Better do a limerick then hadn’t I.
A poor chap with a weak constitution
spent much time on his daily ablutions
he would wipe, scrub and clean
’till his bottom did gleam
and was free from unsightly pollutions
Which is mostly the same as all the other days of the week to be honest.
I have a list you know
and crave the apocolypse
I know who I’d eat
Ooh that was a bit dark wasn’t it. Okay so I wouldn’t go eating people willy nilly this is worse case scenario you know. All the tinned goods would need to be gone and I would probably have even eating some of the dry cat food and the stuff at the back of the cupboard that is well past it’s use by date. Not the wet cat food though – god no thanks I would rather munch on one of the neighbours before I eat that. Makes me gag at the thought.
Anyway, I’m sure it won’t come to that…
Don’t act surprised. It’s not even medically accurate but that never stopped me before.
Once a student, a fellow from Harrow
A urethra quite long but so narrow
he could go all damn night
with no ending in sight
sixty nine, doggy style and wheel barrow
Fancy more of the same?
Poor kitchen hygiene
handling chilli’s, loves to scratch
balls burn like lava
A limerick…
Married fellow it seems he did wonder
about porn that he watched, “chocolate thunder”
then he hungered and craved
the dark python quite shaved
till he had it – it tore him asunder…
This was before the internet probably. Or maybe his dad is just old school.
A quite pleasant young Christian Chap Quincy
found a mag ‘neath his dad’s bed one day he
read from cover to cover
oh the things he’d discover
Now cant stop craving boobs ever since see
I might be wrong though. Who really knows what anyone really wants.
a whole bag of prunes
and then two bowls of chilli
this will not end well
WHat goes on tour apparently did not stay on tour
So a businessman based up in Libya
from his trip brought home crabs and chlymidia
and a vase from Phuket
from a trans chap he met
and a rash from this lass from Namibia
Shall we? It is nearly Friday after all.
One beer won’t hurt
wakes up spooning a hobo
may be time to quit
Got one of these for you if you fancy it…
A scientific young chap from the States
compiled stats on each one of his dates
compared each on a chart
to find what set them apart
still a virgin unlike all his mates
The one with the scratching
Just remember, when you think nobody is watching and you do those things you ought to be ashamed of me and my kind are around and we do not have the luxury of forgetting.
In fact, we have surprisingly long memories.
I know a Steiff bear called Gerald who I met at the park a while back who is to this day still traumatised by what he saw someone do with a lukewarm cheese fondu and a packet of cocktail sausages back in the seventies. He says things were different back then and were willing to try all sorts but the dead look in his eyes tells me that he has seen too much.
So next time you stand in front of the fridge in the middle of the night scratching yourself and then eating cold mashed potatoes with your hands think again. I would claw your face off if I could but alas I have to suffer watching you handle raw poultry in an unhygienic fashion and then wonder why the toilets are always blocked and the kids aren’t at school because they gambled on a fart.
Seriously, just think okay – we all have to live in the same house and it wouldn’t hurt you to think of others now and then.
Well it was when I set out…
sun slowly fading
first signs of autumn changes
dog shit ‘neath the leaves
Okay so I started trying to do a proper one but mostly I am then just drawn to images of leaves on the ground and we all know what leaves on the ground means right? No? It means dog shit hidden by leaves. You cant go running through the leaves and kicking them playfully anymore for fear of whipping up a Doberman turd into the face of a passing child or being late for school because you have to head back home to clean the crap out of the kids school shoes.
No, I am not ready for Autumn yet because it will inevitably make me grumpy and complain about dog owners a lot and it has so been a pleasant summer.
Let’s hear it for hump day everybody!
Once a kinky young fellow from Crete
got turned on at the sight of the feet
lost his mind at nice heels
arches so made him squeal
the aroma…he exploded…so sweet!
maybe because they don’t move much
Left eldest at home
first time all day on his own
I don’t think he moved
Offence to some incoming…
Once a charlatan, not reverential
said “I’ll tell folks god’s quite existential
and that yeah, I’m his son
had a thing with my mum
it’s sure to make cash, has potential”
I might be wrong about this but I bet I’m not!
Behold Bald Eagle
Great winged symbol of freedom
And lunch in Beijing
Who fancies Tuesday then?
Boastful fellow from Just south of Perth
Boasted he had great length and such girth
But it ended in tears
Dropped his pants on the beers
“Hey it’s cold” he protested to mirth
e
Thought the headline might catch your attention.
Once a premature fellow from France
met a lovely young lass at a dance
with a touch of her hand
it went not quite as planned
He exploded all over his pants
As if I actually know what that means
Once a fellow, tight bodied and ripped
on his torso worked hard but legs skipped
His top half was gigantic
though a breeze made him frantic
as unbalanced he wobbled and tripped
So be careful okay. Don’t say you weren’t warned
Pyromaniac nympho Melinda
snagged a willing young fellow from Tinder
as she reached for the lube
candle fell on his pubes
burnt his scrotum and knob to a cinder
Actually nothing to see but thanks for taking a look anyway.
At winters first chill.
nipples kindly remind me
must get some coat hooks
Wednesday, well that came around rather quickly. Let’s start by being inappropriate shall we,
Once a frisk young beauty called Mandy
quite insatiable always quite randy
had two fellas most days
her loins always ablaze
and toys for in between, rather handy
The one where she gets him to dance for her…
I like to think that I am a fairly optimistic sort, given my situation. Yes, I will admit to occasionally succumbing to dark thoughts but given mu situation I would hope that you might appreciate the effect such things can have on you.
Take today for example. Everything was going pretty well and I had been left in the kitchen and forgetting to turn off the radio I was able to listen to the cricket. India had England under pressure but I remained hopeful given the time left in the day. She is working upstairs in the office and all is good in the world.
Until he arrived. You know the one, the plum smuggler. He popped over on the basis of something I care not one jot to recall and actually had the audacity to manhandle me. Apparently I am a rather cute bear. I swear to god his breath smelled very much like a dildo.
And before you ask I have it on very good authority after that time I was left upstairs and he had been away with work and she had taken to drinking and watching ‘Magic Mike’. For a while after she tried to get him to dance for her but he tripped and fell on his erection one night after she tried to get him to shake it a little too rigorously and he ended up in accident and emergency.
Turns out you can’t break your dick despite his assertions to the contrary.
Anyway, they ruined a perfectly good afternoons cricket. Bastards the lot of them.
Who fancies Tuesday then?
Once a chap with a craving for harlot’s
had a Julie, a Kate and a Scarlet
on whom he spend all his cash
and picked up quite a rash
which he gave to his poor girlfriend Charlotte
Why not eh
Curly haired scots lad, Mackenzie
red hair, freckles put the girls in a frenzy
Bed sweet Jane all weekend
Thursday, Friday her friend
Monday Tuesday hot Belle, rest on Wednesday
Afterwards 