Category: Poems

Screw you haiku 9 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Tears stream down my cheeks

back arched, tense, fighting release

miles to a bathroom

More stuff from my brain meat…

Screw you haiku 8 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

warm sun on my skin

drowsy, relaxed I slumber

awake lobster red

More stuff from my brain meat…

Screw you haiku 7 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Cruel winter winds

plays havoc with my nipples

Hey! Eyes are up here!

More stuff from my brain meat…

Screw you haiku 6 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Horny teenager

eyes the vacuum eagerly

he wont…but he will

More stuff from my brain meat…

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

More revolting limericks

limericks to make you roll your eyes and make tutting noises.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

There once was a butcher named Chuck

would sell any old meat for a buck

he’d sell dachshunds as steak

sell you minced rat and steak

‘stead of chicken you’d get pigeon or duck

There once was a Baker call Ned

quite a perv, things he did with the bread

doughnut holes…yeah believe it

used his bits to achieve it

late at night he’d take croissants to bed

A fellow, a candlestick maker

had a wife who in bed was a faker

so he took to his bed

brought his work home instead

now quite easy for him to placate her

Room to swing a cat

Not that I would. But if I had to.

People are forever musing on here aren’t they. You can’t swing a cat without encountering musings of one description of another.

Not that I would advocate swinging cats. I would not. I don’t even know where that saying comes from. Perhaps it was an old way of measuring things? Now again I repeat that I would not but if I were to swing an animal then it would probably be something a little more manageable like a tortoise or a guinea pig. Cats are notoriously averse to being swung and have far too many sharp and pointy bits to be buggering around with trying to work out how wide your living room is to see if your new sofa will fit.

If I absolutely had to know whether the new 3 piece would squeeze through the door then I would punt for a measuring tortoise. They are a bit short of purchase points though so it’s probably wise to put it in some sort of cloth sack to swing it thereby reducing the chance of losing one’s grip and sending the measuring tortoise soaring through a window. Last thing you want is glass all over and having to use something a little smaller to then measure the window so you can order new glass. If you were in need of measuring a window though, and again this is just hypothetical, then I reckon a squirrel would do the job. Red though not grey, the grey ones are a a bit feisty. If you cant get your hands on a squirrel then maybe try a hamster. A red squirrel is generally equal to 2 hamsters.

Just for reference the Tortoise in the picture above is equal to 7 red squirrels, so 14 hamsters. Or is that a turtle? Doesn’t matter they are pretty much interchangeable.

Oh and for those living in hot countries, do not use a lizard because we all know their tails fall off and the sight of the orphaned tail wriggling about will likely upset the kids. Unless of course you can get your hands on a chameleon they work really well as they move pretty slowly though can be a bugger to find once you’ve put them down. A friend of mine who lays carpets swears by chameleons but goes through two or three a month.

Not that I would though. What a ridiculous and rather cruel idea.

Besides, everybody knows the old fashioned way of measuring things was by swinging small soot faced children, recently emerged from cleaning chimneys or making smocks and bed caps.

Boom! Tuesday limericks baby!

You should not like them but you will…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

That title is a bit over the top isn’t it. Sorry.

A fellow quite fond of a spank

Gave up his well paid job in the Bank

Now he spends each day addled

High on coke getting paddled

By a 6ft tall angry blonde yank

There one hailed a man from Peru

Without pork he simply could not do

He could not live without

Daily servings of snout

Curly tails, pointy ears, trotters too

Orange man king of U S of A

Cannot stand the poor, sick, black or gay

God forbid you’re all 4

He will kill you for sure

Just as soon as he gets his own way

More revolting limericks

Crass and inappropriate

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

There once lived a man in Phuket

kept an elephant calf as a pet

treat it rather quite bad

it grew large and got mad

squashed him flat, left a smear, rather wet

An old lady qho rather loved cats

lived alone in a tall block of flats

died alone at her place

and the cats ate her face

decomposed, then was fed on by rats

A chap on vacation in Delhi

drank the water and god a bad belly

he would cry scream and shout

as he turned inside out

quite disgusting and rather quite smelly

Limericks. Surprise! Din’t see that coming did you …

One’s about putting marrows in one’s bottom…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

Once a woman quite fond of baguette

just the shape brought her out in a sweat

the soft inner, hard crust

filled her mind with such lust

and a footlong, well that made her wet

There once hailed a plumber from Goole

Who did not work on loos as a rule

See they made him unwell

Could not handle the smell

God forbid he should witness a stool

A gardner, big veg fan from Leeds

quite depraved in his sexual needs

how he loved to shove marrow

in his passages narrow

then would eat them, apart from the seeds

Limericks. Again.

I’ll get bored of them eventually I am sure. Maybe…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

There once hailed a priest from Manilla

who turned out was a serial killer

Though on Sundays he’d rest

with the saved and the blessed

Then on Monday, kill whores, what a thriller

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

Screw you haiku 24 Jan 2017

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Second amendment

It’s your right to bare arms

and murder school kids.

Seems there was another school shooting in Kentucky. Seriously people…

Clown. Joyful japing

smiles on the face of children

but dying inside

and maybe one more

Evening on red wine

Glug glug glug glass after glass

mouth like a sex doll

More stuff from my brain meat…

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

Find out more about her here

People I enjoy – Little Red Lamb

Each week I am going to reblog someone that I enjoy reading. This week it is Little Red Lamb.

