Should have posted it yesterday but I was too busy enjoying the wedding and drinking cocktails and enjoying a day only us Brits can really do properly…
A royal couple, face beaming with smile
but he’ll have to wait still for a while
seems he’s rather quite keen
this romantic young dream
he can’t wait to take her up the aisle
One about farmers doing terrible things to Animals. Allegedly.
Once a farmer of ill reputation
was accused of such vile molestation
as his pigs looked harassed
and his sheep ran so fast
with a look of intense consternation
I think she got some of it on sale.
Flush with cash, dame from North Carolina
who so craved a sweet custom vagina
said her beau “looks fantastic
though your clit’s made of plastic
and your labia’s hand made in China”
Not sure this one has much of an audience at all really. Oh well, it’s still something I guess.
Clad in white, fellow quite fond of cricket
So much so he would dance down the wicket
And with joyous delight
In the sun shining bright
Pull a stump out, caress it and lick it
Negative, it just impacted on the surface…
A virile young fellow named Darren
He divorced, said his missus was barren
try as hard as he could
Was his sperm that was dud
She remarried, 3 kids, Joe, Zak, Aaron
But probably not as bad as prostitution.
Narcoleptic chain smoker, Belinda
Nodded off, burnt her house to a cinder
Now she’s trying to make cash
On the street selling ass
To the men that she locates on Tinder
Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.
Get some rest you’ll feel better I’m sure
Once it heals it will not feel so sore
You’ll be soon back to boozing
When you clear up the oozing
And next time just say no to the whore
Perhaps you know someone feeling a little under the weather and feel stuck for what to write in the get well soon card. Fear not I have you all sorted.
Eeuw I hear it’s all swollen and smelly
and there’s bits that are wobbly like jelly
I’d suggest get some cream
as it shouldn’t be green
leaking yellow puss onto your belly.
You’d think I’d have had enough of these by now wouldn’t you.
A young fellow, good looks by the plenty
slept with hundred from eighteen to 20
twice as many to 30
more to 40, so dirty
but now no more, he’s spent and quite empty
No not that, a limerick. The picture in the header gives it away really. Let’s do some more ‘Get Well Soon’ ones.
Oh alas you poor dear heard it’s bad
and the pain’s quite intense and you’re sad
still a lesson you learned
when you pee’d and it burned
next time use protection you daft lad
Happy Tuesday!
A Fat fellow of girth quite unique
out of breath when he walked, couldn’t speak
So he cut down on Lard
trained incredibly hard
Fell down dead, heart attack, in first week.
What? You thought it would have a happy ending? Ha!
a convenient arrangement…
A gold digger so very demanding
Clothes, Jewels, Cars all of the finest branding
his neck she’d sweetly kiss
as he tries to resist
in his trousers she’d then slip her hand in.
filthy stuff
Politician of high social station
took some tablets, sever constipation
halfway through a debate
such an explosive fate
shat his pants live in front of the nation
more toilet humour I’m afraid
Once a fellow who rather liked blogging
Was forever the toilet unclogging
He’d insist it’s a must
When the toilet’s unflushed
that his children are due for a flogging
Doesn’t quite read brilliantly but you get the idea
A master baker used iced fingers
To seduce two sisters, both cute gingers
Should have known they’d find out
And they did, have no doubt
as he gave them both aids, and that lingers
I promise. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.
Once A brave young knight of Camelot
Yearned for pork chops and ham piping hot
Sadly times were austere
So each night with his beer
He had trotters and snout in his pot
it happens I’m sure.
A quite curious frustrated vicar
said “I need to get laid” on the liquor
but hes dull and no looker
so he’s out with a hooker
with big boobs cos they get him off quicker
Just something before bed
Once a lady of quite ill repute
played the penis just like ’twas a flute
she would give the girls tips
on the best use of lips
and then strum it like playing a lute
winky face
A lady with bosoms aplenty
Proved a hit with the men of the gentry
They succumbed to her wiles
And her winks and her smiles
But to church she was oft refused entry
It happens…
A fellow from Bangor I met
Had a shirt that was soaked through with sweat
As he’d been on the run
From a priest and a nun
And a Bishop who’s wife he got wet
True story apparently.
Once a young single woman called Wendy
who in bed was fantastically bendy
after one or two beers
had her legs round her ears
with the chaps was incredibly trendy
yum
Friend of mine had this girlfriend called Lucy
Rather thin, none the less quite a beauty
Fed her bagels and chips
Ribs cakes burgers and dips
Now shes perfect, round curvy and juicy
Type 2 apparently
A Greek chap I know Theo Grafitis
Filled his face with cakes biscuits and sweeties
Grew progressively wider
On sweet apple cider
Nearly died, lost his toes, Diabetes
it happens…
I tried to write a limerick once before and failed which you can read about here. But today I got close. Nowhere near the true horror but it’s a start.
Chap a know big fan of one night stands
got quite drunk and as part of plans
took a lass to his place
now has scabs on his face
and his knob and a rash on his hands
And this is why
Flame haired fellow from the Hebrides
had a penis that came to his knees
in his kilt he’d go out
women swooned and would shout
as it swung happily in the breze
Afterwards 