Tag: humour

A hardworking hooker, not picky

about who’d she’d get hot and quite sticky

she jerked Nig, Claude and Fred

to Big Dave she gave head

slept with Tommy, Giles, Mark, Luke and Ricky

 

 

 

 

Once a man who would give nought to charity

had a moment of soul searching clarity

gave up all he possessed

to the poor did divest

all his goods to try make up disparity

 

 

There once was a woman from Maine

loved her dog but it drove her insane

ate her chairs and the sofa

soiled her husband Bill’s loafer

doleful eyes insist he’s not to blame

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Again, and this is the second time I have had to clarify such a matter in the last few days, but it is the dog that insists it was not to blame and not husband Bill.  I am pretty sure Bill likes the dog and wouldn’t/culdn’t possibly pass solids into his own best loafer’s just to discredit the dog.  Thinking about it I am not sure how easy it would be to soil one’s own shoe.  It would take a serious effort to land anything inside it I am sure.  Well if anyone has any insights into such things please feel free to share.

Michael

 

 

 

 

Once a chap hated Tuesday, such dread

so he refused to get out of his bed

To sleep Monday, forlorn

and get up Wednesday morn

and between under blankets instead

 

Heard your gastric bypass went quite well

though you’re starving and grumpy as hell

silver lining they say

you’ll lose weight day by day

and you’ll sweat less so maybe won’t smell

 

 

 

Once a lover, convinced he was gifted

Said “I’m surely your best” and insisted

“Baby I’ll make you moan”

But if only he’d known

During sex to ex loves she oft drifted

 

 

 

There once was a woman from France

Asked a baker to go to a dance

As she really did want

His baguette and croissant

And his perfectly shaped vol-aux-vents

 

 

 

A vile fellow wrenched Kids from their dads

Made republicans happy, so glad

Seems God wants it this way

Jesus hollered, “Hooray”

Satan said “and they say that I’m bad!”

 

 

 

There once was a woman form Neath

who gave up on her Godly belief

 

thoughts of wuthering heights

kept her up every night

oft cavorted way up on the heath

 

Chap I know found it really quite tricky

to write age approp’ nice limericky

they’d end up quite obscene

make you wince howl and scream

with their love of the gross, vile and sticky

 

 

Bloke I know goes on every diet

Fasting, juice, Atkinsons – oh he’ll try it

See it seems to not matter

Just gets fatter and fatter

Raids the fridge every night – he’ll deny it

 

 

 

A rum fellow who hailed from Phuket

Every day he would drink to forget

How his wife would cavort

With men at the resort

Hated swimming but loved to get wet

 

 

 

 

A hormonal young teenager Ricky

who awoke every day rather sticky

and each morning’s first task

was a pretty tough ask

unglue him from his sheets – rather tricky

 

 

 

Heard you’re down in the dumps – hugs and smiles

seems you have a bad case of the piles

and they’re hanging like grapes

and your butt really gapes

eat more bran they’ll be fine in a while

 

 

 

Lad I know, met a girl, made a pass

problem was uncontrollable gas

though quite perfectly suited

they’d make love and he tooted

now he’s single, well you can’t blame the lass

 

 

 

Newly married, bride said “you need practice”

she professed to be pure, such an actress

would have ended in tears

had he known through the years

she’d enjoyed far more pricks than a cactus.

Once a chap with type 2 diabetes

Disregarded advice so much so he’s

Gone and lost all his toes

And the tip of his nose

As he just cannot stay off the sweeties

Get well soon hope it really stops swelling

Heard the pains pretty bad can’t stop yelling

Doubled up in such pain

From your toes to your brain

And its weeping and pretty bad smelling

 

 

 

 

Once a fellow with vague recollection

From a night out brought home an infection

Blamed it all on the booze

As it started to ooze

“Looks like herpes” said the doc on inspection

 

 

“Check your prostate” my friend’s wife insisted

so he went pants dropped face, red and twisted

he enjoyed it so much

and went home and begged such

that each night he’s oiled up, roughly fisted

Geriatric old artist called Jude

liked to walk round the house in the nude

paint still life’s in the buff

neighbour cried, “Please, enough”

close the curtains, your plums look most stewed”

Veterinarian fond on iguanas

gazed with lust at frogs monkeys and llamas

he’d come over all queer

at the site of a deer

and just couldn’t be trusted by farmers

 

 

 

 

There once was a singleton, Kate

met a tinder lad, went on a date

she felt rather aggrieved

his pics seems, did deceive

Cos a headshot didn’t show his huge weight

 

 

 

 

Once a fellow who defeated cancer

said “I’ll be an exotic male dancer

loving life is a must

I shall work on my thrust

a spray tan and gold thong is the answer”