Category: limericks

A young couple who’s love sadly soured

when he one night found himself devoured

he was drunk he insists

after penis and fists

found himself rather anally deflowered

Once a POTUS most surely deranged

gropes your wife, says the climates not changed

migrant hordes on the way

they’ll be here any day

and that Clinton’s quite clearly to blame

Once a man with quite bad diabetes

could not resist cake, chocs or sweeties

With abandon he’d feast

till his piss smelled like yeast

and he lost all the toes from his feeties

 

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I have no idea if ones piss smells like yeast if one is diabetic I just rathee renjoyed the line…

 

 

 

 

A young couple with dreams and such hope

Went to shit ‘cos of booze, sex and dope

He would drink, shit the bed

so she’d hump his mate Ted

and would pop round next door for a grope

 

 

 

 

Once a man, quite incredibly fat

rather lonely got himself a cat

but one day when it slept

he sat down, and then wept

as the poor little bugger went splat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evil cross dressing grocer with candy

would lure kids to his van dressed as Mandy

Now he’s used by the felons

who adore his plump melons

and abuse him each night, ain’t that dandy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a health kick this bloke from Mauritius

drank his own sperm, claimed it was nutritious

and so good for his skin

and it kept him quite thin

milked himself three times daily, delicious

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s this fellow who get’s most excited

in his trousers, his loins quite ignited

by the arches and heels

at the sight how he squeals

runs his tongue ‘twixt the toes quite delighted

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once a lass from the south of the Andes

got aroused on a couple of shandies

when on wine, lust devine

glass of port, 69

and my god what she’d do when on brandy’s

 

 

 

 

Once a vet who her work loved intensely

got quite heated, loved gerbils immensely

hamsters so made her sweat

guinea pigs made her wet

and with rabbits gets quite over friendly

 

 

 

A posh fellow, high class and good breeding

Found himself with dark thoughts and much needing

Gets his kicks, such a treat

watching fat ladies eat

Get’s him really quite hot when he’s feeding

 

 

 

 

Once a fellow who so dreaded Monday

as twas nowhere as much fun as Sunday

against Friday it pailed

next to Saturday failed

even Tuesday was way better fun day.

 

Hmm that is pants so here’s another.

 

Once a cardinal, proud of his choir

found the lads set his loins quite on fire

he could just not resist

when his large ring they kissed

how his mind swam with sinful desire

 

 

 

There once was a vicar from Chester

who would wear a long yellow sowester

not much else underneath

save perhaps a small brief

made it easier when out to molest ya

 

 

Once a colonel who really loved chicken

went too far, well beyond finger lickin’

Their pale flesh he’d caress

juicy things, plump firm breasts

and you know what inside he was sticking

Heard you’re under the weather and wheezy

and your bottom is really quite breezy

and you’re head’s thick and snotty

and your breath’s pretty grotty

lots of fluids and rest, take it easy

Neath the paint and the smiles, sadness deep

When the lights they go out they do creep

At the window stare in

with maniacal grin

cut you up in your bed as you sleep

Tell the children it’s fine, not to fear

that you’ve checked and there’s just nothing here

but when you turn your back

they emerge from the black

and from under the bed they appear

 

 

Nympho cum craving lass from Nantucket

had a craving to ride, stroke or pluck it

and by Friday she ached

how she quivered and shaked

but by Sunday she’d filled half a bucket

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the night you hear scratching and grating

there’s a knock at the door you lie waiting

As you lie ‘neath the sheets

there’s a tug at your feet

you look up and she’s there, dead eyes hating

 

 

Every night around midnight with dread

dark things scuttle and dart ‘neath the bed

a young child with dead eyes

cackles whispers and sighs

and then screams. chills your soul as he’s dead

 

A fine fellow of good reputation

met a comely young lass at the station

dark intentions revealed

in the tunnel she squealed

“Choo choo baby” with wild exclaimation

 

Once this lass met this redneck called Ted

Who she caught with his father in bed

she was not one to judge

Let alone bear a grudge

So shacked up with his mother instead