Your lunchtime limerick 9/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Another day another lunch time limerick. 


A cheeky young lass from Djabouti

buxom, curvaceous, such beauty

she was caught in the park

with a ginger lad, mark

who brought sausage and whipped cream, so fruity!


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 


Image courtesy of  pixabay

Your lunchtime limerick 8/9/17

Another day another limerick.

Another day another limerick.  True story and so sad but see how the limerick form makes it just a little less sombre…



A chap’s lovely young bride named Jane

had a tumor alas in her brain

she died, you can tell

he’d insured her quite well

bought a quite lovely villa in Spain


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 


Image courtesy of  pixabay

Your lunchtime limerick 7/9/17

Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.

What shall we look at today…hmmm


A church going chap who loved learning

one day felt a rather strong yearning

he’d enjoyed fifty shades

now feels wholly depraved

and wakes up every day with loins burning


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 


Image courtesy of  pixabay

Your lunchtime limerick 6/9/17

Looks like lunch time limerick has become a thing…sorry.

Yes, it is that time again…


A virginal groom of low worth

just 5 inches, got married in Perth

wedding night, all revealed

with delight his bride sqeualed

was not length that he’d measured but girth


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

Sparrow and Snake #writephoto

Faeries: The long winter

More tea vicar ? 


Image courtesy of  pixabay

Get well soon limericks 

Get well soon.

To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post.  Inspired by a comment by a reader at who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you ! 


An infected promiscuous mate

Got aids from a lass on a date 

He was once much much bigger 

But now has a nice figure 

Since infected he’s lost loads of weight 


I saw your dad this afternoon 

Heard your  stomach looks like a balloon 

And your bottom has leaked 

But your temperature peaked 

So I hope that you’ll feel better soon 


Your mum said you just been for tests 

For a lump that you found in your breast

Lets hope its not bad

Cos that happened to dad 

And just after we laid him to rest 


I saw your dad at the garage 

said your scrotum is swollen quite large 

Since you went to Bangkok 

I bet it was a shock 

When you saw the quite nasty discharge.


Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.

Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay

On placing veg in your bottom.

This just slipped out…next post will be more grown up promise

A chap from school who Id forgotten 

got a vegetable lodged in his bottom 

But he chose to do nowt

And it simply dripped out 

A week later when it had gone rotten 


OK…thats enough posts for today.  Just needed to get that out before I forgot it. Seem to be on a roll.

Hotel haiku

just a few thoughts before I start the day

Just a few thoughts on the hotel before we head out and see what the day has to hold.

Other peoples kids 

Drunkards bouncing down the hall

Flatulent neighbours 


Four people one room 

A night time cocophony 

Really need a nap 


Lying  in my bed 

Inches from another soul 

In another room 


Please shut your kids up 

Next time we go up market 

Tired and grumpy 

Right…im off for an ice cream and to dip my toes in the icy north sea.  I will let you know how it goes.

Just one more post…

I have wanted to use the words “throbbing” and “Angela Merkel” in the same piece for some time. To be honest I would probably not bother reading this…

I can’t always muster anything too long when typing on my phone as its far too tricky but Im still awake and seems sleep is some way off.

 It is half past midnight and I am in the Premier Inn in Scarborough with the wife and kids and the cocophony of the blissful sleep of others means that you get one more post.  Pretty place Scarbrough.  I wrote a post or two back why I am awake.

Anyway…my point was that I think I will just wrote one more piece.  Perhaps something dirty about Donald trump and Angela Merkel.


Why? Since when did why matter? 

How electric was her touch 

proud Donald thought on meeting 

He felt a stirring down below 

As the Fraulein he was greeting 


His mind it raced, perfume he smelled 

So buxom quite devine 

Strong back big hands delicious chins 

He craved her “she’ll be mine!”


His mind it wandered, pulse it raced 

He hungered for her touch 

His little hands they craved to feel 

Her German curves so much 


Unable to control his needs

 he turns Away from twitter 

And sneaks away to please himself 

Whilst hiding in the shitter.


“Oh Angela” he cries aloud 

and dwells upon a kiss 

Trousers round his ankles

Face contorted in pure bliss 

OK I think I am going to bed this is just getting weird now. 

Photo courtesy of 3dman_eu@pixabay

I tried to say goodbye.

Proof that a dog is indeed mans best friend

Word prompt :  I tried to say goodbye – written in response to Michelle’s prompt at her sites Putting My Feet in the Dirt & Her Writing Haven.  

