laughter – Page 6 – Afterwards

Get well soon limericks

Get well soon.

To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post. Inspired by a comment by a reader at http://www.poetrummager.com who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you !

An infected promiscuous mate

Got aids from a lass on a date

He was once much much bigger

But now has a nice figure

Since infected he’s lost loads of weight

I saw your dad this afternoon

Heard your stomach looks like a balloon

And your bottom has leaked

But your temperature peaked

So I hope that you’ll feel better soon

Your mum said you just been for tests

For a lump that you found in your breast

Lets hope its not bad

Cos that happened to dad

And just after we laid him to rest

I saw your dad at the garage

said your scrotum is swollen quite large

Since you went to Bangkok

I bet it was a shock

When you saw the quite nasty discharge.

Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.

Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay

On placing veg in your bottom.

This just slipped out…next post will be more grown up promise

A chap from school who Id forgotten

got a vegetable lodged in his bottom

But he chose to do nowt

And it simply dripped out

A week later when it had gone rotten

OK…thats enough posts for today. Just needed to get that out before I forgot it. Seem to be on a roll.

Just one more post…

I have wanted to use the words “throbbing” and “Angela Merkel” in the same piece for some time. To be honest I would probably not bother reading this…

I can’t always muster anything too long when typing on my phone as its far too tricky but Im still awake and seems sleep is some way off.

It is half past midnight and I am in the Premier Inn in Scarborough with the wife and kids and the cocophony of the blissful sleep of others means that you get one more post. Pretty place Scarbrough. I wrote a post or two back why I am awake.

Anyway…my point was that I think I will just wrote one more piece. Perhaps something dirty about Donald trump and Angela Merkel.

Why? Since when did why matter?

How electric was her touch

proud Donald thought on meeting

He felt a stirring down below

As the Fraulein he was greeting

His mind it raced, perfume he smelled

So buxom quite devine

Strong back big hands delicious chins

He craved her “she’ll be mine!”

His mind it wandered, pulse it raced

He hungered for her touch

His little hands they craved to feel

Her German curves so much

Unable to control his needs

he turns Away from twitter

And sneaks away to please himself

Whilst hiding in the shitter.

“Oh Angela” he cries aloud

and dwells upon a kiss

Trousers round his ankles

Face contorted in pure bliss

OK I think I am going to bed this is just getting weird now.

Photo courtesy of 3dman_eu@pixabay

Late night limericks

A quick dose of inappropriateness

I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time. So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone.

A baker I know quite sublime

Made cakes pies and puddings most fine

Met a lass who he woo’d

with his sensual food

Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”

A fellow with wife rather bland

For insurance he schemed and he planned

But his plot came to nought

By the cops he was cought

Now in prison he gets nightly manned

Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer

What a weekend he had but i fear

That his wife will discover

His large breasted lover

When the tests come back with gonorrhoea

A hubby his wife sadly binned

But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned

Such a flatulent hag

She’d eat chilli, he’d gag

As it gave her quite horrible wind

They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!

Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.

A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com

Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.

A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.

I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here. I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him. Maybe it was that. It dd not last if you’re wondering.

Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way

Carl is foolish. Do not be like Carl. I’ll give you one more shall I. 4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.

Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/enamored/

The joy of saying stupid things 1.

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.

You know how people just say things? e all do it and today I think I shall mount my high horse and discuss one of those things people say quite casually that more than likely has its roots in some vague truth but is actually absolute drivel.

Now insist as much as you like, but I do not for one minute believe that laughter is the best medicine.

I am a firm believer that in fact, medicine is the best medicine.

Last year I had kidney stones, and as I lay there wishing for death to take me I can assure you that the last thing I wanted was to be regaled with humorous tales. What I wanted was drugs, and lots of them. Ideally I wanted them administered intravenously but I was quite open to the options of those taken orally or as suppositories.

In a near state of collapse as I was I would happily have allowed passing strangers to ram as many fist fulls of whatever took their fancy up my bottom if it came with the promise of even a modicum of relief.

Now I appreciate that there is an argument here on the effects of dopamine on the body, but my counter argument is that were I a syphilis infected crack fuelled man whore on death’s door then I would surely seek respite of an opiate nature in lieu of watching box sets of Black Adder.

Not yet convinced?

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man. Let’s call this man Ebeneezer. Now Ebeneezer has a son who, due to a most awful set of circumstances, is riddled with aids and malaria. Sadly he also suffers from malnutrition, his little belly so terribly swollen and his face crawling with flies. His son is in a rather terrible way and Ebeneezer calls for a doctor, and as it transpires the red cross are in the area and send one over straight away.

“Oh thank you doctor” says Ebeneezer gratefully, “please can you give my beautiful boy medicine to help with the pain?”

Now obviously what Ebeneezer is seeking is something to make his son comfortable, so you can imagine his consternation when he is instead presented with a DVD of the complete works of Monty Python.

“Watch this twice a day” says the doctor “and he will be right as rain in a jiffy.”

I imagine that Ebeneezer was not best pleased, especially given that Ebeneezer does not have a television, let alone a DVD player.

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun

Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

Rehash Saturday

I’ve been doing this for about a month now, and there are some posts from the first few days which have not really been seen by anyone. Now and again I think I shall share a few.

This one was one of the first ones I did in response to the daily prompt.

I loved writing this one – it was pointless and headed nowhere but I really enjoyed not having to have an ending or a beginning. Just a middle…

Michael

More? Try this or this…

Photo courtesy of pixabay