Screwing you haiku

Surprise!

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

 

he calls her name loud

back arched, the throes of passion

she stirs from her sleep

“Its Friday where I live” Limerick

Just a normal non weird kinda effort

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


 

Once a placid young chap from Brazil

Snapped, killed his wife with a drill

Said “she would scream and she’d shout

And my patience ran out

As her voice was quite loud and so shrill.”

 

Oh look…

Just loves how it feels on his skin…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


A Preacher shouts “By God I’m blessed”

Yet at home you would find him cross dressed

French cut panties all lace

Basque pulled taught at the waist

really loves how it shows off his chest

Screw you haiku

Another day another silly haiku thing…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

Shared bathroom shelving

lotions, potions spill over

single razor blade

 

A tisket for a tasket – March Prompts 9/31

Imagine it being sung as a nursery rhyme by a creepy little child as it plays with a broken doll.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


 

A tisket for a tasket throw your mother in a basket

Put the basket in the fire watch the flames as they grow high

 

A tisket for a tasket put the baby in the basket

Watch the baby sail away and then rule the land one day

 

A tisket for a tasket push the boat man in a basket

Put the basket in the river watch him drown and watch him shiver

 

A tisket for a tasket put the lover in a basket

Pop the basket in the pot serve the lover piping hot

 

A tisket for a tasket shove the father in the basket

Hang the basket from the tree watch him jig and dance with glee

 

A tisket for a tasket lay yourself down in the casket

Put the casket in the ground there you can’t make any sound.

 

Oh look a limerick on a Wednesday.

Who’d have thought

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


A gym bunny, just one of the boys

Wanted mass so he turned to the ‘roids

As his pecs grew quite thick

He lost sight of his dick

He don’t care ‘cos he flexes with poise

Punch Drunk – March Prompts 8/31

Wincing, eyes blinking, afraid and never thinking

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


 

Wincing, eyes blinking

Afraid and never thinking

Using, abusing

just cover up the bruising

aching, shaking

giving never taking

violent, silent

need to be compliant

pretending, never ending

in time the flesh is mending

beneath covers, lost lovers

from this he won’t recover

Oh look, a limerick

I’d not read this eating your tea

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


A young chap thought that he would perhaps

Enjoy butt sex then his sphincter collapsed

Oh my god came the shout

As his insides dripped out

It’s like someone turned on the shit taps

Screw you haiku

Another day another silly haiku thing…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Long legged beauty

Slender, shapely, long necked

Dirty giraffe thoughts

Silly Assumptions – March Prompts 7/31

“Oh take care to assume
or to careless presume
that the world will still be there tomorrow…”

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


 

 

Oh take care to assume

or to careless presume

that the world will still be there tomorrow

for it could all just end

so wise up don’t pretend

as it could all just end in real sorrow

 

We could spin into the sun

Then we’d all be well done

And sun screen wont do no good at all

We could suffer a blast

From a meteor fast

Which would melt us in its fireball

 

Or a virus that turns

you to mush as it burns

your insides and they drip from your pores

Or a zombie infection

And your without protection

And your wife eats your brain while you snore

 

Perhaps creatures from space

Who would eat off your face

And lay eggs in your gut a foot long

And you’d burst at the seems

As young creatures burst free

And they feed on your corpse and grow strong

 

So take heed and beware

Live each day and take care

As today could well just be your last

You could die in your chair

No one find you and there

You’d be found, face chewed off by your cats

Screw you haiku

Aah that feels better. Not a mention of the seasons or little golden leaf boats or winters icy fingers…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much. Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous. Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu. I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Lesson well heeded

Never gamble on a fart

Worse first date ever

A limerick about judgement…

Dirty dirty man…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a preacher condemned fornication

And booze, porn, drugs and masturbation

Then was caught by the press

In lipstick, wig and dress

Giving hand jobs to men near the station

Hobbity Bobbity – March Prompts 6/31

“Samwise Gamgee squealed with delight his buttocks clenched quite tight…”

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


 

There was going to be a poem in response to the daily prompt and it was going to start like this:

“She was hobbit bobbity the queen of blow jobbity”

I then thought better.  Not that it would not have been funny – to me at least – it would have, it is just that I don’t really want to besmirch the idea of the Hobbits with the idea of them overly sexual.  Obviously they have hobbit loving but I hold them very dear and as a huge Tolkein fan would prefer to not imagine Pippin and Merry naked, eyes closed enjoying the oral pleasures of the afore mentioned blow jobbity.

You should thank me really because I am doing my very best not to ruin The Lord of the Rings for you by using sentences such as:

“Samwise squealed with delight his buttocks clenched quite tight…”

I realise that would be upsetting for some, and rightly so. No one wants to have to consider the fact that Frodo and dildo kind of rhyme, and god forbid they end up in a sentence such as “Loins on fire Mr Frodo, brandishing knobbly dildo, did approach…”  That would just ruin your Sunday and I just would not want to do that .