Where do I start? One of my favourite things about WordPress are the people, and in Red you have someone with a wonderful ability to express herself in a way many struggle with. She writes with an openness and an honesty about herself and her life which makes for a great read.

The day has a ‘Y’ in in. Must mean limericks.

On the matter of meat, probing and D

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

There once was a butcher from Crete

had a love of fish, poultry and meat

gorged on legs, wings and chops

haggis eggs and roll-mops

burgers, sausage and steaks such a treat

Fan of X-Files insisted he’d been

by some aliens, sucked up in a beam

stretched his bottom quite wide

as they probed deep inside

the poor chap what they did was obscene

Once a POTUS who claimed “It’s fake news”

hates the poor and the blacks but likes Jews

grabs your wife by the V

then he showers in Pee

supports racist right wing and their views

Limericks on sombre topics.

Another day, more limericks

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

Ballet dancer who got rather plump

so much so that she barely could jump

All the cookies and pies

they went straight to her thighs

when she did she came down with a thump

Once a Gent with a craving for women

went to watch them and spied on them swimming

he emerged ,they screamed “Weirdo!”

at the bulge in his speedo

didn’t help, the lip licking and grinning

Once a Donald with cravings for females

banged a porn star, ensuring no blackmail

paid her off, hundred K

“Doesn’t matter” he’ll say

“Not as bad as Clinton and her email!”

Limericks written in the car…

Waiting for the kids to finish school

I haven’t had much time write anything today as I have been rather busy doing stuff, but I did have a wee gap when picking the kids up from school and had the words Denise and Cheese rattling around in my head and needed to get them out so even more limericks. I think the second may be my one of my best ever.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

Friend of mine met a woman, Denise

Super hot but alas smelled like cheese

Tried quite hard, could not bed her

As she smelled just like cheddar

Gorgonzola, blue Danish and Bries

There once was a chap quite humongous

Never bathed, in his rolls he grew fungus

In his chins you’d find mould

Sweat would pool in each fold

In his crack nasty filth in abundance

There was a woman called Kate

Who would eat every crumb on her plate

She would nibble from others

From her parents and brothers

Now quite round and she cant find a date

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

Monday Limericks

Need a get well soon limerick? Look no further…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

Saw your dad, says you’re suffering a spell

raging fever and sweaty as hell

spent all day on the loo

from both ends, as you do

hope you’re soon on the mend and quite well

You’ve a rash and the pustules are welling

and a discharge that’s green and now smelling

Maybe go see a nurse

‘fore it gets any worse

could explode if it carries on swelling

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

Gross Saturday Limericks

Need a limerick for someone with a nasty discharge? I got your back…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

Stay in bed as I know you’re unwell

there’s a discharge, a rash – must be hell

get some shots, you’ll be fine

it will heal up in time

and perhaps it will no longer smell

Oh poor poppit I hope you’re less sick

as the discharge, I believe, is quite thick

hope the swelling goes down

and it’s no longer brown

and it’s no longer oozing, quite slick

Heard you caught something nasty my friend

take your pills you’ll be soon on the mend

next time just be aware

take precautions and care

cos it seeping and all red at the end

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

Limericks. Again.

No apologies, they make me happy.

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

A financier born in Sri Lanka

Who wrote poems, quite odd for a banker

he would take such delight

in his form oh so tight

how he revelled in Haiku and Tanka

There once lived a farmer called Phil

bought a bride on the web from Brazil

when she landed such shock

massive balls and a cock

it worked out though, shes hung, what a thrill

There once was a Vicar from Cannes

who when drunk went to bed with a man

Hes now happy it seems

with the man of his dreams

left the church, toured the world in a van

Okay lousy last line there but I wanted them to have a happy ending.

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

People I enjoy – Dronstablog

Each week I am going to reblog someone that I enjoy reading. This week it is Dronstad. Here’s a man so ridiculously passionate about writings and the worlds he creates and who produces so much stuff (and not in his native language I might add which is an achievement in itself).

You really can tell when people love writing sometimes and he is one of those people who just loves doing what he does. So if you like sci fi kinda stuff and near future worlds then take a look.

Find out more about him here

Well that’s just super…

Kids. Honestly.

My dear children

I want the best for you but…

some days you are thick

Sorry thats the best I can do. It is ten to ten and the eldest just told me he needs 6 sheets of filo, ricotta and spring onions for school tomorrow. I want nothing more to shout and protest and stomp my feet as I was about to get in bed after this post but now I am off to the Tesco just up the road. If they dont have it then I am going to the store in the next town. But that’s ok right because I am an awesome dad.

I don’t feel it, I want to make him get dressed and go himself. Oh, did I mention it’s snowing? Yeah. Loads. Id happily watch him drag his forgetful arse out in a blizzard and drive behind him shouting valuable life lessons out the window.

I can just imagine his snow chilled little face pleading to get in the car as I bellow instructions about how to put up a shelf an how to make a good first impression.

What is more annoying though is that I knew it was food tech tomorrow and forgot to check what he needs. So really I need to shout at myself. But I am way past learning.

Stupid idiots the lot of us. Right, where are my clothes I better get dressed again.

More stuff from my brain meat…

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness