Based in fiction obviously
I watched the most recent league of Gentlemen and have had Tubbs on my mind very much and this is somewhat driven by that image of her with the pig. If you’ve seen it you know the one. If not you should. Or what about that episode of Black Mirror with the pig. Oh yes that one!
scorchio
True story
Think I better cross it…
Bestiality fan from Tibet
Would see kittens, break out in a sweat
She once fondled a puppy
Rubbed her boobs on a guppy
Let a couple of rats make her wet
Just a small matter of gender pronouns
young fellow unsure of his sex
found the subject intense, left him vexed
was it her, it or him,
Mr, miss, sir or shim
gender pronouns really are complex
Wholly inappropriate for a Tuesday if you ask me…
A girl name of Kirsty Mcwhirter
great in bed and a bit of a squirter
she would cry out your name
just as if quite in pain
by the noise you would think that you’d hurt her
What? I like writing them…change isn’t always good.
Once a vicar quite fond of the whisky
found it made him quite hot and most frisky
one bleak Sunday in Lent
he’s caught pitching a tent
caused some fuss I can tell you , quite risque
That just about sets the tone for 2018 I reckon.
how very awful for you…
Oh sweet Jesus heard you have Ebola
from the trip that you took to Angola
your insides turned to mush
and they ran out your tush
get well soon, but I’m not coming over
photo courtesy of pixabay
Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.
For that special someone who your husband ran off with…
Heard you’re pregnant and feeling quite ill
happy days, eat for two what a thrill
Once you’re big as a horse
he’ll skip town, well of course
he’s a dick, should have stayed on the pill
Or on the same theme…
Heard the test came back, it’s gonorrhoea
and a pretty bad case, you poor dear
still I’m sure your new new life
with your whore of a wife
is quite great. ***Sits back opens a beer***
Oooh this could so be a new thing. Might do a range of greetings cards.
photo courtesy of pixabay
Told you those leftovers were past their best…
A chap I met on a kibbutz
Had a tumor on one of his nuts
Like a grapefruit it swelled
Wouldn’t cease and he yelled
Oh god please cut it off, hurts too much
photo courtesy of pixabay
Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.
There once was a fellow from Leeds
Had some real dark and rather sick needs
Shouted “Bring me a goat
Two small kids and a boat
And a full yard of glass anal beads”
Each December we put up a tree
Decorate it with oh so much glee
Then we watch as it dies
As we gorge on mince pies
Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie
A poor fellow addicted to crack
Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back
To his family and wife
Though he missed his old life
He was also quite hooked on ball sack
Told you those leftovers were past their best…
Hear you’re feeling quite bloated, unwell
and seems your stomach has started to swell
and you’ve terrible gas
leaking out of your ass
and you cannot stop puking as well
photo courtesy of pixabay
Crass childish sweary nonsense that barely rhymes properly
A POTUS loved by evangelic
praise Jesus hes orange, mesmeric
But to me hes a dick
a piss drenched racist prick
no better than an ISIS cleric
Now he reckons it’s Christmas he’s saved
so you better hope you have behaved
In the name of J Christ
he’s now after your wife
He requests her pussy waxed or shaved
Okay so theyre a bit clumsy but I kinda like them anyway 🙂
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Got this card as I hear you need smiles
as you picked up a bad case of piles
nearly Christmas, be merry
cream up your dingle berry
you’ll be feeling tip top in a while
photo courtesy of pixabay
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Saw your mum said you’re pretty unwell
spider bite and it started to swell
and the lump got quite red
on the side of your head
filled with puss and it’s starting to smell
photo courtesy of pixabay
A quick Tuesday shenannigan
I know I’ve written about this stuff before but it remains fun to challenge myself to search for the perfect limerickian expression to encapsulate certain subjects. I’ll miss them when it is all over I am sure.
