Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.



A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked


Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.



A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.


I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here.  I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him.  Maybe it was that.  It dd not last if you’re wondering.


Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way


Carl is foolish.  Do not be like Carl.  I’ll give you one more shall I.  4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.



Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched



Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

Farmer and Dog

A heavy farmhouse door opened and farmer, the girl with the fat bottom and dog stepped out into the crisp morning air.

Dawn scratched at the edges of night across the far off hill tops setting the darkness on fire.  A heavy farmhouse door opened and farmer, the girl with the fat bottom and dog stepped out into the crisp morning air.  A light blanket of snow had fallen and it crunched beneath their feet as they walked.

He did not much care for the fat bottomed girl, she was prone top anger and tantrums and never gave him scraps from the table.  He did love the snow though and leapt to catch a flake as it drifted through the still air.

Farmer laughed heartily.  “Looks like a lovely day girl” Said Farmer to dog ,ruffling the hair on her head as she trotted along side him.  He was a broad shouldered ruddy faced man with large hands, a round tummy and a thick shock of red hair atop his head.

The girl with the fat bottom complained bitterly about being out of bed so very early.  “Why do I need to do this” she complained as they crunched through the snow.  “I fetch the eggs each morning and help with the milking, can someone else not do it?  It is so very cold.”

“Hush Ruby” said the farmer looking sternly at her “He’s your horse, you need to do this thank you very much”.  The fat bottomed girl did not respond, but dog knew too well to stay out of her way.

“A good Morning to you” said Dog to the cows as the passed the shed.

“A good morning to you dog” the cows answered in unison, tails swishing “we are quite ready to be milked.”

But they weren’t heading out to milk, so dog trotted on, bristling around the farmers legs excitedly.  He did so enjoy being up and about so early in the morning.

As they continued they passed the chicken hutch.  “Good morning dog” said hen, pecking and scratching in the dirt between the small collections of snow.  “have you brought us our breakfast?”

They had not, and dog greeted Hen and trotted on alongside the farmer.

“We’re okay for now girls” Dog heard hen call out as they crossed to the far side of the farm yard.

Farmer and the fat bottomed girl approached the fence and farmer reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.  With an outstretched arm he offered it up to horse as he wandered across.

“Morning horse” said dog excitedly “lovely day isn’t it”

Horse paused before he answered.  “Do you know what the fat bottomed girl has been doing to the chickens?” horse asked slowly as he ambled across.

“I do not” said dog feeling confused.

“Hmm” replied horse gobbling up the apple, “not good” he munched, “not good at all.”

The farmer opened the gate and the fat bottom girl walked inside.  “Now don’t take too long” he said to her pulling his coat tight around himself to keep out the chill.  “Bring her up to the house and we will get her ready, the farrier will be here in a short while. ”

“What did she do?” Dog asked as the farmer opened the gate wider.

Horse did not answer…

Want to know what happens next?  I wrote the piece below a while back, thought it might fit nicely and create a more complete story line.

One Word Photo Challenge: Horse

Want to read more of my stuff?


Photo courtesy of eskimokettu @ pixabay


Screw you haiku – Volume 5

Just a few haiku, but no t so serious…


Dream guy, takes him home

so magnetic and charming

turns out hes married


Passion overwhelms

the neighbours call the police

curtains were open


married ten years

what happened to romance.  She:

close the bathroom door!


Chinese for dinner

kung po pork or king prawn foo?

all tastes same to me


I hate you haiku

syllables, five seven five

screw you I’m doing six


Day one of diet

Went for a massive curry

ill start tomorrow




want something different?

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Faeries: The long winter

Armitage – Part 1

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?

A fellow alas premature

in his loving, his wife quite demure

Said “I need you to last

and not be so damn fast

cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure


A woman got picked up and drugged

and a fellow got beaten and mugged

but I said to the wife

at least we’ve a good life

she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.


Chap in charge of the choir last spring

said he just loves to make the boys sing

“Do it harder and faster!”

said the old choir master

you really do have a nice ring



A fellow joined up and no doubt

true patriot so he shipped out

Lost his legs to a mine

had some made now he’s fine

and he always gets parked when hes out



A cheating wife knocked up oh dear

Told her hub she was faithful all year

But the couple are white

and the kid black as night

so he left her for chicks, meat and beer



Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.





Faeries: The long winter

Kostromo stirred beneath the cold earth, it’s weight heavy on her chest and her bones gripped by the icy fingers of winter.  

I’m mostly just exploring an idea here but thought I would share it.  I found a quite fabulous photograph and wondered what I might make of it.  I haven’t planned this out particularly – maybe I should – but I wanted to just see what might come of it if I just sat down and started to write.  If I can get this thought out then perhaps I can take it from there…


Kostromo stirred beneath the cold earth, it’s weight heavy on her chest and her bones gripped by the icy fingers of winter.  Opening her eyes slowly she could see only darkness and the crisp smell of winter filled her nostrils as she stirred and struggled beneath the rich dark soil.

Everything felt wrong, surely it was too early to be awake if the ground remained cold.

Her breathing quickened as she pushed to free herself, heart pounding and fingers clawing instinctively.   The earth relented unwillingly and she stretched out an arm and felt a thick tree root between her fingers.  It was oak, old oak, and she could feel so many summers coursing through it but yet it slept, silent and cold.

With all of her will she strained, but with so little strength she could not free herself from the darkness.  She called out to the oak, confused and desperate.

“Oak, awake from your slumber”

She felt him stir, but he did not reply.

She gripped the root more tightly “Old oak, hear me” she continued “hear my voice and shed your icy slumber.”

Oak stirred again, and she could suddenly feel his life in the earth all around her and it felt good.  She felt more alive, less cold.

