A Late Night Limerick

This one’s about something that only happens to other people.

I went to Thailand once.  This happened to someone else though.  Not me.

 

Single chap I know lives with no cares

Drunk encounters each night, unawares

meets this lass in Bangkok

Got a terrible shock

Didn’t see adams apple, he swears

 

More R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.

 

I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…

 

A fine actor from Hollywood hailed

and young men he apparently nailed

one with mouth he did please

as he dropped to his knees

many more he’d seduce but he failed

 

Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta

Had a mind that was oft in the gutter

Home he’d go self to please

Rub his bollocks with cheese

And his nipples he’d smother in butter.

 

There once was an old man from Chile

Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy

That would be rather sick

To write odes of old dick

I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…

 

An innocent chap from Taiwan

who kept puppies and sweets in a van

Gave away outside schools

Church bazaar’s, public pools

worse charity ever, stupid man!

 

Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty

Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty

“God that stings” through the walls

Heard him shout, slips and falls

Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

A couple of Donald inspired limericks

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …

Trump the crazy on tour out in China

Salivates, like he would at a diner

Watch out for him trust me,

He will grab yours you’ll see

then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!

A loony chap, Donald the POTUS

Went to Asia, the land of the lotus

Picked a fight with young Kim

With maniacal grin

Big appeal to the racist white voters

Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need

Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?

Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers

All he offers. Who cares?

Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!

R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure.  I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them.  So for the first time I’ll publish a few.  

 

There lived a young chap in Caracas

Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers

thought he’d best see the doc

who grabbed hold of his cock

and gave them a shake like maracas

 

A saucy fun temptress from China

spent her cash on a custom vagina

was so very good looking

but just no use for fucking

though she might just let you 69 her

 

A mechanic from North Carolina

had the hots for a big burly miner

left his family in shock

when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock

I just like it way more than vagina”

 

A vicar quite down on his luck

found a great way to make a quick buck

to the members he went

said “I need to pay rent,

for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”

 

A builder from Cork name of Shamus

had a monstrous and cavernous anus

in his bottom he placed

knives, forks, bowls cups and plates

now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

Some Saturday night limericks

A couple of limericks about adultery, one about a man with a small penis and one about middle aged spread.

 

Just a couple more limericks.  Been rather tied up back end of this week and I went to the pub last night so all I have managed over the last few days are the limericks I scribble in my notebook when I am on a conference call of some description at work…

 

A bank robber from Toremelinos

stole to get cash for his penis

to enlarge was his wish

but the products are pish

now he’s locked up in jail with men, heinous

 

‘My Friend’ watches far too much telly

middle aged, double chins and round belly

legs and arms got quite thick

now he can’t see his dick

and his man boobs they jiggle like jelly

 

A husband one day proclaimed dead

seems his wife shot him right through the head

on his phone saw a text

“Banged your sister, you’re next!”

really made quite a mess of the bed

 

Farmers wife with a craving for men

got caught cheating again and again

hub quite angry threw fits

then he chopped her to bits

fed her parts to the pigs in his pen

Some utter filth

For the sake of common decency there are things I would love to write but don’t. Here’s a sneak preview as to why…

If you’ve read me for any length of time you know I love limericks.  Why?  Because they’re such whimsical fun.

Mostly they just kind of appear in my head you know, without much effort.  I will think of a theme, find a couple of words that rhyme and they just magically appear.  Or maybe I have a start or an end line that makes me chuckle and I take it from there.

Now, there are a lot of limericks I do not write that rattle around brain.  Some are just awfully filthy and/or just go too far in terms of good taste and seem rather crass.  The English language is somewhat to blame too, because how am I supposed to not think of the obvious when suck, luck and fuck all rhyme.

You try not to write a limerick about Donald trump having his bottom fiddled with when famous and anus also go perfectly well together.  it is not an easy thing and I am a weak man.  Mostly I like to write those ones on public lavatory walls or teach them to other people’s young children.

Alas I must though have some sort of filter because whilst I don’t mind offending people it should never be done just for the sake of offence.

Anyway, here are a few of the starting or ending lines from some of them them – feel free to perhaps make up your own using them.

Some starts

A well endowed teacher called Rick

An uncle quite fond of incest

A woman with breasts double D

A preacher man down on his luck

There once was a woman quite fussy

 

and how about a few endings…

and exploded all over her face

and a penis the size of a marrow

and collapsed into bed with her dad

and a clitoris the size of a grape

and removing a shoe from his anus

 

anyway…sorry about that.  I’ll go now.

 

 

 

 

Some limericks

Just a few limericks to get them out of my head. Camping, drugs and a couple of perverts are on teh menu today.

 

Just a couple of quickies…

 

A supplier of drugs most sublime

said “No ones cokes quite good as mine

and you’ll never go back

once you’ve tasted my crack

and my weed is undoubtedly fine”

 

There once was a pervert,  Jaffar

who with puppies lured kids to his car

he got caught, locked away

and I’m quite glad to say

he got shanked in the showers, hoorah!

 

There once was a priest from Belize

Who’s penis hung down to his knees

but it only got used

on the boys he abused

gets beat nightly in jail, I’m quite pleased

 

A handy young camper from Kent

spent his weekends outdoors in a tent

but a wind came on through

ripped his home clean in two

left him soaked and confused, poles quite bent

 

 

 

Some more limericks

This week I will be covering gender fluidity, inappropriate love for South American animals, naked dancing and of course…Donald Trump.

