weight loss – Page 3

Dieting. 3.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay so I’m going to double up on the posts on this to get caught up so I can post daily on the matter if I so choose.

2 days in and the worse thing I have put into my mouth was a cheeky spoonful of that chicken pie I wrote about last time which my eldest had for his tea. That’s not bad because a lot of you have done a damn site worse.

Yes you. You know who you are. Don’t make me add a winky face to make my point.

There have been natural yogurts, salads, omelettes and all manner of things that seemed in a relatively unprocessed form. Novel I know. I even resisted the work Christmas Dinner in the canteen today and had a salad box instead.

The salad itself was fine and I felt fairly full afterwards. I was though really confused about something called QUINOA.

What the bloody hell is that. As if couscous isn’t bad enough with its bland offensiveness they went and slipped this stuff in there. I thought it looked okay, and hoped perhaps it might be a little spicy. It wasn’t.

Four hours later I am still finding bits of it in my mouth and in my clothes as I was forced to try spit it out and got it all over myself. What the hell is it? It managed to absorb all the moisture in my mouth and left me really rather parched indeed.

I’m assuming none of you have eaten it as you all seem quite happy types.

Anyway, it was just a quickie tonight. I think I am going to bed – I need to hydrate and get my strength up because it is the official Christmas Dinner tomorrow and I am assured there is no quinoa on the menu.

Dieting. 2.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay, so I posted about my intentions with regards to weight loss and one day in it went okay. I had more fruit than I normally would, I had a chicken Caesar wrap for lunch and for dinner pilchards on toast. There was plenty of water and I had a small bag of nuts and seeds because I apparently need to get more good cholesterol in me.

So that’s all very positive. I will admit though I so wanted to eat that delicious looking chicken pie sat looking at me whenever I open the fridge. It just screams “eat me you fat bastard, ram me into your hungry hole right now and to hell with your high blood pressure because you know I am going to taste so damned good.”

Pies are awful creatures they really are. I was once set upon by two sausage and tomato pies and a Cornish pasty and it took all my efforts to fight them off and devour them (all in self-defence I might add).

Aah good times.

Oh and how hard I had to resist buying a trifle when I popped to the shops. If I had bought it I know for a fact that I would have found myself eating it wearing only my underpants stood in front of the fridge at 3am, waking with a custard moustache and wondered why I wasn’t in the mood for breakfast.

Custard moustache…ha. Sounds like a sex act.

“Yeah man I took her back to my place and she gave me a custard moustache…”

Anyway, the struggle is real trust me.

But I didn’t, instead I did the things I know I need to do and have also started today with porridge. I sexed it up with a few raisins and a sprinkling of coconut. Rock and roll baby!

Wonder if I can now get into those jeans I haven’t been able to squeeze into for years. It has been an entire day after all.

Dieting. 1.

Let’s give it another go eh

So it turns out that after posting about dieting here and here I did very little about the matter. There were a few apples and some lighter lunchtime options enjoyed at work when I set out but there were also loose handfuls of quality street chocolates and overflowing plates of pie and mash washed down with mince pies and stollen.

Sadly it turns out a salad on a Tuesday will not in any way make up for a McDonalds Big Tasty on a Wednesday. And yes, I went large.

In some ways that is almost enough to convert me from my atheist ways. Only a force of pure evil would make a mouth watering burger total 1300 calories and a light ham salad with a splash of vinaigrette a mere 250. If such evil exists then surely there is a balance of goodness out there somewhere.

Anyway I am thinking that if I write about it a little more then perhaps that will make me feel somewhat more accountable. Or maybe a lot more. I know you will all be frightfully encouraging too.

So keep an eye out for how it goes, might be fun.

Fatties in Space – Part 4

Okay so I know I said they were done but I miss them terribly so thought I would give it another go.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 can be found here and part 3 is right here. It’s best to read those first if you like poems and such about fat people shagging in space. Yes I know that’s not a real thing but its just a bit of fun. Use your imagination. 🙂

Now they’re back down on earth and they ask “was it worth

all our savings are gone nothing’s left”

they then think of the lust and the force of the thrust

unencumbered by both of their heft

And they smile and decide with a grin rather wide

that they know then what needs to transpire

their large bulk to reduce, live on veges and juice

for their loins are still moist and on fire

So Pilates and gym in a quest to get thin

bums and tums every day before dawn

and he works on each ab somewhere beneath the flab

protein shakes he wolfs down with each yawn

And at night they pursue new positions or two

just to test what they might just achieve

head down butt in the air he grabs hold of her hair

a bit easier his weight he does heave

“Oh delight” he exclaims and the weight loss he blames

for the pounding he brings as she squeals

and her bottom he slaps and they take far more naps

cos they’re at it like bunnies twixt meals

So each morning she runs as he works on his guns

as she sweats bosoms bounce up and down

whilst her nipples are tender shes a wee bit more slender

but its worth it the way he goes down

Like hes eating a cake or delish philly steak

cos shes somewhat more flexi these days

and instead of meat pies he’s devouring her thighs

sometimes 2, 3 or 4 different ways

and shes quicker to squeeze into camel toe jeans

and there’s far less a chance of them splitting

he can see past his gut as she role plays a slut

and he watches her licking and spitting

then a salad for dinner and he says “you look thinner”

she replies “your man boobs look so small”

and he touches her hand says “I’m so glad I’m your man”

she smiles “I think we have it all”

Some Saturday night limericks

A couple of limericks about adultery, one about a man with a small penis and one about middle aged spread.