I believe he likes watching parades
and with family plays cards and charades
now this might seem quite mean
and to some most obscene
but I hope he gets cancer or aids
You’d think I would be bored of these by now. Nope 🙂
The man who would make your wife wet
Is now stealing your free internet
then he’ll fire FBI
and hide every lie
and be crowned the greatest POTUS yet
A quick Tuesday shenannigan
I know I’ve written about this stuff before but it remains fun to challenge myself to search for the perfect limerickian expression to encapsulate certain subjects. I’ll miss them when it is all over I am sure.
Anyway, given that its time for the Alabamians to potentially elect a serial molester to the senate here’s something a little longer. Limericks ahoy!
There’s this POTUS with wandering hands small
Seems he’s fondled women one and all
So watch out here he comes
Fondling grans, daughters, mums
‘cos he’ll grab yours fat, thin, short or tall
Young girls he gives to Roy his mate
Thinks at 14 they’re ready to date
He prefers them much younger
Such a vile paedo hunger
And soon could be in the Senate
Ron I bet Don would love Alabama
Cos he’d spend all day fondling your gramma’
And he bring round some teens
And you’d cream in your jeans
And then head off to church with your Mamma
But it’s fine, the GOP say its forgiven
By the saviour, apparently risen
And besides they’re just men
Least they’re not a damned Dem
It’s the Clinton’s who should be in prison…
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Heard you had quite a tiff with your Zip
And the skin on your knob it did rip
And you screamed like a child
And your eyes they bulged wild
Left a rather deep gouge in the tip
photo courtesy of pixabay
I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.
Okay…a few of the ones that make me chuckle that I often avoid writing because they go too far in some regards but I am in the mood for going too far today.
There was a young fellow from China
Met this lass with a massive vagina
he would rattle inside
she would say “It’s so wide,
but was tighter when I was a minor”
For every vagina based limerick I feel it should be balanced out with a penis based one. Just for good measure.
A well endowed fellow called Scott
has a dick he could tie in a knot
animals he could make,
dogs, swords flowers or snake
some girls found it incredibly hot
And just because I can one about anal sex.
lad I know, poor thing – anus quite wrecked
he hit forty so prostate got checked
turned out loved it so much
craved it poked, drilled and touched
far more pleasure that one might expect
You should be shocked at all of these and roll your eyes and tut. If you dont then you are part of the problem 😉
Just a few thoughts on everyone’s favourite tangerine molester.
A fellow called Donald, well travelled
Took to twitter as shit it unravelled
Makes no sense, spewing rage
His brains gone, it’s his age
Leaves us wondering, sad and quite baffled
Shall we have another?
There once was a Potus, Don T
Who its rumoured has showered in pee
Let it run down his back
Twixt his legs, through his crack
Hence the tone of his skin don’t you see?
Happy Monday!
Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.
Heard your suffering, and poorly my friend
How I hope that you’ll be on the mend
pretty soon feeling fine
itll heal up in time
told you never to pierce your bell end
Photo courtesy of pixabay
I feel like I should be throwing rocks at something but all I muster is a bloody limerick
Wicked Donald presides from his perch
Leaves his country alas in the lurch
Muslims, gays, blacks will feel
Twitter wrath, don’t you kneel
But its fine if you gun down a church
Should you like young kids like his pal Ron
Fill your boots cos he says that’s not wrong
and hell grab your wife’s V
cos he likes it you see
and he’ll have Ivanka’s before long
Then his wall he will build and what’s more
Taking health care away from the poor
The right wing he’ll embrace
And he sees no disgrace
giving tax breaks to friends all the more
So fake news will not slow his progress
As America sinks but I guess
the whole world cannot cry
cos we idly stand by
But that’s life, well done us, what a mess
Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.
I heard you’re quite bloated today
And you stomach’s all growly you say
Just give in, let it out
Unleash hell have no doubt
You’ll feel better quite soon, fart away
Ha that picture with this poem made me chuckle. There must be a fetish haiku in it surely…
photo courtesy of pixabay
Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?
This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.
You got whiplash? Oh dear that’s a shame
Though I hope that you know who’s to blame
Cos you’re sure to cash in
And you’ll most likely win
When you call up and submit your claim
photo courtesy of pixabay
Afterwards 