

Up yours Christmas – 2 – I saw mummy

Dear Santa

I saw you kissing mummy underneath the mistletoe last night just like in the song which was very exciting. Or at least she said it was you.

I must say I didn’t know that there was a Jamaican Santa. You must get cold because you didn’t have a shirt or trousers on so will be having a word with my friend Kira who comes from Kingston and has never ever mentioned this.

I must say I do love your dreadlocks too.

I am surprised that mummy got any presents at all though because of how hard you were spanking her. She must have been very very naughty so its really kind of you to leave her something. Was it because she was begging for you to empty your sack so much? Probably right?

I don’t know why she was suggesting you dump everything down her chimney though because we live in Florida so dont have a fireplace. She has a terrible memory though and often forgets things like dinner and laundry . Was her forgetfulness why you kept asking her to say your name?

Anyway it was very kind of you to visit us especially because daddy is away with work so often.

Lots of love

James

P.s. She did actually share the presents with us even though you said she should take it all.

P.p.s She drank all the eggnog too I think because there was none left in the house but she did still have some on her chin. Greedy mummy.

.

Up Yours Christmas – 1 – Jingle Bells

Personally I love it but I know not everyone is a fan so here’s somethign different.

Night still and calm all through the night

They travel ‘cross the skies

And pull their load for girls and boys

For Christmas morn surprise

 

With Gifts wrapped bright such joy they bring

And never ever late

Beneath the tree their cargo sits

For youngsters to locate

 

And off once more away they set

God speed into the night

Unknownst to them below he has

Them firmly in his sight

 

He calms his breath and sets his sight

a finger on the trigger

and zooms right in above the heart

the target he makes bigger

 

For meat he craves, and prey to hunt

A quarry none have taken

This year it’s reindeer meat he craves

A sausage wrapped in bacon

 

Or chops or ribs or tender flank

Or maybe steak’s the answer

Or Rudolph snout or Blitzen pie

Or lightly sautéed Dancer

 

He holds his breath, squeezes a shot

that echoes in the night

and watches, slowly as it snows

and ends their lives mid flight

Diet o’clock 26th of November

What a perfectly normal post. feels odd really. Even a little dirty, like I’m role playing being an adult…

Right so there’s just about time to do another month of whole30 before Christmas give or take a day.  The last few months have been a bit on off for all manner of reasons but I am feeling motivated to have another round and get things back on track.

Looking back I feel so much better that I did when I started in July with my energy noticeably improved, I am sleeping better and obviously weight wise it has been a winner too.  I have discovered all sorts of things I enjoy to eat (I’m looking at you here guacamole) and my family are enjoying some of the benefits too but I do think I could have done better.

So for the next 30 days I am going to do my damnedest to give it one big push and I shall share the experience more often that just weekly…Might be tricky in the run up to Christmas but if I can do it until the 24th then I know I can do it any time.

So how has today gone?  Well I missed breakfast as was on the school run and straight after I popped to do some grocery shopping.  I decided to stay away from red meat but did stock up on fish and a little chicken too.  I bought a ton of vegetables and already had lots of fruit in too.

For lunch I made a salad with mackerel, tomoatoes, onion, salt and pepper and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice and you know what, it was bloody gorgeous.  For those that like to count calories the fish was about 330 and the other bits take it to maybe 500 in total.  I also had an apple, a pink lady, which is my favourite.  The mackerel is just the sort that is vacuum packed so probably not perfectly whole30 but meh, I was shopping at LIDL it’s hardly the easiest place to shop…

Anyway, taste wise it was fabulous and as I have half a pack of the fish left I am going to have it for my tea tonight too.

The biggest challenge today has been resisting the rice pudding sat in the fridge that I made yesterday.  I did it with paella rice and oh god it is so delivious, especially this time of year when its so chilly out, but resist I did 🙂

 

20181126_112820849296127221296800.jpg

Michael

 

 

 

The things people do…

Based in fiction obviously

I watched the most recent league of Gentlemen and have had Tubbs on my mind very much and this is somewhat driven by that image of her with the pig.  If you’ve seen it you know the one.  If not you should.  Or what about that episode of Black Mirror with the pig.  Oh yes that one!

limerick7118

 

 

Another year, same old limericks

What? I like writing them…change isn’t always good.

Once a vicar quite fond of the whisky

found it made him quite hot and most frisky

one bleak Sunday in Lent

he’s caught pitching a tent

caused some fuss I can tell you , quite risque

 

That just about sets the tone for 2018 I reckon.

