people – Page 3 – Afterwards

Who would be so stupid?

Proof that there the stupidity of some people knows absolutely no bounds.

I am quite sure you have asked yourself this question at some point. let me show you how it works.

Surely millions of Americans will not vote for Donald Trump to become President, who would be so stupid?

The UK could feasibly vote to leave the EU, but surely not – who would be so stupid?

Makes sense right? The Seemingly impossible and illogical happening because you simply cannot begin to understand what people are capable of despite what you yourself might think. If the last few years have taught me anything it is never to be surprised and what people are capable of.

Let me give you another example. I am currently writing this from Portugal, having headed off with the family for a late holiday. Great place Portugal, lovely people, fabulous weather and only about three hours flight from the UK so perfect for a week away.

Imagine my surprise when, as we are checking in a family discover that they have come to the wrong airport. Serious. I mean how the hell do people with enough brains to book a holiday to the Algarve manage to get all the way to the airport, laden with luggage, boarding asses in hand to discover that they have gone to Manchester airport instead of Leeds/Bradford airport.

Not only did they turn up at the wrong airport but so organised were they that they had booked a hotel nearby so that they did not have to travel to the airport the next day but were instead close by to allow them to sleep as late as possible and not face into getting up in the middle of the night to get there for the early flight.

On top of the hotel they had also made provision for parking for the week at the airport. At which point did they not think to be absolutely certain which airport they were flying from.

Honest, what sort of people must these be? The type that would vote for Brexit or Donald Trump? Truly they must be a special kind of thick right?

I shall tell you what sort of people they are if you have not already figured out where I am heading here, they are people like my wife and I because that is exactly what we have done. Instead of heading to the airport close to where we live we simply assumed that we were flying from the airport that we have used for our last 3 holidays and went there instead. We printed off all the boarding passes and holiday documentation and at no point actually checked it. We simply knew we had booked and paid for a holiday, that the flight left at 8.15am and that we needed to be on it.

It’s an expensive to make trust me, and £600 of new tickets and a few tears later we were on an alternate flight and despite missing our transfer we still managed to get to the resort just as the shuttle we would have been on arrived at the hotel.

You just never know what people are capable of do you…

Get down off there you’ll hurt yourself

As it turns out some people need to be told not to eat their lunch whilst sat on the toilet.

I am not such an oaf that I am unaware that I can at times be offensive. At times I am intentionally so if I feel strongly that someone or some thing does not deserve to be respected or is perhaps so laughable that to expect anything other than my ridicule would be offensive to me. Today I am going to touch on something that falls into the latter category.

A friend of mine works at the head office of one of the UK’s largest retail banks, and in his early years with the company getting to head office was seen as the holy grail and something to be aspired to. The Bathrooms had real towels he tells me with some enthusiasm. Having worked here for a decade now it is with some sadness that he explained to me that as he looks back things are not always as they seem. The full scale of the decline of the dream was apparently summed up this week by the photo below which he took in the 4^th floor bathroom and sent to me with the caption “This is how the Roman Empire fell”.

Now I realise that people are different, and I do my damnedest to be nice I really do but who the hell needs a sign putting up telling you not to stand on the bloody toilet seat to take a shit? The health and safety risks are pretty obvious I would hope…Imagine you topple forward and knock yourself out and some poor bugger from the search party finds you arse up covered in nasty as he peers over the top of the cubicle. No one gets over that. And what sort of aim to you need to have to make a successful deposit perched atop a fragile plastic seat arms braced against the cubicle walls? I am sure it’s quite an achievement when you nail it but the state of most public toilets would speak to the number of unsuccessful drop offs.

My point here though is not to ridicule each of the etiquette points, as easy as that would be. Instead I’ll talk about what I did next because, to be honest, it just gets more and more surreal. I googled “Why do people stand on the toilet to take a crap” and spend the next hour reading some of the most ridiculous shit (quite literally) I have ever come across. Perhaps I am just ignorant and crass and a quite horrible human being for what I am going to write next, and if so then so be it – at least I know how to go to the toilet.