My friend met this lass one December

Gender fluid, trust me I remember

One day she’s a bloke

Next a woman, no joke

Took a lot to not always offend her him them shim …look, she had a lovely bottom and they were very happy and that’s all that matters right.  Love is never simple but well worth the effort and labels really can get in the way sometimes.

X

 

A Peruvian who so loved his llama

When it died shipped it to an embalmer

When returned he was thrilled

Sexily posed and quite filled

Now he spoons it at night, sans pyjama

 

A naturist nun loved a giggle

and to dance and my word did she jiggle

Pendulous she would swing

Heaving breasts, quite the thing

And her bottom quite wildly she’d wiggle

 

There once was a POTUS called Trump

An orange small handed vile lump

Make things great?  There’s no hope

Your wife’s boobs he will grope

And your sister he’ll most surely hump


Kangaroo – OWPC Challenge

The great plan of the gods

Harold

Cautionary limericks and one about that orange fool

just a few bits and pieces

 

 

A chap with a taste for wild nights

bought a hooker in basque and black tights

unprotected he played

wife found out that he’d strayed

came home scratched and all covered in bites

 

Young lovers but still in their teens

hormones on fire and tight jeans

got knocked up by mistake

what a big one to make

Oh well, so much for all of your dreams

 

A POTUS hailed “Son of a bitch”

as the players stood firm on the pitch

don’t you dare take a knee

it’s offensive to me

and my white privileged buddies, all rich

 


 

Blanketed in bliss

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Limerick o’clock!

Yeah you know what time it is!

A quite lovely temptress from Dover

loved to frolic and roll in the clover

She would lie in the dew

with a fellow or two

caught a chill, went without a pullover

 

This molester in charge of the States

filled with anger and bile how he hates

The sick and the poor

and the blacks even more

and brown people with Mexican traits

 

A chap from Niece grew a large beard

said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,

So perhaps have a shave

and in bed please behave

don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”

 

A butcher from Leeds who loved pies

Cant resist them, though trust me tries

Now his belly’s quite round

and his man boobs profound

and you should see the size of his thighs


Love – FFFAW Challenge

After Dark Haiku – 29/9/2017

Faeries: The long winter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a quickie

Zoom zoom zoom

I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.  

There once was a Farmer of note

had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat

Neighbours frowned, disapproved

as they did acts quite lewd

“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote

Wrong I know but stuff happens.  I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.

A chap I know finds Santa scary

with his beard so big white and hairy

and his bulging great sack

and his lock picking knack

Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary

anyway moving along swiftly.  Let’s end with a Donald one.  If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.

There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums

wives and sisters and aunties and nuns

You’ll be next, not discreet

he will send off a tweet

share his conquest of you with his chums

Goodnight 🙂

 


Screw you haiku volume…6?

Driving made me super gay

Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge


Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay

 

 

Grrrrrr

Not a piece I am particularly proud of but it is what it is.  *Presses publish*

I know, my last piece was rather dark.  So how about limericks to lighten the mood.  This week I will be mostly considering terrorists and fundamentalist sorts who thinks the only way is their way.  

Hmmm.  I should probably delete that.  All sounds just a bit angry.

An american chap who gets weird

if he sees a tanned bloke with a beard

thinks they all carry bombs

and oppress wives and moms

bought a gun, shot a few, as I’d feared

 

A  bomber killed folk in God’s name

people think all his kind are the same

blew himself all to bits

what a right bunch of shits

But we cant give all Muslims the blame

 

Hmmm.  Not as light hearted as I had hoped for.

 

A godly man fancied this kid

you’d be shocked at the bad things he did

but the church saw no crime

said “Don’t do it next time”

and made sure that his sins were well hid

 

Think I might be in a bit of a mood and rather judgemental.  Oh well.  

A fellow quite grumpy, a Brit

sat typing some quite nasty shit

think hes in quite a mood

maybe he needs some food

and a nap and to swear less, that’s it

Not a piece I am particularly proud of but it is what it is.  *Presses publish*


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your lunchtime limerick 01/10/17

Another day another limerick.

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

I seem to hate Trump, ghastly man

And I write of his deeds when i can

I should really relax

but he seems to hate blacks

and the poor and the sick and Islam

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 30/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

Orange faced oaf of much note

looks to hide how he’s stolen your vote

picking fights, talking shite

big applause from the right

“Crooked Hilary lost” hear him gloat.

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 29/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

A house wife from Bradford called Jess

Caught her hub one day wearing a dress

How it made her eyes pop

So he’s having the op

Now her Trevor’s becoming a Tess

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 28/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

There once was a kid, quite forlorn

Found a stash of his fathers best porn

Now he’s happy and glad

but his father’s quite mad

Cos the pages are sticky and torn

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 27/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

There once was a chap from Japan

loved a lady but also a man

got the best of both worlds

when he found this Thai girl

called Petunia, but used to be Stan

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 26/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

A suicide bomber names Bert

So frustrated, his testicles hurt

Blew himself into three

For the virgins you see

He was promised – tall, short, round and pert

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 25/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

Celibate, destined to be

Betrothed and in marriage set free

But it came to an end

When he banged her best friend

And said “join us babe, let’s make it three”

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me