Another day another limerick.
Another day another lunch time limerick.
A cheeky young lass from Djabouti
buxom, curvaceous, such beauty
she was caught in the park
with a ginger lad, mark
who brought sausage and whipped cream, so fruity!
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
Image courtesy of pixabay
Another day another limerick.
Another day another limerick. True story and so sad but see how the limerick form makes it just a little less sombre…
A chap’s lovely young bride named Jane
had a tumor alas in her brain
she died, you can tell
he’d insured her quite well
bought a quite lovely villa in Spain
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
Image courtesy of pixabay
Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.
What shall we look at today…hmmm
A church going chap who loved learning
one day felt a rather strong yearning
he’d enjoyed fifty shades
now feels wholly depraved
and wakes up every day with loins burning
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
Image courtesy of pixabay
Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.
Yes, it is that time again…
A virginal groom of low worth
just 5 inches, got married in Perth
wedding night, all revealed
with delight his bride sqeualed
was not length that he’d measured but girth
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
Image courtesy of pixabay
To enjoy with your lunch…
Jerome, a young fellow from Brugge
Had a passion for bobsleigh and luge
In Lycra he dressed
Ladies swooned most impressed
As his bulge was eyewateringly huge
That’s it…just one…already got a blinder in mind for tomorrow using the word “girth”
Get well soon.
To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post. Inspired by a comment by a reader at http://www.poetrummager.com who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you !
An infected promiscuous mate
Got aids from a lass on a date
He was once much much bigger
But now has a nice figure
Since infected he’s lost loads of weight
I saw your dad this afternoon
Heard your stomach looks like a balloon
And your bottom has leaked
But your temperature peaked
So I hope that you’ll feel better soon
Your mum said you just been for tests
For a lump that you found in your breast
Lets hope its not bad
Cos that happened to dad
And just after we laid him to rest
I saw your dad at the garage
said your scrotum is swollen quite large
Since you went to Bangkok
I bet it was a shock
When you saw the quite nasty discharge.
Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.
Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay
This just slipped out…next post will be more grown up promise
A chap from school who Id forgotten
got a vegetable lodged in his bottom
But he chose to do nowt
And it simply dripped out
A week later when it had gone rotten
OK…thats enough posts for today. Just needed to get that out before I forgot it. Seem to be on a roll.
just a few thoughts before I start the day
Just a few thoughts on the hotel before we head out and see what the day has to hold.
Other peoples kids
Drunkards bouncing down the hall
Flatulent neighbours
Four people one room
A night time cocophony
Really need a nap
Lying in my bed
Inches from another soul
In another room
Please shut your kids up
Next time we go up market
Tired and grumpy
Right…im off for an ice cream and to dip my toes in the icy north sea. I will let you know how it goes.
I have wanted to use the words “throbbing” and “Angela Merkel” in the same piece for some time. To be honest I would probably not bother reading this…
I can’t always muster anything too long when typing on my phone as its far too tricky but Im still awake and seems sleep is some way off.
It is half past midnight and I am in the Premier Inn in Scarborough with the wife and kids and the cocophony of the blissful sleep of others means that you get one more post. Pretty place Scarbrough. I wrote a post or two back why I am awake.
Anyway…my point was that I think I will just wrote one more piece. Perhaps something dirty about Donald trump and Angela Merkel.
Why? Since when did why matter?
How electric was her touch
proud Donald thought on meeting
He felt a stirring down below
As the Fraulein he was greeting
His mind it raced, perfume he smelled
So buxom quite devine
Strong back big hands delicious chins
He craved her “she’ll be mine!”
His mind it wandered, pulse it raced
He hungered for her touch
His little hands they craved to feel
Her German curves so much
Unable to control his needs
he turns Away from twitter
And sneaks away to please himself
Whilst hiding in the shitter.
“Oh Angela” he cries aloud
and dwells upon a kiss
Trousers round his ankles
Face contorted in pure bliss
OK I think I am going to bed this is just getting weird now.
Photo courtesy of 3dman_eu@pixabay
Proof that a dog is indeed mans best friend
Word prompt : I tried to say goodbye – written in response to Michelle’s prompt at her sites Putting My Feet in the Dirt & Her Writing Haven.
I tried to say goodbye today
But you wagged your tail and barked
And followed me as I set off
And chased me through the park
So back I walked and took you home
This time I would ensure
the wife who I’d left home in bed
Would all the gates secure
“You’ll not believe just who got out!”