“Who calls to me?” Oak said slowly, his voice deep and rich “who wakes me from my sleep?”

“Do you no longer know my voice old friend, have you slept so deeply?” she replied.

“Friend?” Oak said, recognising her voice  “we no longer call you friend Kostromo, it is too many years since we trees have felt your touch.”

Kostromo gripped his root tightly, and she could sense a deep pain.  “I do not understand dear friend” she replied “It is still winter, it is my time to sleep.”

“For a season only Kostromo ” he responded angrily, “for a season only you were supposed to sleep but you did not return to us, and the wood has long suffered under the spell of too many winters.”

She was confused but continued.  “My friend, I am so sorry” she said “I do not know why I have slept so long, but I am awake now, I have returned to you.”

Oak paused before responding, the anger now gone from his voice leaving only sadness.

“For many it is too late faerie, many of our kind who once inhabited this wood have passed into nothing so long have they slept.  Birch and Beech and Sycamore have long returned to the earth in which you now lie.”

As they continued to talk Kostromo felt Oak’s life force flowing through her, warming her and giving her strength.

“I need you to help free me Oak” she said “I am no use trapped in the earth, will you not help me?”

“Because we were once friends I will help you” he said, his giant roots beginning to move ever so slowly shifting and loosening the cold earth around her.  With a snap and crack of ice they wrapped around her and began slowly pulling her upwards.  Slivers of light began to appear around her as she neared the surface, the weight on her chest now gone.

Oak heaved her from the ground and lay her gently on the cold snow in front of him.  She could feel the sharp cold on her skin, and opened her eyes slowly, squinting as they grew accustomed to the light.

“Indeed it is you” Oak said, his tone now warm and soft “it has been too long old friend, too long indeed.”

Want other different stuff?

something terrible happens in this one

In this one there is a girl in the rain

and this might make you laugh but maybe you wont admit it

oh and this one i am rather proud of

My 100th Post

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post.

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post.  I had envisaged that it would be something special but mostly it is a reflection of my experience to date trying my hand at writing.  With the exception of the last week, being on holiday as I was and deciding not to write, I have had an absolute blast churning out whatever springs to mind.

I have not given any of it too much thought really, and seldom have I edited anything preferring instead to enjoy the pleasure of getting ideas out there and finding out what I enjoyed doing most.  Along the way it seems some people have enjoyed some of what I have done which I will admit has been hugely encouraging.  I am still unsure of what I really prefer writing so will continue to dabble until I decide what to focus on next.

Finding time to write has on occasion proven difficult but generally I manage to grab an hour or two at night and will type through my lunch at work if I am feeling really excited about an idea.  I am looking at trying to establish a better writing routine as my desire to write ludicrous haiku is now to blame for the amount of time it has taken to paint the hall.

When I started I would simply sit down and type, but of late I’ve started keeping a little leather bound book with me to jot down ideas and explore thoughts which has proven particularly useful.

On occasion my phone will beep away as people read and comment on my posts.  I haven’t paid too much attention to the numbers, but checking today I can see that I have generated more than 3200 views from 1040 visitors and 1330 likes.   Readers from 68 countries have taken a peek at what I have been doing which I thought was pretty cool.   I seem to have about 150 followers too but that includes about 10 from twitter where I publish things to but I don’t really understand twitter very well so really must take a look at that at some point.

WordPress has certainly lead me to reading a lot more too, with so many people to follow I’ve never been short of ways to pass the time and there are some fabulous writers out there which have given me inspiration.  I have also loved participating in a load of the challenges out there, and in July I did the Daily Prompt every single day which I find a real catalyst.  Each day I also try and respond to one of a number of challenges by other writers as they have given me great ideas too.  Ill be listing those out in a future post!

So what will be the next 100 be on I ask myself?  I’ve no idea though have a few ideas that I want to flesh out to try and do something more substantial whilst also continuing with the silly things like my limericks and haiku which I do so enjoy.

So, whether you’ve been part of my inspiration as a write or a reader, thanks so very much, I’m looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me next!






Colleen’s Weekly Poetry Challenge #47: Shadow & Light

Be wary of strangers on the internet, just saying…

The rules of this challenge are pretty simple, create a Haiku, a Tanka or a Haibun on the subjects of Shadow and Light.  I  try these each week, let’s see how this week’s efforts turn out shall we.  I’m going to try be serious, honest.  I know they’re meant to be about nature and such but I do like to use them to try and tell a shortened story too.

Ill start with a haiku…


He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man


Hmm…not sure where that came from? Maybe some more detail added through the medium of a Tanka, pretty much a haiku with extra lines expressing my feelings on the first 5 lines.  But I don’t think its strictly a rule.


He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man

A Nigerian you say?

Cannot get his money back 


Ok, so as a story it’s evolving., I am not allowing myself the luxury of a rewrite, I’ll see where it all goes in the Haibun.  Never done one of these before and it’s late so might play loose with the rules a bit.


The endless click of the keyboard, day and night, reaching out with twinkling eyes and sweet smile.  Lonely hearts embraced and dreams force fed foul lies and rancid hope. Offers of that which is lost, never had or which remained unknown are his to freely give and without compassion he loves and lusts and smiles at family photos and brushes his hair from his face and tells you how shy she is.  A first thought with the sun, and good nights murmured into salty pillows bookend the time apart and the minutes until they will be together at last.  They are lines he has used many times over, but well worn and trusted they pull at heart strings and ignite passions satisfied in the night.

He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man

A Nigerian you say?

Cannot get his money back 

Cold beers, new clothes and food on the table, you are a good boy – you make your mother proud.  Each day is full of promise, each night opportunity presents itself ripe and ready to be plucked and devoured with sweet juice covered chins laughing.  Flights are costly, but can you put a price on love.


Well that all turned out a bit weird didn’t it.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Bed time!

There are some previous efforts here

Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 45 – #Tanka: Honey and Wine

Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 44 – #Haiku: HUNT & FIND

Screw you haiku Vol 4

A day out in the lakes

The 35 Minute ride across the lake provides some rather lovely views of unspoiled coastlines and magnificent houses which you will never be able to afford…

I have only once ever before tried my hand at sharing something one might class at travel, which you can read here.  it is not my strong point, so in the interest of self improvement here’s a little something else covering a recent trip with the family to the lakes.

Departing Lakeside on a grey yet pleasant day in the English Lake District we boarded the Tern, built in 1891, and headed out across Lake Windermere for the town of Bowness where we hoped to take in the World of Beatrix Potter exhibit and feed some ducks maybe.



The children were quick to confirm that the Tern does not in fact have on board WiFi and that in the middle of the lakes there is  little or no 4G connection which is apparently ridiculous, stupid and completely backwards and likely to ruin your a previously rather pleasant morning.




The 35 Minute ride across the lake provides some rather lovely views of unspoiled coastlines and magnificent houses which you will never be able to afford and that may leave you feeling just a little dissatisfied with your lot in life.  On the upside, the boat had clean toilets and a bar, which was nice.



The view from the stern of the boat offered fantastic views across the tranquil waters and also kept us away from the family who seemed set on allowing their screaming child to spoil said tranquillity with his monstrous howling inside the covered decks.



Historical and picturesque Bowness greets it’s visitors with a typically English understatedness and an array of row boats lined up which you can apparently rent but that most folk just take photos of because they have their good walking shoes on and don’t want to get wet.



A short walk through Bowness will bring you to the rather lovely Beatrix Potter attraction where you can enjoy an interactive 40 minutes with the wonderful characters of her books whilst liberal hippy looking types ram into the back of your legs with their prams and children named Sebastian and Bella run wild whilst their floppy haired father sips on his Starbucks and celebrates his children’s uniqueness.





What better way to pass time waiting for the boat back than a quick tootle on the land train.  This was made extra special by the chap who seemed more content on playing candy crush and wishing for a different life that preventing his kids from hanging out of the carriage windows.


Throw in a packed lunch and a spot of shopping and It was back on the boat headed back to Lakeland for a quite magnificent afternoon tea.  With magnificent waters edge views, sumptuous clotted cream and damson jam and the lightest of scones it was a quite perfect end to the day.  It was also perfectly overpriced, just enough to keep the riff-raff out.

A perfect end to a lovely day.


here’s a few more photos if you’re still reading 🙂





Haiku Horizons prompt: “Taste”

A haiku challenge on the matter of “taste”

A few scribbles in response to the haiku challenge found at the link below.

Fighting with the wife

Me: “You’ve awful taste ! She:

“Yeah I married you!”

Lets try another…

Just a tiny taste

Maybe just one more mouth full 

whole cake devoured

And one last one

First stolen kisses

The taste of her lips on mine

Oh god a smoker


Fancy More?

Pesky butterflies – Weekly Weather Challenge: Hurricane

Badger and Fox

Ichabod the first

An open letter from the killer clown community

In a world where diversity across society is ever increasingly celebrated there remain places where prejudice and hatred still run free.

This is a bit of a stream of conscious Saturday effort, which requires me to simply (with minimal editing) write.  This one went much better than last week and is pretty much unedited.  I would have liked to redo it as I like the idea but it is what it is.

Details can be found here if you fancy having a go:

Dear world

In a world where diversity across society is ever increasingly celebrated there remain places where prejudice and hatred still run free.  For every minority welcomed into inclusive arms there are those who day to day must face the very real darkness that lies in the hearts of men.  It is on behalf of one of those most marginalised segments of modern society that I write.

While the LGBTQ population blaze a glittering trail and celebrate their diversity and individuality we are forced to remain hidden under your beds, our history and heritage now long forgotten and all that remains of the joy we once brought is fear.

You have forgotten us, and more than that you have allowed our memory to be twisted until all that remains are your own inner fears and inhibitions which you project onto us.

In sports and entertainment those that are differently able are now held aloft as a symbol of our more progressive ways yet we must hide our difference and we are forced to lurk in the dark recesses of your closets for fear of discovery.

We deserve better for once we were the better part of you, we ewre your joy and your escape and your light in the darkness.  Now, I fear we have become your darkness and we must now arm ourselves to protect all that remains of our once proud people.

My heart’s desire is that once again you will embrace us and allow us to help you regain your innocence.  We are tired of living in the sewers and the garden sheds.  We wish to be released from the shackles of your childhood nightmares and to again bring joy to the faces of small children.

We ask of you to no longer exclude us but to open your arms and embrace our kind, free us from our solitary existence be ask for we are born of you and and deserve better.

Yours Sincerely

Killer Clowns

Fancy More?

Pesky butterflies – Weekly Weather Challenge: Hurricane

Badger and Fox

Ichabod the first






Photo courtesy of RyanMcGuire @ pixabay

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Drawn to Sparrow’s not too distant chirps, snake slithered from his hole under the old oak, the summer sun warm on his scales.

Drawn to Sparrow’s not too distant chirps, snake slithered from his hole under the old oak, the summer sun warm on his scales.  “Sounds like trouble” he hissed to himself as he made his way through the meadow, the scent of wild flowers thick in the air.  “I do so enjoy the sound of distress.”

Through the long grass he wound his way alongside a trickling brook to a small thicket of trees where he came upon sparrow, sat on the ground at the foot of a broad, gnarled sycamore.   “Help me! Help Me!” she chirped.

