Tag: christmas

Dark Christmas – Nice

Theres someone in your house and he means to do you harm…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Red clad he stalks outside your home

He sneaks in while you sleep

Your kids he watches in their beds

through frosted windows peeps

 

You lock your doors and fasten shut

Your windows for you dread

Into your home he will still come

And find you in your bed

 

He looks for reasons, punishment

Will follow have no doubt

If you raise you voice or dare to cry

And god forbid you pout

 

For down your chimney he will come

His clothes all stained with black

And lingers in your living room

There with his bulging sack

 

He spills his goods upon your floor

They’re all the things you need

All wrapped with bows and glittery

The symbols of your greed

 

And unto him you pledge yourself

And worship at his throne

To him you pledge eternal self

Until he calls you home

 

Then in his workshop you will slave

and he feeds upon your pain

and day and night you’ll toil until

December comes again

 

Dark Christmas – Journey

Christmas with a little something extra thrown in just because…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

With a hey and a ho

To Bethlehem they go

Cos it seems theres some count or some such

And he grumbles and moans

Of the distance he groans

And the stress he is finding too much

 

Cos she wont give him none

but she’s now 9 months gone

and insists she’s not been with another

she persists it’s not lies

that it came from the skies

he’s convinced that she’s been with his brother

 

He had wanted to leave

But no one would believe

She’s a cheat and she won’t meet his need

So he’s stuck, trapped he feels

As his wife she reveals

That god’s filled her right up with his seed

 

“Oh come on he insists

Do you think I am pissed”

Grabs the donkey and loads her on board

“If it looks like my brother

Then Im telling my mother

That you lied and that you are a fraud”

“Babe I promise” she sighs

“It was god twixt my thighs

I’d not cheat” and she feeds him a grape

But he rants quite aggrieved

And he just wont believe

“You ask me, sounds a whole lot like rape!

 

“Oh sweet Joe” and she smiles

And she charms with her wiles

And he sighs, his hot loins are still urging

He’d  just wanted some fun

Now she’ll soon be a mum

Him a dad, but they’re both still a virgin

 

His friends think that he’s mad

And will soon be a Dad

To a kid which he didn’t create

And he feels quite forlorn

And it soon will be born

and he’s trapped and this really ain’t great

 

So they take to the road

Donkey carries the load

And he thinks, “guess I’m stuck this is it”

They ride into the night

And a star it shines bright

His heart heavy and feeling quite shit…

Tales of Tinsel – Room 101

101 words with a twist thrown in just because…

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.  I know I said I was done with them.  I lie.

Slowly Damien sneaked downstairs, not daring to breathe.  He’d heard something, and he was convinced it was him!  Christmas lights twinkled as he entered the room, his heart pounding, and there he saw a bearded, round bellied man silhouetted against the moonlight.

He had him!

“Sant…” he began to shout when suddenly he noticed two bodies lying unmoving on the floor.  He knew from the matching reindeer slippers it was mum and dad.

The man stepped grinning from the darkness carrying a large sack and raised a gun with his free hand and pushed it into Damien’s chest.

“Merry Christmas kid…”

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Christmas job satisfaction ain’t what it used to be…

It’s beginning to feel a lot like go screw yourself!

 

A fat bellied fellow who is often quite mellow

‘till it comes to the end of the year

Hits December quite stressed and things all seem a mess

And he’d kill for a steak and a beer

 

But alas he must graft and the toys he must craft

As the list don’t diminish in size

Thick and fast they demand on his doorstep they land

Letters bulging with needs long and wide

 

And he says to his wife “Baby this ain’t no life”

“Lets just quit and go live somewhere warm”

She replies “Oh my dear, we are bound up I fear

With the contact to which you are sworn”

 

He protests and he pouts and he stomps and he shouts

Insists “Amazon can do it just fine,

Or the Chinese perhaps, theyre industrious chaps

And their margins are better than mine”

 

“Oh dear Nick you sweet man you just do what you can

More than that you can surely not do”

And she gives him a hug and she makes him a mug

Of hot chocolate and a biscuit or two

 

