Tag: silly

It’s Wednesday here so guess what…

No not that, a limerick. The picture in the header gives it away really. Let’s do some more ‘Get Well Soon’ ones.

 

Oh alas you poor dear heard it’s bad

and the pain’s quite intense and you’re sad

still a lesson you learned

when you pee’d and it burned

next time use protection you daft lad

And yet another limerick. Who’d have thought eh?

Happy Tuesday!

A Fat fellow of girth quite unique

out of breath when he walked, couldn’t speak

So he cut down on Lard

trained incredibly hard

Fell down dead, heart attack, in first week.

 

What?  You thought it would have a happy ending? Ha!

 

Worse things happen at sea

I’m just kidding. Honest.

There’s a saying that runs in our family, coming from fishing stock as I do, and it goes something along the lines of “Worse things happen at sea.”  It’s pretty patronising and somewhat dismissive and gets trotted out most often when you bemoan a situation that the other person couldn’t give a monkey’s chuff about.

“Mom I’ve banged my knee…”

“Oh it’s just a scratch, worse things happen at sea son.”

with me?

 

Thing is there comes a point though when through indifference and old age I am finding it becoming my standard response to even more serious situations and it has me thinking that perhaps things really were quite terrible at sea and granddad was a quiet man not because of all the time he spent out on the water but because of all the awful things that must have befallen him.

Should my kids want sympathy then you know, I want to see a leg dangling limp with bone sticking through the skin because I am pretty sure something worse happened to granddad Tom at sea and it probably involved biting down hard on something and crying for his dead mother.

Should they be feeling a little blue then I find myself resisting a fatherly hug but instead insisting that it is considerably more taxing out on the waves and that they should pull themselves together, pack their bags and stop crying over being put up for adoption because it is just a waste of good tears and they should keep them for the orphanage because they’re going to need them.

I know it may seem harsh but I tell you, they just don’t make them like those salty sea dogs do they.

Spasmodic Juice

Jillfax shuddered as Vor caressed his brunther with her blood red claws, his trill turning a vibrant shade of purple and his moistening mandalor quivering with delight.

This is in response to M’s prompts. Today it was ‘Spasmodic Juice’

Jillfax shuddered as Vor caressed his brunther with her blood red claws, his trill turning a vibrant shade of purple and his moistening mandalor quivering with delight.

Running her rough tongue the length of his thrombus, she placed a talon inside the entrance to his bare gaping bartex.   He gasped as she moved her claw in a clockwise direction, her full green lips revealing two rows of sharp white teeth in her warm wet mouth before pulling it out and licking the oozing fripple from it hungrily.

“Oh sweet snarx” Jillfax groaned as she wrapped her claws tight around his throat and pushed her body against him, her scales bristling with desire.  “Don’t stop…”

Her face mere millimetres from his she hissed in pleasure as her grampus began to swell and both of her zizz throbbed alternating greens and yellows.

“Do it” she urged him, “you know you want to.”

Jillfax rose to his full height, his thrombus now fully wet and glistening in the low light of the lair.  He took it in his hand, running it between his claws.  Vor looked up at him in desperation, her flictus now dripping and her scales in a full purple flush.

“Do it now” she begged rubbing her grampus frantically against her splosh as a sweet syrup leaked from her zizz and ran down her stomach, pooling in the creases of her charnock.

Jillfax took her by the hand and pulled her to her feet, spinning her around and forcing her to bend before him.  Vor looked back at him, her eye wide and her body shaking with pleasure.

“Do me like one of your earth girls” she begged.

 

Footprints – #writephoto

A revisiting of sorts

In response to Sue’s photo prompt.

“Hey Boss, have you seen what Mary’s been writing?”

“That footprints in the sand woman?”

“Yeah her”.  Jonah scratched his head and laughed.  “Did you have anything to do with it?  I know what you’re like, whispering in their ears like you care”

“Look, I never asked to get stuck on this planet ok, I never asked to be immortal and I certainly never asked to be anyone’s lord and saviour. He continued, quite vexed, “2500 years I’ve been here. I get bored.  Not once have those upstairs even bothered to so much as pop in and say ‘Good Job’ or  read one of my reports, I’m sorry”

“What did you do?”