On the great king across the sea

oh how great thou art in thine own eyes

You know by now how this goes right…

 

A fellow quite fond of gold showers

lay spread eagled and pissed on for hours

cos he loves human waste

smell, feel colour and taste

says he thinks it give him super powers

 

Heavens that just flowed out of me like a hookers hot liquid leavings…

 

Watch him pander, right wing evangelics

and the baby boom males, cold war relics

Nazi’s, those at the top

KKK and the GOP

He’s way worse than a mad ISIS cleric

 

But small hands will do that to a man

who grabs pussy whenever he can

 

and is mates with Roy Moore

whole likes kids by the score

and sends muslims away by the score

 

 

 

 

Are you kidding me?

This is a new level of madness…

I awoke this morning to read that Donald has tweeted that given that it is going to be cold on the east coast of America on New Years eve that is proof against the arguments of global warming.

Are you fucking kidding me.  Because he had Dinner last night does that mean there is no starvation out there across the planet.  What about Science?  Evidence?  This fool does not even know the difference between climate and weather.

I read once that a people get the government they deserve and I have to ask myself what the hell did you Americans do to deserve this?

You know, I don’t think I can even do a limerick on this right now.  Who’d have thought eh.

Fuck you Donald Trump and fuck anyone who supports you.   You’re all idiots.

Eeuuuwww

Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.

There once was a fellow from Leeds

Had some real dark and rather sick needs

Shouted “Bring me a goat

Two small kids and a boat

And a full yard of glass anal beads”

 

Each December we put up a tree

Decorate it with oh so much glee

Then we watch as it dies

As we gorge on mince pies

Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie

 

A poor fellow addicted to crack

Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back

To his family and wife

Though he missed his old life

He was also quite hooked on ball sack

A bit OTT I admit

I think this would be fun read aloud all dramatic.

Oh Donald

Piss soaked and rancid monster

Eating the babies of the poor for breakfast

Fried, boiled or poached

Race doesn’t matter when it dribbles from your gaping rectum

 

You sit atop your mountain of ill gotten gains

Face contorted, scant comfort

Self proclaimed saviour of Christmas

Move over Jesus

the GOP have a new messiah

 

Cold shrivelled heart beats slowly

Small fingers reaching, searching

Stabbing at late night screens

Drifting into sleep

Dreaming of teens

 

Bring him your poor huddled masses

Tossed onto his raging fire

Warming himself

Cries music to his ears

Heartless Evangelicals applaud

 

A slow descent into madness calls

Paranoid, mind full of echoes

Until an end

Cold, feeding the worms

As feet dance merrily above

Dark Christmas – Bells

Ding ding-aling ding ding ding

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

All through the night the warning bells

Ring out, he’s on his way

To find the children out of bed

And load them on his sleigh

 

To take them back to workshops dark

And toys and gifts to make

Beware if you don’t listen out

Your children will he take

And in their place the gifts he leaves

for your loss scant consolation

and so bad children disappear

Christmas night across the nation

 

He twists their minds their souls corrupt

As they slave at his command

So heed the warning bells this night

As he travels across the land

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Angel

Surprise! You’re having God’s baby!

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

As Mary sat one night appeared

to her an angel bright

to much surprise and some dismay

gave her an awful fright

 

“now steady on” she did proclaim

“you gave me quite a shock

Just barging in without due note

Or even single knock”

 

Now Gabriel was not one for

her small talk he confessed

and did insist “you have found favour,

a woman truly blessed”

 

She scratched her head and looked quite vexed

“I don’t now what you mean,

I’ve got a date I’m just off out

With this yummy Nazareen”

 

“You’re chosen child” Gabe did insist

“’amongst women quite unique

God wants you to have his baby”

She went pale and could not speak

 

“Woah no no no!

You’re joking right, this must be a mistake

Joe won’t ever believe me

This is far too much to take”

 

“Oh worry not” Gabe said “be calm

I’ll go and have a word”

“you know that I’m a virgin right”

She said “this is absurd”

 

“I’m not the type of girl who just

Puts out cos God decides”

Gabe smiled “too late, ‘tis already done

Your baby grows inside”

 

“Oh thanks indeed” she says resigned

To her heavenly chosen fate

“So just like that I’m up the duff

Without even one date?”

 

“You are my child” Gabe says and smiles

Then says “I must get going”

“I’ll pop in – see Joe – before I leave

Explain just what you’re growing”

 

“Oh right” says M “That’s it then right?”

And like that the Angel went

“I guess I should be grateful

‘cos my babies heaven sent”

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Rudolph

Reindeer are, it seems, just for Christmas

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

Through cold and dark

Through snow and ice

Each year in search of children nice

And wind does bite

With gifts in tow

They race ‘gainst time through falling snow

 

And at the head

Of sleigh and team

One reindeer whose nose does beam

Year after year

Enslaved and bound

He holds his master from the ground

 

Never to roam

Nor to run free

Whips lash to bring the gifts to thee

And at days end

When task is done

Back to his jail beyond the sun

 

And there he waits

Since years of yore

Routine the same forever more

One night a year

Sweet freedom tastes

Heart cold and black, each Christmas hates

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay