a chap, gullible, from Billericay
has a girlfriend quite sneaky and tricky
she would sneak off at night
slip back in by day light
and her hands, mouth and thighs rather sticky
Because the day has a ‘Y’ in it that’s why.
a chap, gullible, from Billericay
has a girlfriend quite sneaky and tricky
she would sneak off at night
slip back in by day light
and her hands, mouth and thighs rather sticky
Crass, obvious, insensitive, and vile. Him or the haiku. You decide…
The coward dances
on the heroes grave and then
fondles the widow
I really don’t think I should publish this but meh…I wrote it
These things tend to be short pieces that may or may not be the beginning of something else. Originally they were 101 words but this month I will allow myself more. M’s prompt was ‘Blue skies and blossoms.”
This has taken days as I have been busy and keep getting interrupted but I cant just delete it. The idea was there but execution is awful. The flow just wasn’t there and it is humourless but if I don’t publish it I cannot move on. Don’t bother really…
Dar folded his arms defiantly and puffed out his chest. Whilst his intention was to appear intimidating and confident it actually made him look most awkward and the appearance of perhaps suffering from extreme wind and somewhat in need of a quiet room in which to make himself considerably more comfortable.
“All I am saying” he protested “is that we need to maybe give them one more chance because I am certain that there is more to them than we have so far uncovered.”
Whilst Zenda was half his size she was twice as smart and they both knew it. Seldom did he win an argument with her and he already knew he was likely to lose this one too but he didn’t like to go down without a fight.
She placed a hand on his forearm and flashed him a smile that suggested she would happily toss the creature from the airlock right now and take great pleasure in doing so.
“Dar, the test results support my position there really isn’t anything to discuss. They’re finished.”
“Bit look at everything they’ve achieved, how far they’ve come.”
She raised an eyebrow and folded her arms mirroring his defiance.
“In nearly four thousand years they have hardly progressed beyond the savagery of their ancestors please, enlighten me.”
This is my chance he thought to himself.
“Have you heard their music? Seen their art? I know you have and you must admit that some of it is quite something to behold.” He reached for a panel below a small display to the side of where they stood. “Listen to this, ‘Chopin’. Truly marvellous stuff.” He closed his eyes as Nocturn in E-flat major flooded the deck.
Her lips tightened as the chords soared
“Don’t make me play ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ Dar, you know I will.
He mumbled a response but she had already stopped listening to him.
“I do not deny that they are creatively quite something Dar but that is not the only measure of who they are. Look into their hearts, their history, their deeds and it shows them to be wholly unsuitable for advancement.”
She motioned to the specimen laid out on the table before them. A portly fellow with tousled brown hair and red cheeks which suggested a love for hard liquor.
“Really” she continued. “Just look at this one Dar, hardly an indication of a civilisation ready to become part of a greater galactic awareness now is he.”
“Hello, excuse me I am here you know. I can hear you” the portly red faced fellow shouted straining at whatever invisible bonds held him to the table.
Dar and Zenda paid him absolutely no attention at all.
The music picked up pace as she walked over to where he lay and she prodded him with a long scaly finger..
“Dar, face it, they’re a pretty grubby lot when it comes down to it.”
“Right, hello” the man shouted again. Again they ignored him. “Can you get me a manager, I need to speak to someone in authority if you’re not going to listen to me.”
Dar sighed and unfolded his arms as Pachelbel’s Canon in D major began to play.
“I just think we should give them a chance Zen, this one’s pretty rubbish I admit but there are some good ones.”
He snarled as the man on the table began to speak again and then went silent.
“Like their leaders?” She asked, a wry smile upon her face.
Dar paused for a moment. “Maybe not them, but some of the others.”
“Okay so maybe like the religious leaders?”
He knew he was losing but wasn’t ready to give up.
“You’re probably right you know” interrupted the red faced man. “We’re a pretty sorry bunch come to think about it.”
“Will you shut up” Dar barked “I’m trying to save you from oblivion here and you really aren’t helping.”
Dar took a deep breath and gave it one last shot. “What about all the other great things they have achieved? Law, society, scientific advancement. They could make a huge impact if we let them join us. And god how gorgeous a planet. Blue skies and blossoms the like of which we seldom see.”
“War, hunger, genocide and the selfish pursuit of gain Dar. They aren’t ready for it and they never will be. They’re flawed. I give you it’s a beautiful place but we our orders are pretty clear.”
“She’s right you know” the specimen interrupted. “As much as I hate to admit it she really is. Were pretty useless.”
“Really?” Dar snapped. “Really?”
