Tag: sex

NOT for the kiddies

Immature and inappropriate

The Haunted Wordsmith posted earlier and it tickled my fancy so I figured I would give it a crack.  The idea is to come up with the best lies to the questions below.  My lies are in BOLD.  Or are they lies?  Maybe they’re the truth and the truth is all just lies.

Deep eh 😉

Everyone thinks they know the story of Jack and Jill, but why did they really go up the hill?

Weed.  Jack was a serious toker and the hill gave him a great viewpoint in case the cops came by.  Jill brought snacks.  Be like Jill.

 

What was humpty dumpty sitting on and why?

A haemerroid ring.  Did you not know that he has serious piles from sitting on that cold fucking wall all day long.  They look like a freaking bunch of grapes just dangling from his little eggy anus.

 

What did Rapunzel let down?

Oh she let her hair down alright, that is why she was locked in that tower.  She was completely out of control when it came to princes and was secretly desperate to get a piece of any prince that was passing by.  Her parents locked her up there for her own good because she was getting a rep as a right little tease.  On and that wasn’t the hair from her head that she let down, she was famously hirsuite, if you know what I mean.  😉

 

What was Little Miss Muffet eating and what happened when the spider came down beside her?

Miss muffet had spend the afternoon with Jack and Jill so she was bloody starving and was eating porridge but she had already polished a ham, two chickens and a yard of sausage.  She was still tripping balls when the spider came down so she spent an hour talking existential shit before falling asleep and pissing herself.

 

Why was Hansel and Gretel sent into the woods?

To get some shrooms for Jack because Gretel had a bit of a thing for him and they were all going to get wasted together and see what happened.  Jill is a bit of a prude but you’d be amazed what people will do when they’re off their tits dancing with leprechauns.

 

Who really ate Grandma?

Everyone ate grandma when she was younger.  She would do just about anything for a picnic basket.  She makes Yogi Bear look vegetarian.

What did the Three Little Pigs build their houses out of?

Actually they rented as they were struggling to get a mortgage with the economy being in the state it was.  it wasn’t like they had a job or a deposit.  Unfortunately they had a pretty sketchy landlord who was just in it for the money and really didn’t look after the place which is why they came down so quickly.

What did Little Jack Horner pull out of the pie?

Himself.  Come on you know he did.  Times were harsh but they still ate it because it would be a good waste of pie and with the plague and everything you don’t know when the end will come so you really cannot be too picky about whether it has his special sauce in it or not.

 

What is the true story behind Cinderella?

She had to be gone by 12 because she was on probation for prostitution.  If she got caught cruising the palaces once more it was the stocks for her.

Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t his name…what was it?

Rumpledforeskin.  You’d have thought he’d have gone for something way different like Kyle or Luke maybe but he didn’t want to upset his mother.

 

Now off to bed with me to read stories to the kiddies

An unexpected Christmas gift.

What a surprise that would have been…

My son turned 14 the other day and he had 7 of his friends over for a sleep over after a trip to the movies and for something to eat.   I know, I know, at this point you are already probably shaking your head because yes you are right, it was a bloody stupid idea.

To be fair to them they are a pretty nice bunch of lads but that said they are still 14 year old boys and therefore also a huge pain in the arse.  As expected they were loud, they smelled awful and they all think they are most funny when they are not.  Even when they were still pissing about at 2 in the morning it was kind of expected so for the most part I just let them be.

The next morning though there was a rather unexpected surprise when I went into my Amazon account to order a last minute Christmas gift.  Seems they had been using the Amazon Alexa search and order functionality to pick up some last minute Christmas gifts themselves.

Below is just part of the Alexa search history and the item I found awaiting my check out.

Well at least the wife says it was them…

Such thoughtful boys…

screenshot_20181222-101033_amazon shopping233364193054641232..jpgscreenshot_20181222-101539_amazon alexa1069071908132573103..jpg

Up yours Christmas – 2 – I saw mummy

Dear Santa

I saw you kissing mummy underneath the mistletoe last night just like in the song which was very exciting. Or at least she said it was you.

I must say I didn’t know that there was a Jamaican Santa. You must get cold because you didn’t have a shirt or trousers on so will be having a word with my friend Kira who comes from Kingston and has never ever mentioned this.

I must say I do love your dreadlocks too.

I am surprised that mummy got any presents at all though because of how hard you were spanking her. She must have been very very naughty so its really kind of you to leave her something. Was it because she was begging for you to empty your sack so much? Probably right?

I don’t know why she was suggesting you dump everything down her chimney though because we live in Florida so dont have a fireplace. She has a terrible memory though and often forgets things like dinner and laundry . Was her forgetfulness why you kept asking her to say your name?

Anyway it was very kind of you to visit us especially because daddy is away with work so often.

Lots of love

James

P.s. She did actually share the presents with us even though you said she should take it all.

P.p.s She drank all the eggnog too I think because there was none left in the house but she did still have some on her chin. Greedy mummy.

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