Tag: christmas

Childish Christmas Insults

Crass childish sweary nonsense that barely rhymes properly

 

A POTUS loved by evangelic

praise Jesus hes orange, mesmeric

But to me hes a dick

a piss drenched racist prick

no better than an ISIS cleric

 

Now he reckons it’s Christmas he’s saved

so you better hope you have behaved

In the name of J Christ

he’s now after your wife

He requests her pussy waxed or shaved

 

Okay so theyre a bit clumsy but I kinda like them anyway 🙂

 

A few days away.

For the first time in nearly 6 months I have just spent more than a day away from my blog. 

For the first time in nearly 6 months I have just spent more than a day away from my blog.  In the past Ive had the odd spell away, but nothing like this.  For 4 days in fact I have not made a post, read a comment or read anything anyone else has posted.

It was at first rather frustrating but there were these Ikea cupboards that needed to go up you see plus others that needed moving from one side of the bedroom to the other.  Now, in order to achieve that they needed to be dismantled which I kind of managed but then the dismantling was followed by shouting, swearing, sweating and me then apologising to the family for being a complete dick and a quite awful human being.

The second night I repeated my performance, to somewhat of a lesser degree, but again I was a twat and I will admit that I am this point thinking that I have issues.  No matter how hard I tried the combination of my complete ineptness and the quite obvious evil nature of these wardrobes brought out my inner twat.

Another night of it and by the time I had done them all I simply had no joy left in me and found it rather hard to return and it has taken a couple of days of cocktails, Christmas merriment and festive television to get me back to some sort of place where I have both the time and the inclination to write again.

I have some catching up to do I think but just glad my wife didn’t make me sleep in the garden this Christmas really.  She’s a frightfully patient woman.

Merry Christmas

Michael x

 

 

 

Dark Christmas – Light

A quick thing about a thing

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

Stars snuffed out as space he crossed

consuming all before

until a planet full of life

green hill ran to blue shore

 

A Timeless creature dark of heart

in search he roams the night

presented with this gift of life

and joy and streaming light

 

Each heart a feast each soul divine

each mind a thing to savour

he gorges, belly fat and round

lips smack tongue tastes sweet flavour

 

And over time into their world

they welcome him arms wide

and worship at his festival

tell tales by fire side

 

His garments red his beard like snow

red eyes, teeth sharp, blood claws

he stalks in search of prey at nights

until the winter thaws

 

And then he slumbers until once

again the frost awakes

and hunger drives him ever on

and heart and soul he takes

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Stable

And on that day a child shall be born, and his name shall be…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Horse rubbed himself against the stable wall,  “Oh that feels so good” he said scratching an itch that had been troubling him for some time.  “That was some crazy goings on last night” he said to anyone that was willing to listen.

Cow looked up from her breakfast “Not a fan of babies myself” she answered “especially not squidgy pink human ones.”

Chicken clucked in agreement as Pig snorted.

“I’m just glad they’ve gone.  As if the way they treat us isn’t bad enough now they’re stealing our sleeping space” Pig said sharply.

“Apparently he was the son of God you know” Horse continued.

“Who?” said Cow chewing slowly.

“That baby, the Jesus one.”

Chicken clucked and flapped her wings and was about to speak when Pig interrupted.

“What are you on about?”

“Seriously” Horse said nodding, “I heard them say so.”

“Fuck off” said pig “why would God have his kid born in a stable” she asked grumpily.

“Pig, language” Cow snapped.

Pig wandered over to the trough and began to eat. “Seems a bit ridiculous to me that’s all” she said, food spilling from her mouth.

Chicken flapped her wings and opened her beak to speak but was again interrupted.

“It’s true” Horse said, “Apparently God sent those fellows with the camels and those shepherds “

“Why on earth would he do that?” Pig asked.

Cow looked at Horse.  Horse said nothing.

Chicken saw her opportunity and hopped up onto Cows back.  “I was speaking to Dog from two streets down” she clucked, “and you know what he told me?” she asked.

“Go on” Pig said finishing the last of the food in the trough.

“Well” Chicken continued, “Dog told me that there was a baby born over at their Inn last night too and there were apparently heavenly apparitions, a voice from the sky and a beam of light that shone on the baby when it came out!”

She paused for dramatic effect as the animals looked at one another.

