Look, if I don’t write them down they go round and round in my head and that really is not a good thing at all.
Once a fellow woke up on a Sunday
at his cold wife winked “Hey is it fun day?”
she declined his request
and insisted at best
a quick hand job on three weeks from Monday
The day has a ‘Y’ in it so that must mean another of these…
There once was a man from Phuket
beastly thing and he married a vet
how her pups made him shiver
rabbit made him so quiver
and her pussy well that made him sweat
I have no idea why.
Now it seems Ted has a passion for the trendy and for fashion
And the feel of fabric tight against his skin
Now he’s a manly man don’t doubt it but sometimes he cannot fight it
And into a little red dress he’ll slip in
Loves the way it makes him look just like a model from a book
Or so he tells himself so as to not feel weird
How it accentuates his form and no it might not be the norm
But he also thinks it goes well with his beard
He feels quite confident and hot and his wife doesn’t mind one jot
In fact she likes the way it makes his bottom look
Though as it’s rather sheer some things do stand out, oh dear
She suggest perhaps he might just try a tuck
So with his package put away and sexily his hips do sway
And he feels gorgeous and quite special, rather girly
Lips full they taste of cherry glass of wine he’s feeling merry
And to the bedroom leads the way his tuck unfurling
He really should have it looked at I am sure a doctor could fix it.
There’s a fellow I know that pees sitting
as the end of his dick has a split in
and it sprays uncontrolled
and he can’t hit the bowl
just no chance of him aiming and hitting
That said if you choose to eat more of them that is completely up to you.
doubts the best by date
sniff test, seems pretty fresh still
…butt turned inside out
Let’s go there eh. Might be fun.
Girl I know met this lad Richie
few months in though she got a bit twitchy
know’s he’s cheated, such trash
as she’s picked up a rash
and it smells and’s incredibly itchy
So strict yet most liberating.
Holiday romance
succumbs to sweet temptation
antibiotics
Hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning. Get well soon.
Heard some Mexican made you feel queasy
and your tummy is feeling uneasy
some advice, for a start
don’t gamble on a fart
and by morning you should feel quite peachy
I realise that one right does not in any way fix all of the wrongs.
Parched the earth waits still
distant rumbles promise life
passes by taunting
Oh good god I tried to write a proper haiku effort and I feel all dirty. Please don’t think badly of me or tell anyone because I have a reputation to keep up. I really have no hidden depths than need to be explored, I am somewhat blond to the beauty around me mostly and I do not possess the angst nor the soul to produce something that will speak to your heart.
I can however turn cock, sock and shock into something pretty funny when so moved which is something I guess.
Play to your strengths eh 🙂
Here we go ladies and gentlemen, it’s hump day!
Once a virginal lass from Belize
met a chap fond of porno and sleaze
it was love at first sight
and she said that she might
once they’re married go down on her knees
You, yes you.
Midnight lust, face like
a pool of sick and bogies
by the light of day
Not long left of it now…
A young vegan lass born in Botswana
fell in love and she married a farmer
Once she’d sampled his meat
could not resist the treat
daily gorges on cow, pork and llama
You really do need to keep an eye on those pesky use by dates
Yoghurt past its best
It’ll be fine, smells okay
…sparkly clean colon
Look, if I don’t write them down they go round and round in my head and that really is not a good thing at all.
Scottish musician Roddy McDougall
rugged looks, kind and handsome, quite frugle
how the ladies would wilt
at the sight of his kilt
at his impressive bagpipes and bugle
Sorry. Really. Cant be true though I am sure it would get her struck off.
Friend of mine has a proctologist
who shirks fingers instead uses fist
claims its truly divine
has it done all the time
he first tried it in Amsterdam pissed
Seems an ideal opportunity for a haiku about something one should not really be writing haiku about.
dry as the desert
Nervous at the urinal
prying eyes be gone
The day has a ‘Y’ in it so must mean it’s time for another one of these.
Chap met a girl in a jacuzzi
at a party, quite raucous and boozy
all those bubble and jets
they were both rather wet
took her home, he’s a bit of a floozy
Tomorrow is Friday yup!
Once a fellow with waning resistance
he succumbed to a chap who’s persistence
saw his nights and most days
filled with sensual way
now he cant walk without some assistance
An exercise in wrongness.
There are things that I think and write that I know I should be ashamed of and that I ought to not mutter but I do, and I don’t feel a great deal of shame at all, which in turns makes me again think that I ought to be ashamed of myself and then I’m not and then…well you get the idea. This one is about having relations with homeless people and that’s disgusting I know. Thinking it that is, not homeless people. Or homeless people having sex. They’re quite entitled to do whatever they want. Just because you sleep in a box in an underpass does not mean that you cant enjoy a Dutch reverse wheelbarrow with someone you just shared a bottle of floor cleaner with.
I’m sorry. I will go make a donation to a homeless charity once I press send. Feel free to read or listen to it or maybe just give it a miss.
There’s a bloke called Marcel Has a story to tell
As he has a quite dark fascination
See for tramps he gets hot and he’s ready to trot
With the down and out down at the station
Loves the way that they smell Oh dear twisted Marcel
He just can’t get enough all the while
Kindly gives a few bucks when theyre down on their luck
Sits and hangs out with them with a smile
He enjoys carnal sins round the back of the bins
Hobo loving he can’t get his fill
He’s the local wild funster getting hot in a dumpster
Black toothed cavernous mouth – oh the thrill
Dirty fingers hair matted they’re the cure for his flacid
Manhood he’s so proud and excited
A homeless three way really did make his day
and he heads home satisfied and excited.
Oh such a tight and disciplined little thing.
suppresses a sneeze
it has to go somewhere though
it’s brown trouser time
My goodness how quickly the week is going. Let’s have anther limerick shall we.
A quite flexible chap from Barundi
was a fellow from Thursday to Sunday
then some blusher, a tuck
padded bra and good luck
was a woman first thing on the Monday
I hope this helps with the long dark tea time of the soul.
Once a vet rather dark and malicious
he found hamsters and rabbits delicious
dog he found a bit tough
not like parrot or dove
and oh how he liked cats, nutricious!
Something to consider if your planning on taking a break somewhere exotic this summer.
Oh summer loving
happened so fast, had a blast
and caught crabs. Nasty.
I’m kind of glad that’s over to be honest. Roll on Tuesday!
A poor chap born just outside of Harrow
had to cart his testes in a barrow
but it gets even worse
’tis a terrible curse
has a penis the size of a marrow.
Happy Sunday to you all out there.
There once was a man from Gabon
personality, looks he had none
but he got loads of chicks
he was really quite rich
but they left him when it was all gone
Afterwards 