Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
Heard you’re no longer with John my ex
it tuns out he just used you for sex
you poor thing you must hurt
you’re just boobs in a skirt
loves young dream all now totally wrecked
photo courtesy of pixabay
Inappropriate and just a bit…meh
There once was a chap who loved cake
so much so that for sponges he’d ache
for panache he would pine
for gateau most sublime
fell in love with a lass who could bake
It’s saturday…not my best day for limericks.
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I don’t have a dog called Caper – Daily prompt
Image courtesy of me
Once a prudish young woman named Jude
Had a belly that seemed to protrude
It turned out to be gas
Cos she not let her ass
pass wind as he found it quite rude
I once worked with a woman called Cath
Didn’t shower and seldom did bath
god the stench from her pits
Tits and rank naughty bit
It’s not funny you so shouldn’t laugh
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Limericks? In the middle of the day? Surely not…
There once was a teacher named Tash
Who one day she did sprout a moustache
Cross her lip it did wend
And curl up at the end
Joined the circus and made loads of cash
There once was a farmer maned Bert
Loved his milk cows so much that it hurt
Went too far, made me shudder
What he did with that udder
Let’s just say that it caused quite the squirt…
There once was dancer called Shirley
Who’s pubes were quite thick and most curly
It was full and so plush
A most seventies bush
Who’d have thought for a creature most girly
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Silly and crass and most immature
Sometimes a limerick is all you need to say get well soon…
Oh poor baby I hear you caught syphilis
from that woman you slept with at Christmas
and gave it to you your wife
and it’s ruined your life
but at least you can boast of your mistress
What? Things like that happen..
Heard you’re spending some time on the loo
and your whole house it smells just like poo
and you really cant think
with your head in the sink
as its coming out of that end too
True story
Heard your boob job it went quite awry
when you look at them you just start to cry
‘cos they’re both different sizes
and they’re full of surprises
as one nipple looks like a pork pie
photo courtesy of pixabay
Not a word of weirdness
Just a Welshman eating snails. SImple.
WWJD
I was this morning reminded of the scumbag that is Creflo Dollar, the preacher who, a couple of years ago, spent 63 million dollars (I put fifty in the limerick because it worked better ) on a new jet for his ministry.
Throw up all the arguments you like there is no justification ever that he should need to take money from people that he can travel spreading the gospel in a frigging Gulfstream. Yes there have been good deeds done but just how much more could he do if he was not spending money on multi million mansions, multiple Rolls Royce and jets.
The man and his organisation are truly predatory. You know, I do wish there was a hell because it would surely have a place for men like him.
Sadly, I still remember a time when I had some of his tapes you know. Glad those days are behind me that’s for sure.
and a limerick…
you, yes you…
Based in fiction obviously
Im not a fan of fundamentalists of any kind these days, and I dont give nearly enough abuse to these foul despicable Jihadi types. Pity there isn’t a hell as it would be nice to imagine them all there gnashing and wailing…
Based in fiction obviously
I watched the most recent league of Gentlemen and have had Tubbs on my mind very much and this is somewhat driven by that image of her with the pig. If you’ve seen it you know the one. If not you should. Or what about that episode of Black Mirror with the pig. Oh yes that one!
scorchio
True story
Think I better cross it…
Bestiality fan from Tibet
Would see kittens, break out in a sweat
She once fondled a puppy
Rubbed her boobs on a guppy
Let a couple of rats make her wet
Just a small matter of gender pronouns
young fellow unsure of his sex
found the subject intense, left him vexed
was it her, it or him,
Mr, miss, sir or shim
gender pronouns really are complex
Wholly inappropriate for a Tuesday if you ask me…
A girl name of Kirsty Mcwhirter
great in bed and a bit of a squirter
she would cry out your name
just as if quite in pain
by the noise you would think that you’d hurt her
What? I like writing them…change isn’t always good.
Once a vicar quite fond of the whisky
found it made him quite hot and most frisky
one bleak Sunday in Lent
he’s caught pitching a tent
caused some fuss I can tell you , quite risque
That just about sets the tone for 2018 I reckon.
how very awful for you…
Oh sweet Jesus heard you have Ebola
from the trip that you took to Angola
your insides turned to mush
and they ran out your tush
get well soon, but I’m not coming over
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
For that special someone who your husband ran off with…
Heard you’re pregnant and feeling quite ill
happy days, eat for two what a thrill
Once you’re big as a horse
he’ll skip town, well of course
he’s a dick, should have stayed on the pill
Or on the same theme…
Heard the test came back, it’s gonorrhoea
and a pretty bad case, you poor dear
still I’m sure your new new life
with your whore of a wife
is quite great. ***Sits back opens a beer***
Oooh this could so be a new thing. Might do a range of greetings cards.
photo courtesy of pixabay
Told you those leftovers were past their best…
A chap I met on a kibbutz
Had a tumor on one of his nuts
Like a grapefruit it swelled
Wouldn’t cease and he yelled
Oh god please cut it off, hurts too much
photo courtesy of pixabay
Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.
There once was a fellow from Leeds
Had some real dark and rather sick needs
Shouted “Bring me a goat
Two small kids and a boat
And a full yard of glass anal beads”
Each December we put up a tree
Decorate it with oh so much glee
Then we watch as it dies
As we gorge on mince pies
Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie
A poor fellow addicted to crack
Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back
To his family and wife
Though he missed his old life
He was also quite hooked on ball sack
Told you those leftovers were past their best…
Hear you’re feeling quite bloated, unwell
and seems your stomach has started to swell
and you’ve terrible gas
leaking out of your ass
and you cannot stop puking as well
photo courtesy of pixabay
Crass childish sweary nonsense that barely rhymes properly
A POTUS loved by evangelic
praise Jesus hes orange, mesmeric
But to me hes a dick
a piss drenched racist prick
no better than an ISIS cleric
Now he reckons it’s Christmas he’s saved
so you better hope you have behaved
In the name of J Christ
he’s now after your wife
He requests her pussy waxed or shaved
Okay so theyre a bit clumsy but I kinda like them anyway 🙂
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Got this card as I hear you need smiles
as you picked up a bad case of piles
nearly Christmas, be merry
cream up your dingle berry
you’ll be feeling tip top in a while
photo courtesy of pixabay
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Saw your mum said you’re pretty unwell
spider bite and it started to swell
and the lump got quite red
on the side of your head
filled with puss and it’s starting to smell
photo courtesy of pixabay
Afterwards 