Then he stomps back to work mumbling “god what a jerk”

As a letter he reads, just received

Me me me it insists as he reads through the list

Its so long its quite hard to believe

 

“No no no” Nick protests “I think it would be best

To go see this young chap straight away”

But his wife calms him down , “Babe just put on your gown

Head up stairs I’ll be there straight away”

 

As they climb into bed she caresses his head

Says “Now Nick you just need to remember

They’re just children with needs, ok some with pure greed

But you know what it’s like each December

 

It’ll be over soon and fore long will be June

And well take a few weeks, go away

Maybe go see some sights and we’ll spend a few nights

Somewhere nice you can pick where we stay”

 

And he grumbles and sighs and then smiles and his eyes

have that twinkle she knows what comes next

“You’re a star, and you’re right” then he turns out the light

Cos its time for some hot Christmas sex

 

Sorry about the ending, I’m tired and need to get to sleep 😊

Just a quickie

Zoom zoom zoom

I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.  

There once was a Farmer of note

had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat

Neighbours frowned, disapproved

as they did acts quite lewd

“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote

Wrong I know but stuff happens.  I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.

A chap I know finds Santa scary

with his beard so big white and hairy

and his bulging great sack

and his lock picking knack

Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary

anyway moving along swiftly.  Let’s end with a Donald one.  If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.

There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums

wives and sisters and aunties and nuns

You’ll be next, not discreet

he will send off a tweet

share his conquest of you with his chums

Goodnight 🙂

 

Screw you haiku volume…6?

Driving made me super gay

Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge

Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay

 

 

Screw you, one and all.

Its probably wholly inappropriate and in rather poor taste. I’d not read it really.

To Everybody

I write this letter with some regret, though not much if I am to be honest.

I, Kris Kringle, hereby tender my resignation and would notify all concerned that I will be ceasing all and any Christmas related activities henceforth and with immediate effect.

Though there are many reasons for this decision, and it is not one that I take lightly, I have for the most part simply had enough and fancy a bit of a change.

The magic of Christmas seems now lost on so many and I no longer feel the support of the people I have for so long served, and I believe they would be best served by Amazon or Ebay or maybe just sending a really nice card or a letter saying something nice you don’t really mean.

The main reason though is the recent controversy my actions have attracted.  As I have repeated publicly on a number of occasions, and I would again insist right now, Elves are not children –  despite their stature.  The incident of March the 3rd this year so widely reported in the media was consensual and under the supervision of Mrs Kringle herself who is rather fond of that sort of thing.

I still contend strongly that there should be no bias against human elf relations.  I do not recall such an outcry when Aragorn and Arwen declared their love for one another, and they most certainly did not have to contend with people prying into their homes with long range telescopic lenses.  With hindsight perhaps we should have closed the curtains, but I am old fashioned and still believe in respecting the privacy of others – despite my day job.

Due to this hypocrisy, I must now work under the scrutiny of child services until they are satisfied that the welfare of my elves is no longer a matter for concern, and this is not a something that I am willing to tolerate for one day longer.

Whilst I accept that I am a public figure, what happens between consenting men and elves should be their business alone.  Despite the disapproval of so many sections of society it comforts me that I have found acceptance in some of the more niche communities on the dark web and my wife and I are proud of the fact that we are now widely attributed with being the creators of the “Upside Down Elvish Spit Roast” and the “Pixie Pile Driver”.

I know the children will be disappointed, but their demands have become most unreasonable in recent years and where once there was joy in building toys for them and seeing their little faces light up on Christmas morning these days we are mostly subcontracting to shoddy far east electrical suppliers who use child labour.  Whilst it is true that small hands make light work,  on balance I am probably doing children a favour.

I hope that you are able to secure a replacement for my position, perhaps the Chines might fancy it – they have the manpower and distribution channels I am sure.  For me, I am going to take a few weeks off and catch up on Game of Thrones and then my intention is to open a vape shop in California.  If you ever fancy a new bong or an electric cigarette pop by, I’ll do you a great deal.

Best Regards

KK

 

 

Photo courtesy of free-photos @ pixabay