Zenda smiled. “Just do it Dar, let’s just finish up and head home. I’ll issue the report and we can move onto the next job.”
Dar looked over at the table. The creature attempted to shrug as best as the restraints would allow.
Dar reached for the console and initiated the destruction sequence.
“Fine” he said leaving the room. “But I’m keeping the music collection.”
The one where the fat bloke danced naked and made another man feel rather unwell.
Exhibitionist
and a great lover of pies
vomit inducing

I think perhaps the picture came first well before the haiku. I don’t know why I chose to draw that, perhaps it is some sort of repressed angst. Maybe I just find the idea funny. Maybe I just happened to draw a fat bloke with a big set of balls and a curiously positioned penis. I don’t know. I do know that it made that other fellow decidedly queasy to the point of throwing up.
Probably a true story.
Better do a limerick then hadn’t I.
A poor chap with a weak constitution
spent much time on his daily ablutions
he would wipe, scrub and clean
’till his bottom did gleam
and was free from unsightly pollutions
The one about foot fetish sex
Who knows what darkness lies within the hearts of men.
These things tend to be short pieces that may or may not be the beginning of something else. Originally they were 101 words but this month I will allow myself more. M’s prompt was ‘Nature’s Reflection’
Darkness scratched and clawed deep within screaming to be released and demanding revenge. Someone needed to pay and with fists clenched he lashed out wildly, desperate to set free the rage and pain and inflict it on someone else.
Flesh tore and bone splintered as his fists connected, his hands bloodied and knuckles bare and dripping with blood as dark as his heart now felt.
“I want you to die” he muttered to himself and tasting the blood from where he had bitten through his lip. It was warm in his mouth. It felt good to bleed.
He lashed out again, his fists balled and this time when he connected he felt the bones in his hand snap and splinter. The pain shot through him like fire and it felt good. It felt right. Yes, someone did have to pay, and maybe it was him. It wasn’t right what happened to that young boy, no one should have to endure that. Someone was to blame, someone needed to be punished.
The throbbing in his head reached a crescendo and screaming he bent double, closing his eyes and covering his ears to block out the laughter that filled his senses. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his heart pounded in his chest.
Rising up he roared a defiant “no” and swung again, this time missing wildly and stumbling forwards. Instinctively he reached for the edge of the sink to steady himself and there he stood, until his breathing calmed, and slowly he raised his head to look at himself in the cracked and bloodied mirror once more.
Which is mostly the same as all the other days of the week to be honest.
I have a list you know
and crave the apocolypse
I know who I’d eat
Ooh that was a bit dark wasn’t it. Okay so I wouldn’t go eating people willy nilly this is worse case scenario you know. All the tinned goods would need to be gone and I would probably have even eating some of the dry cat food and the stuff at the back of the cupboard that is well past it’s use by date. Not the wet cat food though – god no thanks I would rather munch on one of the neighbours before I eat that. Makes me gag at the thought.
Anyway, I’m sure it won’t come to that…
Don’t act surprised. It’s not even medically accurate but that never stopped me before.
Once a student, a fellow from Harrow
A urethra quite long but so narrow
he could go all damn night
with no ending in sight
sixty nine, doggy style and wheel barrow
More from my favourite coke smuggling (alleged and unproven and mostly just me being jealous) travel blog.
The state of Paraíba in Brazil has some of the most amazing beaches in the world. There are miles and miles of unspoiled beaches with little development around them, which makes them very attractive. Most of the beaches are in areas of preservation. The most eastern point of the Americas – the point that sticks […]
Something I picked up at a con in London.
Normally I shouw you my comic art but this is different. I picked this up at a con in London a few years ago and had forgotten about it. Only cost me £15 and is a limited print and as I recall I have anther one somewhere of a Tiger/Moth combination. This is the octopus/crayfish/hare combo. It is called sea hare.
Comic cons often also have your general artist type with his stuff on display and I remember seeing this and loving both the combination of the creatures but loving the detail and the pen strokes. The intricate detail is gorgeous and just rather beautiful. I adore the hybrid creature idea too, weird stuff like that really floats my boat.







Ive tried to find out who did it but have struggled. Shame really.
I really do need to get some of this stuff framed.
Don’t come crying when it all ends in tears and you have to eat your neighbours!
Fancy more of the same?
Poor kitchen hygiene
handling chilli’s, loves to scratch
balls burn like lava

Darkest night and brightest days
These things tend to be short pieces that may or may not be the beginning of something else. Originally they were 101 words but this month I will allow myself more. M’s prompt was ‘Amethyst Tears’
When the first stars went out no one noticed at first. There are after all nearly ten thousand visible in the night sky. Or at least there were. It wasn’t long though before people realised and when it started to be reported, well you can imagine how everything went all to hell.
Many proclaimed it was the end of days and the sign of the second coming of one fellow or another, and most were pretty clear on the matter that everyone was going to be judged – and most likely pretty harshly, and obviously not them. Not many of them lasted long though because when all you can do day to day is watch the universe being slowly snuffed it will do pretty terrible things to you.
Some hardier souls did continue to rejoice in what they believed was a certain future for them and the other believers but that slow creeping fear is a terrible thing, and eventually even the most hardy failed the test of faith and succumbed to the madness. A mind is a fragile thing it seems and it takes a lot less to break it than you might think.
Those of a more pragmatic nature did better than most, simply spending the nights watching the sky go out and the days mindful of whatever time they had left which turned out to not be long at all.
In those final hours, as the inky black of the darkest night descended, the sky rained amethyst tears and those that remained looked to the skies for a final time in wonder as everything came to an end. It all happened pretty quickly and wasn’t painful at all and was a sight to behold indeed. I think it was a fitting end to what hadn’t been a particular successful experiment.
Maybe next time round I’ll try something else but for now, I think I’m just going to enjoy the peace and quiet.
A limerick…
Married fellow it seems he did wonder
about porn that he watched, “chocolate thunder”
then he hungered and craved
the dark python quite shaved
till he had it – it tore him asunder…
Well that turned out a bit different. I think its a revisit to an idea I rather like.
These things tend to be short pieces that may or may not be the beginning of something else. Originally they were 101 words but this month I will allow myself more. M’s prompt was ‘Peach Kisses’
The first time she saw him her body reacted and she knew he was the one. Her father had always told her to ‘choose a date that would make a mate’ and he had all the makings of a fine one at that.
Physically he was tall, broad shouldered and had the kind of jaw you couldn’t help wanting to caress whilst you whispered in his ear to lose his wife and meet you upstairs. The sharp dark blue suite hung like he was born for it and as he walked across the room she noticed more than one of the lesser creatures bristle and stand that little bit closer to the pretty little thing on his arm.
She took out her the peach balm from a small black purse, lingered briefly savouring the sensation as she ran it slowly over her lips, and then put it away as she walked over to the bar where he stood.
Waiting behind him she breathed deep. He smelled like leather and musk and her pulse began to race.
“I’ll take one too” she said smiling at the barman as he ordered whisky sour.
He turned around slowly still leaning on the bar. “So a whiskey lover eh” he said flashing her a broad smile.
She was unnervingly beautiful and his cheeks flushed as she placed a hand on his arm. “A lover of many things, my tastes are varied.”
He turned to face her and extended a hand. His nails were well manicured an there was the all too familiar indentation on the ring finger of his left hand.
“Adam, my name’s Adam” he said attempting to give her his best smouldering look. She loved how they squirmed, no matter how dominant they thought they were they were little more than hormonal sacks of throbbing flesh at times.
Holding out her his hand she walked closer to him. “Adam is it? Well then that must make me Eve.”
He stood frozen for a moment before slowly releasing her hand.
“I…er…”
Placing a finger on his lips she shushed him. She did so enjoy the dramatic, playing with them and watching them melt at her touch.
“Oh come now handsome” she continued standing even closer, her breasts pressed against him. The place was filling up quickly and there were people all around them. She raised an eyebrow and giggled. “I see it’s not only speaking that’s hard is it.”
Feeling more confident he placed a hand on her waist and leaned in as the bar tender slid the drinks over. “So Eve” he said smiling “have you come to tempt me?”
He has a sense of humour she thought to herself. A little corny perhaps but he is trying and normally it was a sign of intelligence. This was getting better and better by the minute. She stared into his dark brown eyes and bit her lip and watched his pupils dilate and nostrils flare. She could almost taste the testosterone coursing through his body, almost feel his urge to taste her.
His hand slipped to the small of her back. “I think we need to be anywhere but here don’t you think?”
“Oh is that so?” She replied. “You haven’t even finished your drink.”
He looked her up and down, taking a deep breath as the sight of the red dress clinging to her curves and her wavy raven hair cascading around her shoulders.
“This drink?” He replied reaching over for it and knocking it back in one.
Oh how they loved to perform for her, once their dander was up and they felt their trousers tighten. The desperation was intoxicating and it made her want to possess them even more.
Placing a hand on his chest she could feel his heart racing beneath the hard ripples of his body. Staring into his eyes she slid her hand slowly downwards and stopped just above his waist. She needed to get him outside, away from the noise and bustle of this place. He was definitely the one and it was time.
