A limerick or two.

Not what it seems I assure you.

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I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a fellow from Afghanistan…

Okay so I have failed tonight.  I tried a couple of places right and ended up choosing Afghanistan, and Tehran and Pakistan thinking I would go a little further afield.  As a second line though, no matter how hard I tried all I could think of was these people packing their families up into a van.  No matter where I tried to go these poor buggers ended up squashed in the rear of an old battered pickup.

They weren’t going anywhere nice though, not on a holiday or anything.  They weren’t even going to the shops to pick up some of whatever people would go to the shops to buy in Afghanistan.  Probably toilet roll and crisps like everyone everywhere else on the planet.

No, I had them in a van, accompanied by a goat doing their damnedest to not be where they were.   What do I know about these places I then ask myself.  Not enough probably – they might be perfectly happy in Tehran shopping for magazines and orange cordial and pillows.

I get I can be ignorant, I suppose we all can be.  I might have to do a bit of research and then – if it turns out I was right  – then I will happily pack them into a van and  have my way with them.

 

 

 


One more day

Let’s try a little serious shall we…

Okay so I piss about a bit with my blog I realise. If my poems had a ‘Eeeeuuuwww button’ then I am pretty sure it would get pressed more than my likes. I was challenged by Roda – I think that’s what happened – to try a happy ending or two so for this week I will have a crack at a few more pleasant subjects.


At Days close he waits content

to say goodbye and drift to night

and in those moments years rolled back

warm smiles and joy and eyes shine bright

Her warm embrace and tender kiss

and babies cries and laughter sweet

when blankets laid across his knees

worn eyes do close and visions greet

First words, first steps, first dates first kiss

long days dark nights but then

he sees her face and hears her voice

and love’s restored again

And as he slips to dark and rest

a life well lived he sees

of family, love and heart and hearth

life passing like the breeze

And in that moment vivid, clear

old lips whisper and say

each day a treasure I received

farewell, on this last day

Love you haiku 18 February

A piece where I mention turkey wattle in an inappropriate way

As a balance to the inevitable  avalanche of love and tenderness spewing into your WordPress feed this week I bring you these.

 

Heart beating, mouth dry

knotted stomach, hands trembling

Love?  Food poisoning?

Love you haiku 17 February

A piece where I mention turkey wattle in an inappropriate way

As a balance to the inevitable  avalanche of love and tenderness spewing into your WordPress feed this week I bring you these.

 

 

Tender caresses

Kisses planted in the dark

Grunts, rolls over, snores

Screw you haiku 10 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

The eager bride groom

hungry for the wedding night

he arrives early

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessnessHo

I tried to say goodbye.

 

Screw you haiku 9 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Tears stream down my cheeks

back arched, tense, fighting release

miles to a bathroom

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessnessHo

I tried to say goodbye.

 

Screw you haiku 8 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

warm sun on my skin

drowsy, relaxed I slumber

awake lobster red

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessnessHo

I tried to say goodbye.

 

Screw you haiku 7 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Cruel winter winds

plays havoc with my nipples

Hey! Eyes are up here!

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessnessHo

I tried to say goodbye.

 

Screw you haiku 6 Feb 2018

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Horny teenager

eyes the vacuum eagerly

he wont…but he will

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessnessHo

I tried to say goodbye.

 

More revolting limericks

limericks to make you roll your eyes and make tutting noises.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


There once was a butcher named Chuck

would sell any old meat for a buck

he’d sell dachshunds as steak

sell you minced rat and steak

‘stead of chicken you’d get pigeon or duck

 

There once was a Baker call Ned

quite a perv, things he did with the bread

doughnut holes…yeah believe it

used his bits to achieve it

late at night he’d take croissants to bed

 

 

A fellow, a candlestick maker

had a wife who in bed was a faker

so he took to his bed

brought his work home instead

now quite easy for him to placate her

 

 


 

 

 

 

Room to swing a cat

Not that I would. But if I had to.

People are forever musing on here aren’t they. You can’t swing a cat without encountering musings of one description of another.

Not that I would advocate swinging cats.  I would not.  I don’t even know where that saying comes from.  Perhaps it was an old way of measuring things?   Now again I repeat that I would not but if I were to swing an animal then it would probably be something a little more manageable like a tortoise or a guinea pig.  Cats are notoriously averse to being swung and have far too many sharp and pointy bits to be buggering around with trying to work out how wide your living room is to see if your new sofa will fit.

If I absolutely had to know whether the new 3 piece would squeeze through the door then I would punt for a measuring tortoise.  They are a bit short of  purchase points though so it’s probably wise to put it in some sort of cloth sack to swing it thereby reducing the chance of losing one’s grip and sending the measuring tortoise soaring through a window.  Last thing you want is glass all over and having to use something a little smaller to then measure the window so you can order new glass.  If you were in need of measuring a window though, and again this is just hypothetical, then I reckon a squirrel would do the job.  Red though not grey, the grey ones are a a bit feisty.  If you cant get your hands on a squirrel then maybe try a hamster.  A red squirrel is generally equal to 2 hamsters.

Just for reference the Tortoise in the picture above is equal to 7 red squirrels, so 14 hamsters.  Or is that a turtle?  Doesn’t matter they are pretty much interchangeable.

Oh and for those living in hot countries, do not use a lizard because we all know their tails fall off and the sight of the orphaned tail wriggling about will likely upset the kids.  Unless of course you can get your hands on a chameleon they work really well as they move pretty slowly though can be a bugger to find once you’ve put them down.  A friend of mine who lays carpets swears by chameleons but goes through two or three a month.

Not that I would though.  What a ridiculous and rather cruel idea.

Besides, everybody knows the old fashioned way of measuring things was by swinging small soot faced children, recently emerged from cleaning chimneys or making smocks and bed caps.