Just a couple more limericks. Been rather tied up back end of this week and I went to the pub last night so all I have managed over the last few days are the limericks I scribble in my notebook when I am on a conference call of some description at work…

A bank robber from Toremelinos

stole to get cash for his penis

to enlarge was his wish

but the products are pish

now he’s locked up in jail with men, heinous

‘My Friend’ watches far too much telly

middle aged, double chins and round belly

legs and arms got quite thick

now he can’t see his dick

and his man boobs they jiggle like jelly

A husband one day proclaimed dead

seems his wife shot him right through the head

on his phone saw a text

“Banged your sister, you’re next!”

really made quite a mess of the bed

Farmers wife with a craving for men

got caught cheating again and again

hub quite angry threw fits

then he chopped her to bits

fed her parts to the pigs in his pen

On still being fat

A piece on being made up of one quarter Kentucky fried chicken and three quarters middle aged dad.

I wrote here, some while ago, on the matter of being fat and being on a diet. That didn’t last though because I have a real love of all things delicious and a self destructive streak that simply will not listen no matter how tight my trousers may be or how jiggly my man bosoms.

I did though do something I have been putting off for a while and go for a full medical check up recently. The sort you pay a lot for and they issue you with a terrifying report afterwards which has charts in it that prove that you’re lucky to be alive and that you are made up of one quarter Kentucky Fried Chicken. Probably my thighs. They are quite succulent.

So, it was with some trepidation that I headed to Leeds and signed in, nervous about what was to follow but relieved in a way that I had done something positive. I am getting on after all, I am 46 this year.

Now I don’t smoke, and drink only occasionally, but I don’t eat well at all and get far too little exercise. By too little I mean pretty much none – unless you count running back upstairs from the kitchen late at night because the blinds are up and the neighbours can probably see me eating handfuls of wafer thin ham straight from the fridge in my pants.

They ran a full battery of tests on all of my major bits and pieces, took blood and other bodily fluids to pore over and even tested my hearing. I’m a bit deaf on the wife side apparently.

There was a not wholly unpleasant episode involving lubricant and the snap of a rubber glove which men of a particular age are subjected to and the caress of an educated hand to ensure that all was ship shape in the underpants department.

How did it work out?

Well turns out It could have been a lot worse though I hope very much it was the kick up my full bottom that I needed. Almost everything came back better than I hoped though I apparently need to eat more nuts, oily fish and avocado. Easy enough I guess. The two areas for concern were my weight (which I did not need to pay someone £300 to tell me – I do have a mirror) and my blood pressure. They’re obviously linked but it did result in me having to go on medication as it was worryingly high.

I felt rather chastened I will admit,

So what now? Well a few weeks in on the meds and I feel noticeably better and I seem to almost have my eating under control. Its surprising what you are capable of when you the ramifications are laid out for you by someone with a certificate on his wall that entitles him to caress your testicles.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

Today’s blog introduces my new section, Ask Michael.

Seems that there are lots of blogs offering advice and inspiration so today I thought that I would perhaps try my hand at something a little different. I have read a lot of the blogs out there so think maybe I might have the knack.

Life not what you thought it would be?

How about…”All good things come to those who wait.” Ooh, how about “Life is what you make of it.”

Now you could sit around waiting for something wonderful though I would suggest you ask yourself if it really is that bad. Okay, so maybe you’re one of those poor folk with a face full of flies and a sticky out belly button and is born into abject poverty and would prefer a loaf of bread over a fridge magnet quote but given that you are reading this, probably on a mobile phone, then I don’t think you’re one of them.

I imagine you have very few, if any, flies on your face and you probably have Amazon Prime Video and enjoy regular baths. Maybe it could be better if you had NetFlix, but perhaps just be grateful for what you have and keep working to try and improve yourself and your life and those around you because it could be a damn site worse and you could be wearing underpants that you got from a Lithuanian charity.

Feeling like a failure?

Why not hang out with urine drenched homeless people and crack addled prostitutes for an afternoon? You’ll feel so much better about yourself in to time, and will have a new found appreciation for the meagre amount you have achieved in life. That is assuming they don’t rob you and steal your clothes and use you as a sexual plaything in a bus station toilet.

Lost your faith?

It will be fine I promise, in fact I would suggest you get out to the pub with a few mates and have some cocktails and shots and do some karaoke. Chances are that whatever your faith strippers and flaming sambucas are on the do to list so enjoy it while you can.