Did you know that there is one faith that believes you should enter the toilet with the left foot and leave it with the right? What if you have one or no legs – you just go in your trousers? Apparently some believe that if two chaps are taking toilet time in adjoining cubicles they should under no circumstances speak to one another. Maybe it’s just me but I appreciate a little noise if I am in a public loo, it disguises all manner of things. Oh and these two chaps are also not allowed to touch their genitals with their right hand, look at each others genitals or eat whilst evacuating themselves. What sort of people must they be to need rules that say don’t eat a sandwich with your trousers around your ankles whilst looking at another mans balls whilst he’s on the loo. Serious now…

There are at least two of the major faiths that insist on a little prayer after they’re all done, one of them apparently thanks their deity for “relieving them of the filth and giving them relief”. This will be why there are children suffering with Leukaemia and aids not being divinely healed – god’s too busy helping a billion plus perch on top of lavvy seat to take a dump.

Now I know one should not believe everything one reads on the internet, but if one page I read is to believed then it is absolutely critical for a man to place a cotton bud the size of a piece of barley inside his penis to avoid drippage post urination. What sort of twisted bastard god insists on that? Apparently you should perhaps walk, cough or lie on your left side to fully empty the urethra. Have you seen the state of a lot of toilets? So not only do you have a cotton bud rammed down the end of your manhood but your nice new jacket is covered in piss and shit from lying on the motorway toilet floor coughing.

Quite happy to retract or correct this if the internet is lying about all of this but I think maybe it isn’t. Oh, and don’t get me started on that holiday I took to Greece once where I had to put the filthy loo roll in a basket next to the toilet. Do you know how hot it is in Greece? It’s frigging sweltering and …actually I will just keep that for next time.

I’m sorry but some days I really do despair…

Harvest – 99 Word Challenge

The deal? A ‘Harvest’ based 99 word story using the picture above with the word as inspiration provided by the good folk at Carrot Ranch.

The deal? A ‘Harvest’ based 99 word story using the picture above with the word as inspiration provided by the good folk at Carrot Ranch. You should take a look, it’s a great space.

Henderson ran the pod through his fingers, pried it open and offered one small green pea to the blonde boy at his heels. “These are peas son” he said eating the other.

Charlie looked up, opened his mouth as his father dropped it inside. He chewed slowly then promptly spat it onto the ground. “Oh Charlie they’re lovely” his father said and split another pod, popping one into his mouth and offered Charlie the other.

Charlie shook his head and covered his mouth.

“That’s okay” his dad said smiling, “I didn’t like them when I was your age either.”

99 Words

More stuff?

Glorious – Daily Prompt

My neighbour Ifraheem

Your lunchtime limerick 19/9/17

A Pinch of Happiness

“Look at me boy” he snarled as Harley walked past, launching into another rant. “He will chastise you 7 times and you shall eat the flesh of you sons and daughters” he screamed.

In response to M’s writing prompt “A pinch of happiness”.

Harley was very much a man of habit. Each morning he would wake up at 6.45, hit the snooze button three times and then promptly into the shower where he would always use an exfoliating scrub. He liked the way it made his skin look.

He would then dress quite impeccably in a dark suit and pastel shirt, followed by a light breakfast of toast and orange marmalade whilst he checked his social media accounts and sent a good morning message to his partner who worked the early shift at the local hospital. A quick wash and dry of the plate and knife later and he would set off for work at precisely 7.45 a.m.

Monday to Friday the short walk to the underground was always punctuated by a stop off at the ‘Roasted Bean’ where he would have his usual skinny latte. He would smile at Rose, a pretty freckle faced girl, who would recognise him in the queue and ask how he was and he would always reply that he was fine thank you.

He was a good and kind man, loyal to his friends, faithful to his partner and wholly the sort of person you would very much like to live next to and he very much enjoyed his morning routine. It made him feel safe and in control. What he did not enjoy though was the short walk from the roasted Bean to the underground.

Every morning, stood on the corner just a short walk in the direction he was headed, stood a man who was very much everything that Harley was not. Under the dirt and long matted beard he was probably in his mid-fifties, but his blackened teeth and dark sallow eyes made it hard to tell. He would stand quite still holding a small polystyrene cup hoping for a few spare coins from the passers by, his clothes stained and torn and the stench of a lifetime of living on the streets filled the air around him.

As the morning masses streamed past with blank faces he watched them go by, mumbling to himself under his breath, only ever becoming animated at the sight of Harley. His eyes wide, spittle rained from his rancid mouth and he would spew a tirade of Old testament hate and bile as Harley approached, only stopping once Harley had crossed the busy road and disappeared down the tube station steps.

Harvey’s stomach lurched. “Here we go” he thought to himself.

