Chances are they will be inappropriate. In fact it is almost certain.
This week your WordPress feed with be filled with the theme of love, and through my limericks and haiku I will attempt to fill you with some of mine.
Loves young dream at the alter they stand
the wedding she wanted, quite grand
three hours later all tears
full of champagne and beers
bridesmaid caught with his knob in her hand
photo courtesy of me
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
There once was a waiter named skip
tried so hard, customers did not tip
paid the bill, left and sneered
got run over, car veered
ran them down, both now dead, what a trip!
Remember, always tip!
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
As it is Saturday I will, rather than do full limericks as I have been doing all week, just give you a taste of the opening lines I did not use this week. I don’t think they need explaining…
So your penis got caught in your zip. (I’d lined up rip, snip, bleed and seed to go with it)
What this gun? Oh don’t worry it’s fine
Heard you got back from hols and have aids
Saw your wife wow her butt has got huge
Anyway…have a nice Saturday wherever in the world you are!
photo courtesy of pixabay
There once was a lady called Mary
Who’s back was incredibly hairy
and her arms legs and tush
shoulders chest neck and bush
in a two-piece was really quite scary
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
Heard your wife ran away with your brother
and your father changed sex, extra mother
and your sister got nicked
down the docks sucking dicks
you caught an STD from a lover
Such bad luck you poor thing I feel sad
oh no wait, I dont feel slightly bad
cos you bullied at school
were an absolute tool
hope it’s syphilis and it drives you mad
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
Such a shame that you’ve lost all your cash
on the markets, who knew that they’d crash
I cant lend you some, no
and this just goes to show
just be careful with that kind of stash
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
Heard your kids been excluded, the fool
broke the pesky no strong liquor rule
when young yours were devine
so much better than mine
as you said every time outside school
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
There once was a lovely young lad
found his missus in bed with her dad
said he “Babe it’s quite gross”
she replied “were just close”
that they never had kids he’s quite glad
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle. Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.
Heard you’re no longer with John my ex
it tuns out he just used you for sex
you poor thing you must hurt
you’re just boobs in a skirt
loves young dream all now totally wrecked
photo courtesy of pixabay
limericks to make you roll your eyes and make tutting noises.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
There once was a butcher named Chuck
would sell any old meat for a buck
he’d sell dachshunds as steak
sell you minced rat and steak
‘stead of chicken you’d get pigeon or duck
There once was a Baker call Ned
quite a perv, things he did with the bread
doughnut holes…yeah believe it
used his bits to achieve it
late at night he’d take croissants to bed
A fellow, a candlestick maker
had a wife who in bed was a faker
so he took to his bed
brought his work home instead
now quite easy for him to placate her
What makes me follow…
I’ve been doing this for a while now and I am often conflicted with how best to use my time as I want to read as many people as possible on here but the truth of the matter is that simply is not possible. This is not intended as an excuse, but rather an acknowledgement and from that stems the question – how will I decide who to follow and read.
Turns out, for me, it’s about the author and not necessarily the work. Connections with authors seems to matter as much to me as their work, and if that person allows you into their world in a way that is more than just the words for that day then I find myself wanting to return to find out more about them. The most compelling blogs I have followed are also quite often those where the author takes time to build the relationship with their reader. They post and reply to comments in a meaningful way, they show an interest in your opinion and they seem genuinely interested in engaging rather than simply throwing a work out there and waiting for the likes.
Now that’s not always the case, and obviously an interest in the work of the person helps and if that interest extends to enjoyment all the better. I enjoy the odd bit of poetry, and have re-blogged some and will be re-blogging more of my favourites in coming weeks. Recently though I stumbled upon this chap who I not only enjoyed immensely but also followed because his poetry was so damned good. The rhyming and metre and flow was just some so ridiculously enjoyable I felt compelled to.
Anyway, not sure where that came from because I was going to write about Yoga and people who do yoga and yoga pants but that will have to wait for another day.
You should not like them but you will…
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
That title is a bit over the top isn’t it. Sorry.