You can always go back when you hit rock bottom, or at Christmas or on the day of the holy monkey god ascension day or whatever it is people go for these days. We all know how much people of faith love welcoming back a lost soul, so they will probably have a barbecue for you, which would be lovely I am sure.

Let’s finish on a couple of things you could turn into motivational weight related fridge magnets shall we?

I may have fat armpits, but at least I do not look like I have aids.

I beat anorexia!

I smell like pies because it makes me feel sexy.

That’s just a sample of my wisdom, and you’re feeling better now I imagine. Not bad for a first attempt I reckon. As you can see I am all heart and am here to share your pain.

Feel free to leave a comment and I will happily advise you how to fix your life.

Fancy reading something else?

Ichabod the first

Badger and Fox

More miserable and inappropriate limericks – Not for the kiddies

Photo courtesy of Geralt@pixabay

I seem to be on a diet

I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge…

I wrote previously about being fat, and since that post – despite great consideration – did precisely nothing about it. Unless of course you were to count the two meals below, which I think may actually have had exactly the opposite effect of a nice salad and a walk in the park. I am no nutritionist though, so cannot be absolutely certain on that point.

The feast above was enjoyed (and shared) at Miller and Carter in Huddersfield, and whilst there is an abundance of Salad I imagine the benefits were likely undone by the lashings of dressing and the presence of an entire deep fried crab. Again, I would welcome a steer on that point from someone in the know.

Now the next meal I enjoyed at the Bottomley Arms in Halifax, and the ultimate burger seems something they are rather proud of.

After eating as much of it as I could, washed down with a cheeky gin and tonic or two, I realised that perhaps any item of food that has the word ‘Ultimate’ in the description is unlikely to prepare one for a lengthy session in the gym.

Equally, another indication as to its inappropriateness for exertion of any type other than the loosening of one’s belt and sweating on the way back to the car may have been the use of the phrase ‘…and even more onion rings and cheese…”

I’m pretty sure it had pulled pork on it. I vaguely recall the use of the words ‘succulent’, ‘juicy’ and ‘hand pulled’ at some point in the evening.

Anyway, I checked both Slimming World and Weight Watchers websites in the hope that perhaps I could pass them off under a few ‘healthy B’s’ or maybe they might come in under a daily ‘points total’ but alas not. Both sites simply confirmed that not only am I big boned with a healthy appetite but I am also somewhat delusional.

So, that being said I awoke this morning and for some reason thought, “why don’t you get on the scale.” You want to know the number don’t you. Yeah well I think perhaps I’ll keep that for another day but what I will say is that I decided that I would have a go at not having bacon for breakfast and take it from there. What I did have was this:

It was ok I guess, for a breakfast that was not pork based. What I will say is that I didn’t need a lie down after it so that’s something right?

Admittedly, I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge. I was worried though that should I have a stroke and fall down dead at that very moment it would scar the kids for life when they found me lying there, clad only in my underpants, Eton mess spilling from my mouth and looking like I’d succumbed to rabies.

So we shall see how it goes, and I will continue to share. I may well have to change the featured image in this photo if I get a chance later because I feel like that woman with the fruit is just mocking me.

On being really fat

They say one should write about what one knows, so I I think I shall perhaps write about being fat.

Now, I don’t yet know if it will be a cake and pork fuelled celebration of my wobbly belly and chafing thighs or whether I shall use this as a shameful catalyst to stir me in my eternal attempt to lose weight. I haven’t quite worked myself up to a commitment one way or another yet having only just penned the thought, plus I have a rather nice hot beef and mustard sandwich that needs to be eaten before I do any sort of serious decision making.

Now if I was to attempt to lose weight, which I indeed might but let’s not be too hasty as we are still working through the premise for this piece, then It obviously goes without saying that typing will not help me shed a single chin. I am also pretty sure that a few of the particularly energetic amongst you may well be thinking that I should simply stop typing right now, wipe the quite delicious beef juice from my chubby little fingers and get myself on a treadmill or go for a nice walk. I won’t argue against that point, and the matter of the treadmill is one I will address another time most likely, but for now I think I shall either, but I shall persist with writing something first at that was my aim when I sat down. That and to eat my rather delicious sandwich which I have done whilst typing this.

So where to next I ask myself. I am not certain yet but how about I float a couple of ideas to see whether any of them stir me as to my preferred course of action:

· When bending over to pick things up became an embarrassment to my children.

· Why my jeans need pulling up whenever I stand.

· Failing at not being fat.

· Stamina, what stamina.

· I woke up with a lollipop stuck to my jumper

· What do you mean I have piles!

· Late night eating by refrigerator light.

· Please put a shirt on the neighbours might see you.

As much as that feels like Weird Al album track listing, I think I might have enough ideas to take this somewhere you know.

Perhaps I will see you next time when I tackle the difficult subject of ‘Why my bathroom scale hates me and lies just to make me feel bad about myself’.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/Lollipop/