“Oh sparrow” said snake, his little pink tongue flicking out as he spoke “whatever could be wrong that you would cause such a commotion?”

“It’s my egg” Sparrow said, most upset.  “It’s fallen out of the nest.”

Snake slithered a little closer “An egg you say?”  Snake did enjoy a good egg, they were quite delicious and sparrow eggs were a particular favourite of his.  “May I see your egg, sparrow?” He asked, moving closer still.

Sparrow did not trust snake one bit, and she most certainly did not like the sparkle his eyes as he approached her, his head swaying slowly from side to side.  “HELP” chirped sparrow loudly, spreading her wings over her egg “HELP, HELP!”

“Oh sparrow” said snake, his coils beginning to draw a circle around sparrow as she protected her egg, “you really should not fuss so, I only want a little peek.”

Sparrow reared up, wings flapping frantically. “No!” she chirped loudly, “Leave my egg alone you horrid snake.”

Snake eyed the small blue and brown speckled egg “Oh sparrow” he smiled hungrily “this is no time for name calling, I only want to take a little look.”

“You will eat it snake” sparrow replied “you’re a snake, and snakes eat eggs.  Every animal knows that.”

Snake inched closer and closer still.  “Dear sparrow, if that is my nature then surely you cannot blame me for wanting just a little look ” he replied.

Snake’s coils now completely encircled sparrow, and high up in the branches of the sycamore a chorus of frantic other chirps and cheeps joined those of sparrow.

“I ask only for a little look” Snake hissed and lunched forwards.  Sparrow Flapped frantically “Flee snake flee” she shouted “leave my egg be!”

Snake was now so close to sparrow’s egg she could almost taste it.  He lunged again with a hiss, tongue flicking out.  Sparrow flapped to avoid snake’s hungry mouth leaving the egg in full view of snake.

Snake was about to wrap his coils around the egg when there was a mighty rush of wind and a beating of wings, and in an instant large talons swept down and whisked him clean off the ground and into the air.  The birds in the trees chirped even more loudly.

Sparrow looked skywards as she settled back on the ground next to her egg to see the large silhouette of owl already disappearing into the distance with snake clutched firmly between her talons.

The birds in the sycamore chirped with delight.  “It’s Owl” they cried, “Owl has saved the day!”

A calm descended, sparrow remained with her egg and eventually owl returned, gliding silently through the green canopy of the wood and settling next to sparrow on the ground.

“Oh thank you owl!” said Sparrow gratefully, “whatever would I have done had you not rescued my egg.”

Owl blinked slowly, and quite gently picked up the egg.

“It is my pleasure” she said “but you really need to be more careful with your eggs.”

“I will owl, surely I will ” sparrow replied.

“Jolly good, jolly good” Owl continued, “now let’s get this egg back in your nest shall we, all this fuss does make one ever so tired and I would rather like to take a nap.”

Fancy something else?

Badger and Fox

Mouse and Sparrow


Written in response to Sue Vincent’s write photo challenge




Photo courtesy of winterseitler @ pixabay


More limericks about sad things

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…


I fellow I know, a romancer

lovely wife, healthy kids and great dancer

had it all so he thought

but it all came to nought

when he died really young of brain cancer

These Twins at birth were separated

who later in life met and dated

they had kids, sad to say

hip conjoined by the way

now in freak show they’re quite celebrated

“You’re adopted” says father to son

“and I’ve just had a chat to your mum

It’s just not working out

we don’t want you about

this parenting lark’s just no fun.”


Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun


Screw you haiku Vol 4

Crude, infantile and fun to write.  Gotta be better than what’s going on in the world right?

Crude, infantile and fun to write.  Gotta be better than what’s going on in the world right?

Cannibals in love

“How do you feel about kids?”

“can’t eat a whole one”

First day of diet

Accidental carrot cake

I’ll start tomorrow

Spicy curry night

poppadoms and spicy dip

explosive repeats

miles from a toilet

buttocks clenched eyes watering

oh look a turtle!

having a fiddle

mood gone, discovered a lump

testicle lopped off

Want to read more of my stuff?  It’s not all like that promise…

A story about a girl

Some sci fi

and something for the kids


Pesky butterflies – Weekly Weather Challenge: Hurricane

Now I have heard it said that if a butterfly flaps its wings in my back garden it can cause a hurricane in the Philippines or Singapore or somewhere equally warm and exotic…

Now I have heard it said that if a butterfly flaps its wings in my back garden it can cause a hurricane in the Philippines or Singapore or somewhere equally warm and exotic,

Not wanting to appear ignorant I looked up the source of the saying, and from what I read it can be attributed to one Edward Lorenz, who I am sure is most learned, and is the basis of a chaos theory hypothesis which speaks to the randomness of outcomes given any number of contributing factors.

That is about as far as I got before my ignorance and intolerance of such nonsense got the better of me and I decided that surely it must be complete tosh and it would be most appreciated if people would just stop saying it.

I would like to suggest that Mr Lorenz get outdoors more and get a proper job.  Has he even seen a butterfly?  I can just imagine his lofty minded colleagues patting him on the back and congratulating him on his recent thesis whilst on the inside he is laughing his tits off and wondering how he might get into the head of the English departments knickers.

Okay, now if this is true then surely we need to kill all butterflies.  As beautiful and whimsical as they might seem, they cannot be allowed to run amuck causing severe meteorological events.  That just will not do.

Do butterflies possess some magical storm inducing power?  What about the effect of other winged creatures?  What about bats and eagles?  Could a fly flapping furiously in Egypt cause a light drizzle in Cape Town?  A lot of questions I realise but ones to be answered surely.  Heavens, can high winds in the Sahara be attributed to activities of a small flock of gulls in New York?