“Follow me” she whispered into his ear as she tugged on his belt and snaked her fingertips inside.
He nodded, completely in her grip. They were just so obedient she thought to herself, little more than compliant horny little pups. Holding his hand she ld him from the room, she knew he was staring at her at her backside as walked ahead of him, she was now so in tune with his desires she was certain that she could hear every urge and thought filling him.
She headed out through the heavy front doors and out into the night. The streets were still busy and neon flooded the darkness as rain began to fall. “Down here” she urged and dragged him down an alley that ran behind the building and into a recessed doorway at the end, just out of sight of passers by.
She pushed him against the door as he tried to kiss her, and he looked shocked at how strong she was. Smiling she wrapped her slender fingers around his throat. He wasn’t the first to underestimate her and he wouldn’t be the last. She reached between his legs with her free hand.
“That all you got?” she said smiling. He grinned and tried to kiss her again and once more she shoved him against the wall.
“I’m going to F…”
She squeezed his throat, red manicured nails digging into his flesh. His heart was racing and every fibre of his being craved her. His mind swam with thoughts of pushing her up against the wall and lifting her skirt. She giggled as she stared into his eyes. Did he really think he could satisfy her? He wouldn’t last a minute.
“It’s time” she said, her face now just an inch from his.
Again he nodded and she squeezed him through his trousers.
He was ready and so was she, his body was filled with the testosterone her eggs needed to incubate. Her tongue flashed from between her peach scented lips, into his mouth and down his throat…
He would make a good mate indeed.
This week there was curry.
As weeks go this was considerably better than last and I found myself generally not thinking about food much after I ensured I did the shop and made sure there was plenty in to prevent myself feeling peckish.
And then a friend of mine brought around the curry.
He worked for me a couple of years ago and I supported him through some pretty tough times when he had cancer and thankfully he is in remission. His mum was always grateful of how I supported him too and has often expressed that gratitude through the most delicious medium of food.
Given that it was Eid this week she sent what I can only describe as a box of pure bliss. There was no way that I was saying no to any of it and I will happily have my life shortened for the goodness that was inside.
In the first box were the most delightful pieces of chicken, samosas, kebabs, mushroom rice, lamb chops and chicken pasta. The second held a quite fragrant and spicy Thai green curry and in the third was one of the most delicious things (that I had never had before) in sweet rice.



He was barely out of the door before I had the kids downstairs and we were tucking in. We had already had dinner but like hobbits we were most keen on the idea of second dinner and tucked in. All thoughts of calories and points and whole food went out the window and instead I simply enjoyed a meal as delicious as any I have had in a long time and you know what? I am most glad I did.
It would be rude not to right!
This was before the internet probably. Or maybe his dad is just old school.
A quite pleasant young Christian Chap Quincy
found a mag ‘neath his dad’s bed one day he
read from cover to cover
oh the things he’d discover
Now cant stop craving boobs ever since see
I might be wrong though. Who really knows what anyone really wants.
a whole bag of prunes
and then two bowls of chilli
this will not end well
WHat goes on tour apparently did not stay on tour
So a businessman based up in Libya
from his trip brought home crabs and chlymidia
and a vase from Phuket
from a trans chap he met
and a rash from this lass from Namibia
I did this last year and it was a real blast!
To a buckaroo community, the annual rodeo was a chance to show off skills of the trade: reining a cow-horse, throwing a loop and dallying a rope, wrestling a steer to the ground, and tying a goat. Yours truly was the Goat Tying Champion of a long-forgotten rodeo. I still remember the smell of horse […]
via Are You Ready to Rodeo? — Carrot Ranch Literary Community
Rob WIlliams, Smudge, D’Israeli and Rufus Dayglo
One of my favourite characters in 2000AD is Dirty Frank. He’s an undercover judge with some serious mental health issues and an absolute bloody hoot. I fell in love with D’Israeli’s artwork a couple of years ago and really cannot get enough of it. It is jarring and somewhat unconventional and a real pleasure to behold. I love the black and white stuff and the writing in ‘Living the Low Life’ is as funny as hell. Well worth picking up.
D’Israeli actually did a drawing for me when I met him at a con a few years ago and I have been meaning to get it turned into a tattoo for a while now. Really must get that done. I should try find it…







Shall we? It is nearly Friday after all.
One beer won’t hurt
wakes up spooning a hobo
may be time to quit
Got one of these for you if you fancy it…
A scientific young chap from the States
compiled stats on each one of his dates
compared each on a chart
to find what set them apart
still a virgin unlike all his mates