I shout and summarise
The story of our dogs escape
But oh to my surprise…
It seems my pooch has helped me out
My wife is not alone
It seems he’s not the only one
Who rather loves a bone.
I have neither a dog nor a promiscuous wife by the way, just in case you wondered. 🙂
A quick dose of inappropriateness
I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time. So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone.
A baker I know quite sublime
Made cakes pies and puddings most fine
Met a lass who he woo’d
with his sensual food
Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”
A fellow with wife rather bland
For insurance he schemed and he planned
But his plot came to nought
By the cops he was cought
Now in prison he gets nightly manned
Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer
What a weekend he had but i fear
That his wife will discover
His large breasted lover
When the tests come back with gonorrhoea
A hubby his wife sadly binned
But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned
Such a flatulent hag
She’d eat chilli, he’d gag
As it gave her quite horrible wind
They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!
These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…
I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.
A lonely chap I know named Dom
bought an internet bride, it went wrong
because when she appeared
big hands, penis and beard
he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com
Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.
A woman’s rich husband was boring
Old, obese, dull with bad snoring
said “just do what you will
and Ill pick up the bill”
so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.
I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here. I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him. Maybe it was that. It dd not last if you’re wondering.
Carl does not like condoms he says
and convinces the ladies he sways
“Im catholic you see
withdrawal method for me!”
6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way
Carl is foolish. Do not be like Carl. I’ll give you one more shall I. 4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.
Young lovers eloped and got hitched
after time his desires they switched
Now it’s gone really bad
and he fancies her dad
‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/
Just a few haiku, but no t so serious…
Dream guy, takes him home
so magnetic and charming
turns out hes married
Passion overwhelms
the neighbours call the police
curtains were open
married ten years
what happened to romance. She:
close the bathroom door!
Chinese for dinner
kung po pork or king prawn foo?
all tastes same to me
I hate you haiku
syllables, five seven five
screw you I’m doing six
Day one of diet
Went for a massive curry
ill start tomorrow
want something different?
Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…
Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…
Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world. Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
A fellow alas premature
in his loving, his wife quite demure
Said “I need you to last
and not be so damn fast
cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure
A woman got picked up and drugged
and a fellow got beaten and mugged
but I said to the wife
at least we’ve a good life
she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.
Chap in charge of the choir last spring
said he just loves to make the boys sing
“Do it harder and faster!”
said the old choir master
you really do have a nice ring
A fellow joined up and no doubt
true patriot so he shipped out
Lost his legs to a mine
had some made now he’s fine
and he always gets parked when hes out
A cheating wife knocked up oh dear
Told her hub she was faithful all year
But the couple are white
and the kid black as night
so he left her for chicks, meat and beer
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/
Be wary of strangers on the internet, just saying…
The rules of this challenge are pretty simple, create a Haiku, a Tanka or a Haibun on the subjects of Shadow and Light. I try these each week, let’s see how this week’s efforts turn out shall we. I’m going to try be serious, honest. I know they’re meant to be about nature and such but I do like to use them to try and tell a shortened story too.
Ill start with a haiku…
He craves her darkness
His light consumed by her will
Turns out shes a man
Hmm…not sure where that came from? Maybe some more detail added through the medium of a Tanka, pretty much a haiku with extra lines expressing my feelings on the first 5 lines. But I don’t think its strictly a rule.
He craves her darkness
His light consumed by her will
Turns out shes a man
A Nigerian you say?
Cannot get his money back
Ok, so as a story it’s evolving., I am not allowing myself the luxury of a rewrite, I’ll see where it all goes in the Haibun. Never done one of these before and it’s late so might play loose with the rules a bit.
The endless click of the keyboard, day and night, reaching out with twinkling eyes and sweet smile. Lonely hearts embraced and dreams force fed foul lies and rancid hope. Offers of that which is lost, never had or which remained unknown are his to freely give and without compassion he loves and lusts and smiles at family photos and brushes his hair from his face and tells you how shy she is. A first thought with the sun, and good nights murmured into salty pillows bookend the time apart and the minutes until they will be together at last. They are lines he has used many times over, but well worn and trusted they pull at heart strings and ignite passions satisfied in the night.
He craves her darkness
His light consumed by her will
Turns out shes a man
A Nigerian you say?
Cannot get his money back
Cold beers, new clothes and food on the table, you are a good boy – you make your mother proud. Each day is full of promise, each night opportunity presents itself ripe and ready to be plucked and devoured with sweet juice covered chins laughing. Flights are costly, but can you put a price on love.
