Category: limericks

Once a president mouth full of lies

fond of grabbing women twixt the thighs

One of the world’s greatest turds

cant remember song words

No matter just how hard he tries

A mechanic with spanners quite handy

Steve mid week but at weekends fair Mandy

some would say he looked weird

in a dress, cock and beard

though to some well he looks pretty dandy

Once a scholar of highest esteem

Oxford dean and old friend of the Queen

though behind the closed doors

a purveyor of whores

big fan of being spanked and whipped queen

Pervert caught, got a tip off, quite handy

outside school with a van full of candy

how they loved him in jail

every night he would wail

passed around, all dressed up, called him Mandy

A gym goer who so enjoyed Monday

lycra clad, pulse would race such a fun day

he would get little done

open mouthed, drooling some

for the ladies you see, it was buns day

There’s this vegetable seller Lynette

who sees marrows, goes red starts to sweat

gets embarrassed and flustered

be they red, green or mustard

lost control one time with a courgette

A cross eyed young dentist called Steven

had teeth that stuck out, most uneven

he could not understand

when he smiled, shook their hand

why they suddenly up’d and were leaving

A god fearing vicar called Martin

so loved Jesus but couldn’t stop farting

he would speak of God’s grace

let one go and the place

starts to gag, congregations eyes smarting

Bloke I know loves to write limerick

some are twisted and vile, most are sick

though they may be most daft

tries to make people laugh

when they know they should not, that’s the trick

Well to do wife screwed her trainer

at her wish he choked, spanked and restrained her

but it went all awry

asphyxiated did die

now he wishes he’d been an abstainer

Wandering husband said ‘Babe you’re too fat’

Started sleeping with hookers the twat

So she lost loads of weight

And divorced, now looks great

He got aids and then died, fancy that

Once a woman who loved with devotion

Said its not size that matters but motion

Though alas in the wet

He would toil he would sweat

Tiny boat set adrift on vast ocean

A friend of mine does like to gush

bout his lady friends wild pubic bush

extolls its shag, thick and nice

says she back combs it twice

and conditions it to keep it lush

There once was a fellow Fflint

sold his body because he was skint

you’d be shocked at the cash

that he got for his ass

opinion was it was quite mint

Veterinarian, fond of his horse

was accused of such vile intercourse

though there was just no proof

save some stuff on a hoof

he denied it and showed no remorse

Rotund chap with a craving for cakes

Oh for pastries and sweet things he aches

he just cannot say no

to a cream filled gateau

so much so when he walks his moobs shake