Perhaps I am taking it too literally and getting myself vexed over nothing.  I am thinking that I should have continued reading instead of submitting to my ignorance.

There are obviously many things that I do not know, but what I do know that I just went out into the garden with a tea tray and spent a minute wafting it up and down, simulating the force of a thousand angry butterflies.  I do not expect this to have any effect on anything (unless my neighbours saw me then perhaps there may be an awkward aversion of eyes next time we cross paths), but if by chance Manilla is ravaged by monsoons, hurricanes and tidal waves next week then I take it all back.

Frightfully sorry.

Fancy something else?




This Week’s Challenges: August 13 – 19 (OWPC & WW)

The joy of saying stupid things 1.

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.

You know how people just say things?  e all do it and today I think I shall mount my high horse and discuss one of those things people say quite casually that more than likely has its roots in some vague truth but is actually absolute drivel.

Now insist as much as you like, but I do not for one minute believe that laughter is the best medicine.

I am a firm believer that in fact, medicine is the best medicine.

Last year I had kidney stones, and as I lay there wishing for death to take me I can assure you that the last thing I wanted was to be regaled with humorous tales.  What I wanted was drugs, and lots of them.  Ideally I wanted them administered intravenously but I was quite open to the options of those taken orally or as suppositories.

In a near state of collapse as I was I would happily have allowed passing strangers to ram as many fist fulls of whatever took their fancy up my bottom if it came with the promise of even a modicum of relief.

Now I appreciate that there is an argument here on the effects of dopamine on the body, but my counter argument is that were I a syphilis infected crack fuelled man whore on death’s door then I would surely seek respite of an opiate nature in lieu of watching box sets of Black Adder.

Not yet convinced?

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.  Let’s call this man Ebeneezer.  Now Ebeneezer has a son who, due to a most awful set of circumstances, is riddled with aids and malaria.  Sadly he also suffers from malnutrition, his little belly so terribly swollen and his face crawling with flies.  His son is in a rather terrible way and Ebeneezer calls for a doctor, and as it transpires the red cross are in the area and send one over straight away.

“Oh thank you doctor” says Ebeneezer gratefully, “please can you give my beautiful boy medicine to help with the pain?”

Now obviously what Ebeneezer is seeking is something to make his son comfortable, so you can imagine his consternation when he is instead presented with a DVD of the complete works of Monty Python.

“Watch this twice a day” says the doctor “and he will be right as rain in a jiffy.”

I imagine that Ebeneezer was not best pleased, especially given that Ebeneezer does not have a television, let alone a DVD player.


Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun


Haiku Challenge – Hope and Stay

Ronovan’s weekly haiku challenge – Hope and Stay

Let’s start with a haiku or two shall shall we.  The rules do let me play with synonyms which I might explore too.

In my heart you’ll stay

you drift into the darkness

hope of afterlife


seems a bit serious..

walked her home tonight

Invited in for coffee

hope she lets me stay


another maybe


husband caught, hope lost

empty promises to change

if you let him stay


All very serious…maybe a Tanka

See Maurice eating

watch him gorge on cheese in bed

eats cake in the night

Where can he get new trousers

ones with the elastic waist


Hmmm….not really feeling it. 


These ones we kind of funny if you fancy more

Badger and Fox

Badger appeared slowly from his set.  Sniffing the fresh morning air he had a rather pleasant and leisurely scratch and considered the day ahead.

In response to the daily prompt word:Amble

Badger appeared slowly from his set.  Sniffing the fresh morning air he had a rather pleasant and leisurely scratch and considered the day ahead.

“Worms might be a good start to the day” he mumbled to himself  “or maybe some bugs” he continued “i do rather like bugs.”

As badger decided on whether it would be juicy worms or crunchy bugs there came a familiar voice from the nearby bushes.  “Are you taking to yourself again my old friend?”

Badger knew that voice only too well.   It was fox, and if fox was about this early it could only mean trouble.

“What do you want fox?” Badger asked impatiently, his black and white stripes bristling.  “I was just going to go and have some breakfast.”

“Oh my good badger, no need for such grumpiness” said fox grinning, “it is such a lovely day and that is no way to greet an old friend.”

Badger gave a low growl.  “You are no friend of mine Fox” he said rearign up to his full height “either speak your mind or hold your tongue for I am hungry and wish to have my breakfast.”

Badger had long claws and a short temper when he was hungry, and fox knew too well what happened when you crossed a hungry badger.

“i have a proposition for you” Fox said smiling, “and it is one that you surely will enjoy”

“And what exactly might that be” Badger asked.

“Well you see” Fox continued “I know a place where you will find the juiciest worms.”

“Hmm” said badger.  “i do rather like worms.”

Smiling, Fox continued “all I ask is that you do a little digging for me, and in return you will have the most plump and juicy worms.”

Badger thought for a while.  He did enjoy digging, and he especially enjoyed plump and juicy worms.  “is it far?” he asked.

“Oh no no” Fox replied.  “Not far at all. In fact it is just over the brow of the hill and beyond the large oak tree.”

“That is not far at all” Badger replied.  “And I am yet to have my breakfast.”

“Perfect, just perfect” exclaimed Fox his bushy red tail swishing.  “How about we set off now then?”

With tummy grumbling badger followed Fox up the hill through the long green grass and over the brow and further on past he old oak tree.

After a short while the pair reached a small mound between two great sycamore trees which was covered in meadow flowers.  “Now Badger” Fox said, his eyed wide, If you would just be so kind as to dig through this mound here you will not only be doing me a huge favour but I believe that you will find some of the most plump and juicy worms in the wood.”

