food – Page 5 – Afterwards

Dieting. 5.

really not my fault

Just a quick update as I am rather full of meat and my eyes are slowly closing.

We took the kids to a comedy club thingamajig tonight as it is my eldest boys birthday next week, and they took a couple of friends with them. The evening was pleasant enough, and afterwards we thought we would take them all for dinner to TGI Fridays.

I was convinced that I was in a good place upon entering, and despite the kids all ordering ribs, which I am rather partial to, I asked for the duck salad. Duck salad right! That is actually a thing. Salad. With Duck. Whatever next.

Anyway, so there I am feeling great about the choice I just made, when the waitress heads back over. They are all out of Duck Salad.

I do wonder whether they ever actually had any you know. It really does not sound like something you should be making. Salad with duck. I think it is on there as a joke and they are convinced that nobody will ever take it seriously enough to order it.

I don’t really know how it happened, I think maybe I felt pressured into a quick decision as she was stood waiting for my revised order, but I just blurted out ribs and before I know it I am licking Jack Daniels sauce from my fingers and picking succulent pig from my teeth.

I had done rather well all day up to that point too.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Sleep well, I certainly will.

P.S. I ate the chips too.

Dieting. 4.

A piece in which I mention sweaty bottoms quite a lot.

So yesterday was somewhat more difficult given that I had a full day work event followed by Christmas Dinner and drinks. But, I came away not completely disappointed in myself – quite surprisingly.

I did not indulge in any of the huge pile of biscuits and chocolates that were available on arrival which I thought was a real victory given that in the past I would have been the one that opened them and got stuck in first.

I cannot say the same of big fat Simon though, he rumbled into the room, reached across the table exposing his hairy arse crack, proclaimed “Ooh biscuits” and tucked in. Perhaps that’s the key to appetite suppression. Every time you’re tempted to eat squirty cream straight from the can you have to look at a picture of a large man’s hairy toilet equipment.

At lunchtime I ate only the same as a normal person, avoiding the cream cakes and sticking to a couple of sandwiches and the treat of a frightfully small piece flap jack for pudding. I did get a queer look from a couple of people when I was spotted eating a fruit kebab thing and a couple of carrot sticks and some hummus. Rather than admitting to being on a diet I explained that I was saving myself for the Christmas dinner later on.

All I really wanted to do was smash cream buns into my face in the toilet where no one could judge me.

Dinner was ordered months ago so there was not much I could do and I had a lovely pumpkin soup starter. I seem to have then ordered a burger followed by Christmas pudding. I remembered some of the encouragement I have received on here and decided to not eat the chips (fries). This would have worked had they cleared the table sooner, but they took a while so by the time they did I had eaten half. But not eating half is something I would never have done before. I would have eaten all of mine and then coveted other peoples chips. Pretty sure the bible has strong views on such things. As good as I felt about it I could think of nothing else when I got home and had real regret over not eating them.

So all in all a way better day than I had expected.

This afternoon I am thinking of popping to the hypnotist to see whether they can help me get the image of big Simon’s dirty parts out of my head.

Have a good weekend!

Dieting. 3.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay so I’m going to double up on the posts on this to get caught up so I can post daily on the matter if I so choose.

2 days in and the worse thing I have put into my mouth was a cheeky spoonful of that chicken pie I wrote about last time which my eldest had for his tea. That’s not bad because a lot of you have done a damn site worse.

Yes you. You know who you are. Don’t make me add a winky face to make my point.

There have been natural yogurts, salads, omelettes and all manner of things that seemed in a relatively unprocessed form. Novel I know. I even resisted the work Christmas Dinner in the canteen today and had a salad box instead.

The salad itself was fine and I felt fairly full afterwards. I was though really confused about something called QUINOA.

What the bloody hell is that. As if couscous isn’t bad enough with its bland offensiveness they went and slipped this stuff in there. I thought it looked okay, and hoped perhaps it might be a little spicy. It wasn’t.

Four hours later I am still finding bits of it in my mouth and in my clothes as I was forced to try spit it out and got it all over myself. What the hell is it? It managed to absorb all the moisture in my mouth and left me really rather parched indeed.

I’m assuming none of you have eaten it as you all seem quite happy types.

Anyway, it was just a quickie tonight. I think I am going to bed – I need to hydrate and get my strength up because it is the official Christmas Dinner tomorrow and I am assured there is no quinoa on the menu.

Dieting. 2.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay, so I posted about my intentions with regards to weight loss and one day in it went okay. I had more fruit than I normally would, I had a chicken Caesar wrap for lunch and for dinner pilchards on toast. There was plenty of water and I had a small bag of nuts and seeds because I apparently need to get more good cholesterol in me.