A fellow quite fond of a spank
Gave up his well paid job in the Bank
Now he spends each day addled
High on coke getting paddled
By a 6ft tall angry blonde yank
There one hailed a man from Peru
Without pork he simply could not do
He could not live without
Daily servings of snout
Curly tails, pointy ears, trotters too
Orange man king of U S of A
Cannot stand the poor, sick, black or gay
God forbid you’re all 4
He will kill you for sure
Just as soon as he gets his own way
Crass and inappropriate
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
There once lived a man in Phuket
kept an elephant calf as a pet
treat it rather quite bad
it grew large and got mad
squashed him flat, left a smear, rather wet
An old lady qho rather loved cats
lived alone in a tall block of flats
died alone at her place
and the cats ate her face
decomposed, then was fed on by rats
A chap on vacation in Delhi
drank the water and god a bad belly
he would cry scream and shout
as he turned inside out
quite disgusting and rather quite smelly
Its not really all it seems
Its a tale, old and true, through the ages to you
a man good, brave and noble quite grand
he’s from stories of old, and songs sung and yarns told
stout of heart but alas such small hands
From when he was a lad, he would say to his dad
One day I, will for sure, be a knight
But alas his dad feared and he scratched his long beard
Not convinced that in fact his son might
For his hands so quite small, even though he was tall
And a sword he could surely not hold
It would fall from his grip, to the ground it would slip
Left defenceless alone in the cold
“Perhaps it’s not for you” , said his dad, his heart blue
“Maybe you should consider your trade
Jesters are in demand and with your tiny hands
You would surely have your fortune made
You can dance, perform tricks, they will laugh, give you tips
You can jape, as they point at your fingers
Dressed as harlequin king, telling jokes then you sing
Of the Celts cross the sea, all such gingers
Okay so I will stop there. Ever start a post and persist and persist and then realise you’re wasting your time? Well this was one of those. For some reason I got into my head that a poem about a knight with small hands called Brian would be a good idea. I like to think I am pretty creative but beyond the title that is all I had. I started to write and got a few nicely rhymed bits done and then kind of backed myself into a corner.
Instead of stopping what I did was keep going which was a bad idea because beyond King, knight and jester I wasn’t wholly convinced of what other jobs you’d have in medieval times. Priest? Blacksmith? Boil Lancer? Pot Emptier? So another bad idea there obviously.
I did toy with the ridiculous and there will forever be remembered the missing verse where I discussed just how much bigger things seem when held in small hands. I thought for a while that it was funny then realised it sounded like it involved a child’s hands and a grown mans…well you know. I quickly deleted it.
I was then going to try and make it some sort of political commentary on Donald Trump which just made me think that I should perhaps shut the hell up because there are limits to weirdness and an allegorical tale about Donald Trump through the medium of a small handed knight is just stupid.
So this is it. A lesson in knowing when to say enough is enough because as much as you might like your title and the noble looking photo you found on pixabay sometimes there just aren’t enough words to rhyme with hands…
Not sure where that came from…
Ive a story to tell, settle down listen well
Tis a tale of a woman of needs
And the cravings inside, which have made her quite wide
And the treats upon which she so feeds
Now Maria’s her name, and cake wrangling’s her game
Shes a pro, every day on her lips
Whether Gateau’s or pies, small or massive in size
Cream and chocolate into her mouth drip
She’s mad for banoffee, and small cupcakes with coffee
She’ll do things rather dirty for choux
Muffin gobbler is she, has cream horns with her tea
Panettone? Just a portion or two
Of red velvet she’ll dream and she quaffs it with cream
And then onto some sweet baklava
She hides brownies in bed, and loves sweet pumpkin bread
Stashes souffle down inside her bra
Doughnuts, pancakes and tarts, cookies shaped just like hearts
And on shortbread she eats quite her fill
Gives hand jobs for yum yums, taste so sweet on her tongue
For a fruit cake she’d happily kill
For no matter the treat, just as long as it’s sweet
Our Maria she needs to eat more
Sponge cake, jam filled with cream they’re an absolute dream
The cake wrangler can’t help but adore
One’s about putting marrows in one’s bottom…
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
Once a woman quite fond of baguette
just the shape brought her out in a sweat
the soft inner, hard crust
filled her mind with such lust
and a footlong, well that made her wet
There once hailed a plumber from Goole
Who did not work on loos as a rule
See they made him unwell
Could not handle the smell
God forbid he should witness a stool
A gardner, big veg fan from Leeds
quite depraved in his sexual needs
how he loved to shove marrow
in his passages narrow
then would eat them, apart from the seeds
I’ll get bored of them eventually I am sure. Maybe…
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
There once hailed a priest from Manilla
who turned out was a serial killer
Though on Sundays he’d rest
with the saved and the blessed
Then on Monday, kill whores, what a thriller
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
On the matter of meat, probing and D
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
There once was a butcher from Crete
had a love of fish, poultry and meat
gorged on legs, wings and chops
haggis eggs and roll-mops
burgers, sausage and steaks such a treat
Fan of X-Files insisted he’d been
by some aliens, sucked up in a beam
stretched his bottom quite wide
as they probed deep inside
the poor chap what they did was obscene
Once a POTUS who claimed “It’s fake news”
hates the poor and the blacks but likes Jews
grabs your wife by the V
then he showers in Pee
supports racist right wing and their views
Another day, more limericks
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
Ballet dancer who got rather plump
so much so that she barely could jump
All the cookies and pies
they went straight to her thighs
when she did she came down with a thump
Once a Gent with a craving for women
went to watch them and spied on them swimming
he emerged ,they screamed “Weirdo!”
