It actually surprises me that you’re surprised after all this time.
There’s this vegetable seller Lynette
who sees marrows, goes red starts to sweat
gets embarrassed and flustered
be they red, green or mustard
lost control one time with a courgette
then its bed time…
A cross eyed young dentist called Steven
had teeth that stuck out, most uneven
he could not understand
when he smiled, shook their hand
why they suddenly up’d and were leaving
Just had a few I needed to get off my chest
A god fearing vicar called Martin
so loved Jesus but couldn’t stop farting
he would speak of God’s grace
let one go and the place
starts to gag, congregations eyes smarting
A friend of a friend of a friend…
Bloke I know loves to write limerick
some are twisted and vile, most are sick
though they may be most daft
tries to make people laugh
when they know they should not, that’s the trick
I bet it’s a true story. Google it you’ll see…
Well to do wife screwed her trainer
at her wish he choked, spanked and restrained her
but it went all awry
asphyxiated did die
now he wishes he’d been an abstainer
Why the dickens not eh
Wandering husband said ‘Babe you’re too fat’
Started sleeping with hookers the twat
So she lost loads of weight
And divorced, now looks great
He got aids and then died, fancy that
Just one will be fine, no one will know.
Once a woman who loved with devotion
Said its not size that matters but motion
Though alas in the wet
He would toil he would sweat
Tiny boat set adrift on vast ocean
Wholly inappropriate. I think you’ll like it.
A friend of mine does like to gush
bout his lady friends wild pubic bush
extolls its shag, thick and nice
says she back combs it twice
and conditions it to keep it lush
Go on, I know you want one….And yes, that is how you spell it. Fflint…
There once was a fellow Fflint
sold his body because he was skint
you’d be shocked at the cash
that he got for his ass
opinion was it was quite mint
And no work tomorrow because it’s a bank holiday here in England. Get in!!!
Veterinarian, fond of his horse
was accused of such vile intercourse
though there was just no proof
save some stuff on a hoof
he denied it and showed no remorse
Just because I can…
Rotund chap with a craving for cakes
Oh for pastries and sweet things he aches
he just cannot say no
to a cream filled gateau
so much so when he walks his moobs shake
Why not I say!
A hirsute young woman called Betty
who in bed got incredibly sweaty
but her chap didn’t mind
was incredibly kind
even though she resembled a yeti
Two for the price of none.
Once a fellow not straight, gay but bi
said why not he’d give most things a try
Feasts on penis and breasts
full round bums taut smooth chests
and sweet V made him happy and sigh
Another?
Its the weekend so try to relax
KKK? maybe try befriend blacks
Jews and Muslims, break bread
bigots be kind instead
if a Donald then maybe pay tax
Hmm. Not sure about those. Oh well, not like you paid for them or anything is it.
You must see these coming by now surely
Get well soon hear you contracted syph
and its pungent and rancid don’t sniff
cos it’s looking quite green
get antibacs and some cream
stay downwind cos god you sure whiff
Or did I mean ‘like’? Oh I do get mixed up…
Once a builder, an eye for perfection
met an architect fond of inspection
day by day how he woo’d
took her out for some food
and insisted “come see my erection”
I’ll run out eventually I am sure. But today is not that day!
Once a cad, quite a scoundrel, Jafar
slept around, in the bedroom a star
but he caught something bad
from this lass and her dad
now alas keeps his cock in a jar
Why the dickens not eh.
Hear that thing on your leg has got worse
you should probably go see a nurse
cos it smells really off
and you’ve got a bad cough
or we’ll soon see you off in a hearse
Have another inappropriate limerick. Why? Because of reasons of course!
Once a lass from the banks of the Humber
Who did quite shocking things with cucumber
What she did with a squash
Made you wince and say gosh
But oh how you’d kill for her number
Normal service resumes methinks
Once a maiden with curves by the plenty
Sold her good self to poor, rich and gentry
Every Sunday the priests
Had her down on her knees
Though to church they would still refuse entry
Should have posted it yesterday but I was too busy enjoying the wedding and drinking cocktails and enjoying a day only us Brits can really do properly…
A royal couple, face beaming with smile
but he’ll have to wait still for a while
seems he’s rather quite keen
this romantic young dream
he can’t wait to take her up the aisle
One about farmers doing terrible things to Animals. Allegedly.
Once a farmer of ill reputation
was accused of such vile molestation
as his pigs looked harassed
and his sheep ran so fast
with a look of intense consternation
I think she got some of it on sale.
Flush with cash, dame from North Carolina
who so craved a sweet custom vagina
said her beau “looks fantastic
though your clit’s made of plastic
and your labia’s hand made in China”
Not sure this one has much of an audience at all really. Oh well, it’s still something I guess.
Clad in white, fellow quite fond of cricket
So much so he would dance down the wicket
And with joyous delight
In the sun shining bright
Pull a stump out, caress it and lick it
Negative, it just impacted on the surface…
A virile young fellow named Darren
He divorced, said his missus was barren
try as hard as he could
Was his sperm that was dud
She remarried, 3 kids, Joe, Zak, Aaron
But probably not as bad as prostitution.
Narcoleptic chain smoker, Belinda
Nodded off, burnt her house to a cinder
Now she’s trying to make cash
On the street selling ass
To the men that she locates on Tinder
Afterwards 