“What did they call it?” Cow asked curiously.

“Darren” Chicken answered.

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Sleigh

My twisted Christmas continues…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

 

Sleigh bells ring and blood runs cold

The Fear runs through your veins

Night time falls and tales of old

They tell of just one name

 

His clothes blood stained, a heart of black

A list of wicked names

His jingle bells, on darkness dwell

Brings death and dark and pain

 

And should he find you unprepared

Through window, chimney, door

He sneaks inside your soul to take

Your days to end.  No more.

 

Into the night he whisks away

bad children, down to hell

Not fire, but ice and there to stay

And in his kingdom dwell

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Chimney

I seem to have a recurring theme starting here. I think I might have Santa issues…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

https://mindescapes.net/2017/11/30/mindescapes-christmas-challenge-2017/

 

As darkness falls and blankets pulled

up tight around your ears

across the town the crunch of boots

on snow and darkest fears

 

Door handles rattled, windows checked

Through letter box he peeps

Wild eyes, sharp teeth and fingers gnarled

As you pretend to sleep

 

He knows, he sees, he understands

Just how you have behaved

He watches day and night and follows

From the cradle to the grave

 

And should he know, perhaps suspect

You’ve not done as you should

Onto your roof he clambers

All because you’ve not been good

 

And down your chimney he will slip

When fast asleep you dream

And whisk you off to darkest lair

Where no one hears you scream

 

Dark Christmas – Naughty

Good luck getting this image out of your head once you’ve read it.

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

The gifts delivered to the homes

The reindeers put away

And Santa stumbles off to bed

But Mrs wants to play

 

“Now you look here” his wife insists

“I know you’ve been at work

But a woman has her needs you know”

And slowly starts to twerk

 

He cocks his head and strokes his chin

her bottom starts to shake

“Oh love I’m feeling tired”

No excuses will she take

 

She bumps and grinds her lips red bright

She wiggles and gyrates

Stockings, basque and ‘Screw me shoes’

Much longer she cant wait

 

His suit undone his belly proud

She nibbles, sucks and bites

Hes suddenly less tired

And his trousers feel quite tight

 

“Oh go on then” he smiles and slaps

Her playful on the arse

“One more bulging sack to empty

Then its off to bed at last”

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Inn

Recently found parchment provides reliable eye witness account of the big day it seems…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Dear diary you see

you may just not believe

what has happened tonight when at work

couple knocked at the door

he performed, stomped and swore

demanded a room, what a jerk

 

But I felt really bad

for the sorry faced lad

cos his lass says that god did …you know

now shes bearing his kid

not from nothing he did

but hes sticking with her, brave lad so…

 

The night’s silent and cold

Seems a saviours foretold

Theres the lass on a donkey call M

Now shes proper knocked up

and at back of the pub

giving birth near a cow a hen

 

There’s some fellas with sheep

and some lads from the east

who look lost but they seem to have gifts

it has been a long night

and this stars rather bright

god I really do hate working shifts

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Town

You better watch out…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

As night falls, all through the town

When the children start to slumber

There comes a man his hood pulled down

His heart all black and thunder

it rages, coursing through his veins

and soul as dark as pitch

he searches for the homes and seeks

the curtains as they twitch

inside he creeps they scurry fast

he knows they’re wide awake

to take their souls, exchanged for gifts

be good for goodness sake

Dark Christmas – Donkey

My favourite Christmas carol has always been ‘Little Donkey’

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

I shared today’s post with my youngest Thomas and he came up with this.  Tom is 9 and seems to rather enjoy trying his hand at poetry.  Good work boy!

Donkey travelled through the night

On his back he carried heavenly light

The little heroes name was Kevin

And he carried the boy from heaven

 

Below is my effort.  I think Tom did a better job.  I’m going for a free form morbid nihilist first donkey perspective kind of vibe.  I think I smashed it.

What?  It’s a thing…Donkey’s can write poetry you know, they just don’t write it down because of the hooves.    

 

Long dark roads

Dust and despair fill my every waking hour

Family and friends long forgotten

We eat through the miles

We pass through the night

They rest on my back as we follow the star

 

No food no water no hope

Onwards they drive me

Through the night towards day break

 

Silver and gold spill across the land

Day brings scorching heat

I wish I was dead

 

 

Ive never written free form before.  I think it shows.