at the bulge in his speedo
didn’t help, the lip licking and grinning
Once a Donald with cravings for females
banged a porn star, ensuring no blackmail
paid her off, hundred K
“Doesn’t matter” he’ll say
“Not as bad as Clinton and her email!”
Waiting for the kids to finish school
I haven’t had much time write anything today as I have been rather busy doing stuff, but I did have a wee gap when picking the kids up from school and had the words Denise and Cheese rattling around in my head and needed to get them out so even more limericks. I think the second may be my one of my best ever.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
Friend of mine met a woman, Denise
Super hot but alas smelled like cheese
Tried quite hard, could not bed her
As she smelled just like cheddar
Gorgonzola, blue Danish and Bries
There once was a chap quite humongous
Never bathed, in his rolls he grew fungus
In his chins you’d find mould
Sweat would pool in each fold
In his crack nasty filth in abundance
There was a woman called Kate
Who would eat every crumb on her plate
She would nibble from others
From her parents and brothers
Now quite round and she cant find a date
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Need a get well soon limerick? Look no further…
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
Saw your dad, says you’re suffering a spell
raging fever and sweaty as hell
spent all day on the loo
from both ends, as you do
hope you’re soon on the mend and quite well
You’ve a rash and the pustules are welling
and a discharge that’s green and now smelling
Maybe go see a nurse
‘fore it gets any worse
could explode if it carries on swelling
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Need a limerick for someone with a nasty discharge? I got your back…
Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
Stay in bed as I know you’re unwell
there’s a discharge, a rash – must be hell
get some shots, you’ll be fine
it will heal up in time
and perhaps it will no longer smell
Oh poor poppit I hope you’re less sick
as the discharge, I believe, is quite thick
hope the swelling goes down
and it’s no longer brown
and it’s no longer oozing, quite slick
Heard you caught something nasty my friend
take your pills you’ll be soon on the mend
next time just be aware
take precautions and care
cos it seeping and all red at the end
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Silly and crass and most immature
Sometimes a limerick is all you need to say get well soon…
Oh poor baby I hear you caught syphilis
from that woman you slept with at Christmas
and gave it to you your wife
and it’s ruined your life
but at least you can boast of your mistress
What? Things like that happen..
Heard you’re spending some time on the loo
and your whole house it smells just like poo
and you really cant think
with your head in the sink
as its coming out of that end too
True story
Heard your boob job it went quite awry
when you look at them you just start to cry
‘cos they’re both different sizes
and they’re full of surprises
as one nipple looks like a pork pie
photo courtesy of pixabay
No apologies, they make me happy.
Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
A financier born in Sri Lanka
Who wrote poems, quite odd for a banker
he would take such delight
in his form oh so tight
how he revelled in Haiku and Tanka
There once lived a farmer called Phil
bought a bride on the web from Brazil
when she landed such shock
massive balls and a cock
it worked out though, shes hung, what a thrill
There once was a Vicar from Cannes
who when drunk went to bed with a man
Hes now happy it seems
with the man of his dreams
left the church, toured the world in a van
Okay lousy last line there but I wanted them to have a happy ending.
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Proof perhaps that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…
Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
There once was a vet born in France
Gerbils caused quite a stir in his pants
Rabbits caused a cold sweat
And his trousers got wet
Fondles hamsters if hes given chance
Once a husband caught aids from a hooker
quite infected but still quite a looker
gave his wife it, she died
and their graves the kids cried
On his gravestone it read, “What a Fucker”
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Afterwards 