Not sure if this is a thing but I am sure it is somewhere. It works if you get the rhythm. Not that you want to . You’ve been warned.
A perverted yet grateful lass Julie
In bed, poo obsessed and unruly
Do a crap on your chest
In it sign “All the best,
Twas surely a real treat, yours truly.”
Something for the weekend.
Horny friend of mine met this girl called Grace
Adams apple and quite stubbly face
Such a shock he received
At night’s end quite deceived
Her explosion all over his face
It’s somethign I guess.
Jerome, a young fellow from Bruges
had a passion for bobsleigh and luge.
In tight lycra he dressed,
ladies swooned most impressed
as his bulge was eye wateringly huge.
Permit me this one I have been frightfully grown up this week.
Once a grocer consumed with dark greed
rubbed bananas when he had the need
squeezed his nuts, groped his plums
slid courgette’s twixt his buns
Watermelon? He swallowed the seed
😉
Nasty. Real nasty…
A young grocer, reserved and upright
returned late from a hard day one night
Lonely wife had got kinky
left a cucumber stinky
and two aubergines covered in shite
It’s been a week. Let’s have one shall we…It works if you make Peking rhyme with squeaking trust me…
Once a buggery fan born in Peking
one day woke found his sphincter was leaking
used a cork from some rum
rammed it straight up his bum
worked a treat, when it walked made a squeaking.
One about a dildo bike
Once a cock mad na-tu-rist called Mike
bought himself a quite fab dildo bike
Grinning, rides through the grass
as it pummels his ass
Likes it dry, but use lube if you like
Contains wholly inappropriate language. I mean really bad. The ‘C’ word. You were warned.
A tourette’s suffering fine voiced young fellow
joined a group and sang sweet acapello
Until he stood at the front
shouted “Tit, shit, fuck, cunt”
in a rather deep baritone bellow
I went on a bit of a road trip today to look at a van (which I bought and shall cover in a future post). I was driving along a snowy back water in Cheshire pondering how I might do a gif drawing of a dildo bike with accompanying limerick (watch out for that on Saturday) when ‘accapello’ and ‘fellow ‘ just dropped into my head. That is often the way with limericks atually. I get the three rhying words and that usually ests up the whole thing.
Anyway this one occured to me. I rather enjoyed it and even had a chuckle, but alas I then forgot it. Now this actually happens a lot but I don’t usually mind because there are always more to be had but this one I liked.
After about 45 minutes of racking my brain it eventually came back to me and I am glad it did. Offensive on a number of fronts I am sure but I remain rather proud of it. Oh and there’s one to follow about a Dildo bike. Cannot wait to do the GIF for it!
Old school with nothing weird…kinda…sorta…
Once a man with legs crooked and bowed
staggered drunk late one night down the road
when he started to vomit
got flung over a bonnet
and a semi squished him like a toad
Well I dont know where that came from but it’s somethign I guess. It’s only a dodgy limerick after all, not like Im out luring kids into vans with puppies and sweets.
To celebrate the day having a ‘Y’ in it.
There’s this butcher, finds piglets appealing
turns him on, curly tails and hot squealing
how it makes him flip out
when he touches their snout
rubs their bellies, gets hot at the feeling
As all good limericks should be. And some rubbish ones.
Epileptic priest had a dark twisted feeiling
found the choir boys quite cute and appealing
Touched himself, had a seizure
and like a yellowstone geyser
Ejaculated and splattered the ceiling
A limerick of sorts
Married lass with a terrible habit
A few drinks and well, she would grab it
She just could not resist
Wild affairs when she’s pissed
Now divorced sits at home with her rabbit
A limerick
Thetes this chap I know with diabetes
Still insists on his cakes and his sweeties
With delight he’ll devour
Chocolate bars every hour
Gangetene struck, no toes on his feeties
A limerick for you
One a chubby young fellow from niece
Had a craving for lard, fat and grease
A desire for cake
For fried foods he did ache
Now his stomach hangs down to his knees
Well, its something I suppose
Once a big strapping fellow called andy
Saw his wife’s thong n thought “that looks dandy”
He perfected the look
With a shave and a tuck
Now on weekends prefers to be Mandy
Poor him. poor hobo. Poor you.
A young fellow who’d never been kissed
Felt aggrieved at the things he had missed
So went out on the town
A few shots he drank down
Humped a tramp n got aids rather pissed
_______________________
Okay so I realize that escalated rather quickly. Limericks have a way of doing that though. Lines one to four flow just fine and before you know it this poor virgins giving hand jobs to homeless people under a bridge.
And all he wanted was some love.
Dirty bugger
🙂
what a cruel man though rather cosy and warm…
Swedish vet took a couple of kittens
Turned them into a pair of warm mittens
Sewed his dogs into hats
Made a scarf with 12 rats
Perfect wares for cold winter conditions
Tasty…mmm
Once a butcher who’s marriage had soured
Killed his wife and her liver devoured
Made a pie with her thighs
And kebabs with her eyes
Fried her heart lightly spiced, dipped and floured
Go on you know you want to
Wealthy woman who’s husband had strayed
And enjoyed coital bliss with their maid
Now she irons cleans n mends
“Hes on business” pretends
As she smashed in their heads with a spade
Think he got it on wish…
Once a lonely chap ordered from china
A state of the art fake vagina
Came with booklet of tips
How to best use the lips
And he reckons he’s not had one finer
Squishy
Once a bloke, for ‘the one’ he was waiting
spent his nights quite alone masturbating
Past his prime with regret
He went onto the net
Bought himself a girlfriend, self inflating
Sploosh!
Once a lass who loved marvel most dearly
And insisted “beats dc quite clearly!”
Loves them now though i bet
Aquamam got her wet
Made her sploosh as she writhed quite severely
Wrote that one for the wife and her friends who have a film club and who normally enjoy highbrow kind of stuff and the good romcom but recently felt that they would rather enjoy Aquaman. For a bit of a change u know.
Funny they weren’t fussed about superhero stuff before.
Blah blah limerick blah
A young lad with a craving for porn
Who would watch from late night until dawn
Please himself with such joy
Bought himself a large toy
Now his anus is tattered and torn
who left that lying around?
A young lady upset and quite sad
As her boyfriend had treat her most bad
‘Till revenge it was served
In short skirt and much verve
When she spent the whole night on his dad
That is why they cannot have nice things. Or salad.
Kinky couple, seems they had forgotten
‘Bout the veges she’d placed in his bottom.
Quite uncomfy as hell
And my god what a smell
Pretty nasty when they had turned rotten
Afterwards 