I tried to say goodbye today

But you wagged your tail and barked 

And followed me as I set off 

And chased me through the park


So back I walked and took you home

This time I would ensure 

the wife who I’d left home in bed

Would all the gates secure 


“You’ll not believe just who got out!”

I shout and summarise 

The story of our dogs escape 

But oh to my surprise…


It seems my pooch has helped me out 

My wife is not alone 

It seems he’s not the only one 

Who rather loves a bone.


I have neither a dog nor a promiscuous wife by the way, just in case you wondered.  🙂

Late night limericks 

A quick dose of inappropriateness

I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time.   So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone. 

A baker I know quite sublime 

Made cakes pies and puddings most fine 

Met a lass who he woo’d

with his sensual food 

Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”



A fellow with wife rather bland 

For insurance he schemed and he planned 

But his plot came to nought 

By the cops he was cought 

Now in prison he gets nightly manned  


Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer

What a weekend he had but i fear 

That his wife will discover 

His large breasted lover 

When the tests come back with gonorrhoea



A hubby his wife sadly binned

But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned

Such a flatulent hag

She’d eat chilli, he’d gag 

As it gave her quite horrible wind 


They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!

Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.



A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked


Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.



A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.


I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here.  I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him.  Maybe it was that.  It dd not last if you’re wondering.


Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way


Carl is foolish.  Do not be like Carl.  I’ll give you one more shall I.  4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.



Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched



Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

Screw you haiku – Volume 5

Just a few haiku, but no t so serious…


Dream guy, takes him home

so magnetic and charming

turns out hes married


Passion overwhelms

the neighbours call the police

curtains were open


married ten years

what happened to romance.  She:

close the bathroom door!


Chinese for dinner

kung po pork or king prawn foo?

all tastes same to me


I hate you haiku

syllables, five seven five

screw you I’m doing six


Day one of diet

Went for a massive curry

ill start tomorrow




want something different?

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Faeries: The long winter

Armitage – Part 1

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?

A fellow alas premature

in his loving, his wife quite demure

Said “I need you to last

and not be so damn fast

cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure


A woman got picked up and drugged

and a fellow got beaten and mugged

but I said to the wife

at least we’ve a good life

she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.


Chap in charge of the choir last spring

said he just loves to make the boys sing

“Do it harder and faster!”

said the old choir master

you really do have a nice ring



A fellow joined up and no doubt

true patriot so he shipped out

Lost his legs to a mine

had some made now he’s fine

and he always gets parked when hes out



A cheating wife knocked up oh dear

Told her hub she was faithful all year

But the couple are white

and the kid black as night

so he left her for chicks, meat and beer



Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.





Colleen’s Weekly Poetry Challenge #47: Shadow & Light

Be wary of strangers on the internet, just saying…

The rules of this challenge are pretty simple, create a Haiku, a Tanka or a Haibun on the subjects of Shadow and Light.  I  try these each week, let’s see how this week’s efforts turn out shall we.  I’m going to try be serious, honest.  I know they’re meant to be about nature and such but I do like to use them to try and tell a shortened story too.

Ill start with a haiku…


He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man


Hmm…not sure where that came from? Maybe some more detail added through the medium of a Tanka, pretty much a haiku with extra lines expressing my feelings on the first 5 lines.  But I don’t think its strictly a rule.


He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man

A Nigerian you say?

Cannot get his money back 


Ok, so as a story it’s evolving., I am not allowing myself the luxury of a rewrite, I’ll see where it all goes in the Haibun.  Never done one of these before and it’s late so might play loose with the rules a bit.


The endless click of the keyboard, day and night, reaching out with twinkling eyes and sweet smile.  Lonely hearts embraced and dreams force fed foul lies and rancid hope. Offers of that which is lost, never had or which remained unknown are his to freely give and without compassion he loves and lusts and smiles at family photos and brushes his hair from his face and tells you how shy she is.  A first thought with the sun, and good nights murmured into salty pillows bookend the time apart and the minutes until they will be together at last.  They are lines he has used many times over, but well worn and trusted they pull at heart strings and ignite passions satisfied in the night.

He craves her darkness

His light consumed by her will

Turns out shes a man

A Nigerian you say?

Cannot get his money back 

Cold beers, new clothes and food on the table, you are a good boy – you make your mother proud.  Each day is full of promise, each night opportunity presents itself ripe and ready to be plucked and devoured with sweet juice covered chins laughing.  Flights are costly, but can you put a price on love.


Well that all turned out a bit weird didn’t it.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Bed time!