“I will?” Badger asked warily “And how do I know you aren’t lying Fox?”

“Oh my good fellow” Fox replied “I have it on very good authority I assure you.”

Badger’s tummy rumbled. “And why exactly am I digging?” he asked.

“It’s a new den for my family” Fox replied “but I have an ache in my paw and find it very hard to dig you see.”

It sounded reasonable badger thought, and with his tummy rumbling he began to dig.

Now badgers are very good at digging, much better than foxes – especially foxes with achy paws and it was not long until Badger had managed to uncover rather a lot of juicy worms, just as fox had promised.  As he chewed a particularly fat and juicy worm he asked fox “is this deep enough?”

“Just a little more” Fox replied.

Badger ate a little more and then dug a little more.  “How about now?”

“Just a little more still ” Fox replied.

“This is rather deep for a fox den” badger remarked slurping up an especially long and wriggly worm.

“it will keep us warm in the winter” Fox replied, his tail swishing back and forth in the morning sun. “okay, stop!” he shouted excitedly “That is just perfect.”

Nibbling on more worms in the freshly dug soil Badger backed slowly out of the hole.

“Splendid job, quite splendid” Fox exclaimed.  “i could surely never have dug so deep.”

“Is that it then?” Badger asked.  “All finished?”

“Oh indeed yes” Fox replied smiling.  “I can do the last bit of digging myself”

Badger turned and began to wander off.  “Thanks for the worms Fox” he shouted back.

Fox didn’t reply, he had already headed down his freshly dug hole and Badger could hear him digging furiously.

Badger ambled slowly back in the direction of the old oak tree, the warm sun spilling through the canopy of the wood in warm pools.

“Good morning Rabbit” said Badger as rabbit raound the old gnarled tree.”

“Goood day Badger” she said hurriedly “Cant stop, can’t stop for I have left my babies alone in the between the two great sycamores!”


Fancy something else?


Photo courtesy of tpsdave@pixabay


One Word Photo Challenge: Hummingbird – Part 1

“Sorry sir” Henderson replied “but we drop out of FTL and go radio silent and now we’re locked in orbit at four times the usual distance instead of heading home.  That’s not protocol.” 

This was written in response to the one word photo challenge which I rather enjoy, and details can be found at the link below.  This week I had to use the word “hummingbird” as inspiration.  It had me thinking of thinking of things of a geostationary nature…

One Word Photo Challenge


In the cold of space, 80000 Miles above the Kazakh steppes the Hummingbird emerged from Faster-Than-Light and Captain Jenkins ordered it be placed into geostationary orbit.  Shortly after a call went out across the ship-com for the vessels four most senior officers to come to the captain’s quarters.

“Gentlemen” Jenkins began, “take a seat please”.

The three men pulled up chairs around the table.  Henderson, the Chief Engineer,  waited for Jenkins to be seated before speaking.

“What’s happened sir?” he asked.

“What makes you think something happened Henderson” the Captain asked sharply.

“Sorry sir” Henderson replied “but we drop out of FTL and go radio silent and now we’re locked in orbit at four times the usual distance instead of heading home.  That’s not protocol.”

Jenkins took a deep breath.  “About 30 minutes ago, on approach to FTL drop out point, I received an encoded fragment of a sub-light notification  warning us to stay away from Earth.  Sub-light then went offline.”  H paused before continuing.  “When we came out of FTL I initiated a comms freeze override and engaged full shielding.”

Coles took off his hat and placed it on the table.  “And we know nothing more Sir?”  He was the eldest of his senior officers and a damned good Chief Navigator and the best Comms officer in the fleet.

Jenkins stood and began to pace, he didn’t think as well when he was sat down.  “Not a thing Charles.  I wanted to brief you all before we start full scans.”

“Sir, if I may” Coles interjected.

“Go ahead.”

“We’re ready to go Sir, we can initiate fulls scans as soon as you give the word.”  he stood as if to leave.

“I need to know if we are visible” Jenkins asked calmly, still pacing.  “I need to ensure that should we take down the shields to run scans we maintain minimal risk of exposure.”

Coles put his hat back on and straightened it.  “Sir, From this distance we are pretty much undetectable with shields up.  We will need to reduce shield strength to half to initiate full diagnostics but even with reduced shields we should be hidden from anything but a targeted scan”

Jenkins stopped pacing.

“Okay, let’s do it.  Initiate full planetary scan.”  he continued, turning to Henderson and Carter, who had sat silently throughout .  “Gentlemen, all hands on deck please.  We have no idea what is going on down there.”

Both men replied in unison standing.  “Yes Sir.”

As the three men headed for the door Jenkins called over to Carter.  “Let’s bring the rail guns online Master Chief” he instructed.  “I don’t want to get caught cold”

“Yes Sir” Carter replied and exited after the others.

Jenkins followed his officers and headed to the bridge.  He wasn’t prone to panic or overreaction, but something felt wrong.  “Officers never run” he told himself as he settled into his chair, three large screens in front of him.

“Coles” he shouted out across the deck,  “drop shields to 50% and initiate full Earth side scans please.  And pinpoint the fleet for me will you.”

“Sir, yes sir” came a prompt reply.

Jenkins waited a few moments before the first results started to be returned.   His screens lit up and a cascade of information began to filter through.

“Jesus Christ” he exclaimed as the information began to pour through.  “Coles, are you getting this?” he shouted.

“I am sir” came Coles’ response.  There was a note in his voice that made Jenkins uneasy.  “I’ve validated outputs and there are no errors.”

“Shields back to 100%” Jenkins ordered sharply.  “Henderson, take us out to 160 thousand miles full speed.”

