A limerick about a really poor business model

Yet another…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Pioneer said, “Eureka, a plan

I’ll keep pigs on a farm in Iran!

Get your pork” he did shout

“Sausage, bacon and snout”

So they stoned him and blamed the Quran

An inappropriate limerick

All a bit wrong

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

 

Chap I know met this lass on the net

Got him hot and into quite a sweat

The reveal was a shock

Turned out she had a cock

(And some big hairy balls I would bet


 

Yup, yet another limerick

A real who dunnit…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a widow in black at the grave

For her husband did cry, being brave

But when home she’d rejoice

At the fear in his voice

When with candle his head she did stave

He Deserved it I am sure…

A limerick because why not!

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


A fellow rotund, barrel chested

Would snore loudly in bed when he rested

‘till his wife cracked and screamed

Bashed his head as he dreamed

She slept soundly in jail when arrested

 

Yet another limerick

A limerick about Andy’s rather dirty wife

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once in Rhyll lived a plumber called Andy

had a wife who when drunk got quite randy

she was game, full of wine

and on beer quite devine

but my god what a tramp when on brandy

 

Another limerick

Just a little silliness in this sea of seriousness

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Friend of mine met a woman called Wendy

who he claimed was incredibly bendy

to applause, whoops and cheers

legs tucked behind her ears

Oh my god! The photos he once sent me

 

 

A limerick or two.

Not what it seems I assure you.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a fellow from Afghanistan…

Okay so I have failed tonight.  I tried a couple of places right and ended up choosing Afghanistan, and Tehran and Pakistan thinking I would go a little further afield.  As a second line though, no matter how hard I tried all I could think of was these people packing their families up into a van.  No matter where I tried to go these poor buggers ended up squashed in the rear of an old battered pickup.

They weren’t going anywhere nice though, not on a holiday or anything.  They weren’t even going to the shops to pick up some of whatever people would go to the shops to buy in Afghanistan.  Probably toilet roll and crisps like everyone everywhere else on the planet.

No, I had them in a van, accompanied by a goat doing their damnedest to not be where they were.   What do I know about these places I then ask myself.  Not enough probably – they might be perfectly happy in Tehran shopping for magazines and orange cordial and pillows.

I get I can be ignorant, I suppose we all can be.  I might have to do a bit of research and then – if it turns out I was right  – then I will happily pack them into a van and  have my way with them.

 

 

 


More revolting limericks

limericks to make you roll your eyes and make tutting noises.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


There once was a butcher named Chuck

would sell any old meat for a buck

he’d sell dachshunds as steak

sell you minced rat and steak

‘stead of chicken you’d get pigeon or duck

 

There once was a Baker call Ned

quite a perv, things he did with the bread

doughnut holes…yeah believe it

used his bits to achieve it

late at night he’d take croissants to bed

 

 

A fellow, a candlestick maker

had a wife who in bed was a faker

so he took to his bed

brought his work home instead

now quite easy for him to placate her

 

 


 

 

 

 

Your lunchtime limerick 03/02/17

Inappropriate and just a bit…meh

There once was a chap who loved cake

so much so that for sponges he’d ache

for panache he would pine

for gateau most sublime

fell  in love with a lass who could bake

 

It’s saturday…not my best day for limericks.  


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I don’t have a dog called Caper – Daily prompt

I tried to say goodbye.

You did what to my Gran!?!?

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limericks 02/02/17

 

Once a prudish young woman named Jude

Had a belly that seemed to protrude

It turned out to be gas

Cos she not let her ass

pass wind as he found it quite rude

 

I once worked with a woman called Cath

Didn’t shower and seldom did bath

god the stench from her pits

Tits and rank naughty bit

It’s not funny you so shouldn’t laugh

 

 

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limericks 01/02/17

Limericks? In the middle of the day? Surely not…

There once was a teacher named Tash

Who one day she did sprout a moustache

Cross her lip it did wend

And curl up at the end

Joined the circus and made loads of cash

 

There once was a farmer maned Bert

Loved his milk cows so much that it hurt

Went too far, made me shudder

What he did with that udder

Let’s just say that it caused quite the squirt…

 

There once was dancer called Shirley

Who’s pubes were quite thick and most curly

It was full and so plush

A most seventies bush

Who’d have thought for a creature most girly

 

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Boom! Tuesday limericks baby!

You should not like them but you will…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


That title is a bit over the top isn’t it.  Sorry.

 

A fellow quite fond of a spank

Gave up his well paid job in the Bank

Now he spends each day addled

High on coke getting paddled

By a 6ft tall angry blonde yank

 

There one hailed a man from Peru

Without pork he simply could not do

He could not live without

Daily servings of snout

Curly tails, pointy ears, trotters too

 

Orange man king of U S of A

Cannot stand the poor, sick, black or gay

God forbid you’re all 4

He will kill you for sure

Just as soon as he gets his own way

 

 

 


More revolting limericks

Crass and inappropriate

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

 

There once lived a man in Phuket

kept an elephant calf as a pet

treat it rather quite bad

it grew large and got mad

squashed him flat, left a smear, rather wet

 

An old lady qho rather loved cats

lived alone in a tall block of flats

died alone at her place

and the cats ate her face

decomposed, then was fed on by rats

 

A chap on vacation in Delhi

drank the water and god a bad belly

he would cry scream and shout

as he turned inside out

quite disgusting and rather quite smelly

 


 

 

 

 

Sir Brian of the Small Hands

Its not really all it seems

Its a tale, old and true, through the ages to you

a man good, brave and noble quite grand

he’s from stories of old, and songs sung and yarns told

stout of heart but alas such small hands

 

From when he was a lad, he would say to his dad

One day I,  will for sure, be a knight

But alas his dad feared and he scratched his long beard

Not convinced that in fact his son might

 

