Just a quickie…but you know it’s coming soon don’t you.
Christmas looms very near on horizon
and the kids make their lists, things they’re prizin’
let the feeding begin
’till I grow a new chin
and my waist it increases in sizin’
Just a wee something…
This is in response to M’s fabulous prompts which you can see here. These used to be 101 words. Sometimes they still are. Sometimes not. They are often snippets, occasionally unfinished and sometimes simply the beginnings of something for another time. I think for the rest of the month I will do really simple poems…maybe.
Soft to the touch plush velvet thick
he wakes, smooth on his face
and all alone heart races quick
and darkness fills the place
He calls but muffled is his voice
And nothing stirs without
In confines tight he strains to move
They cannot hear him shout
Red bleeding nails they scratch and claw
His voice calls loud as thunder
Alone beneath the earth he lies
Just roughly six feet under
https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2018/11/01/november-writing-prompts/
Hallelujah!
Realisation
emerges, charade no more
looks fab in gold shorts
What a perfectly normal post. feels odd really. Even a little dirty, like I’m role playing being an adult…
Right so there’s just about time to do another month of whole30 before Christmas give or take a day. The last few months have been a bit on off for all manner of reasons but I am feeling motivated to have another round and get things back on track.
Looking back I feel so much better that I did when I started in July with my energy noticeably improved, I am sleeping better and obviously weight wise it has been a winner too. I have discovered all sorts of things I enjoy to eat (I’m looking at you here guacamole) and my family are enjoying some of the benefits too but I do think I could have done better.
So for the next 30 days I am going to do my damnedest to give it one big push and I shall share the experience more often that just weekly…Might be tricky in the run up to Christmas but if I can do it until the 24th then I know I can do it any time.
So how has today gone? Well I missed breakfast as was on the school run and straight after I popped to do some grocery shopping. I decided to stay away from red meat but did stock up on fish and a little chicken too. I bought a ton of vegetables and already had lots of fruit in too.
For lunch I made a salad with mackerel, tomoatoes, onion, salt and pepper and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice and you know what, it was bloody gorgeous. For those that like to count calories the fish was about 330 and the other bits take it to maybe 500 in total. I also had an apple, a pink lady, which is my favourite. The mackerel is just the sort that is vacuum packed so probably not perfectly whole30 but meh, I was shopping at LIDL it’s hardly the easiest place to shop…
Anyway, taste wise it was fabulous and as I have half a pack of the fish left I am going to have it for my tea tonight too.
The biggest challenge today has been resisting the rice pudding sat in the fridge that I made yesterday. I did it with paella rice and oh god it is so delivious, especially this time of year when its so chilly out, but resist I did 🙂
Michael
Screw you Monday
Once a chap with a loin stiffening craving
for large women with beards, he’d start raving
Hed explode with a splash
at a chick with a tash
hairy chins get him badly behaving
When temptation rears it’s cheese covered head
Okay so it’s going to be a challenging day. I am afraid to head downstairs right now…
Last night I had a few friends over to play poker and have a few drinks. I was mostly restrained and had a small pizza, thin crust, and just two beers and a couple of rum and ginger ales. Oh, and a few snacky things, but nothing major and whilst not Whole30 I was kind of finished with the last 30 days so for the most part I felt good that I hadn’t gone crazy.
Alas though there is a ton of pizza leftovers in the fridge right now and I do not know if I am strong enough to resist it. It doesn’t help that there is little else in the fridge as I need to go shopping. If I go downstairs right now I think it will all go to shit and I will be eating cold baked bean pizza (yes that’s really a thing at our local place) and making dirty groaning sex noises before you know it.
I dont think I can even take a photograph to show you it’s that tempting…
Perhaps I can get dressed and just head out the back door and avoid the kitchen completely as I need to go into town. Oh bugger no I cant, the keys are in the kitchen.
I think I shall ask the kids to fetch them for me. That might work…
I hear you ask…
Youth’s ardour now quenched
Alas love’s sweet song now soured
cupid you wanker
And mostly just why the hell not
A young couple who’s love sadly soured
when he one night found himself devoured
he was drunk he insists
after penis and fists
found himself rather anally deflowered
I am not a good person at all…
I am a firm believer that to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to unforgivable. If you need to be somewhere then you ought to get there early because anything else is just rude. It was very much to my horror therefore that earlier this week I was nearly an hour late for a training course I was due to attend in London.
Now I would like to blame everybody else but it was my fault which only serves to make the whole episode that much more frustrating.
I was visiting an office I had never been to before and as I usually would gave it a quick google, checked which tube station to head to from Waterloo and set off with enough time to get me there with a good half an hour to spare to allow me to have a bit of a wander about.
As a seasoned visitor to the capital I like to think I am pretty good at getting about but alas I was so very, very wrong. Boarding at waterloo I had a 50 minute journey with a change and this alone should have set the alarm bells ringing. I knew roughly where it was yet I ignored that quiet whisper that told me that I ought to double check.