Well that all turned out a bit weird didn’t it. Oh well, it is what it is. Bed time!
There are some previous efforts here
Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 45 – #Tanka: Honey and Wine
Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 44 – #Haiku: HUNT & FIND
Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place.
Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place, prison abuse and the evils of drugs. All of which I know absolutely nothing. Remember, It’s not big and it’s not clever…any of this.
A lass at our work called Tallulah
Approached a young lad with a ruler
proclaimed “Three and a half”
He:”You’re having a laugh,
and it’s cold so do not let that fool ya”!
A young lad caught fiddling the books
got locked up with the rapists and crooks
spent his days filled with dread
frightful thoughts in his head
pretty mouth, lovely hair, rugged looks
A woman I knew, Enid Black
smoked some weed for an ache in her back
then she dabbled in coke
which she got from “some bloke”
Now spends all day selling boobies for crack
There was another here but I think it goes too far but I struggle with boundaries…so if you choose to read it you have to scroll and scroll and scroll.
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
Husband wants rape sex role play
“Bloody hell no!” says wifey “No way!”
“That the spirit!” he cries
all ‘Trumpesque’ grabs her thighs
Now hes single, in jail, wife turned gay
The point of these? I cant remember to be honest, I think perhaps it’s turning into a defiling of the haiku form really.
Some days the best I can muster is a handful of rather poor and inappropriate haiku. Today is one of those.
For volume 1 and volume 2 click on the clicky things.
The point of these? I cant remember to be honest, I think perhaps it’s turning into a defiling of the haiku form really.
First day of diet
ate a whole box of meringues
maybe tomorrow
Bottle of vodka
turns out I’m not the batman
seems I cannot fly
Wakes up, strange bed, her
Face like a thick pool of sick
damn beer goggles
Kids used my toothbrush
scrubbed the toilet bowl with theirs
dysentery, oops.
Not sure about these
Off to research haiku verse
I’m sorry Japan
For something a little more pleasant you might possibly like this…
Following a drunken discussion at the pub.
I would not eat a panda
it does not appeal to me
Despite it being grass fed
and not tough and quite juicy
It’s flesh I would not sauté
bake or broil or steam or fry
I would not make some pastry
and then bake it in a pie
Please do not serve me blue whale
it would surely be obscene
To brown it in a skillet
with chopped garlic and some cream
I could not sample blow hole
or a steak of flesh most pink
Do not prepare me sperm whale
or an orca or a mink
Bald Eagle’s off the menu
it could never pass my lips
I’d never shallow fry it
And then serve it with some chips
Please do not bring it to me
if you do I will reject
The smorgasbord of tasty
claws and wings and beaks and necks
Be gone you furry entrée
do not ask me to abide
A puppy stuffed with kitten
and Koala on the side
It leaves me feeling queasy
and on me it does repeat
I gag on eucalyptus
flavoured mar-su-pi-al meat
I’d never eat a chilli
made of simians for sure
Orang-utan with lentils
that I surely would deplore
I’d not enjoy chim-pan-zee
milk poached with fresh vanilla
I’d rather eat a salad
than bar-be-cued gorilla
But pig and cow I’ll gorge on
and chickens fill the belly
Once eels I even sampled
But the hot ones not in jelly
So why’s each species different
some not headed for the pot
whilst others we eat freely
quite delicious cold or hot
——————————————————–
Fancy something else?
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. How did I do?
On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself.
Last Monday I explored the idea of the inappropriate Haiku which you can read here.
Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. So, can the limerick be sad? Perhaps you’d like to leave your own in the comments?
A young lad I knew as a senior
he got cancer, I think ’twas leukaemia
the treatment it failed
he got thinner and paled
and then died and his wife got bulimia
My dad was a drunk and a cheat
every weekend my mother he beat
took her cash to do drugs
bringing home sluts and thugs
’till we all ended up on the street
First time we met how I tried
not to love, but I made her my bride
then the marriage it failed
when her sister I nailed
Took her life, overdose, suicide
My dog, my best friend always true
dedicated to me through and through
Drunk, I left the door wide
and she ran straight outside
got ran over and died now I’m blue
A chap that I know who loves choir
had to quit giving up his desire
he could not harmonise
when he lost both his eyes
and his tongue when he fell in a fire
I think I’ll stop there, I’m not sure that I’m trying hard enough to make them sad. Or maybe I should blame the limerick, either way I hope it’s not too inappropriate and I think it goes to show that even the most serious of subjects find some lightness in a limerick.
Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/
On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself and simply do something stupid.
On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself and do something different. I normally like to dabble with a variety of fiction pieces but Not on Monday, oh no
The challenge of packing emotive imagery into 17 syllables is quite a test, which is perhaps why they seem so daunting and often so very serious. A limerick on the other hand is quite the opposite, filled with such joy and whimsy.
Today I shall attempt to write some haiku that are not serious at all serious.
Hot spicy curry
Arse like a Japanese flag
oh no not again
In the house naked
Wife and kids on vacation
Beer for breakfast
Leaving work in shame
Stomach flu going around
Gambled on a fart
Wife screams in horror
Dogs humping in the garden
Cover children’s eyes
Loud knock at the door
Dancing in the house naked
Police “Close curtains!”
Want to read more of my stuff?
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/
>A fellow from Bangor I met
Had a shirt that was soaked through with sweat
As he’d been on the run
From a priest and a nun
And a Bishop whos wife he got wet
>A lady with bosoms aplenty
Proved a hit with the men of the gentry
They succumbed to her wiles
And her winks and her smiles
But to church she was oft refused entry
>A chap met a lass in a bush
Passion and lust what a rush
Pulses raced what a thrill
As they rolled on the hill
Until doctor confirmed he had thrush
>A wife bored at home with burst pipe
Hastily scrubbed with a wipe
As the plumber quite handy
Made her head swim like brandy
She was ready for plucking, quite ripe
>Please do not show these words to the wife
I really do not want the strife
“A grown man should man should know better,
your kids cold read this letter…
writing slightly rude rhymes, get a life!”
Today I shall sit in my chair
and write a poem of despair
or something deep or maybe sad
but nothing fun and nothing glad.
With teenage angst perhaps I’ll write
of when my jeans became too tight
or of my hair when it fell out
or of last Saturday’s beer drought.
Ill dim the lights and play whale songs
and bemoan all the world’s wrongs
and type about my slow net speeds
of morning traffic hell in Leeds
Ill hug myself and watch the rain
wear baggy clothes and spout my pain
That time TIVO missed GOT
or of my boats main sail ripped in ’03
My pain is shared so now you feel
the things I do that make me real
Perhaps you’ll like to show you care
my tale of woe, pain and despair
I woke one day only to find
Aliens probing my behind
Imagine if you will my shock
Lying undressed bar just one sock.
Now I’m not the type of chap to moan
but I’d only just set off for home
from work when there to my surprise
An alien vessel fills the sky.
And after that it’s quite a blur
I recall a creature with blue fur
and a cold insertion twixt my thighs
and tears streaming from my eyes.
Then nothing until I awoke
On a metal slab with another bloke
who struggled wildly to get free
and looked just as surprised as me.
And there we lay for quite a while
imprisoned by these creatures vile
until they entered fur and claw
with tails that dragged across the floor.
I blurted out “I must protest
I need to get this off my chest!”
They simply blinked big eyes and peeked
inside my new friends bottom cheeks.
“Now please forgive my attitude
I do not mean to be so rude
but bloody hell this is not fun
please do not rummage in his bum!”
No response, they weren’t aware
it was as if I was not there
they seemed intent on exploration
to my compatriots consternation.
“Now come on really must you poke
inside the bottom of that bloke?
What is it you hope to find
secreted inside his behind?”
I felt an anger from way down
that they’d picked me when leaving town.
Who would believe a humble tailor
with tales of an alien Impaler.
“I’ve hear you lot are so obsessed
with getting people quite undressed
then delving into their hind quarter
is that what your mother taught ya?”
I’m riled, enraged, my dander rising
“Please just stop my butt cheeks prising
and let me go back to my wife
I’m late, not called, and in real strife!”
I know not if it was my words
but my request it seems was heard
and soon they would to my pleas yield
and drop me off in a corn field.
I know not why they chose to take
folk such as us and prisoners make.
Folk laugh when I of my tale speak
how I cold not sit for a week.
One day perhaps I’ll understand
why people all across the land
are probed by these fowl creatures blue
today was me, tomorrow you?
Take heed in case one day you find
an alien in your behind
your wife doubting just where you’ve been
accusing you of deeds obscene
with strangers you picked up in town
finger pointing face a frown
“Think of the kids, please don’t get drunk
and let folk fiddle in your trunk”.
Afterwards 