Tag: offensive

Alphabet Soup – Room 101. I’d mostly just pass this one by.

This is offensive and crass and pretty childish really and just ignore it.

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.

Today it’s alphabet soup.  This is not written for anyone or aimed at anyone but instead a piece that I should be better than.  It’s just a list of profanities listed alphabetically and loosely rhyming.   Imagine it as maybe a breakup letter written to someone or a poem written for a colleague when you’ve left work.

This is probably my swearing quota out of the way for the month.Maybe read this instead its wholesome.  And this is very grown up.

 

 

 

 

A is for arsehole and B is for Bastard

C for Crap and perhaps sometimes C*%T

And D so for Dickhead or maybe a Douche

E’s for effing,  please don’t take affront

 

Fuck is quite obvious, Goddamnit is G

Hard-on might be a stretch, cut me slack

Idiot will do me when searching for I

J for jackoff said behind your back.

 

K for Knob really suits you Its british for cock

L for Lobcock.  It’s bad – look it up

Mother fucker a classic you sure must agree

Youre a Nupson if not, useless tup

 

Onanist that’s describes you a tosser for sure

And a prick if you really must know

Q I aint got a thing cos I’m not homophobic

Rimjob suits you cos you really blow

 

Shit-face, spanner and sod I have next on my list

And then twat ‘cos its obviously so

Uropygium, bird’s anus – I looked that one up

Vaffanculo –  Italians will know!

 

Wanker, wally and whore seem to work pretty well

Xanthippe, Yarak and Zatch work real well

Now go google and find out just what they all mean

And when done kindly then go to hell.

 

Golgotha

A 299 word piece I wrote for the Carrot Ranch Rodeo #2 based on a joke I heard once.

Gathering storm clouds obscured the sun as a small crowd gathered at the foot of the low hill.  The sky darkened, distant thunder rumbling across the arid landscape as the crowd spoke in hushed tones.

“Some say he’s the son of God” said a portly bearded fellow wearing a long brown robe.

A crooked shrew of a woman picked up a and threw it towards the hill.  “I heard he’s a dirty boy that likes prostitutes” she shouted.  The crowd grumbled their disapproval.

The man on the cross lifted his head, blood trickling down his face.  Sallow eyes scanned the crown and he attempted to speak.

“Speak up boy we can’t hear you” shouted the portly chap shovelling a handful of olives into his mouth.  A legionnaire moved towards him to hear what was being said as lightening again lit up the sky.

The man on the cross spoke again, his face contorted in agony.  The legionnaire stood for a moment listening then turned to the crowd as another stone landed at his feet.  The shrew of a woman elbowed an elderly man at her side.

“Stop throwing stones” she said sharply.

“Philip” shouted the Roman as he scanned the crowd.

No one moved.

He shouted once more and a young bearded man raised a hand cautiously.  The Legionnaire beckoned him forward and he pushed through the crowd as lighting flashed again.

He approached the man on the cross, pulling down the hood on his robe

“Philip” said the man on the cross smiling, life ebbing from his body.

“Yes my friend” he replied.

“There is something you need to know.”

“Please tell me” Philip said.

He mustered a final breath, his lips dry and his voice hoarse.

The crowd listened intently.

“I can see your house from here.”