“The people of Samaria must bear the guilt because they have rebelled against God” he shouted, pointing at Harley, “they will fall by the sword and their little ones will be dashed to the ground and their pregnant women ripped open!”

An old woman in a brown coat crossed the street to avoid him. Harley had tried that in the past but the man always followed him and he had given up. He had even tried different routes but the man always seemed to be there waiting, no matter which way he went.

Harley kept his eyes down and continued walking. The man seemed particularly vile today.

“See the day of the lord is coming” he continued as Harley drew close, his eyes wide and wild and a cruel smile spreading across his face “a day of wrath and anger and the infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes and their wives will be violated!”

Harley was now directly opposite him. The stench of piss filled his nostrils.

“Look at me boy” he snarled as Harley walked past, launching into another rant. “He will chastise you 7 times and you shall eat the flesh of you sons and daughters” he screamed.

Harley’s heart raced, his fists clenched. He never responded, ever, but today felt different. He turned and look damn you”ed at the man, continuing to walk slowly backwards.

“Shut the hell up!” Harley shouted back, “leave me alone damn you.”

The man laughed loudly and took a step towards him. “Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rock” he shouted grinning broadly and stabbing a filthy finger in Harley’s direction.

Harley continued moving backwards as the man sped up walking towards him.

“You’re mine boy” he yelled.

Harley was about to tell the man to go fuck himself but the words never got from his brain to his mouth. He heard a scream as he stepped backwards from the step and fell into the road.

The last thing that went through the mind of Harley Silver before his light was extinguished forever was the cackle of the man’s laughter.

It was different though, and for the briefest of moments he thought it sounded almost happy…

Photo courtesy of Leroy Skalstad @ Pixabay

More stuff? It isn’t all like that…Blanketed in bliss

Faeries: The long winter – Part 2

Crow and Sparrow

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world. Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

A fellow alas premature

in his loving, his wife quite demure

Said “I need you to last

and not be so damn fast

cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure

A woman got picked up and drugged

and a fellow got beaten and mugged

but I said to the wife

at least we’ve a good life

she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.

Chap in charge of the choir last spring

said he just loves to make the boys sing

“Do it harder and faster!”

said the old choir master

you really do have a nice ring

A fellow joined up and no doubt

true patriot so he shipped out

Lost his legs to a mine

had some made now he’s fine

and he always gets parked when hes out

A cheating wife knocked up oh dear

Told her hub she was faithful all year

But the couple are white

and the kid black as night

so he left her for chicks, meat and beer

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

The joy of saying stupid things 1.

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.

You know how people just say things? e all do it and today I think I shall mount my high horse and discuss one of those things people say quite casually that more than likely has its roots in some vague truth but is actually absolute drivel.

Now insist as much as you like, but I do not for one minute believe that laughter is the best medicine.

I am a firm believer that in fact, medicine is the best medicine.

Last year I had kidney stones, and as I lay there wishing for death to take me I can assure you that the last thing I wanted was to be regaled with humorous tales. What I wanted was drugs, and lots of them. Ideally I wanted them administered intravenously but I was quite open to the options of those taken orally or as suppositories.

In a near state of collapse as I was I would happily have allowed passing strangers to ram as many fist fulls of whatever took their fancy up my bottom if it came with the promise of even a modicum of relief.

Now I appreciate that there is an argument here on the effects of dopamine on the body, but my counter argument is that were I a syphilis infected crack fuelled man whore on death’s door then I would surely seek respite of an opiate nature in lieu of watching box sets of Black Adder.

Not yet convinced?

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man. Let’s call this man Ebeneezer. Now Ebeneezer has a son who, due to a most awful set of circumstances, is riddled with aids and malaria. Sadly he also suffers from malnutrition, his little belly so terribly swollen and his face crawling with flies. His son is in a rather terrible way and Ebeneezer calls for a doctor, and as it transpires the red cross are in the area and send one over straight away.

“Oh thank you doctor” says Ebeneezer gratefully, “please can you give my beautiful boy medicine to help with the pain?”

Now obviously what Ebeneezer is seeking is something to make his son comfortable, so you can imagine his consternation when he is instead presented with a DVD of the complete works of Monty Python.

“Watch this twice a day” says the doctor “and he will be right as rain in a jiffy.”

I imagine that Ebeneezer was not best pleased, especially given that Ebeneezer does not have a television, let alone a DVD player.

