its not my fault words rhyme so deliciously
“Check your prostate” my friend’s wife insisted
so he went pants dropped face, red and twisted
he enjoyed it so much
and went home and begged such
that each night he’s oiled up, roughly fisted
Something for the weekend sir?
Geriatric old artist called Jude
liked to walk round the house in the nude
paint still life’s in the buff
neighbour cried, “Please, enough”
close the curtains, your plums look most stewed”
Oh happy day
Veterinarian fond on iguanas
gazed with lust at frogs monkeys and llamas
he’d come over all queer
at the site of a deer
and just couldn’t be trusted by farmers
though nothing much to see
There once was a singleton, Kate
met a tinder lad, went on a date
she felt rather aggrieved
his pics seems, did deceive
Cos a headshot didn’t show his huge weight
Don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Once a fellow who defeated cancer
said “I’ll be an exotic male dancer
loving life is a must
I shall work on my thrust
a spray tan and gold thong is the answer”
One about internet hook-ups and massive disappointments in the trouser department.
A deflated young lass she did snigger
tinder date, she had hoped for much bigger
she persisted and tried
but was unsatisfied
Barely started, then over, hair trigger
Take two of these and call yourself in the morning.
Hypochondriac doctor call Steven
In good health but he was not believin’
caught a cold, said the flu
dysentery, just a poo
claimed TB, just a chest cold, some wheezin’
Not much I know…
Once a boastful, unkind type of chap
who made others feel small, piece of crap
but then fell on hard times
sells his anus for dimes
and has picked up aids, syphilis and clap
you’d think I’d get bored wouldn’t you…
A hot blooded young baker called dicky
had a thing for hot bread and so quick he
would fondle baguette
blush and stammer and sweat
and his fingers would end up quite sticky
Childish insults
Once a president mouth full of lies
fond of grabbing women twixt the thighs
One of the world’s greatest turds
cant remember song words
No matter just how hard he tries
Oh sweet crassness, thy name is limerick
A mechanic with spanners quite handy
Steve mid week but at weekends fair Mandy
some would say he looked weird
in a dress, cock and beard
though to some well he looks pretty dandy
Why not eh…
Once a scholar of highest esteem
Oxford dean and old friend of the Queen
though behind the closed doors
a purveyor of whores
big fan of being spanked and whipped queen
nothing to see move along…
Pervert caught, got a tip off, quite handy
outside school with a van full of candy
how they loved him in jail
every night he would wail
passed around, all dressed up, called him Mandy
Its been a long time since I allowed myself to stray to thoughts of the D
Oh Melania seems you’ve gone missing
Is it ‘cos you hub loves shower pissing?
maybe ‘cos he hates facts
poor, sick, needy and blacks
and spent fortunes on porn stars french kissing
I know I know, day, day and day but hey live a little 🙂
A gym goer who so enjoyed Monday
lycra clad, pulse would race such a fun day
he would get little done
open mouthed, drooling some
for the ladies you see, it was buns day
It actually surprises me that you’re surprised after all this time.
There’s this vegetable seller Lynette
who sees marrows, goes red starts to sweat
gets embarrassed and flustered
be they red, green or mustard
lost control one time with a courgette
then its bed time…
A cross eyed young dentist called Steven
had teeth that stuck out, most uneven
he could not understand
when he smiled, shook their hand
why they suddenly up’d and were leaving
Just had a few I needed to get off my chest
A god fearing vicar called Martin
so loved Jesus but couldn’t stop farting
he would speak of God’s grace
let one go and the place
starts to gag, congregations eyes smarting
A friend of a friend of a friend…
Bloke I know loves to write limerick
some are twisted and vile, most are sick
though they may be most daft
tries to make people laugh
when they know they should not, that’s the trick
I bet it’s a true story. Google it you’ll see…
Well to do wife screwed her trainer
at her wish he choked, spanked and restrained her
but it went all awry
asphyxiated did die
now he wishes he’d been an abstainer
Why the dickens not eh
Wandering husband said ‘Babe you’re too fat’
Started sleeping with hookers the twat
So she lost loads of weight
And divorced, now looks great
He got aids and then died, fancy that
Just one will be fine, no one will know.
Once a woman who loved with devotion
Said its not size that matters but motion
Though alas in the wet
He would toil he would sweat
Tiny boat set adrift on vast ocean
Wholly inappropriate. I think you’ll like it.
A friend of mine does like to gush
bout his lady friends wild pubic bush
extolls its shag, thick and nice
says she back combs it twice
and conditions it to keep it lush
Go on, I know you want one….And yes, that is how you spell it. Fflint…
There once was a fellow Fflint
sold his body because he was skint
you’d be shocked at the cash
that he got for his ass
opinion was it was quite mint
And no work tomorrow because it’s a bank holiday here in England. Get in!!!
Veterinarian, fond of his horse
was accused of such vile intercourse
though there was just no proof
save some stuff on a hoof
he denied it and showed no remorse
Afterwards 