So no need to thanks me, let’s just all breathe a collective sigh of relief that this is most definitely not a gratuitously filthy piece about Gandalf’s staff…

Creaky Cranks – March Prompts 5/31

Not really sure what its about, I only had ten minutes…

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


The cranks that creak they get the oil

creation running smooth

The cogs that whir the chimneys belch

The pistons thrust, wheels move

 

Red lights burn bright, see furnace blaze

Hear click and clank and whir

It trundles slowly through the night

Black smoke it fills the air

 

Atop he rides his dour machine

Colleting souls for fuel

Wheels turn, cranks pull and push and thrust

Boned finger pointed, cruel

 

With oil that’s squeezed from those he finds

He greases, handles turned

His cogs and pulleys, back and forth

Remains discarded, burned

 

To fuel his creature, through the dark

In search of those who stray

From light to dark and pledge themselves

Until the end of days

Another horrid limerick

I know I know, “Liquor” and “Lick Her” are kind of the same

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Heard a tale of a quite horny Vicar

Met a nun and he wanted to lick her

From her head to her shins

Then forgive all her sins

Then smoke fags and do shots of string liquor

Fidgety Fiona – March Prompts 4/31

Ooh you better stay away from that Fiona…

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


 

Fidgety Fiona

Was a groaner

And a moaner

And the sort of girl your mother wouldn’t like

 

She would tease

And she would please

And she would have you on your knees

And then maybe she would ride you like a bike

 

She was never sated

Though many men she dated

While some others sat and waited

Hoping maybe soon it might just be their turn

 

But soon it went awry

And Fiona she did die

And the men all wondered why

And soon they were a ghastly truth to learn

 

For it seems Fiona sweet

The dark darling of the street

In the air often her feet

On the corner her wares eagerly parades

 

And the men she satisfied

Very soon withered and died

And their wives gnashed teeth and cried

For Fiona gave them syphilis and aids

 

Screw you haiku

Aah that feels better. Not a mention of the seasons or little golden leaf boats or winters icy fingers…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

He watches her leave

His heart is hers, she knows not

Hid in her bushes

Purple Nurples – March Prompts 3/31

He comes bearing gifts from the new world…

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


He’s the king of the seas, he explores for the queen

And her court they await his delights

He amazes and thrills and his deeds pay the bills

And he looks so damned good in those tights

 

With a flourish and swirl he appears to the court

Women love him and men think he’s great

Walter Reighleigh’s no match for his most recent catch

And the Queen and her court congregate

 

Says Victoria “Do tell, your gift would do most well

To compare to My Walters potato

For it brings me delight so must yours here tonight

else they’ll lop off your head at my say so”

 

So he reached for his bag and the court fell quite still

It was velvet and plush and quite purple

And he reached deep inside and with face filled with pride

He pulled out a quite fab pair of nurple

 

The court gasped quite amazed and the clapped and they raved

Such a sight they had not before seen

He approached to the throne with the pair quite full grown

And presented his gifts to the queen

 

With their bright bush tails and their thick purple scales

And long legs and short arms and pink hair

And their bellies quite round and their low gurgling sound

It was surely a breath taking pair.

 

“Oh how quite wondrous” she said making a fuss

And she held them, and seemed most excited

Walt’s potatoes forgot, and right there on the spot

To his knees and was by the Queen knighted

Screw you haiku

Aah that feels better. Not a mention of the seasons or little golden leaf boats or winters icy fingers…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

All senses heightened

all I can hear, all I see

Eat with your mouth closed

A limerick about a really poor business model

Yet another…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Pioneer said, “Eureka, a plan

I’ll keep pigs on a farm in Iran!

Get your pork” he did shout

“Sausage, bacon and snout”

So they stoned him and blamed the Quran

Fizzy Whizzy’s – March Prompts 1/31

In celebration at the end of a rather serious February

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

You can see the prompts here.


 

The night was cold

And creatures old

Came creeping from the deep

And to your bed

Dreams in your head

They come your soul to keep

 

Long fingers bone

Into your home

The knob they slowly turn

And they possess

The things you bless

And for your keepsakes yearn

 

They feed on lust

Deceit, mistrust

On hearts so black and busy

They see your lies

Your burning thighs

Here come the fizzy wizzy

 

And as dawn breaks

Their prey they take

And never to return

Bed empty left

Of life bereft

Take heed and lesson learn

Screw you haiku

Aah that feels better. Not a mention of the seasons or little golden leaf boats or winters icy fingers…

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

Took her on a date

She blew her nose, made me gag

Think she’s still single