Tag: splash

Heard you’re sick, quite unwell, chesty wheeze

Get well soon and stay hydrated, please

Hope you’re soon on the mend

It’s quite gross, can’t pretend

As your bum still explodes when you sneeze

There once was a baker from Crete

Who loved pastries, pies, cakes, all so sweet

Grew quite portly and round

If he looks at the ground

He now cant see his penis or feet

Fred, a cannibal, loved valentine

To devour someone sweet, 69

To the spleen, he would toast

As he ate anus roast

And sweet nipples he’d pickled in brine

Once a Fruit and veg lover, obsessed

He would daily large eggplants molest

Rubbed Green beans on his loins

Cabbage stiffened his groins

Fruit salad oft rubbed on his chest

A Cannibalistic Mechanic

So loved Cubans and all things Hispanic

Livers, kidneys from Spain

Tasty Mexican brain

Sweet Peruvian heart made him manic

Once a mistress on more she insisted

Wanted love not just sex, dark and twisted

Tenderness, love, respect

Instead anus, quite wrecked

As her fellow her bottom rough fisted

Once a buxom lass sweetest Consuela

Seeking love, left her home, Venezuela

A Romanian chap

Who she met, gave her clap

Well endowed, called him, Vlad the impaler

An embalmer who hailed from near Whiting

Found the deceased putrefaction inviting

Caressed post mortem stitches

‘till it stiffened his britches

Found the firm rigor mortis exciting

Once a quite lonely farmer from Leeds

On his tractor he rode with dark needs

Dreamt of plouging and plucking

Quite aroused at bulls bucking

Fantasised about sewing his seeds

Once a fellow a young lass was wooing

Did a fart and alas started pooing

Weel, so much for discreet

Soiled his pants in the street

And it dripped from his pant leg, foul viewing

A vigourous jerker from Kent

Found his penis one morning quite bent

Many years of abusing

Always left hand twas using

Left him crooked, lopsided, when spent

Friend of mine met a girl, dating started

Shit himself when he thought he’d just farted

He was out on a date

Though it turned out quite great

Coprophiliac, got her legs parted

Not sure what a coprophiliac is?  Google it.  Dare you.

Actually it reminded me of these from years ago…

Fetish Haiku – Chasmophilia

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fetish Haiku – Forniphilia

A quite fresh tasting woman called Coral

Who demanded each morning great oral

Kept herself super clean

Front and back, in between

Douched wih lotions sweet scented and floral

A woman got picked up and drugged

and a fellow got beaten and mugged

but I said to the wife

at least we’ve a good life

she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.

There once lived a plumber in Dorset

loved ladies and great with his fawcet

spanner, plunger and rod

was a handy old sod

and should it not fit, he would force it

There once was a pervert from Leicester

who young boys on the web would try pester

He then became a priest

and on children would feast

now a cardinal, hell bound molester

A carnivorous chap from Tobruk

on the toilet he quivered and shook

for he would not eat greens

fibre, roughage or beans

and my god such a long time he took

Once a chap who lived south of the border

placed a custom job sex doll web order

Tiny mouth, googly eyes

nipples large, like pork pies

a big butt ‘cos he like his dames broader

Oh poor dear, heard the news, its reported

You’re unwell due to something you snorted

And your wife kicked you out

you picked up nasty gout

And to selling your ass you’ve resorted

Heard you had a problem with your zip

and your foreskin, it had quite the rip

that you sqealed like a pig

jumped around, did a jig

as you bled from your balls to the tip

Once a lonely young fellow called Bertie

Placed an add, for a lass, “Rather dirty,

Some big dildos you’re packing

Into kink and tarmacking

Intense BDSM, and face squirting”

Oh and if you do search up tarmacking its not my fault. I don’t even know how I know about it and I wish I didn’t but alas, I do.

Hope you feel better soon, hear you’re hurting

That your tummy’s upset, shit’s been squirting

And the bed’s rather soiled

Sheets will need to be boiled

Disinfect the walls, carpet and skirting

Get well soon, heard you pick up a chill

get some tissues, perhaps take a pill

wrap up warm, watch TV

have some honey filled tea

Oh it’s cancer?  Shit sorry I didn’t realise.  I was told it was just a…What only a month?  That’s all?  Oh bloody hell mate I am sorry.  How is the wife about it?  Yeah I bet she needs some comforting. Don’t worry pal, I will look after her for you.

Sorry.  It’s all this serious poetry I have been doing.  It makes me do things.  Bad things.  You should see how skitish the cats are at the moment…