I don’t usually ignore this voice, not since that time I decided to install a kitchen and I measured how much I needed to trim off the work top in centimetres yet cut it off in inches. There’s no hiding that from the wife when she gets home I tell you, but alas I did ignore it.
Now if you have not experienced rush hour on the London tube then trust me it is as bad as you might imagine. I was crammed so close to other people that in some cultures I am pretty certain that I am now engaged to at least two women and one bloke and there was a point where I had to explain to a fellow that I really couldn’t move up any more as if I did my groin would be closer to the face of a rather diminutive Sicilian looking old lady than I would be comfortable with.
Not that I am otherwise comfortable shoving my groin into the face of old women of any description regardless of where they come from, I am definitely not.
Anyway after half an hour and about 10 stops the whisper had become a scream and my desire to be on time and to not end up on the sex offenders list caused me to panic and I alighted at Earl’s court. Unable to get a phone signal I hurried to the surface still smelling of the bloke who had been pressed against me since Knightsbridge to figure out where the bloody hell I was. It was at this point I hit an all time low for me on the tubes.
If they are crammed I will usually just let everyone go before me and wait for the next one. That is all part of why I leave extra early and it normally means I stay relatively calm and unflustered which I think is why I enjoy London so much.
Anyway so my plan is to drop a text to the trainer and explain I am late but will get there. It’s only a course right, hardly that important. Now at this point I dropped my bank card as I took my phone out of my pocket and bent over to pick it up. As I do this my bag swings from my shoulder and clips a fellow rushing past me and as I stand up he glares at me with a dark and ominous scowl. Well, this seems to trigger me and for some reason I become possessed by the devil and decide to inform him that…
“Look at me like that again mate and I’ll punch you in the throat.”
I am a little more tense than I realise and for a moment we stare at each other. I am hoping he is thinking “Shit I better get out of here he looks a bit handy” whilst I am thinking “Oh fuck I have no idea how to fight and the last thing I smashed was a carbonara pizza and I haven’t had a fight since 1990 (and ended up sat bleeding from the nose sat in a waste paper bin on that occasion) and I should apologise probably because that is just rather inappropriate and I am not Jean-Claude-fucking-Van-Damme.”
Fortunately he was obviously also late for something and scurried off as I leaned back against the wall in relief at not having to explain that I was late for a training course on emotional resilience because I was arrested for fighting an Albanian looking backpacker in Earl’s court tube station and rubbing my crotch in an Octogenarian lemon sellers face.
After that it was plain sailing really. I worked out where I was actually meant to be going, got there an hour late, did the course, learned a few things and convinced the trainer to let us finish the session in the pub instead of the classroom and had a couple of pints of Guinness and a Cornish pasty and a sausage roll.
Life eh…
Psst. Yeah you. Over here…
Once a POTUS most surely deranged
gropes your wife, says the climates not changed
migrant hordes on the way
they’ll be here any day
and that Clinton’s quite clearly to blame
Yes, baby Jesus does indeed hate your guts
Moist…plump…succulent
Juices flowing, steaming hot
a waste of turkey
And on a Thursday too…
Childish and purile
should know better at his age
plus he followed through
Nearly Friday people!
Once a man with quite bad diabetes
could not resist cake, chocs or sweeties
With abandon he’d feast
till his piss smelled like yeast
and he lost all the toes from his feeties
I have no idea if ones piss smells like yeast if one is diabetic I just rathee renjoyed the line…
Why not eh…
This is in response to M’s fabulous prompts which you can see here. These used to be 101 words. Sometimes they still are. Sometimes not. They are often snippets, occasionally unfinished and sometimes simply the beginnings of something for another time. Mostly though they are just whatever the words inspire.
Connor stood at the bar and finished his…what was it? Sixth? Seventh drink?
He wasn’t really sure and to be honest it didn’t really matter and the bar man wasn’t interested as long as he kept paying. But whichever drink it was he finished it in one and beckoned for another, sliding the glass across the bar top.
“Steady on there cowboy” came a voice as smooth and as sweet as honey. “Drinking alone will get you in trouble.”
He turned slowly, instincts telling him to play it cool and the booze leaving him unsteady on his feet.
“What if I like trouble” he said placing a hand on the sticky bar top to steady himself. The barman glanced over and shook his head smiling. “What if I just enjoy…” He stopped short.
“What if you just enjoy what?” she said running her hand up his arm.
Perhaps it was the drink, or maybe it was the truth – or at least the sort of truth you believe after however many drinks he had finished – but he was certain that she was the more gorgeous thing he had ever seen.
Short dark wavy hair framed her face and her dark eyes smiled and for a minute it felt like she was looking right into his soul. It made him uncomfortable and excited at the same time. Actually mostly he was just excited.
Even in the dark of the bar he could see that beneath her tight red dress she had a body built for sin and the slit in her skirt showed more leg than he’d seen even when he was still married and certainly since. He couldn’t help but stare at her mouth as she spoke, her lips a bright red in stark contrast to her pale skin.
“Cat got your tongue?” She said smiling.
Christ she smelled good he thought, willing her to bit her lip. He loved a lip biter. Chances were he’d explode right where he stood if she did. He took a breath and offered to buy her a drink.
