Happy Friday

Two for the price of none.

 

Once a fellow not straight, gay but bi

said why not he’d give most things a try

Feasts on penis and breasts

full round bums taut smooth chests

and sweet V made him happy and sigh

 

Another?

 

Its the weekend so try to relax

KKK?  maybe try befriend blacks

Jews and Muslims, break bread

bigots be kind instead

 

if a Donald then maybe pay tax

 

Hmm.  Not sure about those.  Oh well, not like you paid for them or anything is it.

 

A Sunday Limerick ;)

Should have posted it yesterday but I was too busy enjoying the wedding and drinking cocktails and enjoying a day only us Brits can really do properly…

 

A royal couple, face beaming with smile

but he’ll have to wait still for a while

seems he’s rather quite keen

this romantic young dream

he can’t wait to take her up the aisle

 

Whilst it can’t buy you love look what it can buy.

I think she got some of it on sale.

Flush with cash, dame from North Carolina

who so craved a sweet custom vagina

said her beau “looks fantastic

though your clit’s made of plastic

and your labia’s hand made in China”

More Get Well Soon

Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.

Get some rest you’ll feel better I’m sure

Once it heals it will not feel so sore

You’ll be soon back to boozing

When you clear up the oozing

And next time just say no to the whore

 

Get Well Soon

Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.

Eeuw I hear it’s all swollen and smelly

and there’s bits that are wobbly like jelly

I’d suggest get some cream

as it shouldn’t be green

leaking yellow puss onto your belly.

 

It’s Wednesday here so guess what…

No not that, a limerick. The picture in the header gives it away really. Let’s do some more ‘Get Well Soon’ ones.

 

Oh alas you poor dear heard it’s bad

and the pain’s quite intense and you’re sad

still a lesson you learned

when you pee’d and it burned

next time use protection you daft lad

And yet another limerick. Who’d have thought eh?

Happy Tuesday!

A Fat fellow of girth quite unique

out of breath when he walked, couldn’t speak

So he cut down on Lard

trained incredibly hard

Fell down dead, heart attack, in first week.

 

What?  You thought it would have a happy ending? Ha!

 

Dieting. 7.

A new dawn?

So either I have absolutely no will power or I am possessed by a rather hungry demon who insists on eating crisps for breakfast and considers a slack handful of sausages and a coke a mid day snack.

I last wrote about dieting in December and I felt pretty motivated back then.  I still feel pretty motivated now to be honest, but I think it is important to not confuse motivation for actions.  I am motivated to do many things but that does not mean I act.  It took me thirty years to take up writing so stopping eating squirty cream from the can is not going to happen overnight.  Saying that overnight is normally when the squirty cream action takes place.

Today though I have woken up with a new motivation.  Mostly I have spent the morning lingering in bed or writing and as it came to lunch time I realised that I had not yet eaten so I figured that probably technically counts as abeing on a diet so yes, the diet is back on.

I have definitely put on weight since I last wrote, I can feel it in the way my clothes fit me even less than they did previously and I can feel it in the way I move.  Not a lot, but enough to tell me that at my age, and given that I spend a lot of my time at a desk, this weight loss lark is only going to get trickier and trickier as I get older.  I imagine having bacon sandwiches every Friday doesn’t help either, but mostly It’s probably down to age and metabolism.

Not the Chinese takeaway I had last night.  Definitely not that.

I love food so not eating is not an option, and having dabbled with dieting forever I think I am going to do my best to stick to Slimming World.  There are eggs, lean bacon and chopped tomatoes in the kitchen which I think I shall make.  I know its not as good as bran or some such but god have you eaten bran?  I’d rather die a bulbous monstrosity who has to wash himself with a rag on a stick than force that down my gullet.  I once took too large a spoon full of the stuff when I was trying to eat more of it to prevent myself dying from bowel cancer, something that kills a lot of men in my family, and it  actually made me gag so difficult was it to chew.  Like a proper eye watering “take it all” kind of gag.

No thanks.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

 

 

 

Dieting. 6.

really not my fault

Ok so it hasn’t been great over the Christmas period, I will start with that.  I would add though that it was nowhere near as bad as it could have been and I have most definitely not gorged anywhere near as I have done in previous years.

There was no starter at Christmas dinner, only one pudding (shock horror right) and there’s a quite magnificent stollen covered in cherries and almonds that has lasted nearly the entire Christmas week!

A real indicator of a victory, albeit a small one, was that I didn’t even have a selection box for breakfast when we were opening gifts.  That’s a bit of a tradition in our house you see.

Nonetheless it was something and over the last week we have all most definitely eaten a lot less.  There remain piles of all manner of things that will likely go unconsumed and I am going to take that and get back to trying even harder.

Once I’ve finished that trifle though because it’s so damned good…