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun

Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

Rehash Saturday

I’ve been doing this for about a month now, and there are some posts from the first few days which have not really been seen by anyone. Now and again I think I shall share a few.

This one was one of the first ones I did in response to the daily prompt.

I loved writing this one – it was pointless and headed nowhere but I really enjoyed not having to have an ending or a beginning. Just a middle…

Michael

More? Try this or this…

Photo courtesy of pixabay

What has gone before

The slow passage of time

My crack at a 75 word piece on the picture of that rock up there for Friday Fictioneers

Before you I watched and I waited. Before trees and ice and flame I was alone and the world was silent and time passed without record.

I watched you crawl into existence with so much promise, and I witnessed fleetingly your true light and the beauty within.

But having everything was never enough for you, and you were consumed by your desires and the darkness that lurks in your hearts.

I do not miss you.

75 words! Boom!

Photo courtest of , c.e. ayr

Sunday Photo Fiction

A short piece about stupid people…

“We need to back love” Colin insisted, “we need to cross over then carry on on the other side of the road.”

“Jesus Colin” Carole replied tensely, “it’s like 20 metres, it will be fine – I am not going all the way back to the crossing back there!” she insisted, pointing back down the street. “I’m not going to go all the way back and around for 20 metres!”

” We need to be careful” Colin insisted meekly, “heavens knows why they’ve out that sign up. It could be dangerous honey.”

“It will be fine!” she insisted forcefully “I can’t see anyone working at all. Typical really, I bet they’re all drinking coffee for the umpteenth time today!” Carole had little time for most people, but layabouts – well they were a real pet hate.

Carole grabbed Colin’s arm forcefully “good god man, come on” she snapped. “My feet are killing and I want to get home” she insisted, dragging him after her.

He was just about to insist that this was a rather foolish course of action when he was interrupted by Carole’s terrified scream and a gruff voice shouting “LOOK OUT BELOW!”

The very last thing that Colin would see would be the look on Carole’s face, one he had seen many times before. it was the one that insisted that this was all his fault.

Photo courtesy of J Hardy Carroll

Want to read more of my stuff?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/2017/08/06/sunday-photo-fiction-august-6th-2017/

Family #writephoto

“Oh will it, will it” Jean snapped “remember when you said you could do that charity walk with the cricket club and you couldn’t walk for a week after”

“You are going to live In a what!?” her mother asked quizzically, peering over the rim of her glasses. She didn’t wait for an answer as it sunk in, she seldom did. “Did you hear that Ronald, did you hear where they’re going to live?”

“Yes Jean” he replied sounding rather tired, quickly folding his newspaper and scurrying to the kitchen to put the kettle on and to see if he could catch the football results on the radio.

“Mum, it will be fine, don’t worry ok.” said Leslie, she had expected this response.

“Do you still take sugar Leslie?” Ronald shouted from the kitchen as he fiddled with the radio.

“No thanks Dad, just milk please” she shouted back.

“Why on earth would you want do that dear?” Jean continued, “People like us don’t live in places like that.”

“We think it will be a wonderful opportunity mum, John has looked into it and we agree that it would be a great adventure for us and the kids”

“Do you want a biscuit Leslie?”

“No thanks dad” Leslie responded “I’m having dinner when I get home.”

“Ok, more for me!”

“Mum, I know it sounds a bit crazy but you’ll love it I promise.”

“Honestly Leslie, what will the reading circle ladies think. A windmill indeed.” She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “You know dear, I don’t think we could possibly visit you know, surely it’s full of steps. You know how your father is with his bad knee.”

“I’m sure it will be fine” came a contrary voice from the kitchen.

“Oh will it, will it” Jean snapped “remember when you said you could do that charity walk with the cricket club and you couldn’t move for a week after”

“Jean I will be fine.”

“Well don’t come crying to me begging for a lift when you can’t get to the pub because your knee is all swollen!” Jean folded her arms defiantly and lowered her tone. “I just think it’s frightfully selfish dear” she continued, “think of your father please.”

“Mum, it’s already done, John signed the papers and we move in in three weeks time.”

Jean said nothing as Ronald brought the tea through on a large round tray. He’d also brought biscuits. Ronald did like a nice biscuit with his cup of tea.

“So” aid Ronald cheerfully, handing Leslie a cup of tea. “Tell me all about this new house you’ve got yourself.”

Photo courtesy of Sue Vincent