Tag: humour

Part 1 Part2  Part 3 Part 4

Just remember, when you think nobody is watching and you do those things you ought to be ashamed of me and my kind are around and we do not have the luxury of forgetting.

In fact, we have surprisingly long memories.

I know a Steiff bear called Gerald who I met at the park a while back who is to this day still traumatised by what he saw someone do with a lukewarm cheese fondu and a packet of cocktail sausages back in the seventies.  He says things were different back then and were willing to try all sorts but the dead look in his eyes tells me that he has seen too much.

So next time you stand in front of the fridge in the middle of the night scratching yourself and then eating cold mashed potatoes with your hands think again.  I would claw your face off if I could but alas I have to suffer watching you handle raw poultry in an unhygienic fashion and then wonder why the toilets are always blocked and the kids aren’t at school because they gambled on a fart.

Seriously, just think okay – we all have to live in the same house and it wouldn’t hurt you to think of others now and then.

Part 1 Part2  Part 3

I like to think that I am a fairly optimistic sort, given my situation.  Yes, I will admit to occasionally succumbing to dark thoughts but given mu situation I would hope that you might appreciate the effect such things can have on you.

Take today for example.  Everything was going pretty well and I had been left in the kitchen and forgetting to turn off the radio I was able to listen to the cricket.  India had England under pressure but I remained hopeful given the time left in the day.  She is working upstairs in the office and all is good in the world.

Until he arrived.  You know the one, the plum smuggler.  He popped over on the basis of something I care not one jot to recall and actually had the audacity to manhandle me.  Apparently I am a rather cute bear.  I swear to god his breath smelled very much like a dildo.

And before you ask I have it on very good authority after that time I was left upstairs and he had been away with work and she had taken to drinking and watching ‘Magic Mike’.  For a while after she tried to get him to dance for her but he tripped and fell on his erection one night after she tried to get him to shake it a little too rigorously and he ended up in accident and emergency.

Turns out you can’t break your dick despite his assertions to the contrary.

Anyway, they ruined a perfectly good afternoons cricket.  Bastards the lot of them.

Part 1 Part2

Did you have a good day?  Perhaps you spent it with loved ones working on those important relationships in your life.  Maybe you were fortunate enough to find yourself doing something exciting or uplifting or perchance you just put your feet up with a good book and a nice cup of tea.

Sounds lovely right, the wonderous ways one can spend ones time.  I suppose that’s what the ability to choose provides isn’t it – options and variety – two things that I lack as much as I do eye lids.

Do you know what I did today?  I doubt you will guess, but I will tell you anyway.  Today I did bloody well nothing.  I was left face down on the sofa with my arse in the air when they headed off and there I lay for the entire day.  Have you any idea what that is like?  I doubt it very much indeed.  There is a madness that descends and makes you consider the most terrible things when faced with such an ordeal.

Despite being righted and enjoying a few cuddles before bed I remain consumed with the desire to witness a violent home invasion or even a drive by shooting.  I don’t imagine drive byes are common in this neighbourhood but it would be jolly nice were a gang – perhaps Mexican – to suffer a sat-nav malfunction and open fire on the wrong address.  I can just see them now arguing over directions in their crisp white vests and distinctive bandanas.  How wonderful.

That assumes they use sat-nav.  A bear can live in hope I guess.