“Yes Sir!” came a response “One hundred and sixty thousand.  Initiating sub light engines.”

Coles walked across to the captain, his face ashen and spoke quietly “Sir, there are no mistakes – those transponder results are unmistakable – that is the entire fleet in pieces down there with zero signs of life.”


Fancy something similar?  Try this, or this…

Photo courtesy of Stevebidmead @ Pixabay

Not a piece about Dr Who – Honest – Sunday Photo Fiction.

Actually, had Diane Abbott been cast as the Doctor I may actually have taken side with the crazies…

It’s hard to resist anything other than something Dr Who based on this.

I could write about how Tom Baker,  Doctor of my childhood, remains my favourite though I will not because those memories seem far off these days.

I could also write about the ludicrous furore over the recently announced Doctor having a vagina.  The fact that he has two hearts and travels through time seems far more palatable to many than the idea of someone with a uterus holding the keys to the T.A.R.D.I.S.

God forbid it had been a black woman, can you imagine the outcry.  Trump and Brexit we can handle but surely not that.

Actually, had Diane Abbott been cast as the Doctor I may actually have taken side with the crazies.  Her vagina is not something on which I wish to dwell.  Jeremy Corbyn may however wish to differ.

I could also write about the shambles that was Christopher Ecclestone but the less said about that the better.  Tosser.

Instead of writing I will just enjoy the memories I have of one of the greatest creative works to come out of this country and wait for next week’s challenge.

195 Words


FFfAW Challenge – A steaming mug of dark and silky goodness

“No, I am not drinking that!” Gordon insisted, forcefully pushing Colin’s arm away and turning his head in disgust.

The challenge was to write about the picture above in anywhere from 75 to 175 words.

“No, I am not drinking that!” Gordon insisted, forcefully pushing Colin’s arm away and turning his head in disgust.

Howling with laughter he offered the cup again.  “Come on mate” he slurred, taking a drink from the beer in his other hand,  “It’s chocolate honest!”

Gordon gagged as it was again shoved in his face.  “Oh god get that away from me!” he demanded “I don’t care how drunk I am I’m not touching it!”

Colin drank more beer.

“And how the hell did a man of your size even get that in the cup?” Gordon continued most vexed but not really wanting to know.  “you better not have made a mess in there we’ve just had it decorated and the wife will bloody kill me!”

Barely able to contain himself Colin lifted the mug to his lips.  “Okay if you won’t then I will…“

“Nooooo!” Gordon screamed.

“Ooh lovely” Colin said, licking his lips and offering it again grinning. “What did you think it was?”

“You’re such a dick” Gordon replied opening another beer.

175 words

Fancy something else?



Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 45 – #Tanka: Honey and Wine

The challenge was to write a Tanka (effectively a haiku with two additional 7 lines tagged on) and include the words “Honey” and “Wine”.


The challenge was to write a Tanka (effectively a haiku with two additional 7 lines tagged on) and include the words “Honey” and “Wine”.  I think the first 3 are meant to set the scene and the next two express how I feel about it.  Not really cracked that bit yet…

I found this one rather tricky.

Sweet honey goodness

runs slowly into my mouth

No diet today

My inner Pooh bear unleashed

Wine fuelled hunger satisfied

Let’s try another


Wine poured, candles lit

Honey, let’s go to bed

Whipped cream, Ice, hand cuffs

This is not like fifty shades

the bloody sheets are ruined


Let’s try a more serious one…


Summer sun shining

Sweet scent of honey suckle

Warm winds on soft skin

Wilful seduction like wine

Warming caress on my lips




Maybe I will try something different next week 😊

Fancy something different?


this people find funny…

and this is quite sad



My Donald limerick

Not had time to write today, so here’s a quick Donald limerick.

A day in the life of the Donald in limerick form.  

l am not particularly interested in politics at all but as far

as reasons to write the golden haired golf playing POTUS

is certainly good value for money.  


Oh Donald with golden hair you

must wake up with so much to do

But you sit on the shitter

Posting rantings to twitter

Like some mad man who’s been sniffing glue


This morning you’ll take on the press

Fake News!” blah blah blah…what a mess

And your staff organise

cover ups of your lies

but we know that you couldn’t care less


Then a snack and nap if you can

While you dream up your next foolish plan

“Build a wall!” hear him scream

as he wakes from a dream

Then he bans anyone with a tan.


Now it’s time to try sort out the health

care bill as its wasting the wealth

Of the rich on the frail

And the people who ail

If you can’t then you’ll kill it through stealth
Now some lunch as it’s been go go go

Then there’s pussy to grab don’t you know

“When you’re rich, don’t you see

It is pretty much free

And the women will never say no!”


After Lunch its some golf with your chums

As your right wing pals get out their guns

Pillow case on their heads

Wrapped in sheets from their beds

Picking fights with the cross lefty mums


For the rest of the day you’ll be rooting

For your very good friend Vlad the Putin

As he wrestles with bears

punches babies and hares

and gives puppies a right proper booting


Then pre dinner you’ll probably fire

Some fellow you’d chosen to hire

Just this morning “but hey

they’ve been here like a day

that’s the price for provoking my ire!”
After Dinner its time for some more

planning your own major war

just like George dubya Bush

(Who you secretly crush)

And whö’s father you really adore


Then tucked up in bed as you’ve been

Working hard at just not-being-green

The planet you’ll slaughter

you dream of your daughter

And of making Ang Merkel your queen


Fancy something else?


Photo courtesy of Haft



Stream of Conscious Saturday – Guess

The challenge was to write, unedited, on the subject of “Guess”

Apparently this is the challenge…

“1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.”

There are other rules and stuff which you can find here:

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Aug. 12/17

I intend to give myself a minute to come up with an idea and then just type and see what comes out.  Starting…NOW!