“Ok so I popped into her dream and I gave it all that ‘I was carrying you ‘ business.  I also gave her cancer.”

“Boss, you’re such a dick.”

Looking for Love

I’ve been here for some time now, and let me just say I am a big BIG fan of you earth girls. 

 

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Name: Darren
Age: 43 Terran years 
Relationship Status: It’s complicated
Pedal:Bi

I’ve been here for some time now, and let me just say I am a big BIG fan of you earth girls.  With the relaxation of the cross species breeding regulations I am looking to find someone who shares similar passions to mine.

I love musical theatre and long walks on the beach and despite all that nasty death ray business am really an old romantic at heart.   I adore late 18th century french poetry and I love to cook, and when it comes to wine have a great collection of Chilean reds which are just so fruity and a real treat.

When I’m not in the kitchen, immersed in Oklahoma! or enjoying the outdoors you’re sure to find me in the bedroom and if you’re a fan of probing then believe me, I am your guy.  With Calgarian College of Probing certificates in Entry and Exit Studies, Intermediate Intestinal Investigations and advanced Rectal Ruminations I am sure to delight you in every way possible.

If probing leaves you feeling a little violated then dont let that put you off, I have a ten inch throbulus and with a little yoga and a cheeky sense of adventure I am sure we could make it magical.

So if you’re looking for something a little different how about you swipe right, and let’s hook up and see whether I can make you see stars.

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In response to M’s prompt, ‘Meet you later by the flux capacitor.

The Soldier Part 2

A thing where I only write every second piece

A.P. (I am sure he has a name but for the purposes of this we shall go with A.P.) asked me if I fancied some sort of collaboration thing when he writes a piece then I follow.

I was asked to do this before and I wanted to and then I realised I have less time than I would like to really make an effort so I didn’t do it.  Nothing has changed but this time I said yes and so A.P. goes and makes a quite eloquent and intriguing post and I figured I better get it done as it would be frightfully rude not to so I seem to have written the follow up piece below.

There weren’t really any rules other than he does a piece then I do.

Oh well this is what I managed today between going to the tip, taking the boys to rugby, making dinner and then watching a film…

This is Part 1

The King sat and waited with a patience that he seldom enjoyed.  Things in the palace were often so frightfully dull and for once there was cause for some excitement.

“Is it done” he asked as Bentwhistle laboured back through the room, the guards following closely behind.  It wasn’t every day your sworn enemy met his doom so it was something to be savoured.

“Yes my Lord, he is banished.” Bentwhistle replied bowing ever so slightly and wringing his hands.  “He will trouble you no more your majesty.”  As much as he was a fool he was also still the King, and if he was to maintain any sway over the kingdom he needed to ensure that he kept his ear and protected his position.

The King’s face brightened measurably.  “Oh that is good” he said clapping his hands like a young child.  “So very good indeed, he really was quite the trouble maker you know.  He did have me worried Bentwhistle, most troubled for sure.”

“He shall trouble you no more my liege, from this day forth he will know only the pain of an existence beyond this plain and for eternity the separation that a traitor deserves.”  Bentwhistle smiled as he said this showing off blackened teeth in his dark red mouth.  “

“And there’s no way back you say?” The King asked, still somewhat wary of anything that would challenge his throne.  “Mother would not be happy if he was to return, you know how she is.”

“He is gone my Lord, there is no return from the Beyond.”

“Oh how excellent, Mother will be most pleased.” He said excitedly, his overly large head wobbling on a neck that seemed to struggle to keep the body and the head connected in anything other than a haphazard fashion.

The King reached for his cup.  “A toast” he shouted loudly raising his cup into the air, wine sloshing from it onto the bounty of food laid out before him.  The gathered court sat at long tables before him raised their glasses as they stood to their feet.

“To me” the King cried with great excitement and it echoed back.

“To King Luther” the court cried with little excitement over the banishment but considerably more gusto given the wine was now likely to flow all night.  They raised their cups to the king and drank deep.

As the gathered dignitaries and officials tucked into the feast before them Bentwhistle backed slowly away from the king and slipped away through a side door behind the dais upon which the throne sat.  There were things to be arranged and with everyone otherwise engaged this was the perfect opportunity.

A twinge of fate – March Prompts 25/31

A brief meander

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.

