A Greek chap I know Theo Grafitis
Filled his face with cakes biscuits and sweeties
Grew progressively wider
On sweet apple cider
Nearly died, lost his toes, Diabetes
Theo
Type 2 apparently
Category: Uncategorized
Whimsy
6 lines of words
Wistful she sits, her heart another’s and lost in fractured thought
to places far and wide she wanders in search of life and love and more
while heavy the bonds of obligation lie and soul so sadly smothered
and then behind her came a tiger and ate her face off and she was dead.
Sorry but I just saw the photo and it made me laugh. I am sure she is meant to be all pensive and comtemplative but really, there is a big frigging tiger behind her and she is a slip of a lass and barefoot so there is no way she will either fight it off or outrun it.
Maybe she’s thinking “Oh bollocks a tiger…” and the tiger is thinking “Hello hello what do we have here you look delicious”.
And why on earth is she wearing that daft dress out in the middle of a forest. It’s going to get bloody filthy and there’s no way she will get the muck out of it.
Some people…honest.
Scorchio
It just slipped out…
Heartburn like hades
We’ve all had a belch like that
When it turns to sick
Oops
It just slipped out…
I was trying to remember how these started. I think the idea was to take something I found crass or silly and put in the sombre haiku form…
Drunken escapades
never gamble on a fart
shit stained taxi home
Syphilis
it happens…
I tried to write a limerick once before and failed which you can read about here. But today I got close. Nowhere near the true horror but it’s a start.
Chap a know big fan of one night stands
got quite drunk and as part of plans
took a lass to his place
now has scabs on his face
and his knob and a rash on his hands
Red
6 lines of words
Racing, pacing pent up and mouth silently screaming
en masse a sea of red, and anger rides red crested waves
but ears deaf hear not and sickly sweet smiles stare back
and cold embrace asks what can be done
then shakes it’s head and with seductive tongue insists
it was always this way and always will be
Life
Other ways of shuffling off this mortal coil are available
Woke up with cancer
only have six weeks to live
should have smoked less fags
All the ladies love a man in a kilt
And this is why
Flame haired fellow from the Hebrides
had a penis that came to his knees
in his kilt he’d go out
women swooned and would shout
as it swung happily in the breze
A quickie
So to speak…
A Cheese loving nudist from Caracus
thought he had something wrong with his knackers
thought maybe it was crabs
or some nasty dried scabs
but turns out was just crumbs from the crackers
Tomorrow maybe
Light golden streams through broken windows
dust dancing on the rays illuminating broken furniture and broken man
He stirs from dreams dark and lucid with eyes hollow
And reaches, smile fading, for what is long lost
while through his fingers glittering hope slips and drips
spiralling downwards and gurgling away
until aching, shaking, breaking he rises
and stumbles, stomach rumbling
and so another day begins cup in hand and faithful dog in tow
hoping perhaps tomorrow will be different
Aids
Silver lining and all that eh…
Aids, caught in a loo
Promiscuous dalliance
least you’re real slim now
Those of you who know me knew this was coming
So to speak…
For those of you who read this know this would likely follow…
Lonely chap on the net bought a Russian
Rather forward she left the lad blushing
She’d explode like a geyser
The more he would please her
He’d be really quite soaked from the gushing
It has been a while
Just indulge me this one…
Evengelical reds on the right
Praise the lord them and Donald so tight
Seems that Jesus forgives
Porn star sex if you live
In the house on the hill oh so white.
Grimsby
Trust me I lived there.
Grimsby. Streets paved with
Dog poo, syringes, condoms
holy trinity
Festivals
Think cold play would spoil it to be honest.
Once a fair faced young damsel from Gwent
at a festival went to her tent
with a handsome young buck
who it seems was in luck
then watched cold play, smoked weed, rather spent
It’s Monday where I am
Just super
unease in my gut
palpitations, so weary
5 days to friday
You know the drill right?
More things you shouldn’t put in a haiku.
Beach, moon, two hearts beat
waves crash and passion consumes
sand in all your holes
Men. Honest.
If you don’t know what it is then dont look into it. If you do then shame on you.
Friend of mine wed this chap, quite the bloke
things got stale and it wasn’t no joke
He said “let’s spice things up
– watch 2 girls and 1 cup”
Now he’s single, she’s back at her folks
Ooh er
cheeky
Once a butcher quite proud of his meat
Claimed his beef was so juicy and sweet
said he’s happy to fillet
claims he won’t even bill it
and his sausage, wink wink, quite a treat
Roses are black
stuff happens…
Started with a kiss
Loves passions muddled clear head
Ended in the courts
Evil
Roll on judgement day
There once lived a priest in Madrid
Was not proud of the bad thing he did
Had a thing for the choir
Made them sing high notes higher
Got caught now in Vatican hid
Sol
tasty
The answer you cant find
You actually just said it
It’s a star you div
Pride
Still and silent
He sinks slowly beneath the lapping waves of regret
with heavy heart and harsh words caught still in his mouth
too late too little and two no more he sinks
weighed down by all he will not admit yet craves forgiveness for
and then, into quiet dark silence
where heart is still and one last time he mouths the words
that she will never hear
He had it coming
she got off too
A wife who was tired of life
Boorish husband and just endless strife
So ungrateful and rude
violent bad attitude
Cut him up with a large kitchen knife
Poor lass
looks nice on her though
Fritzel wannabe
Ponytail flight to freedom
The bob kinda suits
Afterwards 