So that’s all very positive. I will admit though I so wanted to eat that delicious looking chicken pie sat looking at me whenever I open the fridge. It just screams “eat me you fat bastard, ram me into your hungry hole right now and to hell with your high blood pressure because you know I am going to taste so damned good.”

Pies are awful creatures they really are. I was once set upon by two sausage and tomato pies and a Cornish pasty and it took all my efforts to fight them off and devour them (all in self-defence I might add).

Aah good times.

Oh and how hard I had to resist buying a trifle when I popped to the shops. If I had bought it I know for a fact that I would have found myself eating it wearing only my underpants stood in front of the fridge at 3am, waking with a custard moustache and wondered why I wasn’t in the mood for breakfast.

Custard moustache…ha. Sounds like a sex act.

“Yeah man I took her back to my place and she gave me a custard moustache…”

Anyway, the struggle is real trust me.

But I didn’t, instead I did the things I know I need to do and have also started today with porridge. I sexed it up with a few raisins and a sprinkling of coconut. Rock and roll baby!

Wonder if I can now get into those jeans I haven’t been able to squeeze into for years. It has been an entire day after all.

Dieting. 1.

Let’s give it another go eh

So it turns out that after posting about dieting here and here I did very little about the matter. There were a few apples and some lighter lunchtime options enjoyed at work when I set out but there were also loose handfuls of quality street chocolates and overflowing plates of pie and mash washed down with mince pies and stollen.

Sadly it turns out a salad on a Tuesday will not in any way make up for a McDonalds Big Tasty on a Wednesday. And yes, I went large.

In some ways that is almost enough to convert me from my atheist ways. Only a force of pure evil would make a mouth watering burger total 1300 calories and a light ham salad with a splash of vinaigrette a mere 250. If such evil exists then surely there is a balance of goodness out there somewhere.

Anyway I am thinking that if I write about it a little more then perhaps that will make me feel somewhat more accountable. Or maybe a lot more. I know you will all be frightfully encouraging too.

So keep an eye out for how it goes, might be fun.

I seem to be on a diet

I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge…

I wrote previously about being fat, and since that post – despite great consideration – did precisely nothing about it. Unless of course you were to count the two meals below, which I think may actually have had exactly the opposite effect of a nice salad and a walk in the park. I am no nutritionist though, so cannot be absolutely certain on that point.

The feast above was enjoyed (and shared) at Miller and Carter in Huddersfield, and whilst there is an abundance of Salad I imagine the benefits were likely undone by the lashings of dressing and the presence of an entire deep fried crab. Again, I would welcome a steer on that point from someone in the know.

Now the next meal I enjoyed at the Bottomley Arms in Halifax, and the ultimate burger seems something they are rather proud of.

After eating as much of it as I could, washed down with a cheeky gin and tonic or two, I realised that perhaps any item of food that has the word ‘Ultimate’ in the description is unlikely to prepare one for a lengthy session in the gym.

Equally, another indication as to its inappropriateness for exertion of any type other than the loosening of one’s belt and sweating on the way back to the car may have been the use of the phrase ‘…and even more onion rings and cheese…”

I’m pretty sure it had pulled pork on it. I vaguely recall the use of the words ‘succulent’, ‘juicy’ and ‘hand pulled’ at some point in the evening.

Anyway, I checked both Slimming World and Weight Watchers websites in the hope that perhaps I could pass them off under a few ‘healthy B’s’ or maybe they might come in under a daily ‘points total’ but alas not. Both sites simply confirmed that not only am I big boned with a healthy appetite but I am also somewhat delusional.

So, that being said I awoke this morning and for some reason thought, “why don’t you get on the scale.” You want to know the number don’t you. Yeah well I think perhaps I’ll keep that for another day but what I will say is that I decided that I would have a go at not having bacon for breakfast and take it from there. What I did have was this:

It was ok I guess, for a breakfast that was not pork based. What I will say is that I didn’t need a lie down after it so that’s something right?

Admittedly, I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge. I was worried though that should I have a stroke and fall down dead at that very moment it would scar the kids for life when they found me lying there, clad only in my underpants, Eton mess spilling from my mouth and looking like I’d succumbed to rabies.

So we shall see how it goes, and I will continue to share. I may well have to change the featured image in this photo if I get a chance later because I feel like that woman with the fruit is just mocking me.

On the matter of eating endangered species

Following a drunken discussion at the pub.

I would not eat a panda

it does not appeal to me

Despite it being grass fed

and not tough and quite juicy

It’s flesh I would not sauté

bake or broil or steam or fry

I would not make some pastry

and then bake it in a pie

Please do not serve me blue whale

it would surely be obscene

To brown it in a skillet

with chopped garlic and some cream

I could not sample blow hole

or a steak of flesh most pink

Do not prepare me sperm whale

or an orca or a mink

Bald Eagle’s off the menu

it could never pass my lips

I’d never shallow fry it

And then serve it with some chips

Please do not bring it to me

if you do I will reject

The smorgasbord of tasty

claws and wings and beaks and necks

Be gone you furry entrée

do not ask me to abide

A puppy stuffed with kitten

and Koala on the side

It leaves me feeling queasy

and on me it does repeat

I gag on eucalyptus

flavoured mar-su-pi-al meat

I’d never eat a chilli

made of simians for sure

Orang-utan with lentils

that I surely would deplore

I’d not enjoy chim-pan-zee

milk poached with fresh vanilla

I’d rather eat a salad

than bar-be-cued gorilla

But pig and cow I’ll gorge on

and chickens fill the belly

Once eels I even sampled

But the hot ones not in jelly

So why’s each species different

some not headed for the pot

whilst others we eat freely

quite delicious cold or hot

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Fancy something else?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/shallow/

Soil – An Armitage Tangent

“A scotch egg is not a fruit!” Wednesday insisted forcefully, “it is an egg wrapped in sausage meat then crumbed and deep fried!”

“All I’m saying” replied Thomas, “Is that if you use your imagination, and think of it maybe as a meat apple then it maybe could be.” He paused for a moment. “Don’t you think?”

Wednesday did not think. Not for one moment.

“Why do you insist on being so completely ridiculous?” He ranted, face flushed and his jaw clenched. “I swear you do it just to annoy me!”

“What if I gave you an apple flavoured one?”

“That’s a bloody apple!” Wednesday raged. “We’ve got a job to do here – stop going on about scotch egg flavoured apples and apple flavoured scotch eggs and dig!”

“What about an orange flavoured one?”

“Ok, you know full well that an orange flavoured apple flavoured scotch egg is a bleeding orange!” A vein pulsed just above his right temple. “Just keep digging and stop being an idiot.”

Thomas allowed himself just a little smile. He loved Wednesday deeply but he was a frightful bore at times and took things far too seriously. No imagination at all sadly. “It’s nature’s goodness Wednesday” he grinned, attempting to push the large brown pork ball into his friend’s hand. “Here”, he said “Take a bite they’re delicious!”

Wednesday hit Thomas’ hand away and the scotch egg fell to the floor “Stop it!” he shouted, “I don’t want a bloody pork apple!”

“So you admit it then!” Thomas laughed in delight, picking up the scotch egg from the floor “Oh Wednesday, you are funny. You won’t grow if you don’t eat your vegetables” he teased.

Wednesday did not find any of this funny at all. His sense of humour was not his strong suite. It served very little purpose in his line of work.

“Just keep digging the hole and then we’ll get out of here” he said thrusting a shovel into Thomas’ free hand.

“I don’t see why I always have to do the digging “ said thomas “you could help”.

Wednesday rolled his head, bones cracking in his neck. “You dig because I do most of the killing” he replied curtly. “If you want to do more of the killing then I will quite happily dig but if you insist of eating scotch eggs and being an idiot then you get to dig.”

“I only asked, bloody hell mate” Thomas said “This should be deep enough anyway, drag him over I’ll get him covered up.”

Thomas shovelled the majority of the soil over what was quite obviously the body of a rather portly gentleman, a single polished shoe protruding from a thick white wrapping that did very little to hide what was inside.

“Job Done” Thomas said satisfactorily, brushing the dust from his clothes.

Wednesday smiled “You got any of those scotch eggs left, I’m starving.”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/soil/

Edible – Daily Prompt

I would often think that my first born was a fussy eater. From the earliest age he would take a spoonful of the lovingly prepared broccoli and tuna paste I had whipped up and spit it back out with such delight, perhaps pausing only to rub it into his hair or hurl it across the kitchen.

“What’s wrong Sam?” I would ask, pretending that the heaving spoon full of pulverised cauliflower and chicken was a train and his mouth the tunnel. “Choo Choo here comes the dinner train!”. He looked at me with such distaste and promptly closed the tunnel for maintenance works.

The meals were nutritionally balanced and everything that a growing boy would need. They were also a bugger to get out of the carpets.

I once managed to persuade him to eat a Tuna, sweet potato and sweetcorn mush, and proud as only a new father can be I rewarded his with time In the bouncer which we hung from the kitchen door frame. Once I had finished cleaning up my wife was quick to remind me that I should have known that allowing a child to bounce so wildly so soon after eating would “quite obviously” result in throwing up.

Oh how I wish Pizza was a vegetable.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/edible/