I’m not a believer in predestination, but I know people are, and that’s great.  In fact, I am not a believer in much other than what I can see or what can be proven.

I used to believe in all sorts of stuff, but no more.  I gave that lark up a few years ago and whilst I’m still working on parts of what I believe I find that mostly, beyond that which can be proven, I think we’re a huge stroke of luck and in this mind mindbogglingly large universe we are very much a ripple in a vast ocean of  chance.

Now I know I should probably have a better answer than that but you know what, I don’t.  A friend of mine insists we are here for a good time not a long time and I like that.  I am not talking pure hedonistic pleasures, simply the pursuit of that which makes you happy.

I reckon that when we’re dead we are simply no more and whatever energy courses through us is released when we are disposed of in which ever way we might choose.

I know it is simple and that lots of people have compelling arguments to the contrary but I don’t really care because I have found a peace that I never had at any other point in my life and I’m rather happy with that.

 

 

 

Dribbles of delight – March Prompts 24/31

Not at all about ejaculation. Honest.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.

 

There are times when a prompt will pop up ad I simply think to myself “No Michael, you know how this is going to turn out so just stop right there.”

I don’t have a particularly filthy mind, but I do like to say what I think.  I take a degree of pride in pushing boundaries, testing sensibilities and poking things that should not be poked.  I do however do my best to do so with a degree of humour and a modicum of taste.

I shall therefore leave this one be and just move along quietly because I do still have a certain amount of self control.

Just to be clear in case you were wondering though, it was going to be a toss up between a poem about a chap with an extreme case of premature ejaculation or a woman who discovers the joys of female ejaculation for the first time.

Problem was, for the latter at least, I would have needed to do some research and the wife and kids use my laptop quite regularly so I really did not fancy having to explain the content of my browser to either.

It’s a pity really because lush, rush and gush all rhyme quite wonderfully and you know I would have loved the opportunity to explain that “With shock and surprise, it flew into his eyes, and he screamed “help I think I’ve gone blind!”

But I won’t, because I am better than that…

Nonsensical Hodgepodge – March Prompts 23/31

Curtain twitchers beware

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.

Squirty McWhirty was really quite dirty

And Rodger her husband quite plain

He would dream of steam trains

They would fill up his brain

Whilst his wife quite love filth, kink and pain

 

Next door lived the Cooks she was obsessed with books

While her fella was quite into Cars

And they seemed quite at peace

The plain folk on the street

Though he also quite loved wearing bras

 

Down at house 22 there was Mr Rabu

Who’s wife disappeared last May

He said she was in Spain

But go check out the drain

You’ll find parts still not quite washed away

 

And they all quite suspect that there’s likely a sect

Who reside at the house near the park

Theres odd comings and goings

Nasty toings and froings

And oft candles and screams in the dark

 

Then there’s Darren and Paul who both work at the Mall

Vegans both, own a really nice home

But when push comes to shove

You know they’re so in love

Don’t like meat but they sure love the bone

 

A quite curious lot I assume that you’ve got

A good feel for the folk on this street

But don’t judge please be kind

We’re all different you’ll find

Smile and nod if you ever do meet

Sniffles and Snuffles – March Prompts 22/31

Vegetarians may object. The carnivores may not.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.

Sniffles and snuffles

fat pigs that love truffles

And turnips and carrots and swedes

They’ll eat slops and scoff bread

Cabbage both green and red

And leftovers and all that you leave

 

They think wow what a life

With this farmer and wife

As they roll in the mud oh such bliss

Every day they grow fat

What is better that that

They insist what a great life is this

 

Then one day Truffles aint there

Snuffles, nose in the air

Does despair but’s distracted as hell

For aroma divine

Cooking flesh of the swine

Snuffles slavers oh my what a smell…

 

 

Fiddlesticks – March Prompts 21/31

Oh how very horrid.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.

He dances round the subject

of just where he was last night

there is lipstick on his collar

and she hopes that he just might

this time tell her something honest

and perhaps he’ll see the light

but he says was with his mates so she replies

….

Fiddle sticks balderdash and a dose of nincompoop

Piles of twaddle loads of tosh and a massive load of bollocks

So much gubbins endless waffle and a steaming pile of nonsense

Pointless drivel stupid dribble and a total crock of shite