Tag: sex

A rum fellow who hailed from Phuket

Every day he would drink to forget

How his wife would cavort

With men at the resort

Hated swimming but loved to get wet

 

 

 

 

A hormonal young teenager Ricky

who awoke every day rather sticky

and each morning’s first task

was a pretty tough ask

unglue him from his sheets – rather tricky

 

 

 

Heard you’re down in the dumps – hugs and smiles

seems you have a bad case of the piles

and they’re hanging like grapes

and your butt really gapes

eat more bran they’ll be fine in a while

 

 

 

Lad I know, met a girl, made a pass

problem was uncontrollable gas

though quite perfectly suited

they’d make love and he tooted

now he’s single, well you can’t blame the lass

 

 

 

Newly married, bride said “you need practice”

she professed to be pure, such an actress

would have ended in tears

had he known through the years

she’d enjoyed far more pricks than a cactus.

Once a chap with type 2 diabetes

Disregarded advice so much so he’s

Gone and lost all his toes

And the tip of his nose

As he just cannot stay off the sweeties

Get well soon hope it really stops swelling

Heard the pains pretty bad can’t stop yelling

Doubled up in such pain

From your toes to your brain

And its weeping and pretty bad smelling

 

 

 

 

Once a fellow with vague recollection

From a night out brought home an infection

Blamed it all on the booze

As it started to ooze

“Looks like herpes” said the doc on inspection

 

 

“Check your prostate” my friend’s wife insisted

so he went pants dropped face, red and twisted

he enjoyed it so much

and went home and begged such

that each night he’s oiled up, roughly fisted

Geriatric old artist called Jude

liked to walk round the house in the nude

paint still life’s in the buff

neighbour cried, “Please, enough”

close the curtains, your plums look most stewed”

Veterinarian fond on iguanas

gazed with lust at frogs monkeys and llamas

he’d come over all queer

at the site of a deer

and just couldn’t be trusted by farmers

 

 

 

 

There once was a singleton, Kate

met a tinder lad, went on a date

she felt rather aggrieved

his pics seems, did deceive

Cos a headshot didn’t show his huge weight

 

 

 

 

Once a fellow who defeated cancer

said “I’ll be an exotic male dancer

loving life is a must

I shall work on my thrust

a spray tan and gold thong is the answer”

 

A deflated young lass she did snigger

tinder date, she had hoped for much bigger

she persisted and tried

but was unsatisfied

Barely started, then over, hair trigger

 

 

 

 

Hypochondriac doctor call Steven

In good health but he was not believin’

caught a cold, said the flu

dysentery, just a poo

claimed TB, just a chest cold, some wheezin’

Once a boastful, unkind type of chap

who made others feel small, piece of crap

but then fell on hard times

sells his anus for dimes

and has picked up aids, syphilis and clap

A hot blooded young baker called dicky

had a thing for hot bread and so quick he

would fondle baguette

blush and stammer and sweat

and his fingers would end up quite sticky

 

Once a president mouth full of lies

fond of grabbing women twixt the thighs

One of the world’s greatest turds

cant remember song words

No matter just how hard he tries

 

A mechanic with spanners quite handy

Steve mid week but at weekends fair Mandy

some would say he looked weird

in a dress, cock and beard

though to some well he looks pretty dandy

 

 

 

Once a scholar of highest esteem

Oxford dean and old friend of the Queen

though behind the closed doors

a purveyor of whores

big fan of being spanked and whipped queen

 

 

Pervert caught, got a tip off, quite handy

outside school with a van full of candy

how they loved him in jail

every night he would wail

passed around, all dressed up, called him Mandy

 

 

 

 

 

A gym goer who so enjoyed Monday

lycra clad, pulse would race such a fun day

he would get little done

open mouthed, drooling some

for the ladies you see, it was buns day

There’s this vegetable seller Lynette

who sees marrows, goes red starts to sweat

gets embarrassed and flustered

be they red, green or mustard

lost control one time with a courgette

 

 

 

A cross eyed young dentist called Steven

had teeth that stuck out, most uneven

he could not understand

when he smiled, shook their hand

why they suddenly up’d and were leaving