There are some previous efforts here

Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 45 – #Tanka: Honey and Wine

Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge # 44 – #Haiku: HUNT & FIND

Screw you haiku Vol 4

More miserable and inappropriate limericks – Not for the kiddies

Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place.

Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place, prison abuse and the evils of drugs.  All of which I know absolutely nothing.     Remember, It’s not big and it’s not clever…any of this.

A lass at our work called Tallulah

Approached a young lad with a ruler

proclaimed “Three and a half”

He:”You’re having a laugh, 

and it’s cold so do not let that fool ya”!



A young lad caught fiddling the books 

got locked up with the rapists and crooks

spent his days filled with dread

frightful thoughts in his head 

pretty mouth, lovely hair, rugged looks

A woman I knew, Enid Black

smoked some weed for an ache in her back 

then she dabbled in coke 

which she got from “some bloke” 

Now spends all day selling boobies for crack


There was another here but I think it goes too far but I struggle with boundaries…so if you choose to read it you have to scroll and scroll and scroll. 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

































Husband wants rape sex role play

“Bloody hell no!” says wifey “No way!”

“That the spirit!” he cries

all ‘Trumpesque’ grabs her thighs

Now hes single, in jail, wife turned gay


Screw you haiku vol 3

The point of these?  I cant remember to be honest, I think perhaps it’s turning into a defiling of the haiku form really.

Some days the best I can muster is a handful of rather poor and inappropriate haiku.  Today is one of those.

For volume 1 and volume 2 click on the clicky things.

The point of these?  I cant remember to be honest, I think perhaps it’s turning into a defiling of the haiku form really.

First day of diet

ate a whole box of meringues

maybe tomorrow

Bottle of vodka

turns out I’m not the batman

seems I cannot fly

Wakes up, strange bed, her

Face like a thick pool of sick

damn beer goggles

Kids used my toothbrush

scrubbed the toilet bowl with theirs

dysentery, oops.

Not sure about these

Off to research haiku verse

I’m sorry Japan


For something a little more pleasant you might possibly like this…

On the matter of eating endangered species

Following a drunken discussion at the pub.

I would not eat a panda

it does not appeal to me

Despite it being grass fed

and not tough and quite juicy

It’s flesh I would not sauté

bake or broil or steam or fry

I would not make some pastry

and then bake it in a pie


Please do not serve me blue whale

it would surely be obscene

To brown it in a skillet

with chopped garlic and some cream

I could not sample blow hole

or a steak of flesh most pink

Do not prepare me sperm whale

or an orca or a mink


Bald Eagle’s off the menu

it could never pass my lips  

I’d never shallow fry it

And then serve it with some chips

Please do not bring it to me

if you do I will reject

The smorgasbord of tasty

claws and wings and beaks and necks


Be gone you furry entrée

do not ask me to abide

A puppy stuffed with kitten

and Koala on the side

It leaves me feeling queasy

and on me it does repeat

I gag on eucalyptus

flavoured mar-su-pi-al meat


I’d never eat a chilli

made of simians for sure

Orang-utan with lentils

that I surely would deplore

I’d not enjoy chim-pan-zee

milk poached with fresh vanilla

I’d rather eat a salad

than bar-be-cued gorilla


But pig and cow I’ll gorge on

and chickens fill the belly

Once eels I even sampled

But the hot ones not in jelly

So why’s each species different

some not headed for the pot

whilst others we eat freely

quite delicious cold or hot


Fancy something else?

A collection of hopefully sad limericks.

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny.  My aim is to do quite the opposite. How did I do?

On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself.  

Last Monday I explored the idea of the inappropriate Haiku which you can read here

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny.  My aim is to do quite the opposite.  So, can the limerick be sad?  Perhaps you’d like to leave your own in the comments?

A young lad I knew as a senior

he got cancer, I think ’twas leukaemia

the treatment it failed

he got thinner and paled

and then died and his wife got bulimia

My dad was a drunk and a cheat

every weekend my mother he beat

took her cash to do drugs

bringing home sluts and thugs

’till we all ended up on the street

First time we met how I tried

not to love, but I made her my bride

then the marriage it failed

when her sister I nailed 

Took her life, overdose, suicide

My dog, my best friend always true

dedicated to me through and through

Drunk, I left the door wide

and she ran straight outside

got ran over and died now I’m blue


A chap that I know who loves choir 

had to quit giving up his desire 

he could not harmonise 

when he lost both his eyes 

and his tongue when he fell in a fire 

I think I’ll stop there, I’m not sure that I’m trying hard enough to make them sad.  Or maybe I should blame the limerick, either way I hope it’s not too inappropriate and I think it goes to show that even the most serious of subjects find some lightness in a limerick.

Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

Screw you Haiku

On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself and simply do something stupid.

On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself and do something different.  I normally like to dabble with a variety of fiction pieces but Not on Monday, oh no

The challenge of packing emotive imagery into 17 syllables is quite a test, which is perhaps why they seem so daunting and often so very serious.  A limerick on the other hand is quite the opposite, filled with such joy and whimsy.

Today I shall attempt to write some haiku that are not serious at all serious.


Hot spicy curry

Arse like a Japanese flag

oh no not again


In the house naked

Wife and kids on vacation

Beer for breakfast


Leaving work in shame

Stomach flu going around

Gambled on a fart


Wife screams in horror

Dogs humping in the garden

Cover children’s eyes


Loud knock at the door

Dancing in the house naked

Police “Close curtains!”


Want to read more of my stuff?

Dash – a collection of hastily scribbled limericks – Daily prompt


>A fellow from Bangor I met

Had a shirt that was soaked through with sweat

As he’d been on the run

From a priest and a nun

And a Bishop whos wife he got wet


>A lady with bosoms aplenty

Proved a hit with the men of the gentry

They succumbed to her wiles

And her winks and her smiles

But to church she was oft refused entry


>A chap met a lass in a bush

Passion and lust what a rush

Pulses raced what a thrill

As they rolled on the hill

Until doctor confirmed he had thrush


>A wife bored at home with burst pipe

Hastily scrubbed with a wipe

As the plumber quite handy

Made her head swim like brandy

She was ready for plucking, quite ripe


>Please do not show these words to the wife

I really do not want the strife

“A grown man should man should know better,

your kids cold read this letter…

writing slightly rude rhymes, get a life!”

Sail – A Tenuous Daily Prompt

Today I shall sit in my chair

and write a poem of despair

or something deep or maybe sad

but nothing fun and nothing glad.


With teenage angst perhaps I’ll write

of when my jeans became too tight

or of my hair when it fell out

or of last Saturday’s beer drought.


Ill dim the lights and play whale songs

and bemoan all the world’s wrongs

and type about my slow net speeds

of morning traffic hell in Leeds


Ill hug myself and watch the rain

wear baggy clothes and spout my pain

That time TIVO missed GOT

or of my boats main sail ripped in ’03


My pain is shared so now you feel

the things I do that make me real

Perhaps you’ll like to show you care

my tale of woe, pain and despair

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt


I woke one day only to find

Aliens probing my behind

Imagine if you will my shock

Lying undressed bar just one sock.


Now I’m not the type of chap to moan

but I’d only just set off for home

from work when there to my surprise

An alien vessel fills the sky.


And after that it’s quite a blur

I recall a creature with blue fur

and a cold insertion twixt my thighs

and tears streaming from my eyes.


Then nothing until I awoke

On a metal slab with another bloke

who struggled wildly to get free

and looked just as surprised as me.


And there we lay for quite a while

imprisoned by these creatures vile

until they entered fur and claw

with tails that dragged across the floor.


I blurted out “I must protest

I need to get this off my chest!”

They simply blinked big eyes and peeked

inside my new friends bottom cheeks.


“Now please forgive my attitude

I do not mean to be so rude

but bloody hell this is not fun

please do not rummage in his bum!”


No response, they weren’t aware

it was as if I was not there

they seemed intent on exploration

to my compatriots consternation.


“Now come on really must you poke

inside the bottom of that bloke?

What is it you hope to find

secreted inside his behind?”


I felt an anger from way down

that they’d picked me when leaving town.

Who would believe a humble tailor

with tales of an alien Impaler.


“I’ve hear you lot are so obsessed

with getting people quite undressed

then delving into their hind quarter

is that what your mother taught ya?”


I’m riled, enraged, my dander rising

“Please just stop my butt cheeks prising

and let me go back to my wife

I’m late, not called, and in real strife!”


I know not if it was my words

but my request it seems was heard

and soon they would to my pleas yield

and drop me off in a corn field.


I know not why they chose to take

folk such as us and prisoners make.

Folk laugh when I of my tale speak

how I cold not sit for a week.


One day perhaps I’ll understand

why people all across the land

are probed by these fowl creatures blue

today was me, tomorrow you?


Take heed in case one day you find

an alien in your behind

your wife doubting just where you’ve been

accusing you of deeds obscene


with strangers you picked up in town

finger pointing face a frown

“Think of the kids, please don’t get drunk

and let folk fiddle in your trunk”.