Tag: sex; oral; funny; poetry; funny; silly

A landscaper with uncontrolled hard on

to a customer did beg her pardon

He could not spare her blushes

When he worked with her bushes

Pitched quite a tent in her wild lady garden

A grocer of note, Gerry Nichols

Who in his butt place large pickles

He would squeal with surprise

As juice ran down his thighs

And guffaw as it really quite tickles

There once was a lady from Bruges

Winter sports she loved, most of all luge

Got a thrill from the speed

and her sensual need

was fulfilled by tights shorts and men huge

Our babysitter, mum’s brother Remus

had a rather large, quite hairy penis

As kids I’d share a bath

with my brother, such a laugh

and my uncle would climb in between us

An adventurous lassie from Derry

To her boyfriend: “Take my anal cherry”

Though he gagged on the fruit

Of her unwashed poop chute

Not to mention it was rather hairy

A quite curious frustrated vicar

said “I need to get laid” on the liquor

but hes dull and no looker

so he’s out with a hooker

with big boobs cos they get him off quicker

Once a lady of quite ill repute

played the penis just like ’twas a flute

she would give the girls tips

on the best use of lips

and then strum it like playing a lute

A lady with bosoms aplenty

Proved a hit with the men of the gentry

They succumbed to her wiles

And her winks and her smiles

But to church she was oft refused entry

A fellow from Bangor I met

Had a shirt that was soaked through with sweat

As he’d been on the run

From a priest and a nun

And a Bishop who’s wife he got wet

Once a young single woman called Wendy

who in bed was fantastically bendy

after one or two beers

had her legs round her ears

with the chaps was incredibly trendy

Friend of mine had this girlfriend called Lucy

Rather thin, none the less quite a beauty

Fed her bagels and chips

Ribs cakes burgers and dips

Now shes perfect, round curvy and juicy

A Greek chap I know Theo Grafitis

Filled his face with cakes biscuits and sweeties

Grew progressively wider

On sweet apple cider

Nearly died, lost his toes, Diabetes

I tried to write a limerick once before and failed which you can read about here.  But today I got close.  Nowhere near the true horror but it’s a start.

Chap a know big fan of one night stands

got quite drunk and as part of plans

took a lass to his place

now has scabs on his face

and his knob and a rash on his hands

Flame haired fellow from the Hebrides

had a penis that came to his knees

in his kilt he’d go out

women swooned and would shout

as it swung happily in the breze

A Cheese loving nudist from Caracus

thought he had something wrong with his knackers

thought maybe it was crabs

or some nasty dried scabs

but turns out was just crumbs from the crackers

For those of you who read this know this would likely follow…

Lonely chap on the net bought a Russian

Rather forward she left the lad blushing

She’d explode like a geyser

The more he would please her

He’d be really quite soaked from the gushing

Evengelical reds on the right

Praise the lord them and Donald so tight

Seems that Jesus forgives

Porn star sex if you live

In the house on the hill oh so white.

Once a fair faced young damsel from Gwent

at a festival went to her tent

with a handsome young buck

who it seems was in luck

then watched cold play,  smoked weed, rather spent

Friend of mine wed this chap, quite the bloke

things got stale and it wasn’t no joke

He said “let’s spice things up

– watch 2 girls and 1 cup”

Now he’s single, she’s back at her folks

Once a butcher quite proud of his meat

Claimed his beef was so juicy and sweet

said he’s happy to fillet

claims he won’t even bill it

and his sausage, wink wink, quite a treat

There once lived a priest in Madrid

Was not proud of the bad thing he did

Had a thing for the choir

Made them sing high notes higher

Got caught now in Vatican hid