Diet’s going well
willing to trade first born child
for pizza and cake
It won’t take long to read trust me…
Diet’s going well
willing to trade first born child
for pizza and cake
Weekend ahoy and we know what that means…I do hope you feel better soon.
Heard you had a problem with your zip
and it caused a quite nasty large rip
got it stitched, put on cream
when you piss makes you scream
got infected and started to drip
But I don’t aim particularly high.
On “Men” said a woman from Texas
“They’re like dogs, and oh my how they vex us
They wont leave you alone
’till they’ve buried the bone
disappear and then wont even text us”
Let’s end the day with this shall we
A young lass with a vegetable fettish
saw a marrow and got rather wettish
zucchini clasped in each hand
she would loudly demand
“In my bottom please place a crisp lettuce!”
Then to bed with you!
Once an amorous fellow from France
when alone he would take off his pants
for he could not resist
the sweet lure of the wrist
as he had little luck with romance
It probably happens all the time. Just not to people you know.
Star crossed lovers and destined by fate
a connection so deep and most great
then he let himself go
so she slept with his bro
and ran off with the dad of his mate
There’s always room for more 😉
Sun, beer garden
all day drinking then curry
Morning breath from hell
Well I never…
A poor fellow from deep Senegal
lost his penis and most of a ball
drank all day in the sun
whisky beer gin and rum
legs akimbo fell off of a wall
A tale of caution and short shorts.
A corruptible fellow from Chad
had a thing for his girlfriends hot dad
he seduced with tight shorts
enjoyed sensual sports
but got aids and then died, oh how sad
And I mean them all…for a friend of mine.
A kind man had a quite evil wife
took the kids broke his heart oh such strife
Though I think theres an answer
how I hope she gets cancer
and it shortens the evil crones life.
Don’t worry no one will know.
They shout ‘MAGA’ and feed on your fears
he’s the saviour they’ve wanted for years
free to fondle and kiss
loves to shower in piss
takes a bath in a pool of kids tears
I’ll just leave this here…
An adventurous fellow called Ted
like to wear women’s nickers to bed
though his wife seemed to care
he looked better than her
killed the mood and the moment quite dead
The dreaded social situation…
Well it’s a week and a half and still going well. I accidentally ate a couple of chips off of my wife’s plate (fries for you Americans) which was just habit and I tell you they were awful.
Actually they weren’t they were bloody lovely. They were all coated in salt and vinegar but I resisted shovelling them all into my gaping cake hole and pretending to Mrs Michael that they’d accidentally fell on the floor and needed to be binned whilst wiping salt from my lips.
As a family we’ve been a lot better about not buying things on the sweeter side of the spectrum though Mrs Michael was bought a huge bar of peanut and caramel chocolate by her sister and I went as far as opening the packaging (already opened) and taking a deep inhalation of the heady cocoa aromas.
I felt a bit dirty but again did not succumb orally. Hmmm. That sounds a bit Bill Clinton doesn’t it.
I also figured a way of battling the temptation at work as there is a tuck shop about 4 metres from my desk and I could often be found buying a mars bar and a packet of crisps mid morning. To give myself a fighting chance I have stopped taking money to work with me and also purchased a load of fruit (enough for the whole team) which I have to walk past should I want some sweet chocolatey goodness.
So mostly a few days of resisting temptation but apart from that I am rather enjoying it.
So very uncouth, and how quickly the romance faded
Tis a rule when the romance is starting
star crossed lovers refrain please from farting
but a month or two in
he’ll explode with a grin
in her face with such might, her bangs parting
But I don’t aim particularly high.
Friend of mine met this hottie called Trevor
quite a dish but alas not too clever
abs of steel, jiggly pecs
oh my god and the sex
always game, here or there or wherever
Let’s start the day off right shall we.
A rotund chap from Old Billerickay
in hot weather turned red and quite sticky
sweat would run down his back
and then pool in his crack
thighs would chafe and his pits, god how icky
Not sure my knowledge of singing ranges is actually accurate here, I did research it but you get the point.
Once a conflicted chap from the clergy
could not resist his evil urge he
started up a boys choir
all soprano or higher
now in jail for his crimes he got caught see
Go on, start the day right!
“It was great” to her husband she lied
lasted moments despite how he tried
he would fall fast asleep
to the bathroom she’d creep
called her lover to be satisfied
Just the one it won’t hurt.
Much.
A quite gallant and mindful Othello
met a lady, fair skinned, hair of yellow
kissed her hand, he did woo
declared his love was true
when in bed he found out ’twas a fellow
The dreaded social situation…
You can read my first part here.
So, a week in on the Whole30 thing and it seems to be going rather well. As far as weight loss it’s been successful but it’s not really about that. This is about my attitudes to food and trying to make a sustainable change.
I knew at some point I would have to face temptation and this a week in and there it was. England vs Belgium and invited round to friends to watch the game, have a few cheeky beers and a quick BBQ for half time. I said yes without thinking and before I knew it I am sat in front of the TV with an array of crisps and nuts before me and the offer of Beer, cider, wine or GnT.
Let’s just say that you know you’re fat when you politely decline explaining that you are on a diet and nobody tells you it’ll be ok, it’s just the one it won’t hurt. Mostly I can see them thinking “Phew, that’ll save on the catering.”
Anyway I survived that and had a little meat and some sparkling water and enjoyed a thoroughly awful England performance but the sun was shining so happy days.
Friday was a far more challenging ask. It was the annual charity golf day and our team was entered many months ago so there was no getting out of it. If I did then it was likely an orphan or an animal would suffer some awful fate so I dusted off my clubs and turned up. Now the thing about the day is that your ticket includes a free bar and as much food as you can eat. There are burgers and sausages available all day long and the savage 29c temperatures were not to be worried about because the bar was fully stocked with more beer and cider than you could wish for.
I had 2 plain burger patties, which I was most pleased with because I think I had 6 burgers last year. That’s over the course of a 10 hour day drinking but still a lot I realise. I took 3 apples and just ate those and despite sweating like a pig in the baking sun and wanting nothing more than the sweet fruity nectar of an apple cider – I resisted the booze too.
I realise it’s only a week or so in but feels like a significant step because I am pretty certain that normally I would have buckled.
Onwards and upwards I guess
All a little bit inappropriate really.
Once a well endowed lad from Aruba
met a lass kind of shaped like a tuba
she winced at sight of it
but turned out a great fit
and not once has he had cause to lube her
AABBA. You know the drill.
Once a woman with high expectation
of a future mate and social station
though things didn’t work out
shoved cocaine up her snout
ended up selling ass at the station
That’ll sting a bit
Once a fellow somewhat of a sceptic
when his girlfriend said she’s epileptic
well he ended up dead
had a fit giving head
bit it off, got infected, quite septic
Living the dream now people, living the dream. Abominable I realise. But amost true.
Hey you said he’d not win the election
locking kids up gives him an erection
which he’ll force on your Gran
sister, aunties or Mam
build a dead migrant wall for protection
shake it like a polaroid picture
There once was a wife, sweet Theresa
who alas was quite prone to a seizure
Though sometimes during sex
he’d not know what was next
she’d vibrate, hub would squeal, a real pleaser!