It is here at least…
Once a lonely young fellow from China
on the net bought a plastic vagina
alas counterfeit wares
suffered bad penis tears
should have gone to Flesh Light, there’s none finer.
I now have a search on my laptop for best fake vagina. Bloody hell. Actually I also have one from this morning for symptoms of gonorrhoea. I think perhaps I may need to flush my cookies and search history just in case the kids have a go on my laptop. Or my wife.
It will clear up probably maybe.
On a business trip to Tanzania
chap I know came back with gonorrhoea
which he gave to his wife
now lives the single life
Oh the things that come from just one beer
Something a little different. There may be more they may not.
Did you have a good day? Perhaps you spent it with loved ones working on those important relationships in your life. Maybe you were fortunate enough to find yourself doing something exciting or uplifting or perchance you just put your feet up with a good book and a nice cup of tea.
Sounds lovely right, the wonderous ways one can spend ones time. I suppose that’s what the ability to choose provides isn’t it – options and variety – two things that I lack as much as I do eye lids.
Do you know what I did today? I doubt you will guess, but I will tell you anyway. Today I did bloody well nothing. I was left face down on the sofa with my arse in the air when they headed off and there I lay for the entire day. Have you any idea what that is like? I doubt it very much indeed. There is a madness that descends and makes you consider the most terrible things when faced with such an ordeal.
Despite being righted and enjoying a few cuddles before bed I remain consumed with the desire to witness a violent home invasion or even a drive by shooting. I don’t imagine drive byes are common in this neighbourhood but it would be jolly nice were a gang – perhaps Mexican – to suffer a sat-nav malfunction and open fire on the wrong address. I can just see them now arguing over directions in their crisp white vests and distinctive bandanas. How wonderful.
That assumes they use sat-nav. A bear can live in hope I guess.
Or maybe. Possibly. Actually it’s up to you I’m not the boss of you.
needs to go shopping
Ate the contents of the fridge
shared it with Jesus
Fancy one of these to start the day?
Once a lady of grace poise and style
with a wink and caress would beguile
round her finger she wrapped
foolish men, quite entrapped
and the things she could do with a smile
Not judging, just saying you know.
A public speaker form Balmoral
quite adept at the art of the oral
he would thrill, oh such fun
with the mouth and the tongue
god no! don’t go there- so immoral…
Sorry that’s a bit fake isn’t it. I’m trying to be positive…
Left curtains open
danced like nobody’s watching
awkward neighbour stares
Breakfast bagel perhaps?
Once a quite splendid baker, a Brummie
lovely baps, light croissants oh so scrummy
met a girl who get wet
at his wonderous baguette
and his muffin, dear god so so yummy
Sorry Japan. Really.
diagnosis aids.
silver lining and all that
At least you’ve lost weight
I have no idea why.
Now a chap I knew could not contain the things he daily ate
no matter what he had and piled so high upon his plate
He’d gorge and feed his hungry face, sweet scollops, cakes and trout
then suddenly without fair warning it would come back out
He’d dine on steaks and fries and eat a pizza with meat on it
then forcefully with gusto great came forth projectile vomit
A meagre mouthful would result in gagging and some retching
one time he even soiled his trousers, brown on cream – quite fetching
Okay so I will stop there. I recognise that sometimes I go a little far but this is just a bit weird. I think it was funnier in my head than I can actually do on paper. I then also got to thinking just what might make him so very unwell and think maybe he might just have a nervous disposition rather than it being an eating disorder. At that point I now find myself thinking that he would probably then just have stayed home which is pretty sad and the likelihood of him having a wife or girlfriend is pretty slim so it’s really just descending into a pretty sorry tale and all a bit depressing.
Seemed a shame to waste a good title and picture so I guess I will just leave it there. Feel free to finish it if you like.
Plus, there isn’t really a word that rhymes with hungry and even puke and barf are pretty limited so it was never going to end well.
Something a little different. There may be more they may not.
There are things you see that cannot be unseen, and when you are alone in the dark they play over in your head time and time again. Even when tucked up in bed I can still see what he did with the play-doh when she was away for the weekend at her mothers.
A few weeks later I had to endure a tea party with a friendly enough chap made out of blue and yellow, and no matter how hard I tried I could not look him in the eyes. In some ways it was pretty impressive and I had no idea something of that size would hold it’s shape without some sort of reinforcement.
It is not just what I see that fluffs my stuffing though, an inability to act is an equally frustrating thing indeed. Just yesterday the fellow from next door – the one with the paedophile hair-cut and revealingly tight jeans – popped over to see her when he was at work. Apparently he had an abundance of plums which he was concerned would go a little soft if left uneaten.
I think he has his eye on her if you ask me, though she didn’t seem interested despite his quite obviously ripe fruit.
Apparently she is going to make some jam.
It will be over in no time at all I assure you.
Till death them do part
though death comes in many forms
like the hot neighbour
Seems a suitable way to sum it up.
A young fellow in Bangkok did wonder
why the ladies packed hot trouser thunder
grew up Christian, protected
so he never expected
but too late, went ahead, pleasant blunder
Look, if I don’t write them down they go round and round in my head and that really is not a good thing at all.
A young couple loves garden were tending
every moment each day they were spending
and their love grew and grew
oh the things they would do
though she drew a clear line at rear ending
Look, if I don’t write them down they go round and round in my head and that really is not a good thing at all.
Once a fellow woke up on a Sunday
at his cold wife winked “Hey is it fun day?”
she declined his request
and insisted at best
a quick hand job on three weeks from Monday
A thing where I only write every second piece. Sorry it took so long to get back round to it.
