NOT for the kiddies

Immature and inappropriate

The Haunted Wordsmith posted earlier and it tickled my fancy so I figured I would give it a crack.  The idea is to come up with the best lies to the questions below.  My lies are in BOLD.  Or are they lies?  Maybe they’re the truth and the truth is all just lies.

Deep eh 😉

Everyone thinks they know the story of Jack and Jill, but why did they really go up the hill?

Weed.  Jack was a serious toker and the hill gave him a great viewpoint in case the cops came by.  Jill brought snacks.  Be like Jill.


What was humpty dumpty sitting on and why?

A haemerroid ring.  Did you not know that he has serious piles from sitting on that cold fucking wall all day long.  They look like a freaking bunch of grapes just dangling from his little eggy anus.


What did Rapunzel let down?

Oh she let her hair down alright, that is why she was locked in that tower.  She was completely out of control when it came to princes and was secretly desperate to get a piece of any prince that was passing by.  Her parents locked her up there for her own good because she was getting a rep as a right little tease.  On and that wasn’t the hair from her head that she let down, she was famously hirsuite, if you know what I mean.  😉


What was Little Miss Muffet eating and what happened when the spider came down beside her?

Miss muffet had spend the afternoon with Jack and Jill so she was bloody starving and was eating porridge but she had already polished a ham, two chickens and a yard of sausage.  She was still tripping balls when the spider came down so she spent an hour talking existential shit before falling asleep and pissing herself.


Why was Hansel and Gretel sent into the woods?

To get some shrooms for Jack because Gretel had a bit of a thing for him and they were all going to get wasted together and see what happened.  Jill is a bit of a prude but you’d be amazed what people will do when they’re off their tits dancing with leprechauns.


Who really ate Grandma?

Everyone ate grandma when she was younger.  She would do just about anything for a picnic basket.  She makes Yogi Bear look vegetarian.

What did the Three Little Pigs build their houses out of?

Actually they rented as they were struggling to get a mortgage with the economy being in the state it was.  it wasn’t like they had a job or a deposit.  Unfortunately they had a pretty sketchy landlord who was just in it for the money and really didn’t look after the place which is why they came down so quickly.

What did Little Jack Horner pull out of the pie?

Himself.  Come on you know he did.  Times were harsh but they still ate it because it would be a good waste of pie and with the plague and everything you don’t know when the end will come so you really cannot be too picky about whether it has his special sauce in it or not.


What is the true story behind Cinderella?

She had to be gone by 12 because she was on probation for prostitution.  If she got caught cruising the palaces once more it was the stocks for her.

Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t his name…what was it?

Rumpledforeskin.  You’d have thought he’d have gone for something way different like Kyle or Luke maybe but he didn’t want to upset his mother.


Now off to bed with me to read stories to the kiddies

Author: Michael

Husband, dad,(ex)programmer, comic collector and proud Yorkshireman. I have no idea why im here or why im writing but i rather enjoy it. no great fan of punctuation;

8 thoughts on “NOT for the kiddies”

  1. Grandma was simply in touch with her needs. The fact that one weekend those needs involved all seven dwarfs, a narwhal horn and a gallon jar of mayo is perhaps a little troubling but each to their own I reckon.


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