 

Boom! Tuesday limericks baby!

You should not like them but you will…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


That title is a bit over the top isn’t it.  Sorry.

 

A fellow quite fond of a spank

Gave up his well paid job in the Bank

Now he spends each day addled

High on coke getting paddled

By a 6ft tall angry blonde yank

 

There one hailed a man from Peru

Without pork he simply could not do

He could not live without

Daily servings of snout

Curly tails, pointy ears, trotters too

 

Orange man king of U S of A

Cannot stand the poor, sick, black or gay

God forbid you’re all 4

He will kill you for sure

Just as soon as he gets his own way

 

 

 


More revolting limericks

Crass and inappropriate

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

 

There once lived a man in Phuket

kept an elephant calf as a pet

treat it rather quite bad

it grew large and got mad

squashed him flat, left a smear, rather wet

 

An old lady qho rather loved cats

lived alone in a tall block of flats

died alone at her place

and the cats ate her face

decomposed, then was fed on by rats

 

A chap on vacation in Delhi

drank the water and god a bad belly

he would cry scream and shout

as he turned inside out

quite disgusting and rather quite smelly

 


 

 

 

 

Limericks. Surprise! Din’t see that coming did you …

One’s about putting marrows in one’s bottom…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


Once a woman quite fond of baguette

just the shape brought her out in a sweat

the soft inner, hard crust

filled her mind with such lust

and a footlong, well that made her wet

 

 

There once hailed a plumber from Goole

Who did not work on loos as a rule

See they made him unwell

Could not handle the smell

God forbid he should witness a stool

 

A gardner, big veg fan from Leeds

quite depraved in his sexual needs

how he loved to shove marrow

in his passages narrow

then would eat them, apart from the seeds

 

 


Limericks. Again.

I’ll get bored of them eventually I am sure. Maybe…

 

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


There once hailed a priest from Manilla

who turned out was a serial killer

Though on Sundays he’d rest

with the saved and the blessed

Then on Monday, kill whores, what a thriller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

Screw you haiku 24 Jan 2017

Both serious and playful. The Japanese would not approve

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

Second amendment

It’s your right to bare arms

and murder school kids.

Seems there was another school shooting in Kentucky.  Seriously people…

Clown.  Joyful japing

smiles on the face of children

but dying inside

 

and maybe one more

 

Evening on red wine

Glug glug glug glass after glass

mouth like a sex doll

 

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

I tried to say goodbye.

 

People I enjoy – Little Red Lamb

Each week I am going to reblog someone that I enjoy reading.   This week it is Little Red Lamb.

Where do I start?  One of my favourite things about WordPress are the people, and in Red you have someone with a wonderful ability to express herself in a way many struggle with.  She writes with an openness and an honesty about herself and her life which makes for a great read.

Find out more about her here

 

The day has a ‘Y’ in in. Must mean limericks.

On the matter of meat, probing and D

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?


There once was a butcher from Crete

had a love of fish, poultry and meat

gorged on legs, wings and chops

haggis eggs and roll-mops

burgers, sausage and steaks such a treat

 

 

Fan of X-Files insisted he’d been

by some aliens, sucked up in a beam

stretched his bottom quite wide

as they probed deep inside

the poor chap what they did was obscene

 

 

Once a POTUS who claimed “It’s fake news”

hates the poor and the blacks but likes Jews

grabs your wife by the V

then he showers in Pee

supports racist right wing and their views


Limericks on sombre topics.

Another day, more limericks

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


Ballet dancer who got rather plump

so much so that she barely could jump

All the cookies and pies

they went straight to her thighs

when she did she came down with a thump

 

Once a Gent with a craving for women

went to watch them and spied on them swimming

he emerged ,they screamed “Weirdo!”

at the bulge in his speedo

didn’t help, the lip licking and grinning

 

Once a Donald with cravings for females

banged a porn star, ensuring no blackmail

paid her off, hundred K

“Doesn’t matter” he’ll say

“Not as bad as Clinton and her email!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Limericks written in the car…

Waiting for the kids to finish school

I haven’t had much time write anything today as I have been rather busy doing stuff, but I did have a wee gap when picking the kids up from school and had the words Denise and Cheese rattling around in my head and needed to get them out so even more limericks.  I think the second may be my one of my best ever.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

Friend of mine met a woman, Denise

Super hot but alas smelled like cheese

Tried quite hard, could not bed her

As she smelled just like cheddar

Gorgonzola, blue Danish and Bries

 

There once was a chap quite humongous

Never bathed, in his rolls he grew fungus

In his chins you’d find mould

Sweat would pool in each fold

In his crack nasty filth in abundance

 

There was a woman called Kate

Who would eat every crumb on her plate

She would nibble from others

From her parents and brothers

Now quite round and she cant find a date

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

Monday Limericks

Need a get well soon limerick? Look no further…

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


Saw your dad, says you’re suffering a spell

raging fever and sweaty as hell

spent all day on the loo

from both ends, as you do

hope you’re soon on the mend and quite well

 

You’ve a rash and the pustules are welling

and a discharge that’s green and now smelling

Maybe go see a nurse

‘fore it gets any worse

could explode if it carries on swelling

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

Gross Saturday Limericks

Need a limerick for someone with a nasty discharge? I got your back…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


Stay in bed as I know you’re unwell

there’s a discharge, a rash – must be hell

get some shots, you’ll be fine

it will heal up in time

and perhaps it will no longer smell

 

Oh poor poppit I hope you’re less sick

as the discharge, I believe, is quite thick

hope the swelling goes down

and it’s no longer brown

and it’s no longer oozing, quite slick

 

Heard you caught something nasty my friend

take your pills you’ll be soon on the mend

next time just be aware

take precautions and care

cos it seeping and all red at the end

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/