A.P. (I am sure he has a name but for the purposes of this we shall go with A.P.) asked me if I fancied some sort of collaboration thing when he writes a piece then I follow.
I was asked to do this before and I wanted to and then I realised I have less time than I would like to really make an effort so I didn’t do it. Nothing has changed but this time I said yes and so A.P. goes and makes a quite eloquent and intriguing post and I figured I better get it done as it would be frightfully rude not to so I seem to have written the follow up piece below.
There weren’t really any rules other than he does a piece then I do.
The soldier part 4
The amber district is many things to many people, but not one those who call it home choose to do so. If it were a wife then it would be a stooped old crone with less sense than teeth, though possessing very little of both by most acceptable standards. Were it a friend then it would surely be the duplicitous wife stealer of a compadre with a taste for the warm wet crone mouth. Were it a husband then it would surely be the never home and whore addled…well you get the idea.
It was a most unpleasant place indeed and not somewhere that you would choose to spend your holiday or even a long weekend.
With no idea of where she ought to be Tes pulled the cowl of her cloak around her ears and with eyes downcast walked through the tall stone archway that lead to the main market. Unfamiliar smells assaulted her nostrils and made her eyes water and the buzz and bustle of the market filled her ears.
“Hey Darlin’” came a voice over the hubbub. “You after something special then?” Somehow she knew it was aimed at her and she couldn’t help but look over. “What can I get for you?”
He was dressed in the usual mix of rags and dirt of most of the people down here, his face worn and wrinkled. A broad smile met her as she looked up at him.
“No thank you “ she said nervously and turned away.
“Oh come on” he continued. “Whatever you need I can get for you. You after a young boy maybe?”
Tes shook her head.
“Girl?”
She turned slowly to face him again.
“I need neither thank you kindly and I would suggest that perhaps…”
“Oh blimey, I know you” he said raising a finger in her direction. “You really better be careful down here sweetheart there are those that might well not take kindly to you being here.”
Tes looked about worried, pulling her hood further over her face. He could see her nervousness and lowered his finger and spoke more quietly.
“You might want to come with me” he said his broad smile now gone from his face. “I think there’s someone you might want to see.”
Actually I think it’s still the middle of the night. Oh well.
Hot throes of passion
unbridled…unprotected
dull family sedan
The day has a ‘Y’ in it so that must mean another of these…
There once was a man from Phuket
beastly thing and he married a vet
how her pups made him shiver
rabbit made him so quiver
and her pussy well that made him sweat
I have no idea why.
Now it seems Ted has a passion for the trendy and for fashion
And the feel of fabric tight against his skin
Now he’s a manly man don’t doubt it but sometimes he cannot fight it
And into a little red dress he’ll slip in
Loves the way it makes him look just like a model from a book
Or so he tells himself so as to not feel weird
How it accentuates his form and no it might not be the norm
But he also thinks it goes well with his beard
He feels quite confident and hot and his wife doesn’t mind one jot
In fact she likes the way it makes his bottom look
Though as it’s rather sheer some things do stand out, oh dear
She suggest perhaps he might just try a tuck
So with his package put away and sexily his hips do sway
And he feels gorgeous and quite special, rather girly
Lips full they taste of cherry glass of wine he’s feeling merry
And to the bedroom leads the way his tuck unfurling
Something a little different. There may be more they may not.
I do not want to do this anymore and am wondering very much if there is a way out.
Whilst I realise it is my lot in life, and with my doleful eyes and thick creamy fur I am perfect for the job, my god you have no idea what it’s like. If I am lucky then I may get to enjoy a tea party or a picnic with some of the others but for the most part I simply have to sit and watch.
Now Ive seen Toy Story, and I would assure you that despite what you may think there are no playful shenanigans when you leave the room. I do not get to spoon with Barbie whilst cowboys and astronauts reach for the stars. Nor are there adventures to be had beyond the toy box. All we do is watch.
Now Some of you may be people watchers, and if so then good for you, but just imagine what it is like watching the same people day in day out. This isn’t some whimsical existence where I can wistfully imagine the life they have from a distance. No, this is a living hell where I have to witness every awful thing that goes on behind closed doors.
I often wonder which bastard created me because I can’t even close my frigging eyes.
Just yesterday I’d been left on the kitchen side and I had to watch him eating leftovers, straight from the fridge, naked in the middle of the night. He has an abundance of body hair which in itself is bad enough but what made it extra special was the way he still managed to scratch himself with a chicken drumstick in each hand. No wonder he spends so much time on the bloody toilet, anus chicken will do that to you every time.
If only I knew how to end it.
He really should have it looked at I am sure a doctor could fix it.
There’s a fellow I know that pees sitting
as the end of his dick has a split in
and it sprays uncontrolled
and he can’t hit the bowl
just no chance of him aiming and hitting
just a little something this fine Saturday.
Don’s U.S. now no more shines so bright
not the place to be if you’re not white
they lock kids up for fun
pay to hide what he’s done
but ‘Jesus forgives’ says the right
That said if you choose to eat more of them that is completely up to you.
doubts the best by date
sniff test, seems pretty fresh still
…butt turned inside out
Let’s go there eh. Might be fun.
Girl I know met this lad Richie
few months in though she got a bit twitchy
know’s he’s cheated, such trash
as she’s picked up a rash
and it smells and’s incredibly itchy
So strict yet most liberating.
Holiday romance
succumbs to sweet temptation
antibiotics
Afterwards 