Get well soon hear you contracted syph
and its pungent and rancid don’t sniff
cos it’s looking quite green
get antibacs and some cream
stay downwind cos god you sure whiff
Limericky icky
You must see these coming by now surely
Tag: illness
Lick my limerick
Or did I mean ‘like’? Oh I do get mixed up…
Once a builder, an eye for perfection
met an architect fond of inspection
day by day how he woo’d
took her out for some food
and insisted “come see my erection”
And yet more Limerickian nonsense
I’ll run out eventually I am sure. But today is not that day!
Once a cad, quite a scoundrel, Jafar
slept around, in the bedroom a star
but he caught something bad
from this lass and her dad
now alas keeps his cock in a jar
More of the same
Why the dickens not eh.
Hear that thing on your leg has got worse
you should probably go see a nurse
cos it smells really off
and you’ve got a bad cough
or we’ll soon see you off in a hearse
Happy Tuesday WordPress.
Have another inappropriate limerick. Why? Because of reasons of course!
Once a lass from the banks of the Humber
Who did quite shocking things with cucumber
What she did with a squash
Made you wince and say gosh
But oh how you’d kill for her number
Monday. Limerick perhaps?
Normal service resumes methinks
Once a maiden with curves by the plenty
Sold her good self to poor, rich and gentry
Every Sunday the priests
Had her down on her knees
Though to church they would still refuse entry
A Sunday Limerick ;)
Should have posted it yesterday but I was too busy enjoying the wedding and drinking cocktails and enjoying a day only us Brits can really do properly…
A royal couple, face beaming with smile
but he’ll have to wait still for a while
seems he’s rather quite keen
this romantic young dream
he can’t wait to take her up the aisle
Another Limerick
One about farmers doing terrible things to Animals. Allegedly.
Once a farmer of ill reputation
was accused of such vile molestation
as his pigs looked harassed
and his sheep ran so fast
with a look of intense consternation
Whilst it can’t buy you love look what it can buy.
I think she got some of it on sale.
Flush with cash, dame from North Carolina
who so craved a sweet custom vagina
said her beau “looks fantastic
though your clit’s made of plastic
and your labia’s hand made in China”
On Cricket
Not sure this one has much of an audience at all really. Oh well, it’s still something I guess.
Clad in white, fellow quite fond of cricket
So much so he would dance down the wicket
And with joyous delight
In the sun shining bright
Pull a stump out, caress it and lick it
Stay on target
Negative, it just impacted on the surface…
A virile young fellow named Darren
He divorced, said his missus was barren
try as hard as he could
Was his sperm that was dud
She remarried, 3 kids, Joe, Zak, Aaron
Dirty dirty habit
But probably not as bad as prostitution.
Narcoleptic chain smoker, Belinda
Nodded off, burnt her house to a cinder
Now she’s trying to make cash
On the street selling ass
To the men that she locates on Tinder
More Get Well Soon
Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.
Get some rest you’ll feel better I’m sure
Once it heals it will not feel so sore
You’ll be soon back to boozing
When you clear up the oozing
And next time just say no to the whore
Get Well Soon
Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.
Eeuw I hear it’s all swollen and smelly
and there’s bits that are wobbly like jelly
I’d suggest get some cream
as it shouldn’t be green
leaking yellow puss onto your belly.
The great plan of the gods
Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.
A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.
During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived, his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.
How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think. He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.
“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards. She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.
I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up. I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.
Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.
Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉
Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.
Afterwards 