“Oh I’m not really thirsty” she said edging closer and leaning in to whisper in his ear, her hand on chest and the sweet scent of vanilla filling his senses.
“Now? You sure?” His heart pounded as she nodded. He turned and gave the barman a thumbs up as she lead him from the bar. “Still got it” he shouted across the noise of the room. The barman waved and wiped down the bar top.
Holding her hand her skin was soft and he watched her as she walked just ahead of him, her backside like two kittens fighting in a sack. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on her. She lead him outside and they slipped down the side of the building and around the back of the bar, neon lighting their way and her heels clicking as they went.
“How’s about here?” she said turning around and pushing him against the wall forcefully, pressing herself against him. His hands instinctively reached for her the kittens and he squeezed her as she bit her lip staring at him.
“Oh god” he muttered.
“What’s wrong honey?” she asked, her mouth now just inches from his and her hands on his chest and sliding slowly downwards. He gasped as he felt her unbuckle his belt and tried to kiss her, hungry to taste her lips.
She pulled back and grinned. “So You ready then?” she said playfully. He nodded and closed his eyes, desperate to feel her fingers around him.
She pressed closer still and he felt every curve of her body against his. He could feel her breath on his lips and he knew that any minute he would feel her soft warm candy red lips. His hands ran up her back and then back down her sides, resting on her hips, as she pulled down his zip. God this was really happening he said to himself. He wanted to touch her, to feel her, explore her.
“I…” he struggled for words as he felt the button of his jeans being opened.
She stopped and took his hand from her hip and steered him to her stomach and then guided him lower still.
“You want it don’t you?” he said staring into her eyes.
She nodded and licked her lips.
Every fibre in his body reacted and he reached under the slit of her skirt, her skin smooth and warm.
“Oh yes baby do it” said kissing closing her eyes.
His heart pounded and he spun her around, reversing their positions and pushing her against the wall. This was it, he was going to have her. Right here. Tight now.
He leaned in and kissed her, lips soft and warm and her tongue already searching for his as their lips met. His hand slid further under her skirt and she bit his lip playfully groaning as his hand passed over her thigh.
“Yes, oh yes” she said and kissed him back, her stance widening welcoming him between her thighs. “Touch me.”
As her tongue entered his mouth he closed his eyes and reached for her, hungry to feel how she was responding to him.
“Christ” he said stepping back, the colour draining from his face. “You…you’re…”
“What’s wrong baby?” she asked running her finger over her lips. “Jealous because it’s bigger than yours?”
But it does mention other beastly things
A young couple with dreams and such hope
Went to shit ‘cos of booze, sex and dope
He would drink, shit the bed
so she’d hump his mate Ted
and would pop round next door for a grope
I don’t really mean that can you tell?
Extra spicy please…
Flatulence just like fire
screams on the toilet
Now the kids have two mums! Bonus.
BFF and more
Husband no longer needed
so many plusses
Where’s your bloody towel!?!?
One about naturists
The streak continues
So after confessing to having a bad month I girded my loins, did a healthy shop, planned my meals meticulously and then prompty ate most of a bloody cake again.
This was no accidental cake though, no slip of the tongue, no unintentional mountain of chocolate goodness, this was a cake of my own making. One minute I am wondering what ingrediants I have in the pantry and the next minute its an avalance of eggs, sugar, butter and a ton of chocolate and caramel which is filling the house with a heady and intoxicating cocoa scent.
I told myself I wouldn’t eat it, just make it, but I am a damned chocolate mouthed liar and the sweet batter was barely mixed before I was shovelling it into my my mouth like a crack whore desperate for a fix. The whole time I convince myself that this is just for the enjoyment of others but deep down I knew I would end up eating it by the damning light of the fridge in the middle of the night.
By the time the butter cream had been smothered all over it was just too difficult to resist and any slim resistance I might have been holding onto was gone and I succumbed.
God it was good…
Lets try have a better week eh. I have bought a ton of prunes and seeds and stuff which I am certain cannot be baked into anything pleasant at all.
Best I got today I’m afraid
Once a man, quite incredibly fat
rather lonely got himself a cat
but one day when it slept
he sat down, and then wept
as the poor little bugger went splat
Beware, beware as you fondle down there!
In the locker room
he learns and yearns, she declines
Not that kind of girl
Beware, beware as you fondle down there!
Alone he explores
lubricated penetrates
oops, where did it go
Let me count the ways.
Evil cross dressing grocer with candy
would lure kids to his van dressed as Mandy
Now he’s used by the felons
who adore his plump melons
and abuse him each night, ain’t that dandy
You’re not all special!
I popped to the engravers this morning to pick up some trophies for a rugby festival I am running tomorrow and noticed a large pile of parcels for the local grammar school.
Seems they are awarding 4 trophies for their top ‘A’ achievers, a good recognition for the ‘merit’ pupils and two very special ones indeed.
Nice to see the school telling it like it is.
In your face haiku!
Complacent lovers
Just going through the motions
minds wander elsewhere
Afterwards 