Karl really did not like parties, he was awkward at the best of times and parties tended to make it worse, but Rachel had invited him, and Rachel made his heart beat faster and forget the most basic of words.

Kyle, who as wholly more suited to parties than he was due to his fabulous hair and skinny jeans had always advised him to play it cool with women and to try and make her laugh, though right now he wanted nothing more than to scurry off home and watch TV.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.  It was Rachel.

“Hey you !” she smiled giving him a hug “I am so glad you came!”

She smelled like vanilla milkshake, and he loved vanilla milkshake.  Not as much as banana but it was right up there.

“Hey yourself” was the best he could muster, holding onto her for a little longer than he probably should have.

She brushed her hair from her eyes and handed him a red cup of what he assumed was beer.

“Oh Guess what” she said excitedly putting her hand on his arm.

This was his chance Karl thought, Kyle’s words ringing in his ears.  He needed to be funny.  Make her laugh, girls loved to laugh right.

“Guess you say” he replied smiling awkwardly “Okay, lets see.  You have me at a disadvantage but I’ll give it a go.”

Karl rubbed his chin feigning contemplation.  Rachel looked a little confused.

“You’re really an alien and you’re here to take over the planet!” he exclaimed grinning.  Oh god please laugh.

Rachel did’t laugh, mostly she looked even more confused”

“No I was going to say…” Karl interrupted before she got to finish.

“Oh no wait, I’m not ready to give up yet” Karl continued.  “I love a challenge.”

Rachel took a drink from her cup and looked past him towards the door.  Karl knew he needed to make her laugh now or he might blow his chance.

“You were going to say that you wanted to get out of here and go somewhere quiet” he said trying his best to be cool and funny and seductive at the same time.

“Er no” Rachel replied taking another drink.  She paused for a moment, and Karl could sense someone stood behind him.

“Hey babe” said a voice which he instantly recognised as Kyles.

Rachel smiled uncomfortably “I was going to say I’d started seeing your mate and he was also coming tonight.”



Not easy that lark, you don’t really know where you’re going…or I didn’t.  I knew I wanted him to crash and burn and it to be awkward and to actually guess when she said “Guess what ” but that was it.  That took about 20 minutes and a few more to correct the typos which I fixed afterwards.  I found myself typing a bit slower that normal though to give myself chance to think…




I  have lit scented candles and enjoyed long relaxing baths to the haunting calls of the blue whale…

I’ve not been on here long, but heavens there are a lot of musings going on.

Everywhere I look somebody is musing on something.  You will find many a musing for each day of the week, and months are well covered too.  The myriad of musable matters is rather mind boggling and there is no lack of quality musings out there.

New as I am to this blogging lark I have felt a pressure to muse myself at times.  Often I sit in the dark thinking that a good hard musing right now would be just the thing.   Perhaps I feel that I am missing out being relatively muse free as It seems I may well be.

Not only does it seem that I am not much of a muser but I may also be neither contemplative nor particularly deep, both qualities which it seems help in terms of ones quality musing ability .

I will admit that I have done my level best to find my inner muser, I am not lazy.  I  have lit scented candles and enjoyed long relaxing baths to the haunting calls of the blue whale and alas mostly I just end up  fancying getting into bed with a nice cup of tea and a couple of biscuits and having an early night.

I have pondered the deeper things in life,  the woes of society and the darkness that lies in the hearts of men and mostly the best i can manage is a haiku about Donald trump wanting to make love to that pudgy faced chap in charge of North Korea.

I think I once got close to an angst filled poem but it turned into a dirty limerick at the last minute.

Anyway, it’s quite late and I really shoulg be in bed.

Does that count as a muse I wonder?


Photo Courtesy of JSTARJ @ Pixabay

Weekend Away – Daily Two-Word Prompt #102 / Daily Prompt

Flo and Darren plan a dirty weekend away…

A couple I know, call them Darren and Flo

Decided some “them” time was needed

So they packed off the boys, with their books clothes and toys

to grand parents to whom they had pleaded


“Please just for tonight, they said they won’t fight

and we’ll set off back early to home

they’re really not bad, and we’d be oh so glad!”

half a weekend away – all alone!


To a hotel they drove, up the coast near the cove

lovely beach, seafood joint and big bed 😉

“This is just what we need!” Flo declared, he agreed

“Dirty weekend away!” Darren said.


Hand on thigh as they drive,  not too late they arrive

short trek, they retire to the bed

“in the mood?” he enquires,  but alas it transpires

Flo then asks for some pills for her head.


“Just unpack – in a while, I’ll be fine” Flo does smile

“Then I’m yours you can do as you will!

you can tie me and ravage, go to town get quite savage

but for now will you get me my pill?”


“Yes of course” he agrees… he would tremble her knees

just like when they first met way back when

and they’d make love all night – what a glorious sight

they’d skip breakfast and start it again.


But to his great despair, fast asleep in the chair

he awakes with a knock at the door

Knock, Knock, Knock  “it’s House keeping… you awake or you sleeping?””

The evening had promised much more!


Still a breakfast enjoyed as they talk of the boys

and how odd it is here all alone

“Do you think they’re okay?” Daz to Flo then does say

“Let me call them quick, pass me my phone”


It turns out they were fine, “slept from 8 through ’till 9

been no bother at all!” Gran does say

“Did you have a good night, was the hotel alright,

shall I tell them you’re now on you’re way?”


“So perhaps not quite bliss” Darren says with a kiss

and Flo smiles as he kisses her head

“at least we slept well, and were rested and hell

we woke up with no kids in the bed!”


Fancy something else?

Picture courtesy of espressoili @ pixabay