For his hands so quite small, even though he was tall

And a sword he could surely not hold

It would fall from his grip, to the ground it would slip

Left defenceless alone in the cold

 

“Perhaps it’s not for you” , said his dad, his heart blue

“Maybe you should consider your trade

Jesters are in demand and with your tiny hands

You would surely have your fortune made

 

You can dance, perform tricks, they will laugh, give you tips

You can jape, as they point at your fingers

Dressed as harlequin king, telling jokes then you sing

Of the Celts cross the sea, all such gingers

 

Okay so I will stop there.  Ever start a post and persist and persist and then realise you’re wasting your time?  Well this was one of those.  For some reason I got into my head that a poem about a knight with small hands called Brian would be a good idea.  I like to think I am pretty creative but beyond the title that is all I had.  I started to write and got a few nicely rhymed bits done and then kind of backed myself into a corner.

Instead of stopping what I did was keep going which was a bad idea because beyond King, knight and jester I wasn’t wholly convinced of what other jobs you’d have in medieval times.  Priest?  Blacksmith?  Boil Lancer?  Pot Emptier?  So another bad idea there obviously.

I did toy with the ridiculous and there will forever be remembered the missing verse where I discussed just how much bigger things seem when held in small hands.  I thought for a while that it was funny then realised it sounded like it involved a child’s hands and a grown mans…well you know.  I quickly deleted it.

I was then going to try and make it some sort of political commentary on Donald Trump which just made me think that I should perhaps shut the hell up because there are limits to weirdness and an allegorical tale about Donald Trump through the medium of a small handed knight is just stupid.

So this is it.  A lesson in knowing when to say enough is enough because as much as you might like your title and the noble looking photo you found on pixabay sometimes there just aren’t enough words to rhyme with hands…

 

Maria the Cake Wrangler

Not sure where that came from…

Ive a story to tell, settle down listen well

Tis a tale of a woman of needs

And the cravings inside, which have made her quite wide

And the treats upon which she so feeds

 

Now Maria’s her name, and cake wrangling’s her game

Shes a pro, every day on her lips

Whether Gateau’s or pies, small or massive in size

Cream and chocolate into her mouth drip

 

She’s mad for banoffee, and small cupcakes with coffee

She’ll do things rather dirty for choux

Muffin gobbler is she, has cream horns with her tea

Panettone?  Just a portion or two

 

Of red velvet she’ll dream and she quaffs it with cream

And then onto some sweet baklava

She hides brownies in bed, and loves sweet pumpkin bread

Stashes souffle down inside her bra

 

Doughnuts, pancakes and tarts, cookies shaped just like hearts

And on shortbread she eats quite her fill

Gives hand jobs for yum yums, taste so sweet on her tongue

For a fruit cake she’d happily kill

 

For no matter the treat, just as long as it’s sweet

Our Maria she needs to eat more

Sponge cake, jam filled with cream they’re an absolute dream

The cake wrangler can’t help but adore

Limericks. Surprise! Din’t see that coming did you …

One’s about putting marrows in one’s bottom…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a woman quite fond of baguette

just the shape brought her out in a sweat

the soft inner, hard crust

filled her mind with such lust

and a footlong, well that made her wet

 

 

There once hailed a plumber from Goole

Who did not work on loos as a rule

See they made him unwell

Could not handle the smell

God forbid he should witness a stool

 

A gardner, big veg fan from Leeds

quite depraved in his sexual needs

how he loved to shove marrow

in his passages narrow

then would eat them, apart from the seeds

 

 


Limericks. Again.

I’ll get bored of them eventually I am sure. Maybe…

 

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


There once hailed a priest from Manilla

who turned out was a serial killer

Though on Sundays he’d rest

with the saved and the blessed

Then on Monday, kill whores, what a thriller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

The day has a ‘Y’ in in. Must mean limericks.

On the matter of meat, probing and D

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


There once was a butcher from Crete

had a love of fish, poultry and meat

gorged on legs, wings and chops

haggis eggs and roll-mops

burgers, sausage and steaks such a treat

 

 

Fan of X-Files insisted he’d been

by some aliens, sucked up in a beam

stretched his bottom quite wide

as they probed deep inside

the poor chap what they did was obscene

 

 

Once a POTUS who claimed “It’s fake news”

hates the poor and the blacks but likes Jews

grabs your wife by the V

then he showers in Pee

supports racist right wing and their views


Limericks on sombre topics.

Another day, more limericks

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


Ballet dancer who got rather plump

so much so that she barely could jump

All the cookies and pies

they went straight to her thighs

when she did she came down with a thump

 

Once a Gent with a craving for women

went to watch them and spied on them swimming

he emerged ,they screamed “Weirdo!”

at the bulge in his speedo

didn’t help, the lip licking and grinning

 

Once a Donald with cravings for females

banged a porn star, ensuring no blackmail

paid her off, hundred K

“Doesn’t matter” he’ll say

“Not as bad as Clinton and her email!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Limericks written in the car…

Waiting for the kids to finish school

I haven’t had much time write anything today as I have been rather busy doing stuff, but I did have a wee gap when picking the kids up from school and had the words Denise and Cheese rattling around in my head and needed to get them out so even more limericks.  I think the second may be my one of my best ever.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

Friend of mine met a woman, Denise

Super hot but alas smelled like cheese

Tried quite hard, could not bed her

As she smelled just like cheddar

Gorgonzola, blue Danish and Bries

 

There once was a chap quite humongous

Never bathed, in his rolls he grew fungus

In his chins you’d find mould

Sweat would pool in each fold

In his crack nasty filth in abundance

 

There was a woman called Kate

Who would eat every crumb on her plate

She would nibble from others

From her parents and brothers

Now quite round and she cant find a date

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/