Happy Tuesday!
A Fat fellow of girth quite unique
out of breath when he walked, couldn’t speak
So he cut down on Lard
trained incredibly hard
Fell down dead, heart attack, in first week.
What? You thought it would have a happy ending? Ha!
a convenient arrangement…
A gold digger so very demanding
Clothes, Jewels, Cars all of the finest branding
his neck she’d sweetly kiss
as he tries to resist
in his trousers she’d then slip her hand in.
filthy stuff
Politician of high social station
took some tablets, sever constipation
halfway through a debate
such an explosive fate
shat his pants live in front of the nation
more toilet humour I’m afraid
Once a fellow who rather liked blogging
Was forever the toilet unclogging
He’d insist it’s a must
When the toilet’s unflushed
that his children are due for a flogging
Doesn’t quite read brilliantly but you get the idea
A master baker used iced fingers
To seduce two sisters, both cute gingers
Should have known they’d find out
And they did, have no doubt
as he gave them both aids, and that lingers
I promise. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.
Once A brave young knight of Camelot
Yearned for pork chops and ham piping hot
Sadly times were austere
So each night with his beer
He had trotters and snout in his pot
it happens I’m sure.
A quite curious frustrated vicar
said “I need to get laid” on the liquor
but hes dull and no looker
so he’s out with a hooker
with big boobs cos they get him off quicker
Just something before bed
Once a lady of quite ill repute
played the penis just like ’twas a flute
she would give the girls tips
on the best use of lips
and then strum it like playing a lute
winky face
A lady with bosoms aplenty
Proved a hit with the men of the gentry
They succumbed to her wiles
And her winks and her smiles
But to church she was oft refused entry
It happens…
A fellow from Bangor I met
Had a shirt that was soaked through with sweat
As he’d been on the run
From a priest and a nun
And a Bishop who’s wife he got wet
True story apparently.
Once a young single woman called Wendy
who in bed was fantastically bendy
after one or two beers
had her legs round her ears
with the chaps was incredibly trendy
yum
Friend of mine had this girlfriend called Lucy
Rather thin, none the less quite a beauty
Fed her bagels and chips
Ribs cakes burgers and dips
Now shes perfect, round curvy and juicy
Type 2 apparently
A Greek chap I know Theo Grafitis
Filled his face with cakes biscuits and sweeties
Grew progressively wider
On sweet apple cider
Nearly died, lost his toes, Diabetes
it happens…
I tried to write a limerick once before and failed which you can read about here. But today I got close. Nowhere near the true horror but it’s a start.
Chap a know big fan of one night stands
got quite drunk and as part of plans
took a lass to his place
now has scabs on his face
and his knob and a rash on his hands
And this is why
Flame haired fellow from the Hebrides
had a penis that came to his knees
in his kilt he’d go out
women swooned and would shout
as it swung happily in the breze
So to speak…
A Cheese loving nudist from Caracus
thought he had something wrong with his knackers
thought maybe it was crabs
or some nasty dried scabs
but turns out was just crumbs from the crackers
So to speak…
For those of you who read this know this would likely follow…
Lonely chap on the net bought a Russian
Rather forward she left the lad blushing
She’d explode like a geyser
The more he would please her
He’d be really quite soaked from the gushing
Just indulge me this one…
Evengelical reds on the right
Praise the lord them and Donald so tight
Seems that Jesus forgives
Porn star sex if you live
In the house on the hill oh so white.
Think cold play would spoil it to be honest.
Once a fair faced young damsel from Gwent
at a festival went to her tent
with a handsome young buck
who it seems was in luck
then watched cold play, smoked weed, rather spent
If you don’t know what it is then dont look into it. If you do then shame on you.
Friend of mine wed this chap, quite the bloke
things got stale and it wasn’t no joke
He said “let’s spice things up
– watch 2 girls and 1 cup”
Now he’s single, she’s back at her folks
cheeky
Once a butcher quite proud of his meat
Claimed his beef was so juicy and sweet
said he’s happy to fillet
claims he won’t even bill it
and his sausage, wink wink, quite a treat
Roll on judgement day
There once lived a priest in Madrid
Was not proud of the bad thing he did
Had a thing for the choir
Made them sing high notes higher
Got caught now in Vatican hid
she got off too
A wife who was tired of life
Boorish husband and just endless strife
So ungrateful and rude
violent bad attitude
Cut him up with a large kitchen knife
That’ll sting
Oldish Friend of mine married a porter
Had a thing for his mid twenties daughter
She took out her large toy
Which called ‘big black boy’
Made her gag and her eyes start to water
Should have read the label
Body builder bought steroids in Leeds
From a chap who said he’d serve his needs
Now its shrunken his bits
though its give him great tits
And its totally wiped out his seeds
Afterwards 